The Bands of Summer
Summary: An epic tale of friendship, deceit and financial impoverishment. Oh, and some music too.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to The Angst Guy, WacoKid, Hiergargo, RLobinske, Mr Orange, Scissors MacGillicutty, and brnleague99 for reading and commenting on this work as it gradually evolved.
[The locale isa dingy dressing room, within which the members of Mystik Spiral are gathered.]
NICK: So, our first interview… How do we handle it?
TRENT: Let’s just play it cool. You know, show our passion.
JESSE: Yeah.
TRENT: Besides, I told our interviewer she could only ask five questions. It’s early.
[By chance, Lawndale Sun-Herald journalist Tina Gordon arrives after this very statement.]
TINA: Hi. Shall we get this started?
MAX: Sure.
TINA: Alright. [Turns recorder on.] Trent, where do you get your inspiration?
[Pause.]
TRENT: I write what I feel, you know, life.
TINA: Deep. How did the band get started?
TRENT: We met up in high school, and formed a musical bond that has lasted several years.
JESSE: Yeah.
TINA: Has Mystik Spiral always had the same line-up?
TRENT: Not quite. We briefly had another drummer. What was his name?
NICK: Pete.
TRENT: He didn’t last long.
TINA: Never mind. What releases do you have available?
NICK: Our music is all on-stage fornow. We do hope to release a single.
MAX: What about our pressing of ‘Behind My Eyelids’?
NICK: Dude, we gave all ten copies away. That doesn’t count.
MAX: Oh. Right. If anyone can help, just call.
TINA: We’ll try our best. Andmy final question is for Trent. What do you hope to achieve through your music?
[A lengthy pause.]
TRENT: Well, we would like to inspire kids to pick up a guitar. Ourmusic is all about expression. Of course, fame would be cool.
NICK: We’re already rehearsing our cover poses. [Laughs.]
TRENT: He isn’t kidding. Playing at pubs isn’t where wewant to be. I want more. We should be playing stadiums; our music has that sort of potential. ‘Every Dog Has Its Day’ could be a hit, if it got MTV airplay. Money, women, having as much as we want, that’s what we’d really like, the more the better. Being a millionaire would be great…[Beat.] I mean, it would be great having millions hear our message. Yeah, Mystik Spiral is all about the music, it really is.
TINA: Thanks for talking.
TRENT: Anytime.
[Tina leaves, and the band’s mood instantly deflates.]
TRENT: I didn’t mean to go on for that long. Sorry.
JESSE: At least it’s over.
MAX: Oh, so you’re talking now?
TRENT: Come on, stop fighting. How are we going to be rich if we’re too busy arguing?
MAX: Sorry, you’re right.
[Trent appears thoughtful.]
TRENT: What we really need is a representative. Someone who could sign us to a contract, or whatever.
[Trent’s musings are interrupted by a call from on-stage, “Guys, you’re on!” The band hurriedly exits. Cut to stage.]
TRENT: Hi, we’re Mystik Spiral, and we’re not changing the name. This song is called ‘Ice Box Woman’.
[As the band launches into this number, we cut to a smoky table elsewhere in The Zon.]
TOM: Hmm…. [Taking notes.] The lead singer is unkempt, yet has a certain charisma. The lyrics are limited, but when did that every stop anyone? [Chuckles.]
ELSIE: [Bored.] Never.
TOM: That’s right, Els!
ELSIE: Don’t call me that.
TOM: I’ll call you what I want to call you. I’m the one paying you to accompany me to this gig.
ELSIE: Yes sir.
[Cut back to stage, where Mystik Spiral has just finished ‘Ice Box Woman’. The applause is thunderous.]
TRENT: Thanks. When I’m sleeping, I see behind my eyelids.
[The band launches into this number. Cut back to Tom.]
TOM: Hmm…we can work on the stage banter. Elsie, as Representative of Sloane Records, I believe I have found my first band! I’ll have to see them after this ‘set’. [Beat.] See, I know the lingo. Your older brother is pretty cool after all, isn’t he?
ELSIE: Yes. Just don’t go beyond the monosyllabic with them.
TOM: Good advice. Maybe you too canjoin Sloane Records one day…
ELSIE: [Quietly] I shouldn’t have bothered.
[Mercifully, Tom doesn’t hearthis remark. Flash forward to the concert’s end. The band is again in their dank dressing room.]
TRENT: Good show.
JESSE: Yeah. They were into us.
[A knock is heard.]
TRENT: Great, they want us out of here.
[Tom Sloane enters.]
TOM: [Dramatic tone.] And I can help you! Tom Sloane, Sloane Records.
TRENT: Oh. You dated Jane, right?
TOM: Yeah, but that isn’t important.
TRENT: Ok. What can we do for you?
TOM: I’ll be blunt. I saw your ‘set’ and saw potential stars on stage. I’ve seen many bands, and few have the look your band has. Properly marketed, Mystik Spiral couldbe huge!
JESSE: Really?
TOM: Yeah. [Beat.] That’s whyI want to sign you.
TRENT: What’s your offer?
TOM: Well, it will increase with fame, but I’ll start you guys out on $8,000…Per week!
TRENT/JESSE/NICK/MAX: Wow!
TRENT: How do we join your label?
TOM: [Brandishes an inordinately long contract.] Sign here my friends, just sign here… [Low tone.] Then you shall be mine.
JESSE: What?
TOM: Oh nothing. Just sign here.
TRENT: Ok.
[The band signs the contract without looking at its contents.]
TRENT: Uh, I have to arrange something first.
TOM: Sure.
TRENT: Hey Robert!
[The Zon’s manager/bartender enters.]
ROBERT: Hi guys. Great show.
TRENT: Yeah. Look, we can’t keep up these gigs.
ROBERT: Come on, I’ll raise your pay by a full $50?
[The band appears to consider this for a brief moment. Tom interjects.]
TOM: You can’t compete with the vast resources of Sloane Records.
TRENT: So don’t try.
ROBERT: Well then. Best of luck forthe future!
TRENT: Just wait. We’ll show you up and…
ROBERT: I just said ‘Best of luck’.
TRENT: Oh.
[Just as Robert expects an apology,the band exits. Cut to the Zon’s parking lot, Tom addressing the Spiral.]
TOM: I know this is hard, but can you please keep this quiet, just for a little while? There are some people who might be jealous of your success, and it might be best if they find out after you’ve released your first #1 record.
NICK: We can hit #1?
TOM: Of course you can. I believe in you, and my opinion is well respected. Isn’t that right Elsie?
ELSIE: Yes…
TOM: Well guys, we have to go. It’s been great. Take these [Hands each member a ‘Sloane Records’ business card.] and I’ll call you in the morning… On these. [Pulls out four shiny new cell phones.]
TRENT: Thanks.
[Tom and Elsie begin walking towardtheir car.]
TOM: And don’t tell anybody!
JESSE: Even you?
TOM: Forget it. Just don’t let the secret out.
[With this said, Tom heads off.]
[Cut to Trent’s room. It appears as if nothing has changed, until a close-up reveals that Trent is absent. The days of the twenty-hour slumber have ended. Cut to the Lane lounge room.]
JANE: So paying forcollege could be a major problem.
DARIA: We’ve faced so many before, and somehow survived.
JANE: Yeah, but this isn’t a matter of moronic DJ’s, mandatory volleyball games or colossal Fashion Clubbers…
DARIA: This is financial.
JANE: As it is, affording BFAC is going to be tougher than studying there.
DARIA: I’d like to help you, but the Montana Cabin Fund only stretches so far.
JANE: You tried your best. There has to be another way.
DARIA: Sorry to mention this, but you could get a job?
JANE: ‘I’ve never had a job because I’ve never wanted one’… I’d like to be able to say that for at least another year.
DARIA: It’s aNutty Nutty Nutty World ended my hopes.
JANE: They cracked you damnit, leaving the bitter shell we know and love.
[Daria appears annoyed.]
JANE: Oh, bad pun…Puns.
[Straining for a solution, Daria reaches for a nearby issue of the Lawndale Sun-Herald.]
DARIA: We could always check the newspaper? The writing is generally poor…
JANE: ‘All the poor journalism fit to print!” Couldn’t help it.
DARIA: [Continuing]But there could be a useful advertisement.
JANE: Um, alright.
[Time passes. Cut to The Van.]
TRENT: What’s the time?
JESSE: [Checks watch] 10:31am.
[Awkward silence.]
TRENT: What’s the time?
JESSE: Still 10:31am.
TRENT: Sorry, it’s early.
MAX: Are we there yet?
NICK: No. If we were, why would we still be driving?
MAX: Good point.
TRENT: Tom said Sloane Manor was only a short trip away, not even a day. [Beat.] That could be a lyric.
JESSE: Yeah.
[We return to the Lane lounge room.]
JANE: Notice anything so far?
DARIA: Two editorial rants, several pages of fluff and a ‘letters’ page barely raising itself above the idiotic. We do still have 40 pages though.
JANE: Since when are you an optimist?
DARIA: I’m reading the Lawndale Sun-Herald. Have to survive somehow.
JANE: Good point. [Glances at corner of Page 29.] Wait, look at this!
[By now, Daria too has noticed. A close-up reveals the text, stating;
‘Want to impress your friends? Want to make your musical talent pay?
Then enter the 1st Annual Lawndale Battle of the Bands Contest!
The Lawndale Chamber of Commerce is offering $2.500 to the act that most impresses our distinguished judges! All that money for playing a couple of songs? It’s totally worth it…totally!
Call for further details.’]
DARIA: The grammar is lacking.
JANE: But the prize-money isn’t. $2,500 could solve our problems!
DARIA: Except for the problem of having almost no musical talent. [Beat] Couldn’t you sell more paintings instead?
JANE: I couldn’t earn that much moolah, and besides Daria, when did you ever need talent to starta band? Look at Mystik Spiral.
DARIA: True.
JANE: Besides, the concert isn’t for almost a month, so we have plenty of time for preparation to put on a show.
DARIA: Famous last words, but…[Sighs] what other options do we have?
JANE: I thought youwere being the optimistic one?
DARIA: It’s an uncomfortable role.
[Cut to the palatial suite of Sloane Manor. Tom too is reading the Lawndale Sun-Herald.]
TOM: [To no-one in particular] I only read it for amusement…Really. [Beat.] I should hire a permanent sycophant for these moments. Hmm…
[Suddenly, his musings are interrupted by the contest.]
TOM: That is the one thing Mystik Spiral is currently lacking; credibility! I have to get them to enter. This could be the beginning of a beautiful career.
[Tom’s personal butler walks in, bearing a distinct resemblance to Jeeves.]
BUTLER: Your band has arrived, sir.
TOM: Excellent. Send them in.
BUTLER: Yes sir. [Exits.]
TOM: I love being me.
[Cut to Lane loungeroom.]
DARIA: We need instruments.
JANE: Relax. Trent has some acoustic guitars he’d rather forget about.
DARIA: Why?
JANE: You weren’t here for Mystik Spiral Unplugged. The horror, the horror.
DARIA: The instrumental abuse.
JANE: Exactly. Anyway, they lack in the dark recesses of the basement, [Ominous] if you dare.
DARIA: I can handlethat.
JANE: [Abruptly lightens.] Good.
DARIA: One problem solved. Shame there are still so many others.
JANE: We can’t handle them all today.
DARIA: That would be [emphasis] crazy.
JANE: Shall we watch some Sick Sad World after finding the guitars?
DARIA: Sure, if we survive. Once more unto the basement.
[Cut to the palatial suite of Sloane Manor. By now, Mystik Spiral has gathered. Tom is displaying the article.]
TOM: Gentlemen, I really think you should enter this competition.
TRENT: A ‘Battle of the Bands’? Aren’t we past that?
NICK: The prize money isn’t even close to what you’re paying us.
TOM: Well, this is about more than money. This is about, credibility. That’s something that money can’t buy. [Beat] Well, it can, but it’s much less fun that way. Just think of the publicity. ‘Meet The Spiral: Best Band in Lawndale’
MAX: Yeah, ‘Best Band in Lawndale’.
TRENT: “Best Band in Lawndale Has #1 Record’. That’d be good.
TOM: It sure would.Think of this as a first step. Everyone has to start somewhere. [Sounds nostalgic.] When I was a young lad in kindergarten, I earned my first dollar the hard way.
MAX: You set up a lemonade stand?
TOM: I ‘acquired‘ it from a fellow student.
NICK: You mean you stole it?
TOM: Acquired, stole, what’s the difference?
TRENT: Yeah. The important thing is that he worked for it.
TOM: That’s right Trent, and while I’ll try to help the band as best as I can, you still need to do some work. So, are you ‘in’?
[The band barely requires a moment to think this over.]
TRENT/JESSE: Sure!
TOM: Thank you. Youmay go now. I’ll stay here and think of some promotional strategies. Good day!
[Mystik Spiral collectively exits. Cut to Jane and Daria.]
JANE: [Searching] Almost there.
DARIA: [Sings in a voice that is very flat.] ‘You’ve got to hide your guitar away’
JANE: Did a good job of it too. But not good enough to foil us. [Pulls out guitar.]
DARIA: Huzzah.
JANE: These should cover our needs. Lucky that they didn’t smash them.
DARIA: The Spiral were into that?
JANE: Yeah, but it didn’t work. Nothing went right that night. Oh well, we’ve done our part.
DARIA: The rest canwait.
[They exit the basement, walking back out into the lounge room. At the door, they are confronted by Trent, attemptingto look inauspicious in semi-formal clothing.]
TRENT: Hi.
JANE: Uh, Trent, what’s up?
TRENT: [Abrupt, suspicious] Nothing Janie. Why would there be?
JANE: The fact that you’ve arrived unannounced looking as if you’ve become an office worker.
DARIA: We want answers.
TRENT: Uh, I don’t know, I mean, I’ll explain later. Honest.
Part 3
JANE: Where were you on the night of the 4th?
TRENT: What?
JANE: Last night.
TRENT: Oh. We were at a gig.
DARIA: Ok. But what about the clothes?
TRENT: Uh, [stammers] we were playing a Halloween gig.
JANE: Trent, Halloween isn’t for four months.
TRENT: Well then. I was given the clothes and a contract by To…[Realises.] They were a door prize, yeah, a door prize. Didn’t get them from Tom, didn’t get them anywhere else.
DARIA: [Sardonic] I’m sure they were.
JANE: And in unrelated news, could you help us with our musical prowess?
[Silence]
DARIA: Help us learn guitar.
TRENT: Oh, that. This wouldn’t have anything todo with a contest would it?
JANE: Yes, actually.
TRENT: [Fails to conceal look of shock.] Oh man, I mean, this is a bad time. I’m about to go out. Have to talk some other time.
JANE: But you just got back!
TRENT: For a brief moment.
DARIA: You’vebarely entered the house.
JANE: The door is still open.
TRENT: Told you it was brief. [Laughs, coughs, exits.]
[The sound of a cardriving off is audible.]
DARIA: What was that about?
JANE: I’d saythe stress’s gotten to him, but what stress?
DARIA: Beats me.
JANE: Speaking of which, ‘Sick Sad World’ is about to start.
[By chance, the television is heard.]
SSW ANNOUNCER: Meetthe religious radio announcer with five…wives! It’s Mormon in the Mornin’ on Sick Sad World.
DARIA: We could getto work…
JANE: All in good time.
[They watch. Cut toTrent driving furiously.]
TRENT: Oh man, this could ruin everything! I should phone ahead.
[Trent avoids road rules and dials a number on his phone.]
TRENT: Hi, Trent here.
TOM: Oh, good day. Has something gone wrong?
TRENT: Uh, I didn’t mean to, but I let our secret out.
TOM: Trent. I told you only last night. How could you have already let it out? Who knows?
TRENT: Jane and Daria. I tried to deflect them, but they weren’t buying.
TOM: Did you try the ‘door prize’ explanation?
TRENT: I did.
TOM: Wow. They are persistent. [Pause.] Uh, are you heading over here to let me know about this?
TRENT: Yeah.
TOM: Well, you’ve just told me the basics.
TRENT: Oh. Right.
TOM: Now I know youwant to see my opulent décor again, but that would just make your band mates jealous. [Chuckles] So how about you just turn around and let them know what’s happened? I could, but now I have to solve this problem.
TRENT: Do you think you can?
TOM: Of course, I’m Tom Sloane. Daria herself promised that we’d remain friends. They’ll listen to me. Do you have any idea why they decided to enter?
TRENT: No. It was kind of sudden.
TOM: Right. I’ll extract that out of them too.
TRENT: Good luck.
TOM: Yes, thank you. [Hangs up. Focus on Tom.] Hmmm. An announcement seems in order, but there’s no one here to hear it. [Thinks. Louder] Oh Elsie, could you come here for a moment?
ELSIE: [From distance] Alright, but this better be important.
TOM: Oh but it is.
ELSIE: Just a moment. [Arrives.] Yeah, what is it?
TOM: [Dramatic] It has been left to me to rectify the incompetence of my band!
ELSIE: [Monotone.] Wow. I thought it would be at least a week before you had to go through that spiel.
TOM: Me too. But nevertheless, something must be done and it is I who must do it!
ELSIE: Yay.
TOM: I must go. To the Sloanemobile! [Exits]
ELSIE: He’s gone too far. I should probably phone ahead. [Calls. Return to split-screen between Elsie and Jane.]
JANE: Yo?
ELSIE: Hi, this is Elsie Sloane. You remember me right?
JANE: Vaguely.
ELSIE: Just callingwith some news.
JANE: Ok, go ahead.
ELSIE: You and Daria were planning to enter a ‘Battle of the Band’ concert right?
JANE: Yeah. [Pause]Wow, news travels fast in these parts.
ELSIE: Thank your PR, Trent Lane.
JANE: He told Tom?
ELSIE: Unfortunately. I’m the one who has had to listen to him go on with his grandiose plans and declarations. A girl can only take so much.
JANE: Don’t worry, I’ve been there.
ELSIE: Anyway, he announced that he was going to see you and Daria about this. Be prepared.
JANE: Oh, right. Thanks. We should probably prepare ourselves.
ELSIE: That would be a good idea.
JANE: Later. [Hangs up.]
DARIA: What was that about?
JANE: Tom wants to see us, and I doubt it’s to exchange college stories.
DARIA: Good grief.
JANE: According to Elsie, he was also acting in a dramatic fashion.
DARIA: That’snothing new, although he usually hides that side of him.
JANE: I remember when he burst into it in the bedroom…
DARIA: Too much information.
JANE: I’ll stop.
DARIA: Good. Speaking of information though, we should see if Tom slips up.
JANE: It would helpto know exactly what Trent has been up to lately.
DARIA: We can only hope.
[Tom’s rusty vehicle happens to pull up at this moment. He gets out.]
TOM: Oh, just happened to be passing through the neighbourhood. [Looks] Why Daria, Jane, what a surprise!
DARIA: Drop it Tom.
TOM: Ok. [Decides to get straight to business.] So, I heard you were considering entering a ‘Battle of the Bands’ concert?
DARIA: Yeah. However did you find out?
TOM: Oh Trent was very quick to let me know. [Pause.] He must really care about you.
JANE: Yeah, except for abandoning us for asking a few innocent questions.
TOM: Those things can’t be helped. Why did you enter?
JANE: To triumph. Oh, and to gain funds.
TOM: Whatever you need, I’ll double it.
JANE: Hmm… [Appears to briefly consider.] No, I don’t need Sloane handouts!
DARIA: They’re probably tax-deductible anyway.
TOM: Oh well. Maybethe other bands will be more receptive of my ‘offer’. So to confirm, you’re still entering?
JANE: Yes.
TOM: Don’t worry; I plan to hone the skills of Mystik Spiral in my capacity as President of Sloane Records.
DARIA: You mean they’ll be able to play without degenerating into a shambles?
JANE: Daria, please, he isn’t a miracle worker.
TOM: Oh very well. Despite your sarcasm, we will triumph. But I should be going. [Sounding fake] Wow, this has been fun, we should catch up some other time.
[Silence]
TOM: And don’t worry. We’ll win fair and square.
[Cut to boardroom meeting.]
TOM: I want Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane dead! [Pauses, ponders.] Actually, that might not reflect so well in public. I want them ‘unable to enter’!
LACKEY: You mean ‘incapacitated’?
TOM: Precisely.
LACKEY: Yes sir!
Part 4
[The next day. The scene is now in Daria’s room. Daria is tentatively holding a guitar.]
DARIA: So what experience do you have?
JANE: Well, I’ve been close to the local music scene for years, and you pick up a few things…
DARIA: Ok. Such as?
JANE: How not to play like Mystik Spiral.
DARIA: That’sa start.
JANE: Seriously though, I did pick up the basics, with emphasis upon the ‘basic’. [Instructing Daria] Now if you press down upon the 2nd to 4th strings at the second fret and strum, you are making an “A chord.”
[Daria tries to strum. The results are muted.]
DARIA: It isn’t working.
JANE: You have to press down.
DARIA: I’m trying.
JANE: Don’t worry. We’ll get there.
DARIA: Eventually.
JANE: I was leavingthat part unspoken. Just try again… [Daria tries again.] Maybe I should demonstrate. [Takes guitar from Daria.]
[Cut to Quinn’s room, within which a meeting is taking place.]
SANDI: Thank you for that presentation on strappy sandals for summer.
QUINN: Great job Stacy!
TIFFANY: Yeah….
[Stacy smiles.]
QUINN: I think we should move on to…
[Suddenly, their meeting is interrupted by several loud guitar chords.]
QUINN: Arrgh!
SANDI: What was that?
TIFFANY: That is so wrong…
QUINN: Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it. [Exits.]
[Cut back to Daria’s room. Quinn enters.]
JANE: And that’s how with just three chords, you too can make a melodic racket.
QUINN: What are youtwo doing?
DARIA: Excuse me?
QUINN: We’re trying to hold a serious discussion and all we hear is noise!
JANE: How does thatdiffer from your usual gatherings?
[Quinn’s lookcould kill.]
QUINN: Don’t go there. Just be quiet and do whatever it is you guys do.
DARIA: Fine. I thought the Fashion Club had ended anyway.
QUINN: Gee Daria, this isn’t the Fashion Club!
JANE: Then what is it?
QUINN: A club in which to discuss fashion. The two aren’t alike at all, really [Before finishing her sentence, Quinn exits.]
DARIA: You know Jane—
JANE: What?
DARIA: I wish I hadtried learning this earlier… But you were saying about E minor?
JANE: Even easier than A.
DARIA: And we know how well that went.
JANE: You only use two strings this time 2nd and 3rd from the top, second fret. Try it.
DARIA: [Successfully plays chord.] And that my friend, has made all the difference.
JANE: It’s a start. Now—
[Jake enters.]
JAKE: Hey! Playing guitar are you?
JANE: We sure are.
DARIA: Did Quinn put you up to this?
JAKE: Of course not! Your hip dad Jakey wanted to see what’s going on! [Pause] Get it?
JANE: Yes.
DARIA: Father, father, there’s too many of you prying…
[Jake laughs, loudly.]
JAKE: Ha! And Helensays we can’t joke together! You know, I used to be in a band once. I played the keyboard, the main musical backing… Even wrote a few songs…
DARIA: Uh, Dad, we have to go.
JANE: We just remembered we have to pick up some books at the library.
JAKE: Oh alright… Have fun!
DARIA: We will.
[Cut to Daria and Jane, exiting The Van.]
JANE: You know, your dad’s interruption was quite lucky actually.
DARIA: We did need to register sometime.
[They enter the side of Lawndale Town Hall. Within, a stand has been set up. Several prospective entrants stand near by. Unfortunately, one of them happens to be Kevin.]
KEVIN: Hey Daria, hey Jane, what are you doing here?
DARIA: Receiving instructions for our next mission.
JANE: We could tellyou, but then we’d have to kill you.
KEVIN: You two are weird. I’m entering the ‘Battle of the Bands’.
DARIA: You are?
KEVIN: Yeah. Me and some teammates decided to enter.
JANE: Do you even play an instrument?
KEVIN: Well I used to play the triangle in kindergarten, and I figure guitar or bass won’t be that different.
DARIA: Can’t fault that logic.
KEVIN: I know! But I have to go. [Runs off.]
JANE: We should really get this over with.
DARIA: I don’t feel like any more surprises.
[They head over to said stand.]
OFFICIAL: Hello.
DARIA: Yeah, hi. Uh, we’d like to enter The Battle of the Bands.
OFFICIAL: Certainly. And what is your act known as?
JANE: To be Announced.
OFFICIAL: Fine. Here you go.
DARIA: Thanks.
[We see elsewhere in the hall. Visible in the background is Upchuck, Andrea, Burnout Girl and Shaggy. Instead however, we focus upon the J’s, bickering in their inimitable fashion.]
JAMIE: I’ll sing the most touching love songs ever written!
JOEY: No dude, my voice is way more emotive than yours!
JEFFY: Yeah well, all of my songs will be dedicated to Quinn!
[Brief silence.]
JOEY: Whoa.
JAMIE: You know, why don’t we all sing? It’ll cause less fights.
JOEY/JEFFY: Good idea. (They high-five one another.)
JAMIE: But what will we call our band?
[We now see that Daria and Jane have been overhearing this conversation.]
DARIA: This could take a while.
JOEY: How about ‘Joey and the J’s’?
JAMIE: No, ‘Jamie and the J’s’
JANE: [Interjecting] How about ‘The Bee-J’s’?
JEFFY: I like that!
JOEY: Cool name!
[They head off to sign up. Focus on Jane and Daria.]
JANE: They were taking me seriously?
DARIA: Consider it an act of mercy.
JANE: I do the bestI can.
DARIA: Anyway, havewe loitered long enough? So far our competition consists of Upchuck and Friends, Kevin’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Quinn’s entourage and some kid with a banjo.
JANE: I thought theSpiral would show.
[Just that moment, the doors of the hall swing open, pushed by Jesse and Nick.]
TOM: And introducing Lawndale’s soon-to-be best… Oh who am I kidding, Lawndale’s best band, Mystik Spiral! [They enter.]
TRENT: Hey Daria.
DARIA: Uh, hi.
TRENT: Don’t try to beat us. It’s not worth it.
JANE: Duly noted Trent. Do you plan to play another acoustic set?
[Max recoils, as if possessed by a bad memory]
JESSE: Don’t mention that concert!
JANE: [Dripping sarcasm.] How foolish of me.
TOM: Just ignore them.
TRENT: Yeah, keep your eyes on the prize.
[Tom walks over to the registration counter.]
TOM: Hi. I’d like my band, Mystik Spiral to be entered in the competition.
OFFICIAL: Ok. Sign these papers please.
TOM: [Signing] They’re not just any band you know. They have real potential.
OFFICIAL: Great. [Takes papers.] Good luck.
TOM: Thanks, but we don’t need it! [Chuckles. After glaring atthe band, they join in.]
[Tom glances at Jane and Daria.]
TOM: So you entered after-all?
DARIA: As these registration papers would seem to suggest.
TOM: I don’t know why you bothered.
JANE: Why did you?
TOM: I have plans… Big plans. [Jane raises an eyebrow.] Plans too big to mention right now actually. We have to go.
JESSE: [Too loudly]I thought we were going to bribe some of the other bands?
TOM: Oh, that. Don’t worry. There’s always time for bribery.
[Chuckles. This time, the Spiral’s laughter is more coordinated.]
TOM: You can laugh Daria, but it isn’t going to help.
DARIA: We weren’t laughing!
JANE: How could we with that material?
TRENT: Some people just don’t know comedy.
TOM: Oh, and by theway, where will you be at 9:46 pm Thursday?
DARIA: Anywhere buthere.
TOM: That’s agreat help. But yeah, we have to leave. [Tom and Mystik Spiral collectively exit.]
DARIA: That sounds promising.
JANE: Don’t worry. At least we have our motivation.
DARIA: The money for college?
JANE: That too.
[They exit.]
Part 5:
[Open on Sloane Manor. Tom and Mystik Spiral are gathered.]
TOM: Gentlemen, we need to discuss your upcoming performance.
NICK: So we’re not just here to discuss how to spend our untold millions?
TOM: Sorry.
TRENT: Drag. [Brightens] We can talk about that later, right?
TOM: Sure. Trent, could you show me some of your latest lyrics?
TRENT: Uh, I have ‘Every Dog Has His Day’here.
TOM: Mind singing it?
TRENT: Ok; ‘You put me on a short leash,
And threw away my hydrant,
You ate up all my kibble,
Now my coat’s no longer vibrant,
My nose is dry and chapped--
[Tom coughs very loudly.]
TOM: Ok, that’s enough.
TRENT: You didn’t like it?
TOM: No, the lyrics are fine, but they’re a bit, well, graphic.
JESSE: They’re the best we could do!
TRENT: He’s right. Ittook me a week to write those. [Beat] Do you know how hard it is to find a rhymefor ‘hydrant’?
TOM: Yes, yes I do. I took the liberty of writing some new lyrics. I think you’ll find them much more appropriate… [Trent’s expression is unchanged] much more popular! [Trent abruptly brightens.]
TRENT: Cool. Lay them on us.
TOM: ‘Girl I called you on the telephone,
And waited to hear your loving tone,
Called just to say ‘I love you,
‘I’m glad you love me too’.
NICK: How long is this?
TOM: [Proudly] It goes on for seven verses!
TRENT: So this is going to be our hit?
TOM: Of course. After all, I wrote it. [Mutters] And thus guarantee myself most of the royalties.
JESSE: [Oblivious] Cool.
[Cut to Daria and Jane walking on the street.]
DARIA: So, where do you want to practice?
JANE: Casa Lane. For all we know, your dad is still going on about his musical career.
DARIA: Good point.
[Cut to a non-descript basement, where Sergeant Upchuck’s Lonely Hearts Band (for lack of a better name) has assembled.]
UPCHUCK: Now, we should decide who gets to play what instrument.
ANDREA: That would be a good place to start.
SHAGGY: [Speaks up] I’m more of a background player, so bass would be good.
UPCHUCK: Anyone disagree?
[Silence]
SHAGGY: Cool.
BURNOUT GIRL: Andrea, I heard you play drums?
ANDREA: [Annoyed] Why does everyone think that?
UPCHUCK: Choose whichever you like.
ANDREA: Keyboards.
UPCHUCK: Done. [Beat] I hate to boost my own ego, but I have dabbled my hand in the fine art of the guitar, another string in my bow. [Pause] Get it, string, as in guitar string?
BURNOUT GIRL: Oh! [All laugh. Slightly.]
[Cut to Kevin practising, and failing.]
KEVIN: Aw man! Guitar is hard!
FOOTBALL PLAYER #1: Are you sure you don’t want to play something else?
FOOTBALL PLAYER #2: Like tambourine?
KEVIN: I can totally do this man, I am the QB!
[At the sound of another dud chord, his band groans. Return to Sloane Manor.]
TOM: So Jesse, what would you if you had a million dollars? [Beat.] I mean, when you have a million dollars?
JESSE: Dunno. Spend it?
TRENT: Cool.
MAX: Me too!
TRENT: How about you Tom?
TOM: Hmmm… I could really do with a mobile command centre. The Jag just isn’t doing the job at the moment. The rest I’ll just throw in the vault. Of course, I was asking a trick question.
JESSE: Darn.
TOM: No, I mean because you’ll be earning many millions, so it doesn’t really matter what you do with the first.
JESSE: Cool!
TOM: I invested mine in my bedroom. Come on, I’ll show you.
[The band duly follows Tom.]
NICK: That’s the vault?
TOM: It sure is.
JESSE: Wow, you have a lot of money.
TOM: Yes, very observant. I do have another reason for showing you the money though.
[Elsie, who just happens to be walking past, hears this remark.]
ELSIE: Egotism? Vanity?
TOM: Quiet you.
[Elsie walks on.]
TOM: Look, you guys could easily beat any competition at the ‘Battle of the Bands’ contest, buthow would it be if I made your victory even more probable?
MAX: How?
TOM: Bribery. It’s what my empire is founded upon. That and nepotism. [Beat.] Oh, I’ve been hanging around with Elsie too much. I had Jeeves prepare a list of your fellow bands. What I want you to do is to offer each band a small payment from my vast fortune to, you know, make them reconsider their participation.
TRENT: Not play?
TOM: Precisely. Be intimidating if you have to, but most importantly, be convincing.
TRENT: Yeah, I think we cando that.
TOM: Great. See you… No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. [Beat] Now go boldly forth!
JESSE: Can do.
TOM: Now that’s more like it.
[Mystik Spiral collectively exits. We return to Casa Lane, where Our Heroines are midway through a practice session. Daria’s playing is noticeably sloppier.]
DARIA: I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up.
JANE: You’re doing fine. Just keep switching between D and G.
[They continue playing, Jane adding a simple lead over the top. Finally, the (unnamed) song ends.]
DARIA: Phew.
JANE: I’ve got blisters on my fingers!
DARIA: [Raises an eyebrow] Really?
JANE: No, just setting the mood.
DARIA: How long is this going to take?
JANE: As long as ittakes. You know, every chord you make, every step you take…
DARIA: We’ll be getting better?
JANE: All the time.
DARIA: Good thing we have a low base to start from then.
JANE: Yeah. Otherwise it just wouldn’t work.
[Cut to Mystik Spiral in The Van.]
MAX: So, who shouldwe visit first?
TRENT: The Lions. Football players always want to sell out.
NICK: Not like us at all, right?
TRENT: No way. We’ve earned it.
[The Van drives offinto the distance.]
Part 6
[We see the Lawndale Lions practicing… Their music.]
KEVIN: I once saw this guy on TV…
JEROME: And?
KEVIN: He played guitar. It was cool.
TONY: Kevin, there are thousands of people who have played guitar on TV. Who was it?
KEVIN: Um, why should I know?
TONY: Because you’re telling us about him!
KEVIN: Oh. Right.
JEROME: Look, can we work on our next number?
[A knock is heard at the door.]
KEVIN: I’ll get it!
[Kevin opens the door. Standing before him is Mystik Spiral, looking vaguely professional.]
KEVIN: Who are you?
TRENT: Music inspectors.
NICK: May we come in?
KEVIN: Sure!
TRENT: Thanks.
[Cut to The Lions mangling a song. Whatever it is, it is unrecognizable.]
JESSE: Nice guitar work man.
KEVIN: Thanks. [Pause.]
MAX: Well, we had another reason for coming here.
TRENT: Your band is just so talented, so professionalthat we’d like to give you a ‘bonus payment’.
MAX: Yeah, and maybe if you were to receive this payment you would have other thoughts about entering the contest?
TRENT: Or not perform at all.
KEVIN: What?
JEROME: Dude, they’re trying to bribe us.
TRENT: With money.
KEVIN: Cool!
TONY: What do we get for our ‘payment’?
TRENT: $2,500 in cold hard cash.
JESSE: Well it’s not that hard…
NICK: Guys, focus. We don’t have time to continue this argument.
TRENT: Good point. So will you accept?
KEVIN: Sure.
MAX: Here you go. [Hands over bag marked ‘$$$’.]
TONY: Cool.
TRENT: See? He agrees.
NICK: [Annoyed] Don’t.
TRENT: Ok. [Resumes talking to the Lions.] Well, we have to go and see some more bands.
JESSE: It isn’t easy being a ‘Musical Inspector’. [They exit.]
KEVIN: Wow, we should get back to work.
TONY: Why? We don’t need to.
JEROME: They paid us the prize money anyway.
KEVIN: So we were so good we won without having to play?
JEROME: [Sarcastically.] That’s right.
KEVIN: Cool! I have to phone Brittany.
[Jerome and Tony exit. Cut to Jane and Daria, deep in discussion.]
DARIA: Ok. They want us to play at least one cover.
JANE: Yeah. We should probably go for something obscure.
DARIA: Why?
JANE: In case we screw it up. Nobody will notice.
DARIA: Good point. It would also be a good idea to make sure we can play it acoustically.
JANE: Agreed. Although they will be missing the wild guitar exploits of Jane Lane!
DARIA: Their loss, I suppose.
JANE: Oh well, I just had an idea. Are you familiar with The Smiths?
DARIA: Yes. Yes I am.
JANE: Good. That makes two of us in this town.
DARIA: What song?
JANE: ‘PleasePlease Please Let Me Get What I Want’.
DARIA: May as well be direct.
JANE: I hope the judges get the subtle message.
DARIA: And the audience?
JANE: We can’t expect too much. But we should practice. [Straps on guitar. Daria does likewise.]
[Cut to an unfamiliar living room. The Three J’s are showing off their musical talents to an unresponsive Elsie.]
JEFFY: Quinn, my love continues to grow,
JAMIE: Quinn I loveyou more than you ever know,
JOEY: Quinn I love you more than I’ll ever show.
ELSIE: And talking about her in your lyrics is a sign of being reluctant?
[Awkward silence.]
JAMIE: You ruined our flow!
ELSIE: Sorry. [Sardonic.] Do continue.
[Mercifully, we arespared the rest of the song.]
JAMIE/JOEY/JEFFY: We love you, we really do!
JOEY: What did you think?
ELSIE: That was well, direct. I have only one suggestion; could you possibly have someone paddling a bunch of bananas? That would be neat.
JOEY: What?
ELSIE: Nevermind. Now, as for your payment…(V/O) Wow, these guys don’t even need to be bribed. But I should be polite.
JEFFY: How much?
ELSIE: Uh, how about $1000? That’s enough money for each of you to take Quinn on two dates!
JAMIE: Wow!
ELSIE: Here you go.[Hands over cash.]
JOEY: I’ll make the best use of my money!
JAMIE: I’ll get her the best dinner!
JEFFY: Mine will bebetter.
ELSIE: Bye. [Leaves.]
JOEY: [Not really listening.] Yeah.
[Cut to Elsie walking outside.]
ELSIE: Well if I’m doing Tom’s dirty work, I may as well be making a profit.
[Cut to Sloane Manor, where all are gathered.]
TOM: So how did it go?
TRENT: Well.
ELSIE: [Smiling] Itwas profitable.
TOM: You eliminatedthose threats?
JESSE: Yeah.
TOM: Great. Now allwe have left are Daria, Jane and a couple of bands I have no interest in.
ELSIE: Or you forgot to note.
TOM: That’s one way of looking at it. But we need to focus. [Pause.]Sorry Elsie, but this is just for me and the band.
ELSIE: Is having a voice of reason here too much?
TOM: Yes it is. [Phony] Thank you for your assistance!
[Elsie leaves.]
TOM: And don’t worry. She won’t be able to hear us. I got these walls especially thickened.
JESSE: Cool.
TOM: So, let’s review. Bribery didn’t work. My winning personality didn’t work. [Pause] I just don’t know how that one failed.
TRENT: Right.
TOM: We have to resort to harsher means.
TRENT: Won’t we beat them in the contest anyway?
TOM: Well yes, *but* wouldn’t you rather some more security?
TRENT: Hmm… You’re right.
TOM: I was thinkingwe could have Daria and Jane ‘relocated’ until the contest has finished.
