Disclaimer: Not my characters.

 

Summary: Quinn starts her own club, Helen tries to save the day, Trent gets a job, and Upchuck attempts to join the human race. Character development, much? {comedy} [PGish]

 

Notes: Set in late season 3 (though it could take place in seasons 4 or 5, if you imagine Jane or Daria saying that Tom's out of town). My take on so-called 'character development.'

 

“Sex, Please?!”
by Lupinsmoon12391
(lupins_moon12391@yahoo.com)

 

ACT I

SCENE 1: Daria's room. Daria's laying on her bed, reading a book, Franny and Zooey. Her phone rings, and she doesn't exactly jump at the chance to answer it.

 

QUINN (os): Daria! It's your weird, art-y friend!

 

DARIA: (mutters) Thanks for being specific. (picks up room's phone) Hello?

JANE (os): Well, your weird and artsy friend was wondering if you had anything planned. (Cut to Jane. Her wall shakes, and she makes a face.) You know, maybe we could go to the movies or something?

 

Cut back to DARIA: Well, let me check my schedule. (doesn't move, but puts phone to her shoulder. after a sec---) Sorry, I forgot. Today's the day I try to achieve world peace. And I'm due to get my hair done at four.

 

JANE: Follicle emergency. Tough break.

 

DARIA: Just what happened to your plans to discover your inner artist? Yesterday you said that we needed to spend some time apart.

 

Cut back to JANE: And now I realize how much I need you, baby. (bt) Actually, my parents are both in town at the same time, and they're bothering me. (wall shakes again, and Jane frowns) Today will not be the day that Jane Lane creates a masterpiece.

 

Cut back to DARIA: What are your parents doing? 

 

Split-screen with JANE: I don't know, but I did see my father going in their room with a baseball bat.

 

DARIA: Is he bludgeoning her to death?

 

JANE: Hmmm...That is one of the possibilities, but, whatever it is they're doing, my mom seems to really like it.

 

DARIA: (enlightened) Ohhh. That certainly doesn't sound like how my parents do it. (pauses. makes a disgusted face, realizing what she just said) Ew.

 

JANE: Hey, it's only 11, and I've already met the quota for making you suffer for the day!

 

DARIA: Great. In that case, you don't need to subject me to your company.

 

JANE: I do that because I want to, Morgendorffer. (bt) But seriously, I have to get out of here. When everyone else is around, it's not so noticeable, but when it's just me and the narcoleptic, it's unbearable.

 

DARIA: How is he handling this?

 

JANE: Always about him with you, isn't it? (bt) When he wakes up, the noise they're making will keep him awake, and he'll probably go nap at Jesse's or something. Or at least make it downstairs to the couch. I'd like to leave before he gets up though, so he doesn't invite himself with me.

 

DARIA: Why?

 

JANE: You're that desperate to spend time with him, huh? (bt) I happen to be a bit frustrated with my brother.

 

DARIA: Elaborate details have always been your strong suit, Lane.

 

JANE: (harshly) I had fight with him, okay?

 

DARIA: Okay.

 

JANE: Sorry. He's just such a jerk.

 

DARIA: Wow. I didn't know that you and Trent had fights.

 

JANE: (irritated) I didn't either.

 

DARIA: (decides not to push it) Yeah, come over and we'll go to the movies. Mom, Dad, and Quinn are home today, so staying here is absolutely out of the question unless you're masochistic.

 

JANE: Daria, it aches me that you don't know that about me. (bt) Thanks!

 

Daria seems pleased that Jane's back to herself and smirks, opening her mouth to respond before---

 

Enters QUINN: Daria, I ne-ed to use the phone.

 

DARIA: (covers mouthpiece) Admitting is the first step. (resumes conversation) I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up the phone, gestures to Quinn) Knock yourself out. (notices Quinn paused in the doorway) What?

 

QUINN: Don't you wanna know why I'm hanging around the house today?

 

DARIA: Not particularly.

 

QUINN: Because really, Daria. It's none of your business.

 

DARIA: (reading her book again) I never said it was.

 

QUINN: That curiosity is gonna get you. You know? Like that cat that got electrocuted.

 

DARIA: (raises an eyebrow) I'll concede that that piqued my curiosity, but I've no desire to hear about Tiffany's cuticle crisis or whatever it is you're dying to tell me. (bt) Wait a minute. You wanna talk to me, don't you?

 

QUINN: Well, god, Daria, if you're gonna badger me! (crosses room and sits on edge of Daria's bed. Daria sits up quickly like Quinn's infected. Quinn bounces up and down) Your bed's kind of lumpy.

 

DARIA: (under her breath) Not enough. (normal, harsh tone she uses on Quinn) What do you want, Quinn?

 

QUINN: Is that any way to treat a guest?

 

DARIA: No. It's good thing there's not one of those here.

 

QUINN: I'll cut to the chase, Daria.

 

DARIA: Because you've been doing such a fair job already?

 

QUINN: Sandi and I had a fight.

 

DARIA: Stop it; I'm already bored.

 

QUINN: (breaks into a patented Quinn rant) Well, see, Sandi and I were having one of our stupid little arguments---

 

DARIA: Did you just use the word stupid in regards to yourself?

 

QUINN: (cont.) and I said that coral nail polish was the new plum, but Sandi said, (Sandi imitation) 'Now, Quinn, that is where you are so wrong,' and I said, 'Whaddya mean, Sandi? Coral is in,' and then she said, 'Quinn, I'm sorry. I believe that you are right, but you're just using the wrong term. It is not coral that's in, it's off-pink,' and I said 'Isn't that just nitpicking, Sandi?' and then she said, 'What's that supposed to mean?' and I said, 'Probably what it sounds like,' and then she frowned and said, 'Well, Quinn, with your newfound audacity or whatever---'

 

DARIA: 'Audacity'? Okay, now I know you're making this up.

 

QUINN: (still cont.) 'Maybe you should be president of the Fashion Club,' and I said, 'Well, maybe I should!'

 

DARIA: (raised eyebrows) You didn't.

 

QUINN: (head in hands) And then I left! Ugh! I'm club-less! (sits up) What should I do?

 

DARIA: What should you do? I'm not exactly the least bias party you could be consulting. I'd give my right arm to see your little club destroyed.

 

QUINN: (skeptical) You'd give your right arm? You? Care about something that much?

 

DARIA: (smirks) Okay. Jane's right arm.

 

QUINN: Seriously, Daria, what should I do?! I need some advice.

 

DARIA: Usually-- and I know this may be a stretch for your little conformist brain, but hear me out-- usually, I listen to myself, and then do whatever the hell I want, not rely on someone else's opinion.

 

QUINN: (mulling it over) Do what I want to do... Hmmm... It's a cute idea and all, Daria, but I'm just not sure it's me.

 

DARIA: Who'd have thought thinking for yourself was unfashionable?

 

QUINN: Well, duh, Daria! Thinking is always unfashionable!

 

DARIA: (particularly deadpan) Silly me.

 

QUINN: What do you think I should do?

 

DARIA: Jump off a bridge?

 

QUINN: (w/ a hint of warning; Helenesque) Daria...

 

DARIA: (sighs) Okay, fine. Do you want to go back to the Fashion Club?

 

QUINN: Well...yeah! But I just want Sandi to respect me a little more! (bt) But, you know, actually, starting my own club might be fun! Wow, Daria, what a great idea! I could start my own club and make Sandi jealous!

 

DARIA: That was my idea?

 

QUINN: (lost in her daydream) Wow! And people would be practically knocking down my door to come and be in my club, and Sandi would be green with envy! People would be carrying me down the hallway at school, chanting my name, and Sandi'd be all like, 'What does everyone see in her, anyway?' and Tiffany would say, and she'd be the only one there because of course Stacy's gonna come with me---

 

DARIA: Don't overestimate Stacy's self-will, Quinn; you might hurt yourself.

 

QUINN: Tiffany'd say, (Tiffany impersonation) 'Maaaybe it's the coral naaail polish,' and then Sandi would hit her upside the head. (pauses. tilts head, looks cute) Wow! That'd be great!

 

DARIA: Boy, do your fantasies display a hidden depth.

 

QUINN: (jumping up) I'm so glad we had this talk, Daria! You really are great with advice!

 

DARIA: So you are going to jump off that bridge?

 

QUINN: (ignoring her sister) I have to go make up some flyers and stuff...Oh, this is gonna be so great! I better call Stacy! (runs out of the room and scene. Daria frowns)

 

DARIA: What have I done? (bt. shrugs) Eh.

 

 

SCENE 2: EXT. of Lane house. Go to just outside Trent's room. The house shakes, and Amanda can be heard giggling. Trent exits his room, apparently just woken up, rubbing his eyes.

 

TRENT: Janey? (bt) Are you playing the guitar? (house shakes again. Trent looks confused) Jesse?  (Trent looks down towards his parents' room and raises his eyebrows.) Woah. Mom and Dad are back. Hey, Janey, did you know that Mom and Dad are back? We better get out of here, you know how they are... (opens the door to her room) Oh. She's already left. (frowns) She could've at least invited me. (sighs) Guess I'm off to Jess's.

 

EXT. of a nice house. Trent's car's parked out front. See Trent walking up the sidewalk to the front door. Close-up on him and an “elderly” lady at the door.

 

LADY: Sorry, Trent. Jesse's not in.

 

TRENT: Oh. Well, do you know where he is?

 

LADY: (shrugs) I figure he'll show up in a couple of days.

 

TRENT: Hmmm... Why do I feel like I should know where he is?

 

Cut to Trent at another door, talking to another lady: younger, punky, holding a toddler, who's sucking on one of her large, dangly earrings.

 

LADY 2: Sorry, Trent; Nick's at work.

 

TRENT: Damn.

 

LADY 2: Do you...wanna come in?

 

TRENT: (cautiously) That depends. Do you need a babysitter?

 

LADY 2: (brightens) Actually...

 

TRENT: (hastily; looks at non-existent watch on his wrist) Woah! Look at the time! I, uh, gotta go!

 

Cut to Trent at yet another door, talking to a heavy-set guy with several facial piercings.

 

MAN: Trent, you're just on time!

 

TRENT: What for, Blake?

 

BLAKE: (pulls himself closer to Trent, and wobbles just a little bit, steadying himself by grabbing Trent's shoulders. He's bigger than Trent, and Trent looks like he's about to buckle under the pressure) Max and me got so wasted last night, er…this morning.

 

TRENT: (strained; this guy's heavy) Really?

 

BLAKE: Yeah...and he's puking his brains out. (thoughtful) Dunno why, he had the same number of drinks as me. Anyway, you're just in time...to hold his hair. Ha ha! Get it?! Hold his hair! (stands up, leans against the door frame. Trent wipes his face; apparently he got the weather along with the news)

 

TRENT: (dryly) Yeah, Blake. I get it.

 

Cut to Trent in his car, paused outside the gate of an apartment complex, Lawndale Oaks, before shaking his head and driving past it.

 

TRENT: (to himself) It's an off-week.

 

Cut to Trent walking up to Daria's front door. He knocks, and Helen answers. She's wearing Jake's 'Kiss the Cook' apron, and is stirring a bowl she's holding with a wooden spoon.

 

TRENT: (surprised at Helen's domestic look) Woah, Mrs. M.

 

HELEN: (her sappy voice) Why, hello, Trent.

 

TRENT: Hey. Are Daria and Janey here, by any chance?

 

HELEN: Sorry, Trent. They just left.

 

TRENT: Oh. Well, thanks, anyway.

 

HELEN: (sensing the need to be polite; motions behind her with the spoon) Well, would you like to come in? I've made cookies.

 

TRENT: Um...Thanks, Mrs. M, but I really can't.

 

JAKE (os): Honey, who are you talking to? (appears at the doorway, holding a martini) Oh, hey, there, Trent, my man. How's it hanging, Daddy-O?

 

TRENT: Um, it's certainly....hanging, Mr. M.

 

HELEN: What's going on with you and Jane, Trent?

 

TRENT: (shrugs) Nothing. Our folks are in town, so we both wanted to get out of the house.

 

HELEN: Your parents? Both of them?

 

TRENT: Yeah. They're in town. Anyway, I, uh, guess I'll be going. (starts walking off)

 

HELEN: 'Bye, Trent.

 

JAKE: See you later, man!

 

Helen shuts the door. Follow her inside the Morgendorffer house, still stirring her bowl. Jake sits on the couch and begins flipping through the channels.

 

HELEN: (sitting down her bowl) Jake, maybe we should go meet the Lanes. You know, I've only seen Amanda in passing, and, considering how close Daria is to Jane and Trent, we really should know more about where they come from.

 

JAKE: Sure, honey, I'd love some!

 

HELEN: (ignoring her husband, still thoughtful. nods and takes off her apron) We will.

 

JAKE: What? (turns to wife, sees her putting in her earrings and patting down her hair, and frowns) No, no, no!

 

HELEN: What, Jake?

 

JAKE: Helen, you're off today!

 

HELEN: (not exactly happy) I know that. It's mandatory vacation time.

 

JAKE: Well, then why are you getting all spiffed up?

 

HELEN: We're going to meet the Lanes! Trent said they're home, who knows when they both will be again?!

 

JAKE: No! I won't let you. (shakes his head) You said you were going to be the perfect housewife today. Things were going great. You made breakfast. You made cookies.  (looks at his glass wistfully) You made me this martini. Damn it, Helen! You said you weren't going to be all (makes that Jake face and speaks in his disdainful voice) 'lawyer-y' today.

 

HELEN: (putting papers in her briefcase) And I'm not, Jake. I'm just going to have a talk with the Lanes. Friendly. Chat. (puts a big stack of papers in her briefcase and tries futilely to shut it; shrugs, puts on her jacket)

 

JAKE: But you're supposed to be making me food! I'm your husband!

 

HELEN: God, Jake! I'm just going to shake them up a little! Bring up Child Neglect in my scary voice! It's the least that I could do for Jane and Trent, the poor kids. (turning away, harshly) Where the hell is my cell phone?! Oh! (finds it, pleased. puts it in her pocket.)

 

JAKE: No, Jake! I'm not going to be your loving wife today, like I promised! I'm just gonna go talk to some other grown-ups and leave you here all alone!

 

HELEN: Jake, you're coming, too.

 

JAKE: (pleased) Really?

 

HELEN: If you promise not to make an ass out of yourself.

 

JAKE: (scoffs) Like I ever do that. (calm voice) I'm cool, babe. (starts to put his martini to his mouth, but Helen grabs it and downs it in one gulp, giving the empty glass back to him)

 

HELEN: Ready to go? (heads to door)

 

JAKE: (to the empty glass; whimpering) My martini.

 

 

SCENE 3: EXT. of Cranberry Commons. Cut inside to Quinn standing on a brick wall near a fountain, waving papers. Stacy’s standing nearby, looking slightly nervous, and, well, Stacy-y. People walk around them, not paying attention.

 

QUINN: …And that’s why you should join Lawndale’s own Fashion Coalition! (sees that she’s still being ignored; reads from paper nervously) Be a part of Lawndale’s trendy elite! (looks up, back to crowd) Come on! Don’t you want to be trendy?! (sighs, and goes to step off the wall; Stacy comes to her aid.) Damn it, Stacy, I don’t think this is working.

 

STACY: You’re doing a great job of selling the new club, though, Quinn.

 

QUINN: (rolls her eyes) Well, duh, Stacy. (bt) But I think the name could use some work. ‘Coalition’ just doesn’t sound cute. Try to think of a new one, okay?

 

Stacy pulls out a tiny flip-notebook and makes a note.

 

STACY: Okay. (bt; with nervous hesitation like only Stacy could give) Um…Quinn?

 

QUINN: (irritated; looking at the constantly moving crowd, like are privy to malls) What?

 

STACY: What’s wrong with the Fashion Club?

 

QUINN: (looks at Stacy) Whaddya mean?

 

STACY: (still nervous) Like, why are we making a new club?

 

QUINN: Because I’m tired of Sandi’s tyranny, that’s why, Stacy. (with conviction) Don’t you dream of something bigger and better?

 

STACY: (confused) Bigger and better?

 

QUINN: (sighs) Sandi’s wanted us out of the Fashion Club since day one.

 

STACY: (big eyes) Really?

 

QUINN: (puts an arm over her eyes; goes on dramatically) It’s us against them, Stacy; it’s Us. Against. Them!

 

STACY: No!

 

QUINN: Yes. (moves arm away, looks at the ground) I always knew this day would come, but I never dreamed it would be so soon.

 

STACY: (sits on the wall) We’re out of the Fashion Club? (starts wheezing) I didn’t even know that!

 

QUINN: (sits next to Stacy; solemn) It’s true. (looks up; darkly) I bet Sandi and Tiffany are plotting to take us down at this very moment.

 

Cut to Sandi’s house. Sandi and Tiffany are sitting on the couch in her living room, watching TV. Sandi extends a bowl to Tiffany.

 

SANDI: Tiffany, would you like some no-fat-no-butter-no-salt-popcorn?

 

TIFFANY: Suuure. I haven’t had lunch yeeeeet.

 

Tiffany takes a piece on chews on it. The camera stays on Tiffany and Sandi for a long moment before cutting back to a close-up of Quinn.

 

QUINN: Oh, yeah. They’re plotting.

 

Pull back out to show Quinn & STACY: (optimistically) Well, at least we’ve given away a couple of flyers for our new Fashion Coalition!

 

QUINN: (incredulous) Stacy, those were to a mother whose kid spilled his ice cream.

 

STACY: (clueless) And we won’t let mothers of spillers in?

 

QUINN: (not pushing it) Ummm…Why don’t we go get some lunch? I’m hungry.

 

STACY: (over-eager) Me, too!

 

Both girls slide off the wall. Quinn looks around expectantly and clears her throat.

 

QUINN: Hello! I said I’m hungry! (bt) I could use a ride! Hello! (claps her hands. waits a bt) Ugh! The one time they’re not here! (turns to Stacy) Your mom drove us here; can she come pick us up? I can’t eat in the food court. Not while Jaron’s working. Or while David’s working, though I guess I could stand to see David, but not with Jaron right there, too. Oooh, and I think Adam’s at the Chinese place in there, now; I don’t know, I haven’t called him since---

 

STACY: My mom’s at work by now, Quinn. (bt) We could walk to the Pizza King, I guess.

 

QUINN: Eeew, Stacy! I am not walking anywhere. Grrr-oss! (bt) There’s gotta be a guy I know in here somewhere. (looks around for a second; sighs) Nope. There’s no one but him.

 

Quinn points down the way, to where we see Trent, standing in front of a guitar store, admiring some of the items on display.

 

STACY: Who’s that?

 

QUINN: (sighs) One of my cousin’s weird friends.

 

STACY: (quietly) He looks kind of scary.

 

QUINN: (scoffs) He’s not scary, just dirty. Ew.

 

STACY: Does he have a car?

 

QUINN: (brightens) Hey, he does! I’ll bet he’ll give us a ride!

 

STACY: (really intimidated by Trent) You know, actually, if we wait around, I’m sure a guy you know will come up, or--- or, um, maybe you could just talk to a guy you don’t know and ask him for a ride!

 

QUINN: I kind of told my mom I’d stop doing that. Come on! (starts to walk towards Trent) Hey! (waves at him)

 

TRENT: (looks away from the store window; really, really confused. looks back and forth from Quinn and Stacy as they get to him) Um, hey.

 

QUINN: (sweetly) What’re you up to?

 

TRENT: (still confused; shrugs) Looking for some place to nap.

 

STACY: (speaks) The guitar store? (cringes)

 

TRENT: (shakes his head) Nah. They don’t let you sleep in there.

 

QUINN: (going on) Trent, could you give us a ride?

 

TRENT: Um…Where to?

 

QUINN: Just the Pizza King.

 

TRENT: (shrugs) I guess that’s doable.

 

QUINN: Great! (bt; turns to Stacy) This is Stacy.

 

TRENT: Hey.

 

STACY: (still petrified) He-Hey.

 

QUINN: This is Trent, one of Daria’s friends.

 

TRENT: (to Quinn) And you’re Daria’s sister, right?

 

QUINN: (flustered) Umm…No. (giggles nervously) I’m her cousin, remember? (looks at Stacy, who’s looking away, playing innocent)

 

TRENT: (looking on the floor, scratching his head) That’s weird. I could’ve sworn you were her sister.

 

QUINN: (giggles again) Isn’t that funny? (turns serious) Well, I’m not.

 

Cut to Trent’s car. Trent and Quinn are in front, so Stacy’s in back.

 

QUINN: …And then she said, ‘No, Quinn. I believe you’re right; you are just using the wrong term. It’s not coral, it’s off-pink.’

 

TRENT: I played with this coral guitar pick for a couple of weeks. The sound was good, but it wasn’t awesome.

 

QUINN: And then I told her that she was just being nitpicky, didn’t I, Stacy?

 

STACY: Uh…yeah.

 

TRENT: Some people don’t understand the importance of finding a good guitar pick, but it’s, like, in control of your whole sound.

 

QUINN: So Stacy and I are rebelling---

 

STACY: We are?

 

QUINN: And starting our new club.

 

TRENT: You just can’t beat the feeling of knowing you’ve got a good pick, I mean. It helps you rock, for sure.

 

Trent pulls up to the Pizza King and stops. Quinn and Stacy get out.

 

QUINN: Thanks for the ride!

 

As Quinn and Stacy go inside, Trent steps out of the car and looks at the restaurant.

 

TRENT: (to himself) Maybe Janey and Daria are here. (goes to the entrance and notices a ‘Help Wanted’ sign) Woah. Job? Hmmm… (rubs his chin, and opens the door with his other hand)

 

 

 

‘Commercial’ Break
Fade out with scene of Quinn bouncing on Daria’s bed

 

 

 

ACT II

SCENE 4: Jane outside the movie theater. Daria approaches with some popcorn and a drink.

 

JANE: Hey, you won’t believe this, but I think I just saw Trent drive by.

 

DARIA: You’re right. I don’t believe it. The sun’s still up.

 

JANE: (with a quirked eyebrow) Aaand, as if that’s not enough of a stretch for the imagination, I think Quinn and one of her fellow fashion fiends were in there with him.

 

Daria looks at Jane and then down at the snacks in her hands before returning to Jane.

 

DARIA: I don’t think you need any soda.

 

Cut to Trent entering the Pizza King. Go to Quinn sitting at a table with Stacy and the three J’s.

 

QUINN: …And then you guys weren’t there to pick me up!

 

JOEY: It was Jamie, Quinn. He invited us to his house.

 

JEFFY: Yeah, Jamie. We could’ve waited to see your new big screen. Quinn needed us, damn it!

 

JAMIE: (sighs) I’m getting sick of this.

 

QUINN: Do you want to leave?

 

JAMIE: (desperate) No, please don’t make me go!

 

Trent walks to the counter.

 

TRENT: (to himself) What the hell. (stands at the counter anxiously; ignored for a few moments before a familiar redhead in full managerial gear approaches)

 

UPCHUCK: And yes, sir, just how may I help you?

 

TRENT: Um, I saw a ‘Help Wanted’ sign.

 

UPCHUCK: Ah, I see! You are inquiring about the employment at this fiiine establishment!

 

TRENT: Um…Sure.

 

UPCHUCK: (pulls out a clipboard) All right then. Let's start the interview perrocessss! (looks at board) History of past employment?

 

TRENT: Um...I worked at Cluster Burger for a little bit during my senior year.

 

UPCHUCK: (writes that down; nodding) Okay...Reason for leaving?

 

TRENT: My boss was kind of partial to his hair.

 

UPCHUCK: Come again?

 

TRENT: He got kind of pissed about that grease fire me and Jess started. (quick to amend) It was an accident, though.

 

UPCHUCK: Ah...I seeeeee. And that was your only other job?

 

TRENT: Ummm.... I think I had a paper route when I was kid.

 

UPCHUCK: You think you had a paper route?

 

TRENT: (a little embarrassed) Umm... Well, I kind of kept oversleeping and I just stopped going. I assume I was replaced. (tries to joke) It would suck if they were still waiting for me. I'm ten years late. (he laughs, but sees that Upchuck's not laughing, and covers it up with a cough)

 

UPCHUCK: I'm sorry, sir, but I don't think your services are required at this very moment. We'll give you a call.

 

TRENT: (frowning) You don't have my number.

 

UPCHUCK: (sleazy smile) We'll give you a call.

 

Trent opens his mouth to reply, but stops when an attractive woman brushes up against him.

 

WOMAN: (flirtily) Excuse me. Could you hand me a couple of napkins?

 

TRENT: (oblivious) Oh, uh, sure. (reaches over to the side of the counter and grabs some napkins out of a dispenser. He gives them to the woman. Upchuck watches the exchange with wide eyes.) Here you go.

 

WOMAN: Thanks. 

 

She walks off. Trent returns to Upchuck.

 

TRENT: Now, look---

 

UPCHUCK: You've got the job.

 

TRENT: Really? (smiles; pleased) Cool.

 

 

SCENE 5: EXT. of the Lane house. Helen and Jake are walking up to the door. Helen knocks and waits a moment before knocking again. Vincent Lane appears in the doorway, standing in all his glory. A fortunate camera angle hides his lower half behind a bush.

 

VINCENT: Yes?

 

HELEN: (let’s just say she’s not looking at his face; flustered) Umm…I’m Helen Morgenpenis---dorffer! Morgendorffer! I’m--- Daria’s mother!

 

VINCENT: Daria?

 

AMANDA (os): Vincent, who’s there?

 

Vincent turns to the voice. Jake turns to Helen.

 

JAKE: He’s naked, right?

 

HELEN: (rubbing her head) Oh, Jake.

 

AMANDA: (appears on screen, wearing a robe) Helen! (embraces her quickly) You’ve met Vincent?

 

HELEN: Er…Yes. This is Jake.

 

AMANDA: (shaking Jake’s hand) Hello! (to Vincent) These are the Morgendorffers. Their daughter Daria is a friend of Jane’s.

 

VINCENT: Janey has a friend? Well, that’s wonderful!

 

JAKE: (perking up) Hey! That’s what I said when I found out Daria had a friend!

 

VINCENT: My, aren’t you a handsome man! (shaking Jake’s hand) Name’s Vincent.

 

JAKE: Jake.

 

VINCENT: (motioning behind him and gesturing to Helen and Jake) Would you like to come in?

 

JAKE: Are you going to put on some pants?

 

HELEN: JAKE!

 

VINCENT: (chuckling) If it would make you comfortable. (He winks and then disappears into the house, Amanda following.)

 

HELEN: Did he just…wink at you?

 

JAKE: (smiling) If pants are in attendance, I’m going to the party!

 

Cut to the Pizza King. Upchuck is standing next to an apron-clad Trent, who’s standing behind some dough on the counter. There are a couple of other employees milling in the background of the place, near the ovens.

 

UPCHUCK: Okay, you’re going to knead this dough until a luscious lady comes to the counter, and then you’re going go to take her order. Got it?

 

TRENT: Uh, yeah.

 

Joey appears just then, throwing a couple of flyers at Upchuck and Trent.

 

JOEY: There! I got them!

 

JEFFY: Great! Let’s go give out some more! We’re not going to let Quinn down again, are we, Jamie?!

 

Jamie mutters something unintelligible as the boys run out of the restaurant. Upchuck looks down at the flyer in his hands and raises his eyebrows.

 

UPCHUCK: It seems as if the lovely Quinn Morgendorffer is pulling herself out from underneath the iron fist of one Miss Sandi Griffin. How…feisty. (to Trent) What do you make of this?

 

TRENT: (surveying his flyer with furrowed brows) What the hell does a Fashion Coalition do?

 

UPCHUCK: Obviously, it’s a club to celebrate what teenage girls normally do: Talk about boys and make-up, and then pillow-fight in their underwear, rowwwrrr!

 

TRENT: And you really think that’s what girls do?

 

UPCHUCK: (uncomfortable) Umm…Why don’t you just start kneading?

 

TRENT: (shrugs) Okay.

 

UPCHUCK: Uh, rut tut tut! You’re not going to knead with all those rrrings on, are you? It would be most unfortunate if you ruined a pie by losing a piece of metallic jewelry in its doughy depths, no?

 

TRENT: That depends. (smirks) Would I get to keep the ‘ruined’ pizza?

 

UPCHUCK: (warning) If you’re going to make jokes….

 

TRENT: I’m not! But, I mean, I’m just doing this for fun, though. No need to be all (speaks the word like it’s poison) serious.

 

Upchuck sighs as Trent takes his rings off and sets them in a pile on the side of the counter.

 

UPCHUCK: You've washed your hands, right?

 

TRENT: Umm...Sure.

 

UPCHUCK: Today?

 

Trent starts to respond, but Upchuck shushes him.

 

UPCHUCK: Oooooh! Speaking of luscious ladies, here are a couple now! Give them what they need. (muttering to himself) I know I’d like to.

 

Trent turns to see Sandi and Tiffany approaching the counter. Upchuck gets poised with his clipboard, like he’s preparing to take notes.

 

TRENT: Yeah?

 

SANDI: Yeah, uh, like, could we get a medium pizza with no cheese, fat-free dough, and like, a sugarless sauce?

 

TRENT: (shocked) What?

 

SANDI: Are you, like, slow or something?

 

TIFFANY: Yeaaaah. Slooow or something?

 

TRENT: (defensive) I understood what you were saying. I just…I thought pizzas had cheese.

 

Sandi turns to Tiffany and shakes her head before returning to Trent.

 

SANDI: Okay. I’ll talk slowly, so you’ll, like, understand. Most of the time, pizzas have cheese or whatever, but I’m asking for mine without cheese. That’s why it’s called cheeseless.

 

TIFFANY: Yeaaaaahhhh. Cheeeeselessss.

 

TRENT: (getting frustrated) I understand what you’re saying, I just don’t get it---

 

UPCHUCK: I apologize to you feisty ladies for my employee’s (glares at Trent) insubordination. We’ll get your pizza to you ASAP. And it’ll be on the house. (moves his head over the counter, close to Sandi’s) You’re welcome, babe.

 

Sandi slaps Upchuck before turning on her heel.

 

SANDI: We’ll be back in a few minutes for our (she too glares at Trent) free pizza.

 

Sandi and Tiffany go away, and Upchuck, holding his face, turns to Trent, angry.

 

UPCHUCK: I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking, hiring you. Of course you’re not going to teach me about women!

 

TRENT: What? (bt; lightbulb) That’s why you hired me?!

 

UPCHUCK: Well, duh! 

 

TRENT: And that’s why you only wanted me to talk to the female customers!

 

UPCHUCK: Did you honestly think I’d hired you based on your merits? You have no experience, you’re not even really awake---

 

TRENT: (yawning) What?

 

UPCHUCK: And you’re totally undependable.

 

TRENT: Hey! I’m dependable, and when it counts!

 

Cut to somewhere in Lawndale; show Jesse sitting on a bench. He’s patting his hands on his knees nervously, apparently awaiting a ride.

 

Cut back to the Pizza King.

 

UPCHUCK: I was foolish to believe that I needed help. I am obviously the master of all that is sexay!

 

TRENT: You don’t honestly believe that, do you?

 

UPCHUCK: Errr…well…

 

TRENT: Look, if you wanna learn about flirting (he smirks) let me turn on the charm.

 

Go to the diner part of the Pizza King. Sandi and Tiffany approach Quinn and Stacy’s booth. They sit, Sandi on Quinn’s side.

 

SANDI: Hello, Stacy, Quinn. You both are still coming to the emergency meeting tonight, right? My house. 6 o’clock. Sam and Chris have a Boy Scouts’ meeting, so we don’t have to worry about them bothering us. (She shoots a meaningful glare at Quinn.)

 

STACY: But, Sandi, I thought---

 

QUINN: You’re forgiving us now, is that it, Sandi?

 

SANDI: What?

 

QUINN: After that fight you and I had, I’m surprised you’re talking to me again.

 

Sandi, confused, looks at Tiffany across from her, but gets no support. It’s Tiffany, after all.

 

SANDI: Quinn, what the hell are you talking about?

 

QUINN: Our fight the other day, Sandi?

 

SANDI: Um…The one where we argued over which school bathroom was better?

 

QUINN: No…

 

SANDI: Oooh! The one where we argued over the importance of scarves in one’s every day life? Because, Quinn, despite your adamancy, I refuse to believe that a scarf can be used to cover virtually any neck deformity one may have, or whatever.

 

QUINN: No! (sighs) We’ll never get anywhere if you have to guess. And I’m still kind of mad about that scarf thing. But, no! (bt) Remember yesterday, when we talked about the new nail polish color for the season?

 

SANDI: (nodding) Off-pink is the new plum.

 

QUINN: But I said that coral was the new plum!

 

SANDI: (shaking her head) But I know that we’re thinking of the same color. (bt) What if we reach a compromise and call it, ‘off-coral’ or something?

 

QUINN: ‘Off-coral…’ works! Because it’s not just straight-ahead coral. Wow, Sandi! You’re so smart!

 

SANDI: (‘humble’) I know. (bt) What were you talking about, me being mad at you, anyway? Like, did you think I’d be mad about that flippant remark you made to me about being President?

 

QUINN: (uncomfortable) Um…Well.

 

SANDI: Because, really, Quinn. I’m a compassionate person. You made that remark and then ran out of the room, and I turned to Stacy and said, ‘What the hell was that?’ but I did not call for your suspension. I understand that sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we say things that we do not truly mean, or whatever. (bt; smiles) As long as you're not, like, ugly, you're still in my club.

 

QUINN: (teary) Oh, Sandi. I should’ve known you’d understand.

 

SANDI: Oh, Quinn. You really should have.

 

The two embrace and are being flagrantly fake. Stacy is shaking her head.

 

STACY: (thought vo) I can’t believe I thought things were going to change. (bt) Bigger and better, my ass.

 

Sandi and Quinn pull apart.

 

SANDI: Okay, let’s go. I’m not really in the mood for pizza anymore.

 

TIFFANY: Me neeeeither. I’m still full from the poopppcorn.

 

The girls slide out of the booth. While walking out, Sandi steps on a piece of paper.

 

SANDI: What the hell is this? (She picks it up. Stacy and Quinn look at each other with big eyes.) Fashion Coalition? (bt) That name is so not cute.

 

Sandi throws it over her shoulder and Quinn and Stacy breathe sighs of relief as the Fashion Club exit the Pizza King.

 

 

SCENE 6: The Lane living room. Helen’s sitting next to Jake and Vincent, who’s wearing jeans. Amanda’s bringing Helen a cup.

 

AMANDA: Here, Helen. We didn’t have any coffee, so I just made you some warm water.

 

HELEN: Umm…Thanks, Amanda.

 

Amanda takes a seat next to Helen.

 

VINCENT: You know, Jake, your bone structure is amazing. (runs his hand along Jake’s jaw) You should really let me photograph you.

 

JAKE: You know, I really wanted to be a photographer when I was a teen. I begged my parents to send me a camera in one of their Christmas packages, but NO! They just sent me cookies! Not a camera for ole’ Jakey! And did I get those cookies? NO, SIREE! Because my drill sergeant ate them all!!!

 

VINCENT: That’s horrible. (He puts his hand on Jake’s knee.)

 

HELEN: (eyes widen at the contact) Oh, my! (spills some of her water on herself; cringes; tries to pat it off)

 

VINCENT: (goes on, oblivious to Helen) But you know, all great artists, all great men, came from horrible childhoods.

 

HELEN: (thought vo) Is that your parenting philosophy?

 

JAKE: (pleased) Really?

 

VINCENT: (squeezes Jake’s knee) Conflict makes the best art, I say.

 

AMANDA: And to what do we owe this lovely visit? Helen?

 

HELEN: Actually, Amanda, I wanted to talk to you about Jane and Trent.

 

AMANDA: Yeah. Aren’t they…great?

 

HELEN: Er…Yeah. (bt) But, I’m kind of worried about them.

 

AMANDA: (dreamily, like she’s prone to) Oh?

 

HELEN: I mean, (gently) I’m kind of concerned about how much time you and your husband spend away from them.

 

AMANDA: (a bit more alert) Oh?

 

HELEN: (hastily) I know that Jane’s 17, and it may seem like she’s grown, but she isn’t, Amanda. She still needs someone to guide her.

 

AMANDA: (hesitantly) But isn’t that what Trent’s for?

 

HELEN: Do you know how old Trent is?

 

AMANDA: I want to say he’s in his 20s.

 

HELEN: He’s 22.

 

AMANDA: So I was right!

 

HELEN: (dryly) He acts like he’s 12.

 

AMANDA: (blinks) But that’s one of the things I like about Trent, Helen. His childlike qualities, I mean.

 

HELEN: (starting to get a little angry) If you mean that his maturity is stunted, then yes, he possesses childlike qualities.

 

JAKE: (cont. conversation with Vince, as they’re in their own world) You know, I’ve always wanted to write television scripts.

 

VINCENT: Then why haven’t you? What’s stopping you?

 

JAKE: Yeah…What’s stopping me? (waving his fist at the floor) You hear that, old man? I’m not gonna let you stop me anymore!!!

 

HELEN: (trying to remain calm) Certainly some of your, uh, other children must display some bitter resentment from their childhood?

 

AMANDA: (thoughtful) But I thought that was just Penny’s personality…

 

HELEN: You named your child Penny Lane?

 

AMANDA: Isn’t it pretty?

 

HELEN: (thought vo) I think I understand why she’s bitter. (out loud; standing up) Look, Amanda. It’s time to wake up and realize what’s going on with your children. Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t like to butt into other people’s business, but I care about those kids, damn it, and ever since they’ve stayed at my house I’ve been thinking about their situation. (bt) Trent has a good heart, but he’s never going to get a real job at the rate he’s going.

 

Cut to the Pizza King. See a crowd of girls at the counter. See Trent giving Upchuck a thumbs-up and Upchuck smiling appreciatively.

 

Cut back to the Lanes’.

 

HELEN: And Jane uses her humor as a shield from the world.

 

Cut to the movie theater. Jane and Daria are watching one. Close-up on Daria.

 

JANE (os): (whispering, loudly) Daria. Pssst. Hey, Daria.

 

DARIA: What?

 

Pull back out to show Jane and Daria. Jane’s holding a piece of licorice up to her face so it looks like it’s sticking out of her nose.

 

JANE: (fake-stuffy) Can you hand me a napkin; I think my nose is bleeding.

 

DARIA: (smirking) I think that’s the least of your problems.

 

JANE: Oh?

 

DARIA: Yeah. I’d be more concerned with your leaking brain. (returns to the movie; Mona Lisa smile)

 

Cut back to the Lanes’.

 

JAKE: …Doesn’t that sound kind of familiar?

 

HELEN: Damn it, Jake; Daria’s well-adjusted! (to Amanda) I hope you don’t think I was harsh.

 

AMANDA: No…It’s just…

 

HELEN: What?

 

AMANDA: Have you ever thought that maybe Trent and Jane like being alone?

 

HELEN: Well, I…

 

AMANDA: I mean, they did run off to your house when we all came back at the same time.

 

VINCENT: They did? (bt) I thought it was strange that I didn’t hear from Trent those last two days.

 

HELEN: Well…I…

 

AMANDA: Even when they were kids they were close. They were closer in age than their other siblings, and I guess I just assumed that they would watch out for each other. I just kind of…let them be.

 

HELEN: You…encouraged their relationship?

 

AMANDA: (as defensive as her dreamy tone can sound) Do you know how rare it is for siblings to bond like that?

 

HELEN: I…(long pause) I guess I wouldn’t know anything about that.