by Kristen Bealer
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of the characters from either “Daria” or The Odyssey. Those belong to Glenn Eichler and Homer, respectively. Although familiarity with The Odyssey or Greek mythology in general is helpful in understanding certain parts of this parody, it isn’t necessary to understanding the story as a whole.
(Fade in to the Lawndithaca Lions [Lawndale Lions plus others], dressed in ancient Greek battle armor, playing football against a similarly-dressed team. The Lions are in a huddle.)
(Zoom in to close-up of Mackilles [Mack], then pan quickly over to Kevysseus [Kevin].)
VO: Did I say “ingenious hero”? I meant “dim-witted moron”.
MACKILLES: Okay, Kevysseus, try to focus. We’ve been getting our butts kicked for ten years now. We have to think of a really clever plan if we’re ever going to beat the Trojans.
KEVYSSEUS: (snickers) Hey, Mackilles, they’re the Trojans, and they keep scoring!
MACKILLES: How many times are you going to make that stupid joke?
KEVYSSEUS: So—rry. (whispers) Hey, Tedalus, did you hear what I said about the other team?
TEDALUS [Ted]: Yes, but I don’t get it.
MACKILLES: All right, you guys, listen up. Roberseus, you snap the ball to Kevysseus, then Kevysseus passes the ball to Coreon, and—
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, I have an idea!
MACKILLES: (sighs) Okay, but if this has anything to do with condoms…
(Kevysseus begins to whisper to the rest of the team. A few minutes later, Tedalus walks away, looking for something.)
(The teams are back on the field. Roberseus [Robert] snaps the ball to Kevysseus, who begins running toward the goal with several Trojans following him. Suddenly, Kevysseus turns around to face them.)
KEVYSSEUS: (Tossing the ball to the closest Trojan) Here ya go!
TROJAN: Hey, thanks! (stops and looks more closely at the ball) Wait a minute! This ball is made of wood!
TEDALUS: (running past with the real football) Grecian pine! Very soft.
(Tedalus scores a touchdown as time runs out. The Lions cheer.)
MACKILLES: Wow, Kevysseus, you actually thought of a plan to beat the Trojans. I’m impressed.
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, even though they’re the Trojans, we’re the ones who—
MACKILLES: Never mind. (To the whole team) Come on, everybody; let’s get on the team ship. Time to go home!
KEVYSSEUS: All right! Back to Lawndithaca and my babe, Brittelope! You think she’s changed after ten years, Mackilles?
MACKILLES: (to himself) We can only hope.
(Aboard the ship. Mackilles is absent. Upchucles [Upchuck] approaches Kevysseus, who is steering.)
UPCHUCLES: Sir, I was wondering if you realized that we never had a chance to celebrate our triumphant victory.
KEVYSSEUS: I told you, man, we aren’t stopping to pick up any Amazons. (shudders) Not after last time.
UPCHUCLES: No, no, no. See, I noticed an island just ahead there. I have it on good authority that that particular island is an excellent place to, uh, relax. Certainly you agree that, after such a grueling decade of combat, we deserve to unwind a bit?
KEVYSSEUS: Sure! I can’t think of any reason not to visit a mysterious island no one has ever returned from before!
COREON [Corey]: All right, a party!
(Kevysseus lands the boat at the Land of the Lotus Eaters. All of the team except Mackilles disembarks. Shortly after, Mackilles comes up from below deck.)
MACKILLES: What the…? Jeez, can’t a guy go to the bathroom?
(On the island, Kevysseus and his men approach the natives [the stoned guy from the end of “Road Worrier” as well as various patrons of the Zen and McGrundy’s Pub], who are all lounging around.)
STONED GUY: Hey, man. Want some fruit?
KEVYSSEUS: Thanks! You guys are pretty cool. (The rest of the team also accepts the lotus fruit.)
Several hours later…
(Mack arrives to see the team sprawled out on the ground next to the natives.)
TEDALUS: Now this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life!
MACKILLES: Great. Come on, you guys. Let’s go.
ROBERSEUS: (staring off into space) Yes, ma’am.
MACKILLES: “Ma’am”? (groans) Okay, where’s Kevysseus?
(Kevysseus dances past, completely naked.)
KEVYSSEUS: Hey! I’m a satyr!
COREON: Uh oh, he must have eaten the glitter lotus.
MACKILLES: Great. (loudly) Plenty of good munchies back on the ship! Baklava! Lentils! All the ambrosia you can eat!
(The team perks up at this, then runs back to the ship.)
KEVYSSEUS: (still oblivious) Woo hoo! Has anyone seen Pan?
(Mackilles tackles Kevysseus, then hauls him over his shoulder.)
MACKILLES: (to himself) Well, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve had to be his designated carrier. I had to lug him home after all of those damn drunken orgies…
(Back on the ship. The team is slowly recovering from the lotus. Mackilles returns from below, without Kevysseus.)
MACKILLES: Well, once I got him tied down, he was… (Looks around to see that the ship has landed on a different island.) Uh, guys? Where are we now?
UPCHUCLES: (at the wheel, slurring) I dunno. Some island. Hope there’s some nymphs or dryads on this one. (growls)
MACKILLES: Oh, for the love of the gods…
(Later, on the island. Kevysseus is leading the others, and everyone is back to normal—relatively speaking.)
MACKILLES: So, we’re going to get some supplies and then it’s right back on the ship again, right? (pause) Right?
KEVYSSEUS: Come on, Mackilles, this is fun! Hey, let’s check out that cave!
MACKILLES: Uh, guys? Let’s not… (Trails off as the others run into the cave after Kevysseus. He looks back toward the shore as if debating whether or not to simply leave, then sighs and follows them in.)
(Inside the cave, the team finds piles of food and wine. As they eat and gather supplies to take back to the ship, a shadow falls over everything.)
OS: And just what do you men think you’re doing?
(Everyone looks up to see a giant woman standing at the entrance to the cave. She has only one eye in the middle of her forehead, and she looks very angry.)
MACKILLES: A Barclops!
BARCLOPS [Barch]: Just like the thoughtless, selfish pigs you are, stealing my hard-earned food. Well, this is one woman you aren’t going to walk all over! (Picks up Roberseus.)
ROBERSEUS: Hello, ma’a—AAAUGHH!!! (Roberseus screams as the Barclops pops him into her mouth, chews, and swallows.)
UPCHUCLES: It figures. The first woman I’ve seen in ten years, and she’s a man-eater.
BARCLOPS: Quiet you, you man! (yawns) I’ll save the rest of you for later. But first, I have to make sure you don’t run off like that two-timing sleaze! Twenty-two thankless millennia and he throws it all away for some floozy with a skimpy girdle and two eyes!
(The Barclops continues to rant as she rolls a huge rock over the opening of the cave, then lies down and goes to sleep. The remaining teammates huddle.)
KEVYSSEUS: That was nasty! What are we gonna do?
TEDALUS: Look around! There has to be another way out. I’ve studied the blueprints of the caves in this area, and some of them have emergency exits somewhere.
(The team searches unsuccessfully.)
MACKILLES: Any luck?
UPCHUCLES: No exit.
COREON: (getting claustrophobic and panicky) I can’t take it anymore! Hades is other people!
(The others confirm—no way out.)
KEVYSSEUS: Yeah, all I found was this giant can of mace.
MACKILLES: What? (walks over to see the can. He reads out loud.) “Man-B-Gone: for incapacitating men and other pests.” Way to go, Kevysseus!
KEVYSSEUS: Yeah! I rule! (pause) What’d I do?
MACKILLES: We can use this against the Barclops. Come on, guys, help me move this thing.
(The team manages to hoist the can up on a ledge and hide it. Mackilles stands behind it and the others wait for the Barclops to wake up. In the morning, she gets up and rolls away the rock.)
BARCLOPS: Well now, which of you worthless male scum should I eat this time?
(As she leans down to pick up one of the men, they reveal the can.)
(Mackilles presses down the dispenser and sprays the Barclops.)
BARCLOPS: (covering her eye and stumbling back) Ack! I should have known better than to trust a bunch of lying, back-stabbing men!
(Kevysseus and the others escape from the cave as the Barclops staggers out behind them.)
MACKILLES: To the ship! Quickly!
(The team safely reaches the ship and sets off again.)
KEVYSSEUS: All riiiight! I’m the hero! In your face, stupid, freaky monster! Humans one, everyone else zero! Yeah! No one messes with Kevysseus!
BARCLOPS: Gods and goddesses, but mostly goddesses, avenge me! Don’t let those evil men get away with their brutality!
KEVYSSEUS: Yeah, right. Like some stupid house pets could hurt me!
MACKILLES: She said gods, not dogs.
KEVYSSEUS: Oh. Is that bad?
(The gods and goddesses are gathered in
POSEIDINO [DeMartino]: O Zeus, it appears that the moron—I mean, mortal—Kevysseus has attacked the Barclops and is now taunting us with his victory. I consider it a grave personal insult and I demand vengeance!
ZEUS [Ms. Li]: Please, Poseidino, try to stay calm. Kevysseus and his men recently brought great glory and honor to their country as well as to Olllllympus!
POSEIDINO: When I agreed to the meager wages you offered me as God of the Sea, you promised me that one of the benefits was the right to attack any mortal who irritated me. Kevysseus is number one on that list!
ZEUS: Very well, you have my permission. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to install more security cameras in Tartarus. (muttering) Damn souls keep escaping from detention. Perhaps more guard dogs. Or more heads for the guard dog we already have…
(Back on the ship. Kevysseus is at the wheel, but Mackilles is supervising.)
KEVYSSEUS: … knocked down, but I get up again! You’re never gonna keep me down! I get knocked down, but I—
MACKILLES: (annoyed) Kevysseus!
MACKILLES: (calming down) Maybe you should pay attention to where we’re going. (quietly) Why, oh why did I untie him?
KEVYSSEUS: No problem. After everything we’ve been through so far, the rest of the trip will be a piece of cake!
MACKILLES: Just don’t ever say “Things can’t possibly get any worse”. (pause) Do you actually have any idea where we are?
KEVYSSEUS: (cheerfully) Nope. Hey why don’t we ask that guy for directions?
MACKILLES: What guy?
KEVYSSEUS: That guy over there. (points to Poseidino, who has risen out of the water and is glowering down at the ship.)
MACKILLES: You do that. Excuse me. (runs for shelter below deck)
POSEIDINO: Well, if it isn’t the great Kevysseus, returning from yet another pointless victory!
KEVYSSEUS: (losing only a little of his cheerfulness) Uh, yeah. What’s up?
POSEIDINO: Do you even know who I am?
KEVYSSEUS: Umm… the lifeguard?
POSEIDINO: Not quite. In fact, you might say I’m the exact opposite! Now witness the wrath of Poseidino! (sinks back into the water as a storm suddenly begins to rage.)
KEVYSSEUS: So you’re, like, the concession stand guy?
(As the storm becomes stronger, the rest of the team emerges to help keep the ship under control. They are blown far off course.)
(The storm continues. Tedalus is keeping watch while the others struggle to keep the ship afloat.)
TEDALUS: Land! On the starboard side! (Everyone but Mackilles stares blankly at him.) The right! On the right!
(The team lands on another island, and the storm abruptly stops.)
KEVYSSEUS: All right! The big, wet rainstorm’s over!
MACKILLES: If you start singing again, I’m going to throw you overboard.
COREON: But where are we?
OS: The Aeolian island.
(The team turns to see Aeolus [Jodie].)
TEDALUS: So you must be Aeolus, keeper of the wind!
AEOLUS: (to Tedalus) Among other things. You must be Kevysseus.
KEVYSSEUS: Nah, that’s me! I’m the hero!
AEOLUS: Zeus help us. (sighs) All right, come with me. I have something for you. (walks away)
KEVYSSEUS: (following) Okay, but I already have a babe at home.
(Aeolus only rolls her eyes and keeps walking. They enter her house, and she takes a small bag out of a drawer and hands it to Kevysseus.)
AEOLUS: This is the great ocean hall pass of the gods. It will allow you to travel safely back to Lawndithaca, but you must not take it out of this bag.
KEVYSSEUS: Why not?
AEOLUS: Because Zeus gave it to me to guard, and she would be angry if she found out I had loaned it to a complete…uh, hero.
KEVYSSEUS: Thanks! But if I’m so great, why are you giving the pass to me?
AEOLUS: Because I have enough to take care of! I have to clean out the Labyrinth every day, I’m vice-president of the Argonaut Club, I’m manager of the Harpies, and I’m trying to learn how to play the lyre. Someone else can handle some of the load for once! (Kevysseus backs away as she continues to rant.) I mean, who do they think I am? Atlas?
(Back on board the ship.)
UPCHUCLES: So, what did the lovely Aeolus have for you?
KEVYSSEUS: Just this bag. (tosses the bag into a corner) I forget what’s in it, but I think it’s important. Oh, and I’m supposed to remember to open it. Oh, wait… (checks a note on his hand) I mean, not to open it.
(Kevysseus takes the wheel. Mackilles once again joins him.)
MACKILLES: Remember, the next time an angry god shows up, let me do all the talking.
(Time passes as the ocean remains calm. Upchucles, Tedalus, Coreon, and various other teammates gather curiously around the bag.)
UPCHUCLES: Oooh, such a mystery. I wonder what forbidden delights lay inside this bag? Erotic parchments, perhaps?
TEDALUS: Hey, maybe there’s gum inside!
COREON: You think everything has gum inside.
UPCHUCLES: There’s only one way to find out. Shall we, boys?
(They open the bag, revealing the pass. Back in
ZEUS: Unauthorized hall pass use!
(She hurls a bolt of lightning at the pass, disintegrating it completely. Poseidino cheers.)
POSEIDINO: YESSS! I am free to wreak havoc once again!
(The ship is tossed around on the water as another storm rages.)
MACKILLES: (clinging to the mast) Dammit, Kevysseus! Why can’t you just apologize to the nice god?
KEVYSSEUS: (ignoring him and pointing off in the distance) Look over there! The water’s okay near those cliffs!
(The team steers the ship in that direction.)
MACKILLES: (looking closely at the cliffs) Uh oh.
KEVYSSEUS: What’s the matter?
MACKILLES: I think that’s the land of the Laestrygonians.
MACKILLES: Laestrygonians. Monsters that attack ships and the people on them.
(Suddenly, various giant children [Sam and Chris Griffin, Brian Taylor, Tad and Tricia Gupty, and others] emerge from behind trees with paintball guns and begin shooting at the men.)
MACKILLES: I knew it! Those are the Laestrygonians!
KEVYSSEUS: Lice with onions?
MACKILLES: (frustrated) Laestry—AAAUGHH!!! (gets knocked overboard by a paintball; loud “splash”) (OS) Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt!
KEVYSSEUS: Oh, no, Mackilles! Hold on, we’ll get a rope!
MACKILLES: (OS) Don’t bother. I’m, uh, dead. Yeah, that’s it. Dead. You’ll have to go on without me. (swims away, muttering) Thank you, merciful gods.
KEVYSSEUS: Aw, man! Well, you heard
the dead guy, men. Sail on!
(The ship sails past the Laestrygonians and continues on, in spite of occasional storms. Eventually, they stop at Aeaea.)
UPCHUCLES: I don’t know, sir. We’ve been having an awful lot of bad luck with these islands. Are you sure it’s safe to leave the ship?
KEVYSSEUS: Of course it’s safe! I’m
not scared of anything!
TEDALUS: Wow, you’re brave. Most people would be terrified of all the monsters out there! Gorgons that can turn men to stone, or a Sphinx that devours people, or—
KEVYSSEUS: (nervous laugh) Well, uh, I guess I’m just really heroic. Oh, I just remembered I have a bunch of really important hero-type things I’ve gotta do on the ship. Why don’t you guys go check out the island, and I’ll catch up with you when I’m done?
COREON: (suspiciously) What kind of things?
KEVYSSEUS: Lots of things. Important things. You all go on and have fun, okay?
(The rest of the team leaves the ship, grumbling. Kevysseus gets out a comic urn and starts reading it. He falls asleep minutes later.)
OS: Hey, wake up! Even I don’t sleep this late!
KEVYSSEUS: (in his sleep) I swear I had no idea she was really a eunuch! (waking up) Hey, who are you?
JARMES [Jane]: What, the winged sneakers didn’t give it away? (sees Kevysseus’s blank stare) Jarmes. (no response) Messenger of the gods. (still nothing) Never mind. I’m someone important who can help you defeat Circe, the witch who lives on this island.
KEVYSSEUS: (hiding his nervousness—badly) Witch?
JARMES: Relax, I have a special potion that will make you immune to her magic.
KEVYSSEUS: What’s a mune?
JARMES: (sighing) Just drink this. (tosses him a can)
KEVYSSEUS: (reading) “Colus Ultrus”. (opens the can, chugs, and belches)
JARMES: Now, the witch has put a spell on your men, and when you confront her she’ll try to do the same to you. It won’t work, and then you have to force her to turn the others back into men.
JARMES: You’ll think of something. Good luck! (leaves, muttering) Think? Him? Yeah, and maybe Dionysus will lay off the hooch!
(Kevysseus reaches a house with life-sized chocolate statues of men in the yard. Several of them are recognizable as Kevysseus’s teammates.)
KEVYSSEUS: All right! A candy store! Maybe this won’t be too bad!
(The front door opens and Circe [Mrs. Johansen] waddles out, panting heavily.)
CIRCE: Hey, are you sellin’ chocolate bars?
CIRCE: Pity. (She gestures at Kevysseus. Nothing happens. She tries again, still with no result.) Huh. That’s weird.
KEVYSSEUS: (looking at the statues) You know, that kind of looks like Tedalus! (takes a bite from the shoulder) Hey, there’s a bubble gum center!
CIRCE: Stop that! How come you ain’t turnin’ into chocolate like the others?
KEVYSSEUS: Like the others? Then that means… (thinks hard) these must be my teammates! You turned them into chocolate? Man, that’s not cool! You’ve gotta fix them!
CIRCE: You can’t make me. I’m a witch! You’re powerless against me!
KEVYSSEUS: Well, I’m not leaving until you give me back my teammates. (sits down and begins humming)
KEVYSSEUS: (singing) …Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-seven bottles of beer!
CIRCE: If this is some kinda trick, it ain’t gonna work! I got the patience and endurance of an immortal! (wheezes) Aside from this hypoglycemia.
Three years later…
KEVYSSEUS: …take one down and pass it around, thirty-two bottles of beer on—
CIRCE: All right! All right! I’ll change your men back, and I’ll even help ya get home if you (yells) JUST…STOP…SINGING! (wheezes) First, go to Hades—
KEVYSSEUS: You go to Hades!
CIRCE: Will ya listen? You go down to Hades, and find the prophet Shermesias. He’ll tell you how to get back home. Your men will be back to normal by the time you get back. Now will ya please get outta here?
KEVYSSEUS: Just a second, I’m almost done. (sings) Thirty-two bottles of beer on the wall, thirty-two bottles of beer!
CIRCE: GO NOW!
(At the entrance to Hades)
KEVYSSEUS: Wow. So this is the Underworld. The place from which no soul returns. The darkest, most feared place known to man.
(He enters to see many souls howling in anguish and writhing on the ground.)
O’HADES [O’Neill]: Now, I realize that being dead might make have you feeling a little “bummed out”, but let’s look at this as a journey to the land of self-discovery. A land where it's okay to laugh, and it's okay...to cry.
KEVYSSEUS: (yells) Anybody seen a guy named Shermesias?
OS: That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
(Kevysseus turns to see Shermesias [Tommy Sherman].)
SHERMESIAS: In the flesh. (pause) Well, used to be. What’s a scrawny punk like you doing in the Underworld?
KEVYSSEUS: I’m the great hero, Kevysseus!
SHERMESIAS: Great hero? (laughs) Sure you are. And I’m the Minotaur.
KEVYSSEUS: No, really! But I need some advice. Some fat chick named Circe said you could help me get back to Lawndithaca.
SHERMESIAS: Yeah, I can help you. (draws
map on the ground and makes markings similar to football plays) You want to go
east past the
KEVYSSEUS: No, I got it. So first I go west—
SHERMESIAS: Look, why don’t I just write this down and pin it to your tunic?
(Kevysseus leaves the Underworld and returns to Aeaea. His teammates are waiting by the shore.)
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, guys! You’ll never believe where I’ve been!
(Everyone boards the ship.)
TEDALUS: Does anyone know what happened to my shoulder?
(The journey continues uneventfully until the ship begins to approach a cluster of rocks. In the distance, a trio of beautiful women can be seen sitting on them.)
UPCHUCLES: (at the wheel) Permission to steer toward those luscious ladies, sir!
KEVYSSEUS: I don’t know… What would Mackilles have done? (thinks) Eh, I bet he’d have been cool with it. Right?
UPCHUCLES: (grinning) Rrrrrrr.
(The ship comes closer, and the sirens can now be heard clearly.)
SIREN #1 [Stacy]: Ugh! Being around all this salt water is drying out my skin!
SIREN #2 [Sandi]: Sta—cy, no one cares about your nasty, peeling skin.
SIREN #3: [Tiffany]: These rocks are reeeeeally shiny.
(The prattle continues.)
COREON: They’re horrible! Quick, turn around! We have to get away!
(There is a “splash” as Upchucles dives out of the ship and starts swimming toward the rocks.)
KEVYSSEUS: (calling after Upchucles) Dude, it’s not worth it! (waits…then, to the others) Well, if he’s that desperate then we’ll have to leave him behind!
(The ship veers away and escapes.)
SIRENS: (OS) EWWWWW!!!
UPCHUCLES: (OS) Feist—AAAUGHH!!!
(Later, still on the ship. Tedalus is at the wheel.)
TEDALUS: Sir? There’s a narrow channel ahead.
TEDALUS: Well, I don’t have a very good feeling about this. I’ve heard rumors about a place like this…
KEVYSSEUS: Aw, don’t worry. I’ve gotten you this far okay!
COREON: (quietly) Most of us, anyway.
KEVYSSEUS: Come on, by now I’m sure the worst is over.
(The ship enters the channel.)
KEVYSSEUS: Wow, look at that swirly thing! It looks like a Jacuzzi!
TEDALUS: (steering frantically away) That’s Charybdis, the giant whirlpool! We’ll be sucked in!
(As the ship narrowly avoids Charybdis, a low, rumbling laugh can faintly be heard from within it. Tedalus continues to steer away from it, toward the other side of the channel.)
OS: I am the great Scyllholio! Are you threatening me?
TEDALUS: What was tha—AAAUGHH!!!
(The monster Scyllholio, standing on a nearby ledge, snatches Tedalus and devours him as the ship leaves the channel.)
KEVYSSEUS: Huh. I guess he was right. Oops, my bad!
COREON: Sir, the guys and I have been talking and we’ve decided that we want you to pull this ship over at the next island. We, uh, have some vacation time that we’d like to use. Like, right now.
(Kevysseus steers toward the closest island and lands. The rest of the team runs ashore while Kevysseus stays behind.)
KEVYSSEUS: (yelling after them) Remember where we’re parked, okay?
(Later that day, the whole team runs back onto the ship in a panic.)
COREON: Uh, we changed our minds. We’re ready to leave now. Quickly. Please.
KEVYSSEUS: Sure. What’ve you guys been doing?
COREON: Nothing sacrilegious!
(As the ship sails away, storm clouds gather. Thunder booms and lightning fills the sky. Suddenly Zeus appears above the ship.)
KEVYSSEUS: Oh, good, I was afraid it was going to be that Posey guy again.
ZEUS: (shrill) Kevysseus, do you have any idea how much trouble you and your men have caused?
KEVYSSEUS: Is this about that chick in
ZEUS: No! I’m talking about her! (points to Helios)
HELIOS [Bennet]: (crying) You’ve ruined them!
ZEUS: You have destroyed the Sacred Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits!
COREON: Aw, it was just a stupid game of hackey-sack!
HELIOS: Stuffing everywhere… (sobs) Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bit button eyes all over the place…
ZEUS: I’m afraid I have no choice but to take severe disciplinary action. Report immediately to Hades for detention!
(A lightning bolt strikes the ship, destroying it and killing everyone but Kevysseus.)
KEVYSSEUS: Whoa, what are the odds?
ZEUS: Consider this a warning. Rrrresume voyaging! (disappears)
(After a long night of clinging to a piece of wreckage, Kevysseus washes ashore on Ogygia.)
KEVYSSEUS: (getting up) Okay, well, at least things can’t possibly get any worse.
OS: Maybe not for you, but I think my day just got a whole lot more obnoxious.
(Pan over to see Darypso [Daria].)
KEVYSSEUS: Uh, hi! (pause, then relief) Oh, good, you don’t seem to be an evil monster or anything.
DARYPSO: Gee, I bet you say that to all the girls. Actually, I’m a nymph.
KEVYSSEUS: A nymph? Hey, doesn’t that mean you—
KEVYSSEUS: Oh, okay. So, are you stranded on this stupid island, too?
DARYPSO: I own this “stupid” island, actually. Although, I suppose the island’s average IQ has dropped significantly since you got here.
DARYPSO: Never mind. Look, would you like some help getting back to wherever you’re from? Or, more specifically, some help getting off my island?
KEVYSSEUS: Uh, I was thinking of hanging around for awhile. My ship sort of got struck by lightning, so I’m stuck here anyway.
DARYPSO: (points) Look! Trees! Perfect for building a new ship.
KEVYSSEUS: That’s silly. How are trees going to help me make a new ship?
DARYPSO: First you take an ax—(looks thoughtfully at Kevysseus for a moment)–uh, maybe not. Damn.
KEVYSSEUS: You know, this place is really kind of nice. (starts walking around) Do you get the Pigskin Channel here?
DARYPSO: (looking up) Got any more of that lightning handy? Him or me—I’m not picky.
(Seven years go by as Kevysseus continues to freeload. Darypso is seen reading for most of the time.)
KEVYSSEUS: Darypso! Hey, Darypso! (Darypso looks up, annoyed.) Do we have any more nuts?
DARYPSO: (to self) Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
JARMES: (OS) Yo.
DARYPSO: This island is getting way too crowded. (to Jarmes) I assume you’re here for a reason?
JARMES: What, your sunny disposition isn’t reason enough? (Darypso doesn’t reply.) Okay, I’ve been sent with a message from Zeus: you have to let Kevysseus leave.
DARYPSO: Let him leave? I’ve tried begging him, bribing him, and beating him. He won’t go. Besides, Gilligan over there doesn’t have a ship.
JARMES: Is that all? (snaps her fingers and a raft appears)
DARYPSO: You could have done that all along, couldn’t you?
JARMES: Uh, sort of.
DARYPSO: And you let him stay here for seven years. (menacing) Seven. Years. Do you have any idea how many annoying songs he’s got memorized?
JARMES: Oh, my, look at the sun. Time for me to go. (flies away)
DARYPSO: Damn gods. (calls to Kevysseus) Okay, vacation’s over. Your ride is here.
KEVYSSEUS: Aww, but I was just about to practice my air lute!
(Darypso grabs his arm, drags him to the raft, pushes him onto it, and shoves it out on the water.)
DARYPSO: Have a nice voyage. Try to get eaten by a sea monster if at all possible.
(After Kevysseus has been floating for a while, the sky clouds up and the water becomes rough. Poseidino rises out of the ocean once more.)
POSEIDINO: So, we meet again, Kevysseus! And tell me, have you learned anything from this misadventure?
KEVYSSEUS: Uh, I should take the bus home next time?
POSEIDINO: Not even close. Okay, here’s a hint: Everything that has happened to you in the past ten years is a result of your lacking one vital personality trait. Now, can you tell me what that trait is?
KEVYSSEUS: I’m…too popular?
KEVYSSEUS: Isn’t he the golden touch guy?
POSEIDINO: Think humility, Kevysseus! (holding back anger) I want you to consider this: the gods brought you into this world, and the gods can take you right back out again. You might want to show us some respect.
KEVYSSEUS: So I should, like, send you guys a thank you card?
POSEIDINO: Close enough. Now, move along, Kevysseus.
(Poseidino fades away as a giant tidal wave carries Kevysseus’s raft away. He drifts for several days, eventually landing in Phaecia.)
KEVYSSEUS: (crawling ashore) Man, this is the worst vacation ever!
(OS laughter is heard. Kevysseus sees the princess Nausiquinn [Quinn] walking nearby and approaches her.)
KEVYSSEUS: Hi! Can you—
NAUSIQUINN: Ewwww! You’re, like, all covered in seaweed! The shipwrecked look is so over!
KEVYSSEUS: Uh, okay. So, is this another of those weird, freaky islands?
NAUSIQUINN: No way!
This is the
(She leads him to her parents, King Alcinoüs [Jake] and Queen Arete [Helen].)
ALCINOÜS: Hey there, Kevysseus m’man! I hear you’ve been at sea for while.
KEVYSSEUS: Yeah, but I lost my—
ALCINOÜS: You know, I wanted to be a sailor, but noooooo. I had to be happy with ruling a country! No adventures for poor little Alsie!
ARETE: Remember what the physician said about your humors, Alcinoüs.
ALCINOÜS: Right, right. So, Kevysseus, why not stick around and chat? Tell us a little about where you’ve been, what you’ve done!
KEVYSSEUS: Well, there was this football game that I won because I’m really smart, then we sailed around to all these weird places, but I wasn’t scared ‘cause I’m the hero! But then everyone else died and my ship kind of blew up or something, and then I wound up on an island with this chick who I think had the hots for me, but I had to keep going because of how important I am. So I was on this raft, and a big angry guy showed up and yelled at me, and I learned a lesson but I can’t remember what it was, so then I ended up here, and then you asked me where I’d been, and then I told you—
ARETE: (annoyed) Yes, we get it. Look, why don’t we give you a ride home? We’ll send you out on one of our ships as soon as possible.
ALCINOÜS: Aww, Arete! Can’t he stay a while and tell us some more about his trip?
ARETE: We don’t have time. I have to be at the “Icarus vs. The Acme Wax Manufacturing Corporation” trial in half an hour. Besides, I’m sure Kevysseus wants to get home to see his loved ones.
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, yeah, I bet Brittelope is wondering where I am!
(Brittelope [Brittany] is in Lawndithaca, twirling her hair and looking thoughtful or vacant—your choice.)
BRITTELOPE: I wonder what happened to what’s-his-name?
(Various suitors gather around her [Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, and others].)
SUITOR #1: Want me to play the lyre?
SUITOR #2: I could write an epic poem about you!
SUITOR #3: Will you go to the festival of Dionysus with me?
BRITTELOPE: Ohhhh, no. You aren’t fooling me again with your wild parties! Besides, one day my boyfriend will return. And he’ll have lots of really expensive gifts, or else he’ll be in big trouble, the big (squeaks) jerk!
Several weeks later…
(Kevysseus is leaving the Phaecian ship, humming “Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.)
KEVYSSEUS: Thanks for the ride! Hope everybody’s headaches get better soon!
(The ship sails away as fast as possible. Kevysseus walks away, still humming. He reaches his house and enters.)
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, babe, I’m home!
BRITTELOPE: (OS) Oh, Samicus…
KEVYSSEUS: (louder) Brittelope?
(OS squeaking. Samicus [Sam Stack] runs past Kevysseus and out of the house. Brittelope comes out, smoothing her hair and clothes.)
BRITTELOPE: Hi, um, you!
KEVYSSEUS: (oblivious) Did you miss me?
BRITTELOPE: Of course I did, Vekeezy—er, Kessivi—oh, whatever!
KEVYSSEUS: I’m Kevysseus! Don’t you remember? Jeez, I remembered your name!
BRITTELOPE: (getting angry) Well, you were gone for a really long time and you never told me where you were. You said you were going out with the guys! Where have you been for the last twenty years?
KEVYSSEUS: So—rry. Uh, I brought presents! Have you ever tried lotus fruit?
BRITTELOPE: Oh, I can’t stay mad at you, Kevysseus!
(Various suitors pass through the room.)
KEVYSSEUS: Hey, since when do all these people live here?
BRITTELOPE: They kind of moved in after you left. They’re real nice! They buy me stuff and take me places and propose all the time and—
KEVYSSEUS: What?! Hey, no one messes with my girlfriend but me!
(Kevysseus beats up the suitors, succeeding mainly because he still has his armor on.)
BRITTELOPE: Oh, babe! Thank the gods those horrible suitors are gone! Why couldn’t they just have accepted that no one could ever replace my Kessius!
BRITTELOPE: That’s what I said.
OS: Oh, great, another loser “dad” to put up with.
(Pan over to reveal Telemachus [Link].)
KEVYSSEUS: Uh, babe? Who’s that kid over there?
BRITTELOPE: (nervous) Well, that’s your son.
KEVYSSEUS: Cool! How old are you, little guy?
KEVYSSEUS: Wait a minute… (counting on his fingers) Twenty years minus twelve years equals, uh… equals… So you were born… five years before I left?
BRITTELOPE: (quickly) Yeah!
rolls his eyes and leaves.)
KEVYSSEUS: Wow, I must have really not been paying attention while I was here before, huh?
BRITTELOPE: It doesn’t matter now. Now come here, my great famous hero!
(Mercifully fade out as they begin kissing.)
KEVYSSEUS: (OS) Hey, you want to hear the joke I made about this team we played against?
(Fade in on Quinn, asleep. A copy of The Odyssey sits on her stomach.)
QUINN: (sitting up, awake) Gawd! From now on I’m sticking to Waif magazine. And I am never eating Dad’s kitchen sink stew before bedtime again!
Cast of Characters:
Mack, Ted, Upchuck, Robert, Corey, and others...... Odysseus’s men
Ms. Barch................................................................ Polyphemus (The Cyclops)
Mr. DeMartino......................................................... Poseidon (God of the sea)
Ms. Li...................................................................... Zeus (Supreme deity)
Jodie........................................................................ Aeolus (Keeper of the winds)
Jane......................................................................... Hermes (Messenger of the gods)
Mrs. Johansen.......................................................... Circe (a witch)
Mr. O’Neill.............................................................. Hades (God of the underworld)
Tommy Sherman...................................................... Teiresias (a prophet)
Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.......................................... The Sirens
Mrs. Bennet............................................................. Helios (God of the sun)
Daria........................................................................ Calypso (a nymph)
Quinn....................................................................... Nausicaa (princess of Phaecia), herself
Jake......................................................................... Alcinoüs (king of Phaecia)
Helen....................................................................... Arete (queen of Phaecia)
Jeffy, Joey, Jamie, Sam Stack, and others................. Various suitors