The Characters of Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, Nick Campbell, Max Tyler, Kevin Thompson, Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie, Brittany Taylor, Jodie Landon, Angela Li, Anthony DeMartino, and many more, even if not mentioned here, are the Creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis and Copyright MTV Studios. This story is in no way to be construed as a challenge to said copyright.
Some of the events and persons mentioned in this fanfic did happen and do exist, but have been somewhat fictionalized. I myself have diverged from the alternate self shown here sometime in 1996. To those of you who may be offended, remember: this is a cartoon. This is not and could never be real.
Permission is granted to repost, republish, or retransmit this work in any way, shape, or form as long as these disclaimers remain intact, and no one except Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, MTV Studios, or Viacom, the parent of MTV receive financial remuneration.
Historians' Note: This story and its sequels take place in lieu of the prospective Season Five.
Splendora's You're Standing On My Neck has been replaced by Man on the Moon by REM, and the following montage plays:
Mr. Ben Breeck looks resigned. Pan over to his students, who include Daria, Jane, Kevin, Brittany, Upchuck, and most of the rest of the gang in Daria's class.
Ben is in Principal Li's office, with narrowed eyes, and regards Li, who is yakking in grandiose terms, with a look of tired incredulity.
Pizza King. Ben is grading papers while hoisting a slice with pepperoni, bacon, onions, anchovies, and sun dried tomatoes. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Tom's booth. Daria is suspicious, Jane is startled, and Tom's face is neutral.
A dance. Ben approaches Claire DeFoe and says something. She blushes and takes his hand. Pan to Upchuck with a camera snapping a picture.
The classroom again. Mr. Breeck pulls a sleeping Kevin's face up by his hair, removes some googly-eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them, then drops Kevin's face back on his desk. Pan to Daria, Jane, and Jodie's approving glances.
The Zen. Mystik Spiral is thrashing on stage, and Trent is singing like his life depends on it. Pan to the audience where one of the patrons is Ben, who's looking rather unimpressed.
Daria is at a street corner with Tom, who is speaking. He stops talking, his tongue cleaving to the roof of his mouth. At the exact same instant, she acquires a cold, angry look, says something between clinched teeth, and stalks out of the shot.
The Zen. Ben is up on stage and apparently doing a monologue. Pan to the audience, which includes Daria, Jane, and Mystik Spiral. Everybody is laughing except Daria.
Close-up of Daria Smirking, which acquires an oval around it. Zoom into the Daria Logo. Super: Daria in:
Family Junk Bonds
A piece of Daria Fan Fiction By Ben Breeck
Episode 1:04 of The New Teacher Series
Scene: Lawndale High School. Daria and Jane are in Janet Barch's homeroom, side by side. Daria is talking to Jane.
Daria: That embezzlement really stuck in my craw.
Jane: Daria, don't take it so personal. I don't think they meant steal it.
Daria: Then why didn't they give it back when I explained things to them?
Jane: I don't know. What reasons did they give?
Daria: They said that if they sold then, the price might collapse, while the penalties for cashing in the cds would be almost as much as the original price.
Jane: You might ask Mrs. Bennett on that. This smells funny.
Daria: You're telling me. (Beat) So, Tom scored some tickets to see the Capitol Steps, in concert at Compaq Center, this Saturday night. After him and me, there are two left, in case you want to take Isaac or Trent.
Jane: I'm sorry, I can't come. I've been roped into decorating for Homecoming.
Daria: (shocked expression) Oh, God, no! Remember last year?1
Jane: How could I ever forget? Don't worry; I'm only doing the decorations for the dance itself this year.
Daria: (sighs in relief) Whew, you scared me.
Jane: Well, time to go to class.
Daria: See you in Mrs. Bennett's?
Jane: Same as always.
Scene: Mr. Breeck's Room. Mr. Breeck is standing in front of the class, lecturing.
Ben: Reading the Gospels, I find them to be most absurd from any standpoint, but so as not get in too much hot water with the religious right in this town, I'll stick with their historicity. Josephus Flavius, who chronicled every one of Herod's excesses, and never rounded off numbers, never mentions any slaughter of babies anywhere near Bethlehem. Not only that, but the requirement that Joseph go to Bethlehem to register for the census makes absolutely no sense. Joseph wasn't a Roman citizen. Joseph wasn't even born in Bethlehem. If he had any close relatives there, they were never mentioned by any of the evangelists. To put the Christmas story into the synoptic Gospels and then insist that they be taken as serious history is tantamount to including the cherry tree story in a serious biography of George Washington. Yes, Brittany?
Pan to Brittany.
Brittany: You mean George Washingmachine did cut down those trees? Then Johnny Appleseed must have been the one to replace them. Wait a minute, aren't you engaging in, what is it? Ambiguity? Doublespeak?
Pan to Daria and Jane.
Daria: Gee, I think Mr. O'Neill might have gotten through to her, for maybe ten whole seconds on Orwell.
Jane: That must be a record. It's a good thing Mom and Dad are Unitarians. We have even less in the way of concrete doctrine than Anglicans and Northern Baptists.
Daria: Well, I can top that one easily. We're Jewish.2 Or, at least, Dad's nominally a Reform Jew, and Mom converted when she married Dad.
Jane: That explains the candelabra Tom and I saw in your front window when we were caroling last December.
Daria: So, any ideas on a homecoming theme yet?
Jane: (Smiling Evilly) I think I have something. By the way, while I'm stuck here Saturday, I can swing Friday evening. Wanna see Bedazzled?
Daria: Already did. It was okay, but nothing I'd see twice. How about Little Nicky?
Jane: Sure. Bring Tom. I'll bring Isaac.
Daria: Okay. (Beat, faces forward) The most scholarly interpretation of the first beast of the revelation of John of Patmos is Domitian, who was supposed to be the reincarnation of Nero, whose Greek name, Neron Caesar, written in Hebrew letters is equal to six hundred and sixty-six if you write the C as a Gamma as a Gimmel and write out A as Alpha as Aleph. Apparently John of Patmos didn't think highly of Domitian, who in addition to his ruthless persecution of Christians, was one of only three emperors in the First Century to insist on a personal cult while still alive. The other two were Nero and Caligula.3
Cut to Mr. Breeck's stunned expression.
Scene: Quinn's room. Quinn is on her bed, paging through a copy of Waif. Phone rings. Quinn picks it up.
Split screen between Quinn's room and Jeffy's room.
Jeffy: Quinn, that was a rather low thing to do!
Quinn: (Eyes Narrowing) Jeffy? What are you talking about?
Jeffy: Smearing Sandi's name like that.
Quinn: But it's true-
Jeffy: (interrupting) No it's not, and you know it! Sandi doesn't have herpes, the clap, or the handshake either! How could you go so low?
Quinn: (Jaws Dropping) What? Where'd you get this?
Jeffy: (Harshly) As if I'll tell you. Joey and Jamie can have you. (Hangs up)
Full Screen of Quinn as she hangs up. She has this numb, hangdog expression. This twists itself into an expression of pure hatred. She picks up the phone, then stops.
Quinn: (Thought Voice Over) No, Daria is right. I want Sandi happy and dumb. She won't know what hit her.
Quinn punches some buttons on her phone and puts the receiver to her ear.
Quinn: Hello. You know who I am. Listen, I'm calling in my marker. Here's what you're going to do. Oh, and if you tell anyone, I'll point the guys with the tin stars on their suits your way...
Scene: Cranberry Commons. Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac are walking out of the movie theater.
Daria: I must say I was impressed. I even cracked a smile three times.
Jane: I must say, Rodney Dangerfield was great as the Devil.
Tom: So, basically, Ncky saves hell by being unworthy of the place.
Isaac: That guy must've been reading a lot of Moorcock when he was writing it.
Daria: I think he should have paid a little more attention to the classics; The Screwtape Letters, The Devil and Tom Walker, and War in Hell and its sequels.
Party comes out the doors into the parking lot.
Tom: Where did I park that rustbucket?
Isaac: Right next to my Renault Alliance.
Jane: (Pointing Off Screen) Hey, it's Mr. Breeck. And somebody's with him.
Pan to a dirty tan 1979 Jeep Cherokee. Ben and Link (From Is It Fall Yet) are getting out. Pan back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac. Daria and Jane have mouths hanging open in shock.
Daria: Link? Is that you?
Jane: Didn't you tell me about him, Daria?
Pan to Ben and Link walking up to the Mall.
Ben: Daria, Jane, fancy meeting you here.
Pan back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac.
Daria: Link, why are you going into the theater with that strange man? He could be some psycho out of a slasher movie.
Cut to Ben and Link.
Link: (With a hard, smirking smile similar but not identical to the Mona Lisa smile) That's right, Uncle Ben is quite crazy. That's why he's taking me to see The Cell.
Cut back to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac.
Jane: Uncle Ben?
Isaac: Yo, Ben, how's it going?
Daria: (To Isaac) You know him too?
Cut to Ben and Link:
Ben: (indicating Link) Actually, we're second cousins once removed. His mother is my Cousin Erin, the eldest daughter of my Aunt Dottie on my father's side.4
Link: He's the only one in my family I can really tolerate.5
Ben: (To Isaac) Last I heard of you, you, my brother, Ellen, and Brian were in Iowa City laying tile. What happened?
Cut to Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac.
Isaac: Well, we went our separate ways. I think Kevin is back in Frankfort, and Brian and Ellen moved to Minneapolis.
Daria: (Though Voice Over) Both of us have cousins named Erin? Is he making this up?
Jane: (To Isaac) Ellen?
Isaac: Kevin's girlfriend, or at least she was.
Cut to Ben and Link.
Ben: Well, see you Monday.
Ben and Link walk into the mall.
Commercial Break. Stinger: Daria, Tom, Jane, and Isaac staring.
Daria and Jane slackjawed.
Scene: Exterior Shot of the Morgendorffer residence. Cut to interior of Daria's room. The sun is shining and birds are chirping. in the background as Daria, in her bed, opens her eyes, throws off her covers, and reaches for her glasses.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Today, I take a little more charge of my life.
Montage. Music: (It All Just Happens to Hit) Right Down The Line by the Offspring. During thought voice overs, dim the music a little.
Daria goes over to her drawers, grabs a pair of bulletins, panties, and a shirt.
The hallway. Daria walks over to the bathroom door, opens it, and enters. Sounds of a bathtub filling, and Daria whistling some random melody. Sounds of splashing. Sounds of water being let out of the tub. Sounds of a sink running. Sounds of teeth being brushed. Door opens. Daria is wearing her usual T-shirt, as well as the jeans from Road Worrier.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Now, where is that phone book?
Front Hall. Medium shot of Daria looking in the drawer of the table the living room floor phone usually rests on.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) There you are. (Picks up phone book and closes the drawer) Now it had better be in the white pages.
Scene: Daria's Room. Daria is flipping through the phone book. She stops.
Daria: (Thought Voice Over) Here it is. (Grabs her phone, punches a few buttons and puts the phone to her ear.)
Marianne: (Off Screen) Hello. Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riorden, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter.6
Daria: (Out Loud) Marianne, could you please get me Eric.
Marianne: (Off Screen) Daria, why don't you talk to your mom first?
Daria: (in that voice usually used in Hollywood to indicate Demonic Possession) Get Him!
Pause for a few seconds. Split screen between Eric's office and Daria's Room.
Eric: This is Eric Schrecter speaking.
Daria: Eric, Do you know what needs to be done to divorce one's parents in Texas?
Eric: I don't do Divorce or Child Emancipation so I don't know. You might try my brother Horace.
Daria: I see.
Eric: And one other thing, Daria...
Daria: (Interrupting) How do you know my name?
Eric: We met last spring, at that mental health spa. It was rather brief.7
Daria: Were you the one in the checked blue suit?
Eric: That was me. Daria, what is going on? You know I'm going to tell your mother about this call on Monday.
Daria: Fine with me. Now, get me Horace.
Eric: (Sighing) Okay.
Scene: A rather large stadium. Pan down to the floor, where chairs are laid out in rows in front of a makeshift stage. Four rows back from said stage are Daria and Tom. Zoom in to them. (Background Music: SuperfranticUnproductiveNothingLegislation by the Capitol Steps) Daria is wearing the Mona Lisa smile.
Daria: I always liked that song.
Tom: I preferred The Berries Never Fall Far From the Bush myself. So, how was that call to your mom's work?
Daria: Basically, I could only divorce them if I had an independent source of income and/or I could I could prove criminal abuse or neglect to the satisfaction of both state Supreme Courts. (Sigh) Looks like you were right.
Tom: Oh well. At least it was done in ignorance.
Daria: We'll never know, will we?
End Song. Pan up on stage as Kosovo (To the tune of Kokomo by the Beach Boys) begins. Pan back to Daria and Tom.
Tom: Daria, I'm worried.
Daria: What about?
Tom: We go to movies, we go to restaurants. We even go see and hear Mystik Spiral when they have a gig. But we don't really talk.
Daria: What do you mean? We talk plenty.
Tom: But it's all about our problems. We never talk about, well, the world we live in, or life in general any more.8
Daria: I never knew you were such a Depeche Mode fan, Tom.
Tom: (chuckling) Yeah, that's more the sort of thing I wish we would talk about.
Daria: (sighing) Tom...
Split screen between the Casa Lane and Isaac's apartment. Jane and Isaac are talking on the phone..
Jane: Your kidding. You really get dried red peppers sent to you every other week?
Isaac: Yep. My sister Shannon grows them.
Jane: She's in Arizona, isn't she?
Isaac: Yeah, right now.
Jane: I realize you might be a little over age, but would you like to see my homecoming decorations next Friday?
Isaac: Sorry, I can't. I swung last night by switching for someone. He'll be rather mad if I don't keep up my end of the bargain.
Isaac: Promise me this, then.
Isaac: I want as many pictures of it as possible.
Jane Sure thing.
Commercial Break Stinger: Daria Calling Her Mother's Law Firm.
Voice Over: On the Next Episode of The New Teacher Series, Kevin is having a little trouble in school.
Scene: Doug Thompson is at Mr. Breeck's mobile home front door, looking furious. Cut to Mr. Breeck in the doorway.
Ben: (Cold, Angry) As things stand, Mr. Thompson, Kevin will not be able to play this homecoming. If you want him to have some chance at extra credit, that's one thing, but I will not be intimidated into awarding a passing grade without merit by anyone. (Assuming a feral grin) And I do suggest you leave my property right now.
Voice Over: And he's not the only one.
Scene: A dance at the Lawndale High gym. Upchuck has a camera in his hand and a smile on his face.
Upchuck: (Thought Voice Over) Nobody sends the Chuckster to Detention three straight times and gets away with it, Mr. Breeck.
Voice Over: All this and more, next week!
Scene: Lawndale High, the hallway. Quinn and Stacy are walking along.
Stacy: Quinn, does this mean that Sandi doesn't have those horrible DVDs?
Quinn: When I was at Sandi's two years ago, she only had a VCR, so how would I know?9 But if you mean VDs, I'd say the answer is no, if we ever get an answer.
Stacy: But if you didn't start the rumor, who did?
Quinn: Who did you hear it from.
Stacy: Lots of people, but the one I first heard if from, and who said she heard it from you, was Brooke.
Quinn: Brooke? Why would she do that?
Stacy: She might have given up on joining the Fashion Club, and decided to permanently poison the whales.
Quinn: You mean poison the wells?
Stacy: (as she is saying this line, Quinn turns her head and points.) Yeah, that.
Quinn: Or maybe not.
Stacy looks in Quinn's direction. Pan across the hallway, where Sandi, Tiffany, Brooke, and one of the Cheerleaders shown in The "F" Word are looking in Quinn and Sandi's Direction.
Sandi: Gee, looks like Quinn doesn't have a date to Homecoming, because she was so backbiting.
Tiffany: Yeah. How low can you get?
Sandi: If you want, Stacy, you can rejoin the Fashion Club. I won't even make you dress me personally when one of us comes over to the other.
Pan to Quinn and Stacy
Stacy: No way, Sandi!
Quinn: (Yawning) Sticks and stones, Sandi, sticks and stones.
Scene: Mr. Breeck's Classroom. Ben is lecturing.
Ben: Chin Shihuangdi was only 53 years old when he croaked. If he had spent more time building infrastructure and less time trying to find an immortality elixir, he might have left behind that "Ten-thousand year" dynasty. Instead, he left behind nothing, and the Han Dynasty seized power.
Pan to Daria and Jane.
Jane: Yes, Daria?
Daria: I'm getting worried about Tom.
Jane: You haven't gotten in to any fights with him, have you?
Daria: No, nothing like that. (beat) It's just, he says he misses the kinds of conversations we used to have before we were an item.
Jane: You do still talk, don't you?
Daria: Of course we do.
Jane: I don't think it's too serious, but I'd still be a little concerned.
Daria: Thank you, Jane.
Pan to Mr. Breeck.
Mr. Breeck: The Emperor who extended Han Rule the farthest was Han Wu-D.... (beat) Kevin? Kevin?
Walks up to Kevin's Desk, where he is asleep. Ben grabs Kevin's head by the hair, pulls off a pair of googly eyed Groucho glasses from his face, folds them into his shirt pocket.
Ben: (under his breath) I always wanted a pair of these.
Ben drops Kevin's head back onto his desk. Kevin still doesn't stir.
Ben: Well, now. I guess Kevin gets a zero to day in participation.
Pan to Daria, Jane and Jodie's approving glances.
Jodie: Now there's something you don't see every day.
Daria looks at Jodie with a suspicious expression.10
Scene: Just in front of the Morgendorffer residence. Daria slams shut the door of Tom's Ford Granada. Maintain the shot on her as she walks up to the front door, opens it, and enters.
Cut to the front hall. Daria is walking over to the staircase.
Helen: (Off Screen) Just what do you think you're doing, young lady?
Daria whirls around with a look of cold fury. Cut to Helen and Jake. Helen's face has (self) righteous indignation on it. Jake simply looks frazzled.
Helen: You want to divorce us?!? After all our struggles to put a roof over your head, food on the table, and clothes on your back?
Jake: (Nervously, to Helen) Uh, Darling, I think...
Helen: (To Jake) Not Now Jake. (To Daria) As I was saying, Daria, I was never so shocked or so angry in all my life as when I got that news from Marianne, Horace, and Eric. Maybe we should put you up for adoption, and leave you only the bills in our will. Then perhaps you will see what good parents we really are.
Pan to put Daria in the shot.
Daria: (Through clinched teeth) Maybe I might get a mother who takes time out to do things with her daughter. One who takes an active interest in her likes, and her studies, as opposed to an interest that she have likes and studies.
Helen: Daria, I spent six hours in labor for you. I was at your Hanukkah pageant when you were eight years old, despite the fact that I didn't and still don't understand Hebrew.
Daria: You also cleaned out my Montana Cabin Fund, not because you thought I couldn't handle it, but in order to sink it into something called Pinkmonkey.com! Do you still have some grass stashed over from your wild days with Coyote and Willow Yeager?11 Did Beavis and Butthead leave some of their premium paint thinner at our old house and you stumble across it when we were moving?
Jake: But I read in Startup Spectator that Pinkmonkey.com would experience a meteoric rise in stock performance!
Daria: Yeah, it's called a pump-and-dump. As far as I can tell, Pinkmonkey.com is just trying to sell Cliff's Notes, and Scantron test sheets over the Internet and failing miserably. The number of dot.com success stories out there is so low I can count it on one hand. You'd have better luck getting all six numbers and the Power Ball with a little help from a Ouija board.
Helen: (Smacks the wall) That's it, Daria! Go to your room and don't come out until I call you!
Cut to Daria stomping up the stairs. Cut to Helen's face slowly becoming an expression of tiredness, then suddenly, despair.
Helen: Oh, my God, what have I done?
Cut to a wider shot of Helen and Jake.
Jake: Looks like you and Daria had a real to do to me. The only things missing were 'I hate you,' and cuss words.
Helen: Jake, I'm serious. I acted like a baby just now. Daria was more mature. Even in family court, I would've been held in contempt. (Frantically) Oh God, I'm becoming my mother!
Jake: Nonsense. You're not becoming your mother yet.
Helen: (Inquisitively) How do you know this, Jake?
Jake: (Smiling) Honey, when you start referring to me in the third person as "that kike," then you're becoming your mother. Not before.12
Helen: (Smiling as well) I love you, Jake. (Embraces Jake)
Daria's Room. Daria clicks the remote.
Sick Sad World Announcer: (With a fake Scottish Burr) They're Creepy and they're Kooky, Mysterious and Icky. (Regular Tone) The Entire Grisly Clan McAddams, Next on Sick Sad World!
Knock at the door.
Daria: Go away, Mom.
Quinn: (Off Screen) It's not Mom, Daria. Can I still come in?
Daria: What for?
Quinn: (Off Screen) Daria, I'm worried.
Daria: Is this about trying to give me a makeover?
Quinn: (Off Screen) Never.
Daria: Okay, Quinn, you can come in.
Pan to the door, which opens. Quinn enters and walks over to Daria's desk, grabs a chair, swings it over to Daria's bed, and sits in it.
Daria: What's this about, Quinn?
Quinn: What was all that yelling about, Daria?
Daria: I'm not sure it is any of your business.
Quinn: It interrupted my phone conversation, Daria. It is my business. You didn't get into real trouble, did you?
Daria: Ok, I'll tell you. They found, confiscated, and squandered a bank account which I had specifically set aside. Then Mom flew off the handle when I actually complained.
Quinn: What? There's got to be more to it than you're saying.
Daria: There is. (Takes a breath.) But right now is not the time to give an unabridged account.
Quinn: When would it be then, Daria?
Daria: Maybe in about five years, if then. Oh, and Quinn.
Quinn: Yes Daria?
Daria: You've been acting rather strange toward Sandi lately. You aren't trying to be friendly, but at the same time, you aren't starting cat fights or even acting like you even know her either.
Quinn: Remember that rumor going around about Sandi having those horrible diseases?
Daria: Yeah, so?
Quinn: Well, I didn't start it. I didn't even hear about it until today. But everyone says I started it, and I lost a member of my fan club for supossedly starting it.
Daria: I see.
Quinn: (Evil Grin) Thing is, why should there be rumors going around when the truth can be almost as damning?
Daria: I think I know where this is going. For your sake and mine, I don't want to know any more.
Quinn: (Shrugging) Suit yourself.
Daria: One thing though, Quinn.
Quinn: What else?
Daria: Could you help me with what to wear to Homecoming? I might as well wring out as much enjoyment from this event as I possibly can, as I don't think I will be getting much from anywhere else.
Quinn: (Grinning from ear to ear) Daria! I thought this wasn't about any sort of makeover.
Daria: (Mona Lisa Smile)
Roll Credits. Theme: Burning Down the House by Talking Heads. Makeovers:
Daria as Velma from Scooby Doo.
Jane as Elvira
Quinn as Daphne from Scooby Doo.
Tom as Eddie Willson from Eddie and the Cruisers
Helen as Medusa
Jake as the Minotaur
Ben as Che Guevarra
Sandi as Cruella DeVille
Brittany as a wind up toy
Kevin as Pinnochio
Tiffany as Elizabeth Bathory
1. See I Loathe a Parade.
2. A shameless ripoff of the continuum of Peter W. Guerin.
3. Robert Nowall made me flesh it out a little more from what I originally.
4. This is completely true, except that my cousin Erin and my Aunt Dottie live in Florida, not Texas.
5. We learn more about Link's immediate family in Is it fall yet?
6. Although this is the name given in The Daria Diaries and The Daria Database, I first saw it courtesy of J's Damien's Day in Lawndale Hell.
7. See Psycho Therapy.
8. See Fire.
9. See Gifted.
10. Daria still hasn't gotten over the events of Pedantic Team.
11. A reference to That Was Then, This Is Dumb.
12. I'm not the raving anti-Semite, Grandma Ruth from I Don't is.