Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real.
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.
Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.
Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:
A new male teacher looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.
The teacher is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.
Pizza King. The teacher is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.
A dance. The teacher approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.
The classroom again. The teacher pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.
The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is the teacher, who's looking rather unimpressed.
Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.
The Zen. The teacher is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria.
Closeup of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:
The Nutty, Nutty Professor
A Piece of Daria Fan Fiction by Ben Breeck
Episode 1:12 of The New Teacher Series
Scene: Establishing Shot of Lawndale High. Cut to Principal Li's office. Mr. Breeck is ranting at Principal Li.
Ben: You mean you just sold that bus? And rented out all those other spares to Community Transit every Friday afternoon? Are you nuts?
Li: Budget cuts. How else are we to raise the money to pay for the decontamination of the school lunch kitchen and afford that better beef that judge ordered us to get?1
Ben: Property taxes? School bonds?
Li: Well, Benjamin, you aren't me. Nobody with any property worth taxing wants the taxes raised any higher, seeing as how Proposition 56 went down the tubes. And school bonds would make LAWNDALE HIGH too beholden to outside intrests, like the state treasurer. No, both ideas are out.
Ben: You keep talking about how the academic team is bringing honor to the school. Right now, it is the only extracuricular activity that has an undefeated record.
Li: Well, you were the one whose grade placed our star quarterback on academic probation.2
Ben: So, what do you expect me to do?
Li: You could always try carpooling.
Ben: Is there any way I can work this out?
Li: Only if you are willing to... ahem take a large pay cut.
Ben buries his face in his hand and shakes it, sighing.
Scene: Sidewalk: Daria and Jane are walking along.
Daria: So, the good news is that we won't have to worry about busses with blown out tires, but that's also the bad news.
Jane: Why does this always have to happen to us? Karma?
Daria: I just knew that in a previous life I must have been an ardent follower of Shabbatai Zevi.
Jane: Or maybe a stoolpidgeon for the Spanish Inquisition. (Giggles) So, who do you think we will be travelling with, the Landons or the Farlands?
Daria: Well, either way, we both have to listen to tales of woe as parents attempt to force their children into a Procrustean mold. (Beat) I just don't know. On one hand, Derrick has the proper outlook on life, on the other, he swears worse than Beavis and Butt-Head.
Jane: But Derrick's mom drives a Grand Caravan. We could really stretch out. (Cut to Daria's Adamant face, Cut back to Daria and Jane) Okay, Okay. I really don't blame you for not liking his foul mouth. So does this mean we ride with Jodie?
Daria: Actually, I was planing to take a cue from the Triple Demons of Compromise out of The Phantom Tolbooth. We are going to go with the DeWitt-Clintons.
Jane: And you are doing this because?
Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile) Well, if you are going to be wacky, be wacky all the way.
Jane: Speaking of wacky, Mr. Breeck has been acting really strange.
Daria: You mean he's starting to catch up to the fact that he isn't really doing that much good, thus joining the rest of the faculty in this revelation?
Jane: I wonder what's going on?
Claire DeFoe's Loft, Interior Claire is watching Geraldo Reveira on CNBC discuss the end of the presidential electoral deadlock. The phone rings. Claire gets up and picks it up.
Claire: Hello? (Beat) Oh, It's you, Ben. (Beat) I'm fine. And you? (Beat) I see. (Beat) Well, not much. Watching TV, doing lesson plans. Sketching. That sort of thing. And you? (Beat) Really? That's nice. Ben, I've been really wanting to talk about this menu you've planned for Saturday. (Beat) Yeah, that. Thai Peanut Salad, with Indoneasian Chicken Peanut Curry, and Almond Pudding with Pecan Pie. It seems a little over the top. (Beat) I see. Well, then, I'll try to maintain an open mind and mouth. See you tomorrow.
Scene: Lawndale Mall. Ben is working at the "It's a Nutty, Nutty World" stand Daria was at in "It Happened One Nut." He has just put down a phone.
Ben: (Sounding somewhat crazed) Peanuts! Get your Fresh Roasted Peanuts! Almond Clusters! We have Pecan treats too. Peanuts! Get 'em right here while the gettin's good.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben burying his face in his hand.
Scene: Split Screen between the Lane kitchen and Isaac's Apartment. Jane and Isaac are talking on the phone.
Jane: So they're back to fighting like cats and dogs.
Isaac: Too bad. Anything else intresting happen.
Jane: Well, Ms. Li has just been forced to clean up the school kitchen and change the ground beef suppliers.
Isaac: Really? I thought that story was just an artifact of the Lawndale Sun-Herald's new editorial direction.
Jane: It's true. And the first thing to get the axe was the Academic Team's bus. We are stuck with carpooling, except that there seem to be shortfalls in coverage.
Isaac: You mean that she's shortchanging the most successful school competition? No way!
Jane: Way, and it's driving mine and Daria's favorite teacher up the wall. You remember Mr. Breeck, right?
Isaac: Hey, I'm his brother's best friend. Remember Little Nicky?3
Jane: Well, he's the coach of the Academic team, too.
Isaac: I sure hope he dosen't burn out.
Jane: You and me both.
Scene: Lawndale Mall Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor (In their respective uniforms) are walking along, in an animated conversation.
Brittany: But, Kevie, you stood me up! I trusted you and you forgot Chez Pierre!
Kevin: But, Babe! I was at the hospital. Dad's still in a coma.
Brittany: Kevie, He's been there for almost two months! Can't he get out soon?
Kevin: Babe, the doctors are working hard as they can. (sighs)
Brittany: Kevie, what's wrong?
Kevin: (Swollows) The health insurance is running out. The Docs say that Dad had better wake up before New Years, or else.
Brittany: Or else what Kevie?
Kevin: They didn't say.
Brittany: I see. (Turning her head and pointing) Hey, it's your best friend.
Kevin: Yo, Mack-Daddy.
Cut to a wider angle to put Mack in the shot.
Mack: I told you not to call me that.
Kevin: So, what are you doing here?
Mack: I'm looking for an extra special present for Jodie. And you?
Kevin: That's cool. I was going to get a get well card for Dad, to pass around.
Mack: I see. (Beat) Kevin, would you and Brittany like to come with me to Lycra and Lace4 to see if I can find some number for Jodie?
Kevin: Sorry, Mack Daddy, but I'm afraid that...
Brittany(finishing): We really don't know her size.
Kevin: Besides. I'd bet she'd really like it if you just pick it out yourself.
Brittany: Or better yet, you can get her a gift certificate and then you can be the one surprised.
Mack: (Shrugging his shoulders) Okay. (Exits the shot)
Cut to a tighter shot, as Kevin and Brittany continue walking.
Brittany: Maybe my Dad can help out. It's not as if we are poor, you know.
Kevin: Really? (Beat) But what happens after he wakes up?
Brittany: Well, that can be between my Dad and your Dad.
Kevin: Okay. (Beat. Points) Hey, it's Coach.
Brittany: (Turining her head) That's not your coach, Kevie. Hey, Mr. Breeck!
Pan to Ben at the Stand. His squirrel hat is on lopsided.
Ben: Hey folks, welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty World! We're just nuts about nuts! (Pulls off the squirrel hat and stares into its eyes) Right, Scooter?
Cut back to Kevin and Brittany.
Brittany: Oh, well, I think we can talk to him later.
Kevin: Okay, Babe.
They both exit the shot. Cut to Quinn and and David, also in the mall.
Quinn: We'll need some candles, and some incense too.
David: Aren't you taking this a little too seriously?
Quinn: I've been doing a lot of thinking about this Haunakah. I do belive that what happened this spring, especially at Brittany's house, was no coincidence.
David: It's just that, well...
Quinn: David, I don't talk about your parents, so please don't talk about this, Okay?
David: Okay, (Switching the subject) So, what do you think Daria would want for Christmas? I know you two don't celebrate it, but I do.
Quinn: I think that book, The Darwin Awards might be right up her alley.
David: It might clear up that nasty spat you two had, too.
Quinn: I hope so. (Points) Say, isn't that Daria's Teacher over there?
Cut to Ben scooping peanuts into baggs for customers.
Ben: I hope you have had a nutty time here at It's a Nutty, Nutty World, I know I have!
Cut back to Quinn and David.
Quinn: I wonder what's going on with him?
David: Maybe this is how he afforded al those textbooks for Daria's class.
Quinn: I don't know. This is the first time I've seen him here.
Montage: Theme: My Little Demon by Fleetwood Mac.
Ben is at the stand, filling orders. His eyes are rotating in their sockets like a chameleon's.
Ben is at home, in bed. Zoom in to his face, where we see that he looks like a victim of Smilex Poisoning.
Ben is lecturing in class, wearing his squirrel hat. Pan to Daria and Jane, who are looking at each other in alarm. Pan over to the Doorway, where Angela Li is beaming from ear to ear.
Ben is at the stand again, looking even more demented. Pan over to Kim, who gasps.
Split screen between Ben's Trailer and Clair DeFoe's Loft. Ben is jibbering incoherently, while Claire is looking increacingly alarmed.
Scene: Lawndale Mall. Jane and Isaac are walking along.
Isaac: So, do you have any Christmas presents for Trent yet?
Jane: Well, the only gift I could think of giving him would be new instruments, except that i'm cutting into school as it is. Do you have any ideas for Shannon?
Isaac: I already sent it. It was a $50 gift certificate for the Paisley Peacock, for the next chance she goes to a big city.
Jane: I see. (Points) Hey, look. There's Mr. Breeck.
Isaac: Hey, Ben, how are the kids treating you?
Pan to Ben, who's Squirrel hat is on lopsided.
Ben: Oh, just fine, Isaac, it's the rest of the world that has gone to hell.
Nut Store Manager: (Off Screen) Ben, Could we talk in my office?
Ben: As you can see, I'm rather busy, I'll see you two later.
Pan back to Jane and Isaac
Isaac: Sure thing.
Scene: The Nut Store Manager's Office. The Nut Store Manager is behind the desk.
Manager: Mr. Breeck, I've seen you work and, well...
Manager: It's disturbing. You sound like you mean the slogan, but not the meaning of the slogan.
Ben: What are you telling me?
Manager: I realise that this will put you far short of your financial goal, but I really have no choice but to let you go. To put it succinctly, you're scaring off all the customers.
Ben: I see.
Manager: And I really think you need to seek professional help.
Ben: (Smiling Insincerely) Thank you.
Ben Exits the shot. Cut to Long evening shot of Lawndale Mall, where a man's voice is screaming. It slowly builds in pitch to a falsetto before dying off.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Ben conversing with his squirrel hat.
Voice Over: On the next Episode of The New Teacher Series, Some old problems are coming home to roost for a few people.
Scene: Angela Li is looking shocked as she reads a piece of paper.
Voice Over: Some more literally than others.
Scene: Jane with Isaac, looking stunned, pointing. Pan over to a flock of turkeys milling around and gobbling.
Scene: All this and much more, next week!
Scene: Ben's trailer, bedroom. Slowly going in and out of focus. Cut to Ben in his bed, blinking twice and reaching for his glasses. He looks at his bedside clock and gasps.
Ben: (Thought Voice Over) Oh, No! Got to get to work!
He scrambles up. Cut to:
Scene: Lawndale High, the hallway. Ben is walking out of the Teacher's Lounge, a look of desperation. His (button down) shirt is on backwards, and his shoes and socks don't match.
Ben (Thought Bubble) I can't take it. I just want to-What is this?
Cut to bulitin board which shows the following sign:
This Thursday Night at the Zen after 9:00 is Open Mike!
Be There or Be Square!
Cut to Ben
Scene: Establishing evening shot of the Zen. Cut to Kim and Claire DeFoe standing in line.
Kim: Ben called me too.
Claire: Why did he want us to meet here?
Kim: I don't know. I've never been here before.
Claire: This had better not be about sharing him with you. I've done that before...
Kim: You needn't worry. He's a one woman man.
Claire: I'm not sure I like the sound of that.
Scene: The Zen, interior. Up on stage is Mystik Spiral.
Trent: We're Mystik Spiral signing off. You can get our album at Sound by the Pound.
Cut to Daria and Jane in the audience.
Daria: So, figured out what you are doing for Christmas Vacation yet?
Jane: Well, I was planning on going to Arizona with Isaac to see his sister.
Daria: Well, if you see cacti on sale, why not send one my way?
Jane: Sure thing. (Beat) You know, Daria, Mr. Breeck seemed awfully cheerful today.
Jane: Yeah. It's almost as if he had turned a corner.
Daria: Welll, the Renaissance was supposed to have been his favorite period.
Jane: I still wouldn't rule the possibility out that he's decided to go postal and is just waiting for the oportune moment.
Daria: I wouldn't put it past him, but then I don't put very much past myself, either, if you know what I mean.
Jane: Too true.
Daria: Who do you think will entertain me for that one half-hour before I leave for home?
Jane: Your guess is as good as mine. (Pointing) Hey, look who it is!
Daria Looks up on stage, and gasps. Cut to Ben, who looks much better dressed. On stage is a pitcher of water and a shot glass.
Ben: (Conversational Tone) Hello, my name is Benjamin Lundy Breeck and I have a problem with drugs. (Furiously Angry, more so than DeMartino) Whenever I See A Bag Of Cocaine, Or Speed, Or Heroin, I Want To Kick It Around, And Cuss It Out, And Beat It Sensless, And Flush It Down The Toilet! (Conversational tone) I also have a drinking problem. (picks up the shotglass and splashes his face with it.) See? Well as you may or may not know, I'm a teacher at Lawndale High, or as the principal referrs to it, LAWNDALE HIGH. Say it.
Audiance: Lawndale High.
Ben: Say it LOUDER.
Audience: LAWNDALE HIGH
Ben: That's right. There'll be a quiz on that later. At Lawndale High, the kids all want to learn... what the Backstreet Boys' hair styling secrets are. They have a lust for the classics, like the Steve Miller Band, Leonard Skinnard, and The Ramones. They all want to know about ancient history too, like the fall of the Berlin Wall. 'Course I should talk. My idea of a graphic novel is John Saul or Bentley Little.
Cut to the audience, and pan among them, which includes (among others) Daria, Jane, Claire DeFoe, Kim, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria, who at this point is still straight faced. Cut back to Ben.
Ben: Yes, Lawndale High. Lawndale here in Texas. And you know what that means! Football! Anybody who tells you that football players are better than average students had better lay off that bong! (Beat) No, I take that back, the center and backup runningback is a relatively easy guy to work with, but he seems to be the exception that proves the rule. Quarterbacks are the worst, though. (Lecturing Voice) Mr. Thompson, (Vacant expression) uh.. Yes? (Lecturing expression and voice again) What was the significance of Socrates' choice not to escape? (Vacant Expression) I'm the QB? (Lecturing Expression and tone) I see. And why did Plato use Socrates as his viewpoint character in his Dialogues? (Vacant Expression Again) He used Socrates, Coach? I thought he would use Mr. Mouth! (Wan Smile, Sighs) Finally, Mr. Thompson, what did Octavian Caesar say when he declared the Principate? (Vacant Expression) Was it "Pizza Pizza," Coach? I know, it's "Tonight I'm gonna party like its 1999!" (Exasperated Face) It's like pulling teeth!. (Normal Face) And the worst part of it is that I know he can do better. I saw him once out on a practice field. He has more options up his sleave than a salad bar. And he can read defensive formations as if they were Dick and Jane are Friends. Yes, Lawndale High. Where the only thing worse than the students is the principal. Let me tell you about her. She has so many different dogs there, you'd think she was trying to open a kennel. There are guard dogs, guard dogs to guard the guard dogs, attack dogs, defence dogs, bomb dogs, drug dogs, and dogs specifically trained to spot those dogs that are out of place. (Rolls eyes right ad left) I wonder why she needs all these dogs around? Something to do with her social life? There are much better things to spend the budget on. Like textbooks, and lab materials... and computers. Did you know that the computer labs are equiped with the latest Commodore PETs and NeXT machines? I kid you not! But does she spend it on that? No! She spends it on guard dogs, guard dogs to guard the guard dogs, attack dogs, defence dogs, bomb dogs, drug dogs, and dogs specifically trained to spot those dogs that are out of place. And Secority cameras, and Motion Detectors, and Metal Detectors. Lawndale High might not be the best place to learn, but at least we won't have a school shooting, except that we just did.5 And where does this take place?
Audience: (In Chorus) LAWNDALE HIGH
Ben: Yes it does. Than you, thank you, you've been a great audience.
Wipe to: Guy in charge of the Zen peeling off Dollar bills and handing them to Ben. Cut to:
Scene: Daria, Jane, and the Academic team are milling around the school yard.
Jane: Just think, two entire weeks free of this place.
Daria: Yeah, now there will be no respite from Dad's traumatic flashbacks.
Jane: Hey, where are the cars?
Daria: (Pointing) Look at that?
Pan to the chartered bus pulling up by the curb. The front doors open and Ben steps out.
Ben: All Aboard! Nothing but first class for this team from here on in!
Roll Credits. Theme: I'm Destroying the World by Guttermouth.
Ben as a Ventriloquist Dummy.
Angela Li as a Vampire
Kevin Thompson as a Fifties Radio Crooner
Brittany Taylor as a Pull String Talking Dall
Quinn as Mary Poppins
David as Jack Pumpkinhead.
Daria and Jane as Radio DJs
1. That happened in our previous episode, T.P.A.
2. He did it in TNTS 1:05 Homecoming Dunce.
3.See TNTS 1:04 Family Junk Bonds.
4. This Store was mentioned in The Daria Diaries.
5. See Homecoming Dunce ans TNTS 1:06 Courtroom Trauma for more details..