THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 23
CLOSE
AND APART
(Jane, Charlie and Neill go to an art fair,
while Christie opens up to Daria about her problems with Sandi)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Jane and Lucy's dorm)
CHARLIE
Can I talk now?
JANE
No
CHARLIE
Now?
JANE
No
CHARLIE
You know, there's a lot more
to posing for a portrait than meets the eye...
JANE
Well, you should have
considered that when you agreed
CHARLIE
Can't you just take a
Polaroid?
JANE
Probably
CHARLIE
Then what the hell am I dong
here?
JANE
Spending time with your
girlfriend...
CHARLIE
Point taken
JANE
Besides, you should be happy
with sitting in the presence of your goddess for three hours straight, without
moving or speaking. Now hush, lest I decide that breathing is detrimental to my
art...
(Jane continues to paint)
(There's a knock at the door)
JANE
You don't move
(Jane leaves)
CHARLIE
But you're not painting right
now
(Jane opens door)
NEILL
G'day spunky!
JANE
Neill! Umm...this isn't a good time
NEILL
What? (Pokes head in door)
JANE
I'm painting
NEILL
G'day mate! You Charlie?
(Charlie doesn't move or
speak)
NEILL
Right. Not allowed to move or
speak, just blink twice for yes, once for no
(Charlie blinks twice)
JANE
I said don't move!
(Charlie is scared straight)
NEILL
Anyhow, just saw this in the
Raft Paper, wondering if you and Charlie here were interested
(Neill hands Jane paper)
JANE
'Art in the Park' huh? Sounds cool.
I'm in, I can sell some stuff. I'm getting sick of Ramen noodles anyhow.
Charlie, you may speak now
CHARLIE
Sounds cool, we'll be there...
NEILL
Well, see you around Spunky,
nice to meet you Charlie
CHARLIE
You too
JANE
Okay, that's enough
(Neill leaves)
Scene II (INT,
Morning, Raft Coffee House)
(Daria walks in with uniform,
to find Christie behind counter)
CUSTOMER
This Macchiato just isn't up
to scratch
CHRISTIE
Life's a bitch then you die.
No refunds.
(Customer walks away in huff while
Daria walks behind counter)
DARIA
So, what's up?
CHRISTIE
Apart from the chance of a
heart attack from the salads at McDonalds? Nothing...
DARIA
Umm...hang in there?
CHRISTIE
You're not very good at this
sisterhood crap are you?
DARIA
Never have been. So, how is
it...going?
CHRISTIE
Apart from crying myself to
sleep and attracting campus security to my dorm because they thought a seal was
dying in the dorm? Bad...
DARIA
Sounds like you need Chinese
and Fellinni...
CHRISTIE
Thanks, I'd like that
DARIA
Well, you did it for me when I
was going through some stuff. I should probably do the sisterly thing and
reciprocate
CHRISTIE
Probably?
DARIA
I'm afraid if I go down this
road pretty soon I'll be comparing notes on various boy bands with all my gal
pals, and that just can not be...
CHRISTIE
It would alter time and space
itself, thanks...
DARIA
For what?
CHRISTIE
Not abandoning me
DARIA
Why would I do that?
CHRISTIE
I can think of a few reasons
(Patrick enters)
PATRICK
How is my favourite lady and
her mother?
DARIA
Good. Christie, can I take a
break?
CHRISTIE
You just got here. It's coming
out of your pay check, so sure...
(Daria takes Patrick to table
outside)
DARIA
Can you take it easy on all
the lovey-dovey stuff?
PATRICK
I thought you liked it...
DARIA
I do, oddly enough...it's just
that...
PATRICK
Yes
DARIA
I meant not in front of
Christie
PATRICK
Huh?
DARIA
She broke up with her
girlfriend
PATRICK
Wait? She's likes
girls!?......but that's not the point, is it?
DARIA
No. I just think we need to be
a bit more...discrete around her
PATRICK
Am I suddenly seeing a
compassionate side?
DARIA
Depends, do you like it?
PATRICK
I like anything you do
DARIA
Then I have something to tell
you about my penchant for wanton destruction
PATRICK
You...are just joking right?
DARIA
Yes Patrick
PATRICK
Cool, so we still on for
tomorrow night?
DARIA
I'm afraid not. I'm doing the
sisterly thing...
PATRICK
Understandable, can I get it
out of my system now then?
DARIA
Get what out of your system?
PATRICK
A million poets could try for
a million years and yet only describe but one-eighth of your beauty. Let's
see...what other lines do I have in the locker?
DARIA
I thought you said you were
spontaneous
PATRICK
I am. But I like to think
about you in my spare time
Scene III (EXT, Day,
NEILL
Is this all of it?
JANE
Yep
(Neill and Charlie take art
out of Charlie's car)
CHARLIE
She's quite the artist, isn't
she?
NEILL
I'll say mate! I reckon these paintings
take talent
CHARLIE
Unlike our stuff
NEILL
You know, for a film student,
you're alright...
(The group come to an empty
stall)
JANE
And this is our area...
NEILL
Wow, small....
JANE
And think what fun you'll have
setting up while I go and talk to Lars!
(Jane walks away)
(Lars is setting up his own
stall)
LARS
Ah,
JANE
Sure, any of my stuff selling?
LARS
I've only sold two so far, but
there is some good feedback coming from customers
JANE
And did you happen to have a
check on you?
LARS
You artists don't mess around
do you? Here.
(Hands Jane a check)
(Jane looks at the check with
great surprise)
LARS
I know it's not much, but I'm
afraid that's the going rate these days...
JANE
This will be fine, thank you!
(Jane walks away)
(Jane walks back to her stall)
NEILL
So then I said, screw you
mate, she was like that when I got there...
CHARLIE
Wow, interesting story...
JANE
I see you two are getting
along... (nervously)
NEILL
Yeah, Charlie's a top bloke
CHARLIE
Tells interesting stories
involving all manners of devices...
JANE
Well, at least we won't have
to sell anything today
CHARLIE
Huh?
(Jane hands Charlie check)
CHARLIE
$300!!?? God damn! What are
you going to do with the money?
JANE
I have no idea
NEILL
I reckon you spend it on one
all-mighty piss up
CHARLIE
The man has a point
JANE
Well, we can decide while
you're buying me a slice
(They walk off)
NEILL
That's my girl! Get $300 and then
make the bloke pay for pizza, classic Jane.
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Raft Coffee House)
CUSTOMER
Sorry, but this coffee is too
hot...
CHRISTIE
And then Goldilocks said 'this
coffee is too cold, but this one is just right!' Hit the road!
(Customer walks away)
DARIA
Maybe you shouldn't be serving
customers today
CHRISTIE
Maybe you shouldn't be
existing today
DARIA
That doesn't make any sense
CHRISTIE
I know...
DARIA
I know I'm going to regret
this but....do you want to...talk about it?
CHRISTIE
Do we have any customers?
DARIA
Not that I can see
CHRISTIE
Okay. Back room.....Rodney, take
over
RODNEY
Sure dude
(Daria and Christie walk into
back room)
(Daria and Christie sit down)
CHRISTIE
We better make his quick,
leaving Rodney to work unsupervised is like letting a bull loose in a china
store...
DARIA
So, what happened?
CHRISTIE
Oh...it's just this whole
apartment issue
DARIA
Apartment issue?
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah, that's right. I don't
talk to you about my relationship with Sandi. Makes you feel uneasy...
DARIA
Huh?
CHRISTIE
When my tongue finds that
sweet spot...
DARIA
Stop
CHRISTIE
See! Anyhow, she was moving
out of her apartment, and wanted to find a better place. She was working so much
because she had to save for the bond. So me, like the fool I am, decide that
this would be the ideal time to move in together. Not only could I solve her
money problems, but it would somehow cement our relationship.
DARIA
I take it she didn't like the
proposal?
CHRISTIE
That's just it, she said that
she didn't like the idea, but I just had to keep on pushing the idea because of
my own stuff...
DARIA
Your own stuff?
CHRISTIE
I don't want to talk about it...
DARIA
OK, then why do you think she didn't
like the idea?
CHRISTIE
We hadn't been going out 6
months when I kept on pushing her toward a further commitment. Anybody would
get freaked out, and now I find myself all alone again...
DARIA
Do you want to get back
together with her?
CHRISTIE
She said she wanted a break,
but that's just polite-speak for 'I'm leaving your ass'...
DARIA
You said you had...stuff?
CHRISTIE
Yeah, I do
DARIA
Maybe you should deal with
that...
CHRISTIE
I've tried to for so many
years. When I get remotely close though, I freeze and run away...ironic really...
(A crash from counter)
DARIA AND CHRISTIE
Rodney!
Scene V (EXT, Day,
CHARLIE
Buy a painting?
(Customer walks by)
CHARLIE
I'm sorry Jane, I'm no good at
this selling stuff...
JANE
That's okay, I would have been
worried if you were good at participating in capitalist rituals and going out
with me at the same time...
CHARLIE
If you're such a Marxist, then
why do you eat Pizza, the symbol of American capitalism?
JANE
Because I don't pay for it
NEILL
I reckon I can give it a shot...
JANE
Give what a shot?
(Neill travels to front of
booth and starts to yell)
NEILL
Come one and all to the
amazing stall of the eponymous
MAN
I'll take two of whatever
you're selling!
NEILL
That'll be $100!
(Exchange takes place)
NEILL
See folks! It's that easy!
Step up! Impress your lady friends by displaying this fine art and displaying
your softer side! It's the call of the metro sexual folks! It works, believe
me!
MAN
I'll take 3!
NEILL
$120
(Exchange takes place)
JANE
Neill...how...did you do that?
NEILL
It's all the accent luv
CHARLIE
That was incredible; we have
no more stock left! And it's only 1 in the afternoon!
NEILL
And you two crazy kids have
the whole day to spend together! No need to thank me, but if you are, I believe
a slab would be in order.
JANE
Well, thank you
NEILL
Always happy to help out a
mate, now did you two want some time alone? Because I can catch the bus back to
Raft if you guys wanted...
CHARLIE
I won't hear of it!
NEILL
Sounds like a plan!
CHARLIE
I've...just got to make a phone
call first.
NEILL
No worries mate
(Charlie and Neill walk away)
JANE
Fantastic...no...really...
(Jane walks after them)
Scene VI (INT, Late
Day, Raft Coffee House)
CHRISTIE
So then the campus police came
in with representatives from WWF and tried to apprehend me for torturing
animals...
DARIA
I was wondering why Harry was
asking me all those questions about you...
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah, how does the hard-line
journalism go?
DARIA
Do you consider doing the
'upcoming events' column hard news?
CHRISTIE
Could be...depends what's coming
up...?
DARIA
What do you mean?
CHRISTIE
Now, if you were to report
that nuclear winter was to come in the next few days, now that would be hard news...
(
Hello fishies...
DARIA
Are you delusional?
Maybe, what's it to you magic
carpet?
CHRISTIE
The boy needs coffee...stat!
(Daria looks at Christie)
CHRISTIE
What? All the med students get
to say 'stat'...I want to say 'stat'
(Some time later)
DARIA
So, this job with Mr Hamilton
not all it's cracked up to be?
It's pouring over tomes of
unused texts in the library looking for references, I tell you, you're lucky
you got out while you could...
CHRISTIE
Sucks to be you...
In between having to keep my
grades up, doing this intern thing, working security at the Pimento, and now
this radio job, I'm starting to wonder if God really does have it in for me...
DARIA
I'm sure it's not that bad...
Sure, to you, but you don't
know where I'm coming from...
CHRISTIE
What?
Being treated like a
demographic puller at RCR
DARIA
Drink more coffee, it will
help you make sense...
You ever wonder why they're
playing more R&B now that I'm there?
CHRISTIE
Not really...
The only reason I haven't been
fired from that place is because I'm black. I mean, as much as Neill tries to
cover up the fact, I know I have absolutely no charisma whatsoever...
DARIA
Ummm...I'm sure that's not true?
No. Whenever I take over the
start of the show, I get half the student body calling up and saying "Where's
Neill?". Do you know how frustrating that is?
DARIA
You are aware that I board
with him right? Not only do I have to field phone calls, I have to placate
angry women face to face...
CHRISTIE
You know Daria, if you follow
this story up, it could get you out of the 'upcoming events' column....
DARIA
So you seriously think that the
colour of your skin is giving you some sort of advantage?
I would have been fired ages
ago if it weren't the case. Have you heard the promos? I'm referred to as
DARIA
Don't get me wrong, but it does
sound a little far fetched...
I'll prove it...
CHRISTIE
How?
I'll do some stuff at the
Radio Station that should get me fired. I already have, I mean, I've hung up on
about 30 listeners. It's been 8 weeks since I started and people still don't
know my name...
CHRISTIE
Okay, let's just say you are
being discriminated against, or for...I don't know. You could see this as an
opportunity to say the things that nobody else will say on air...
(Considers) You may just have
a point...
Scene VII (EXT, Early
Evening,
CHARLIE
So, how did you get that
injury?
NEILL
Trying to break the line
against three defenders...
(Charlie is confused)
NEILL
CHARLIE
Oh...League or
NEILL
Wait? You know about
CHARLIE
I grew up in
NEILL
Jane. I'm sorry to say that
you have to break up with Charlie right now...
JANE
Why? I'd only break up with
him if someone else better came along, and nobody's going to take that chance...
NEILL
He's a Pom. And I can't have
one of my good mates dating a Pom. I just won't stand for it!
CHARLIE
Of course you are aware that
I'm standing right here right?
NEILL
Yeah mate
CHARLIE
And you are aware hat I'm your
ride back to Raft?
NEILL
Damn. Jane, marry this man. I
take back what I said about the whole Pom thing...
CHARLIE
Got to love blackmail
JANE
It's the cornerstone of our
political system...
NEILL
So, Charlie, where we off to
now mate?
CHARLIE
I was thinking that we could
hit up the stalls, maybe I'll find something for my dark-haired temptress...
JANE
If you utter the word
'feisty', it's over