THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 24
THE
PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
(Jane and Charlie have
problems, while Daria wants to know more about Patrick, and Christie deals with
a problem)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Daria and Neill's dorm)
(Daria and Patrick are sitting
on the couch reading, when the phone rings)
DARIA
Damn phone...making noise
PATRICK
Couch soft. Phrasing
fragmented.
DARIA
Very funny
(Daria gets up and answers the
phone)
PATRICK
I thought so
DARIA
Hello?
QUINN
Hi Daria!
DARIA
Neill's not here
QUINN
I wanted to talk to you....where
is he?
DARIA
Don't know, don't much care.
So....you wanted to talk about something?
QUINN
It's about the SAT's
DARIA
Just fill in all C's on the
multiple choice and go back to dreaming about alligator shoes, or bunny fur
earmuffs, or whatever animal you kids are wearing today...
QUINN
First, Ewwwww! Secondly, I
wanted to ask you, how did you handle the stress?
DARIA
Stress?
QUINN
Yeah, you know the expectation...
DARIA
Expectation? Who is this?
QUINN
Daria! I've been doing pretty
well since I've been getting tutored and you gave me all those books you didn't
need...
DARIA
You know, I didn't give them
to you. I just left them behind.
QUINN
Whatever, now Mom and Dad
expect me to get into a good college, and I feel overwhelmed...
DARIA
Quinn?
QUINN
Yes?
DARIA
I don't really think I have
any advice for you, because I used to release stress by annoying you, but I
will say this. Did you ever feel overwhelmed by that whole social schedule
fashion...thing?
QUINN
Yeah, I guess...
DARIA
Well, how did you deal with
that stress?
QUINN
(Silence)...shopping.
DARIA
Bingo, so, do some shopping
and then get back to studying. Besides, if you actually convince Mom that
shopping is beneficial to your grades, I bet you could get some bribe money out
of her. Send me a cut of the bribe
though.
QUINN
Thanks Daria, now I know how
you can talk to Aunt Amy.
DARIA
Well, must be getting back to
Patrick (Daria covers mouth)
QUINN
Who's that?
DARIA
Patrick? (Daria looks at
Patrick and Patrick looks back) He's my....I'll call you back...
(Daria hangs up phone and
looks at Patrick)
PATRICK
Lemme Guess, we need to have
the relationship talk?
DARIA
Probably, how about we
postpone these talks for 2 weeks?
PATRICK
You always come up with the
best plans
DARIA
You learn how to make plans
when you've lived in a jailhouse for about 18 years.
PATRICK
Ain't that the truth?
Scene II (INT, Night,
Jane and Lucy's dorm)
(Charlie looks up from
schedule book)
CHARLIE
Well, how about Tuesday night?
JANE
Can't. Going to a ballgame
with Neill. He has to learn about the seedy underbelly of American culture
somehow...
CHARLIE
Damn, that means in between my...shooting
schedule and your class schedule, we hardly have enough time for each other...
JANE
I know, it sucks...
CHARLIE
What if I move this shoot
here, and this one here? What are you doing on Wednesday night?
JANE
Going to the Boston Fine Arts
gallery
CHARLIE
Field trip?
JANE
No, Neill suggested it in
exchange for the ball game
CHARLIE
Can't you cancel one of those?
JANE
I don't break plans...
CHARLIE
You know, you seem to be
seeing a lot of Neill lately
JANE
Yeah, just one of those things
I guess...
CHARLIE
That's what I'm afraid of
JANE
What?
CHARLIE
It's just that, you two seem
to have this history. It's just a bit...weird...
JANE
Jealous?
CHARLIE
Well...
JANE
There's nothing going on
between us, Neill's the perfect gentleman despite his lifestyle. He wouldn't
take advantage of me
CHARLIE
Well, how do you explain all
the inside jokes between you two?
JANE
Friends have inside jokes, listen...its
purely platonic between us. Besides (she grabs Charlie's jacket), you have
nothing to worry about... (She kisses Charlie)
CHARLIE
And you two never went out?
JANE
I got here at the start of
semester and met you a short while later, it's not like we had time for
anything to happen. We did have a fling a while back though...
(Charlie withdraws)
CHARLIE
What?
JANE
Charlie, it was nothing...
CHARLIE
A fling that you forgot to
mention...
JANE
Do you mention all your sexual
partners to your girlfriends?
CHARLIE
I suppose you have a point,
it's all in my mind. (He goes back to Jane) It's not like you lost your
virginity to him or anything...
(Silence)
(Jane looks away)
CHARLIE
Oh...you've got to be kidding me!
I'm out of here!
(Charlie storms out)
JANE
Wait!
(Lucy bumps into Charlie on
the way in)
LUCY
Well, he certainly seemed to
be off in a hurry
JANE
Yeah...
Scene III (INT, Day,
Christie's Dorm)
(Christie wonders around dorm)
CHRISTIE
Now, if only I could stop
talking to myself, I may be able to convince people that I'm sane
(Christie continues to walk
around dorm)
(She picks up a photo of her
and Sandi)
CHRISTIE
The stupid thing is of course,
is that I know how to fix this...but I can't bring myself to do it. Not even for
Sandi, and do I want to get back with somebody who I can't commit to? Ironic.
VOICE FROM OUTSIDE
Guy #1 Are they making out
yet?
Guy#2 I can only hear one
voice
Guy #3 Shut up, they may hear
us
CHRISTIE
Sorry boys, it's just me in
here
VOICE
Guy #2 She's just talking to
herself, what a weirdo, I'm outta here man
CHRISTIE
Yeah. I'm a weirdo alright.
(Christie picks up phone)
WOMAN
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hi Mom, it's me....
MOM
What's wrong Christie?
CHRISTIE
I don't know who I am, and the
one thing I want is something I can't possibly achieve...
MOM
Remember Christie, we're small
town folk. We don't always know what you're talking about right away...
CHRISTIE
Not even Freud could figure
out my mind...
MOM
Has this got to do with, you
know....
CHRISTIE
Yeah...it does...
MOM
Well, you know where to reach
him
CHRISTIE
Yeah, I do, and I've tried,
but I can't...I just can't. I know I have to if I want to go where I want to go,
but...I am a disgusting human being....not able to love....
MOM
That's a bunch of crap and you
know it
CHRISTIE
Mom?
MOM
If you hadn't had the power of
love, you and your father still wouldn't be on speaking terms. I know you can
do it, If you want it enough.
CHRISTIE
I have to go
MOM
Got something you have to do?
CHRISTIE
Yeah, thanks Mom...I love you....
MOM
Okay, I love you too
(Christie hangs up phone and
dials)
MAN
(Thick Italian-America accent)
Hello?
(Christie is silent)
MAN
Ahh...if it isn't my stalker?
Listen, you may not say anything, but I know you're in
CHRISTIE
Hello
MAN
She has a voice, praise the
Gods!
CHRISTIE
You don't know me...
MAN
Well Gee Whiz, you figure that
one out on your own? What do you want?
CHRISTIE
I'm...
MAN
Yeah?
CHRISTIE
I'm your daughter
Scene IV (INT, Day,
DARIA
I was there, and he was there,
but I had no idea what to say
JANE
And you say your sister is
feeling the pressure of performing academically? It has been a weird day for
you
DARIA
What made you call Charlie
your boyfriend?
JANE
Don't know...it was just after...
(Jane looks at Daria). Just knowing he was going to be there, knowing he was
going to be loyal, I just...admired those qualities I guess...
DARIA
Oh...well, I just think I don't
know anything about Patrick
JANE
Well, what do you know about
him?
DARIA
Not much. I know he's a rower,
does Lit, doesn't like pudding skin and he's a nice guy.
JANE
Wow, that's not much. Perhaps
you're better off where you two are at the moment...
DARIA
Trouble in paradise?
JANE
I guess you could say that,
Charlie's just getting a little paranoid is all.
DARIA
What about?
JANE
Neill and I
DARIA
Huh?
JANE
Exactly. I told him we're just
friends, but he didn't seem to believe me.
DARIA
I know what that feels like
JANE
Hey! Does that mean you're
going out with Neill on the side?
DARIA
I don't even want to think
about that one
JANE
Well, you already live
together. Just sleep together and you two would be married.
DARIA
You know, if I murdered you
right now, I'd have grounds for justifiable homicide
JANE
Knowing your mother, you'd
probably get away with it too...
DARIA
So, your stuff with Charlie
going to work out?
JANE
Probably. It's all a bit of a
storm in a teacup if you ask me...
DARIA
Storm in a teacup?
JANE
Yeah...
(Daria stares inquisitively at
Jane)
JANE
What?
DARIA
Nothing...
JANE
You know what you have to do?
DARIA
Take them all out?
JANE
Nope. You have to sit down
with Patrick and talk
DARIA
I don't do talks
JANE
Don't worry about it, she'll
be right.
(Daria again looks at Jane
inquisitively)
JANE
What!?
DARIA
Nothing...
JANE
Well good
DARIA
Alright then
Scene V (INT, Day,
Patrick's/Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Daria walks to an
unidentified dorm room)
(Daria knocks)
(Steve answers)
STEVE
Hey, weird chick, what do you
want?
DARIA
You...live here?
STEVE
Yah, what's it to you?
DARIA
Is Patrick around?
STEVE
I think he got back from
training a while ago
(Patrick comes to the door)
PATRICK
If it isn't the Lovely Daria
Morgandorffer
DARIA
Hi. Can we talk?
PATRICK
Uh-oh. Talk. I suppose we can,
but we better go somewhere else
(Patrick leaves with Daria)
(Switch to Neill and Daria's dorm)
DARIA
So, I guess why I stumbled
that time is because I realised I don't know that much about you
PATRICK
Well, I'm not a very
interesting person
DARIA
Indulge me
PATRICK
I wish you'd say that more
often. Fire Away.
DARIA
Name?
PATRICK
Patrick Kelsey
DARIA
Star sign?
PATRICK
Virgo. I thought this was
going to be hard hitting
DARIA
Three favourite books
PATRICK
Hmm....1984, Brave New World and
Great Expectations...
DARIA
Okay, strange...favourite food?
PATRICK
Green eggs and ham?
DARIA
Can you please take this
seriously?
PATRICK
I'm sorry. I'm just not very
interesting. I'd rather know all about you...
DARIA
Oh...
(Neill enters)
NEILL
G'Day kids! What's the good
word?
PATRICK
Felafel
NEILL
Listen, I heard Jane was
having some troubles, you know anything about it Daria?
DARIA
Me? Uh....no...
NEILL
Alrighty then. I'm just off to
make a phone call. You two kids enjoy your game.
(Neill leaves)
PATRICK
Is he always so condescending?
DARIA
Yes, but only when he's awake.
Scene VI (INT, Day,
Christie's Dorm)
(Christie talking into phone)
CHRISTIE
I guess I just want to know,
why you abandoned me...
MAN
I didn't abandon you. Your
mother left me, and you behind. I got a postcard from her about 10 years ago, she was in
CHRISTIE
So you thought leaving me in
an orphanage was the right thing to do?
MAN
Try and see this from my point
of view
CHRISTIE
Okay, you're left with your
daughter and you dump her into an orphanage so you don't have to accept
responsibility for me.
MAN
Hey! It wasn't like that at
all!
CHRISTIE
Like hell it wasn't!
MAN
It was the right thing to do!
You stood a helluva better shot if I weren't around to screw up your life.
CHRISTIE
Oh, and spending time in an
orphanage didn't do that at all!
MAN
Hey, from what you've told me,
you found people that are warm and kind. That's a lot better than the upbringing
I could have provided.
CHRISTIE
You could have at least tried!
MAN
Do you know how old I was when
your mother left me?
CHRISTIE
(Quietly) No...I don't.
MAN
I was 16, and so was she. Do
you think a 16 year old had the capacity to look after a child on his own?
CHRISTIE
What about relatives, couldn't
have you left me with them?
MAN
What? The chain smoker and the
alcoholic? And don't even get me started on her parents. Besides, if I left you
with them and went to school, I wouldn't have been raising my child, would I?
CHRISTIE
Instead you just let the state
do it for you.
MAN
Listen, Christie is it?
CHRISTIE
Yeah
MAN
Anyhow, you think I liked letting you go?
CHRISTIE
Seemed as if I were a burden.
MAN
Listen, I was the burden on
you. Not the other way around. There was no way you could have grown up right
with me around as a role model, so I thought I could give you a fighting
chance. It was still painful though.
CHRISTIE
Couldn't you of at least tried?
MAN
I did. It's not like you were
yanked from your mother and then immediately dumped in the orphanage.
CHRISTIE
Oh
MAN
I tried my heart out for you.
I dropped out so I could try to look after you. But it just wasn't going to
work. You were a baby, and needed stuff I couldn't provide without working 2 or
3 jobs. So social services suggested that I take you down to St. Marks before
you were in serious danger.
CHRISTIE
And that's where my father
worked as a priest.
MAN
You got raised by a priest?
See? You probably got a good upbringing.
CHRISTIE
Apart from the years of
separation after I came out.
MAN
Excuse me?
CHRISTIE
I'm a lesbian.
MAN
Oh...neat?
CHRISTIE
I get that a lot
MAN
Listen, I've got to go to
work, but where are you at the moment? I could look you up if you wanted to
talk some more.
CHRISTIE
I'm Christie Elliot, Raft
Campus,
MAN
Holy crap! You got into Raft!?
CHRISTIE
Well, it's amazing how well
you can do in High School if you're not distracted by all the boys...
Scene VII (INT, Late
Day, Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Daria is sitting on couch
reading)
(Neill enters from Kitchen)
NEILL
Listen, I'm just going to the
shops to get some groceries, did you want anything?
DARIA
Apart from dignity? No thanks.
NEILL
You know, sometimes I have a
very hard time understanding you...
DARIA
Likewise
NEILL
Righto then.
DARIA
Do we need more groceries?
NEILL
Not really, but Jane's coming
over tonight, so I thought I'd cook her dinner, do what a mate would do, you
know?
DARIA
So...Jane agreed to your
invitation?
NEILL
Nah, I was planning on
stealing her away in the middle of the night, of course she agreed. Besides, I
can't exactly exert myself with the whole 'crutches' thing...
DARIA
I suppose not
NEILL
Okay shortie, see you when I
see you.
(Neill exits)
(Daria picks up phone and
dials)
JANE
Yo
DARIA
Hey
JANE
Hey, what's up?
DARIA
Nothing much. Heard you're
coming over tonight.
JANE
Yeah...
DARIA
You don't think it's a bad
idea?
JANE
What?
DARIA
Accepting a dinner invitation
from someone that your boyfriend is accusing you of having an affair with?
(Silence)
DARIA
Jane?
JANE
What are you saying?