This was written in response to an Iron Chef by "Captain Marbles" called "If Famous Authors Wrote Daria Fan Fiction"

- M Man





THE ADVENTURE OF THE CHINESE RESTAURANT

By Sir Arthur Conan Doyle


It was a day in late July, I recall, that I had the opportunity to share with Sherlock Holmes the singular events surrounding the affair of the Chinese restaurant.

My medical practice had been busier than usual, and I hadn't seen Holmes for nearly a month. I feared I might find him as busy as I.

"Ah, Watson," he said. "I'm glad for your company. As you can see, I have not been as busy as yourself. Indeed, I have been tempted, against your undoubtably strong advice, to resort once more to a seven per cent solution of cocaine to ease the pain of a stagnating mind."

"Well, thank heavens you haven't," I said firmly, hoping to change the subject. "But, you said I could see that you have not been busy..."

"Watson, have you learned nothing of my methods? Pray, apply them, and deduce what I have already told you."

I looked around the room I had once shared with Holmes. Everything was where it should have been, the pipe-stand, the violin, the row of reference volumes...

"What do I almost always do when I begin a case, Watson? You're looking directly at it."

"Ah, you consult your Gazeteer!"

"And?"

I looked closely at it, then sneezed.

"It's dusty, Holmes!"

"Quite," said he, smiling.

"Mr Holmes!" interrupted Mrs. Hudson. "There are two young ladies to see you. They are..."

She hesitated.

"Yes, Mrs. Hudson?" said Holmes, testily. "Have they sprouted wings?"

"They are rather oddly dressed. Mr. Holmes," said Mrs. Hudson, frowning.

"Show them in, Mrs. Hudson," said he.

"Holmes, if I'm..."

"Please stay, Watson, that is if you can spare the time."

"By all means, Holmes," said I.

The two young women entered. The taller wore some sort of black leotard with short trousers and a red jacket. The other wore a black pleated skirt much too short for her years and a green jacket.

"221B Baker Street, I told you," she whispered to her friend.

"Sherlock Holmes, at your service."

"I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and this is my friend Jane Lane."

"I deduce from your accents that you are American," said Holmes.

"Yes, we are," said the one named Jane. "We're, uh, sort of lost here."

"Lost?" said Holmes. "I'm not sure why you have consulted me. Have you been misinformed that I am a mapseller?"

"No, Mr. Holmes," said Miss Morgendorffer. "We have somehow ended up here in 1895. We're from the year 2001..."

"Ha!" I laughed. "Do you know who this is? Sherlock Holmes cannot be taken in by frauds..."

"Quiet, Watson," said he, rising and walking over to the two women.

He looked carefully at both of them, looking first at their faces, then appeared to closely inspect their odd attire, to what end I didn't know. Surely he couldn't believe their story.

"Look here, Watson," he said, beckoning me.

"Yes, Holmes," said I, certain I was playing along with some sort of prank.

"Feel this fabric," he said, "running a finger down the lapel of Miss Lane's jacket."

It felt strange to the touch.

"This is not a fabric known to me. And look at Miss Morgendorffer's spectacles. They are of not only a manufacture but of a substance surely not of our time, Watson."

I looked him straight in the eye. He was serious. It was clear this was no prank. These two young women had come from the future.

"So," said Holmes, sitting back down, "you wish to return to your own time. May I ask where precisely you are from?"

"Lawndale," said Miss Morgendorffer.

"My Gazeteer, if you please, Watson."

I pulled the volume off the shelf, blew away some dust, and handed it to him.

"Lawndale .. Lawndale... I find no Lawndale in the United States. Perhaps it doesn't exist in 1895. Oh, dear, Watson, I fear my trusty Gazeteer is of no use to me in this case!"

I had no advice to give. I felt quite in shock. These two young women were from the future!

"We were in a restaurant, if that helps," said Miss Lane. "The Good Time Chinese Restaurant."

"In Lawndale?" said Holmes, looking as puzzled as I'd ever seen him.

"Yes," said Miss Morgendorffer.

"There's a Chinese restaurant just 'round the corner from the stationers," I said, endeavoring to be helpful.

"You know," said Miss Lane, "we did still smell Chinese food when we somehow turned up here in London. We were in sort of an alley, though."

"We looked around for a way to turn back but there wasn't any. We saw Baker Street and thought of you," said Miss Morgendorffer.

"Indeed?" said Holmes.

"Your friend's writings are still read in 2001," said she.

I was about to thank her and inquire further but Holmes interrupted.

"There's an alley behind How See's restaurant," said Holmes. "As it's only a few blocks' walk, let us proceed there right now."

"Uh, sure," said Miss Lane, "Daria?"

"Yeah, sounds like a place to start."

Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer drew looks of disapproval from Mrs. Hudson as we proceeded out of the building onto Baker Street. Again there were odd looks directed at out clients, or rather their mode of dress, but the street was not busy at that time of day, and in minutes we were at How See's restaurant.

"May I inquire if How See is available?" said Holmes to a Chinese woman at the entrance. "Tell him Sherlock Holmes wishes to speak to him."

"Ah, Mista Holmes! Yes!" said she in her Chinese accent and scurried off.

How See appeared shortly.

"Yes, Mr. Holmes?" said he. How See spoke nearly unaccented English. "Dinner is not until nearly an hour from now."

"I'm aware of that, How See. I'm here on official business. I couldn't help notice the sign in front of your establishment, the one in Chinese script. Could you translate it for me?"

"How See's Chinese Restaurant," he said, smiling.

"So many characters for so little. Come, How See, perhaps there is a more literal translation?"

"It says 'Good Time Chinese Restaurant'" he said, staring at the ground.

"Not How See at all?" said Holmes.

"'How See' is Cantonese for 'Good Time'. Not real name," he said.

"Your secret is safe with me," said Holmes. "Now, have there been any usual occurences in your restaurant of late? Perhaps, people appearing and disappearing with no apparent cause?"

How See turned pale and opened his mouth as if to speak several times before doing so.

"Mr. Holmes! How could you know...?"

"It is my business to know what others do not," said Holmes, smiling. "Now, there will be no trouble if you tell me the truth. I merely wish to aid these two unfortunate Americans in returning home. Tell us, please, what has been occurring."

"The Holidays!" said How See, nearly screaming.

"I beg your pardon..." said Holmes. "You said, 'Holidays'?"

"Christmas! St. Patrick Day! Guy Fawkes!"

"Guy Fawkes?" I said, horrified.

"Bastille Day! American Fourth of July!"

"How See," said Holmes, "I'm not sure I understand. What things have happened on holidays?"

"The Holidays themselves have appeared! People dressed as famous Holidays!"

The man was nearly frantic.

"Like a leprechaum for St Patrick's Day," interjected Miss Morgendorffer.

"You've see them too?" inquired Holmes of his clients.

"Yeah, we have," said Miss Lane. "And I think they come from the Good Time Chinese Restaurant. The one in Lawndale."

"How See, show us precisely where these Holidays appear!" demanded Holmes.

How See led us through the kitchen.

"Here!" he said. "Back of kitchen! Door leads to alley! Holidays suddenly appear!"

"Under what conditions do they appear, How See?" inquired Holmes calmly.

"They appear at mealtimes!" said How See, still upset. "Interrupt preparation of meals!"

"Calm yourself, please," said Holmes. "Now, Miss Lane? Miss Morgendorffer? I propose we wait until mealtime and see what occurs. Perhaps if one of these Holidays appears, he or she can show us how to get back to Lawndale and the twenty-first century."

"Mr Holmes," said Miss Morgendorffer. "I know we're supposed to pay you, but I don't know if our money will be of any use to you."

She handed Holmes a $20 note.

"Andrew Jackson," said Holmes. "Surely a more worthy president has appeared by the year 2001?"

"Not really," said Miss Morgendorffer.

"I was going to inquire about the future," said Holmes. "But I'm afraid it would depress me to discover what happens."

He stared at the portrait of Andrew Jackson.

"Lots of cool stuff happens," said Miss Lane.

"Cool?" said Holmes, not understanding.

"Slang from our time," said Miss Morgendorffer.

"Ah, yes. Presumably it signifies something positive, judging from your tone of voice," said Holmes.

"Mister Holmes! Mister Holmes!"

It was How See, screaming and waving his arms mightily.

"Yes, How See?"

"Chinese New Year has appeared! He's going to set off skyrocket!"

Holmes followed How See into the alley. I quickly followed along with Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer.

"See here," said Holmes to the man in traditional Chinese garb lighting the fuse of a skyrocket, "you can't be setting that off in the streets of the city."

The man replied in Chinese.

"How See, please inform him he can't do that," said Holmes.

How See spoke in rapid Chinese to the man. Finally he put down the match, wet his fingers, and stopped the fuse.

"How See," said Holmes, "ask him how he got here and how he returns to Lawndale."

"Lawndale?" asked How See.

"Just use the English word. I have a feeling he'll understand," said Holmes.

How See addressed the man again. I heard the word "Lawndale" amongst the Chinese.

"He say he walks through door to restaurant, but it has to be when Big Ben is striking," said How See.

"Ah," said Holmes, consulting his pocket-watch. "we have only a few minutes. Miss Lane, Miss Morgendorffer, stand by the doorway. When you hear Big Ben... you know what that is?"

"Still around in 2001," said Miss Morgendorffer, smiling. "And very famous."

"Ah, the future can't be that bad then," said Holmes, "as I was saying, stand directly by the doorway and walk through it when Big Ben chimes."

"Thank you, Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson," said Miss Morgendorffer. "I'm glad we met."

"And I," I replied. "I'm glad my works have been of service to you."

"Let's hope this works," said Holmes, "or our goodbyes may be premature. How See, will you please take Chinese New Year somewhere else. I don't want him setting off any skyrockets while my clients are trying to go home. And not through the doorway, if you please."

How See spoke in Chinese to the man dressed as a Holiday and they both walked away down the alley, arguing in Chinese.

Big Ben started to peal.

"Hold hands and walk together," said Holmes. "Waste no time, do it now..."

The two young women had hardly reached the doorway when there was a shimmer of light and they were gone.

Holmes stood watching for several minutes, silently. Finally he spoke.

"As much as you may wish to write this story, Watson, I'm afraid this one cannot appear..."

"But Holmes!" said I.

"I was about to say, this one cannot appear in our time. I suggest you write your account of what has happened today and seal it with strict orders that it not be opened until the twenty-first century has arrived."

"I quite understand," said I.

"Now, Watson, to the booksellers'!"

"The booksellers'?"

"Yes, to inquire if he has a biography of Andrew Jackson. Quite the rustic, if I am not mistaken..."