THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 22
CONFRONTING
THE NEW
(Daria becomes fascinated by Patrick while
Jane goes to the next level with Charlie, and Christie and Sandi celebrate
their 6 month anniversary)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Christie's Dorm)
TV
Next, we review the new hit
man / hit woman romance that is sure to break all the box office records...
SANDI
Because there's nothing I love
more than a box of candy and flowers laced with chloroform
CHRISTIE
Could be romantic...
SANDI
How do you figure?
CHRISTIE
At least the partner has made
an effort to get flowers instead of just candy
SANDI
But flowers and candy are just
so passé
CHRISTIE
That's where the chloroform
comes in...
SANDI
How is chloroform a romantic
gift?
CHRISTIE
Damn...that's chloroform off the
list...
SANDI
Huh?
CHRISTIE
Okay, you've been working, so
I'll give you leniency...
SANDI
Jah?
CHRISTIE
Next Friday...
SANDI
Is.....Friday?
CHRISTIE
It's our 6 month anniversary...
(Sandi considers)
SANDI
Oh my lord! How did I forget
that?
CHRISTIE
Don't worry about it, I'll cut
you some slack...this time. Besides, you've had a lot on your plate. So, how does
the hunt go?
SANDI
If by hunt you mean find
apartments with only 3 walls, then badly.
CHRISTIE
Seriously? 3 walls? How does
that work?
SANDI
Triangular design.
Impractical, but within my price range...
CHRISTIE
At least it will be strong...besides,
you know I'm here if you need somebody
SANDI
I thought we discussed this...
CHRISTIE
We did, but I'm a stubborn
gal...
SANDI
Listen, I don't need anybody
to help me, and I certainly don't want you to move in with me...
CHRISTIE
Wow, I don't know whether to
punch you or to just merely whack you with a frying pan...
SANDI
Okay, so that came out wrong...
CHRISTIE
You mean antagonising me
wasn't part of the plan there genius?
SANDI
No, I know you want to commit,
but I just can't take that risk...
CHRISTIE
What risk? We're young and in
love, what could possibly go wrong?
(Sandi stares at Christie)
CHRISTIE
Okay, so maybe that came out
wrong...
SANDI
Listen, I'm just not ready
okay? Can we drop this?
CHRISTIE
If you don't want to confront
it, sure...
SANDI
Maybe there's something you
have to confront, ever think of that? I mean, why the hell are you so damn
eager to move in?
CHRISTIE
I just thought that...
SANDI
I'm sorry...let's just move on
shall we?
CHRISTIE
(Under breath) Fat chance of
that happening...
Scene II (INT, Day,
Jane and Lucy's Dorm)
(Jane is cracking the books in
her dorms)
JANE
Why did I think art school
would involve more art?
(Phone rings)
(Jane picks up)
JANE
CIA, please hold the line
while we trace this call...
CHARLIE
How's my budding Picasso?
JANE
Don't mention Picasso, I
already know too much about him already...
CHARLIE
Let me guess, mid-semester
exams?
JANE
Was it the weary tone of
resignation that gave it away?
CHARLIE
And the fact that you haven't
returned any of my calls in 1 week...
JANE
Oh crap...
CHARLIE
It's okay, you have exams to
worry about....BFAC exams. I can understand how other areas of your life can fall
apart temporarily....
JANE
I'm sorry I meant to, but...I've
been so swamped the past week...
CHARLIE
Stop it, the
JANE
Well sleep deprivation is
changing my character...
CHARLIE
Well it's okay, besides, we're
still going out on Saturday right?
JANE
Now I have that scheduled, so
definitely...
CHARLIE
Well good...I'll make a note of
it in my schedule. Hey, I have a crazy idea...
JANE
Tar and feather the dean?
CHARLIE
Not quite, how about I whisk
you away for an hour or so, get out of the study...
JANE
What were you thinking of
doing in this hour?
CHARLIE
I can think of a few things...
JANE
I like the way you think, but
I really have to study...
CHARLIE
Well, I'll be in my cell all
day, so you can visit me there if you change your mind...
JANE
Okay, I'll see you around
Charlie McCann...
CHARLIE
Likewise
(Jane hangs up)
JANE
Back to the rack, hey, that
rhymes....he he he. Jane...you're becoming delusional....
(Phone rings)
JANE
Hi, you've reached the insane
asylum, two for one special today only!
NEILL
G'day Spunky
JANE
Hey Neil, what's up?
NEILL
Just studying and thought I'd
give old Jane a buzz...
JANE
Well, I'm glad you did, I
thought I was going to go insane...
NEILL
Seeing things?
JANE
Just the usual wormhole into
another dimension...
NEILL
Why don't you come for a very
tentative walk with me?
JANE
Walk?
NEILL
Yep, I can walk with crutches
now...
JANE
Well at least I don't have to
wheel your worthless ass around anymore...
NEILL
So, you want to go?
JANE
Can't. Have to study...
NEILL
It'll only take an hour or so...
JANE
What will I get from this walk?
NEILL
Apart from my company?
JANE
Obviously...
NEILL
Hmm...don't know. Maybe I can
think of something on the way over...
JANE
Damn you Hayden! Tap into my
curious nature why don't you? I'll meet you in
NEILL
Okay Spunky, see you in 20.
Scene III (EXT, Day,
Courtyard)
(Daria is sitting in
courtyard, trying to study)
(Patrick approaches and sits
next to her)
DARIA
(Looks up) Hi Patrick
PATRICK
How's my lovely lady?
DARIA
About to die...
PATRICK
We can't have that!
DARIA
You can just admire my corpse...
PATRICK
Yeah, but I can't do this to a
corpse...
(Patrick tickles Daria)
(Daria breaks out in fits of
laughter)
DARIA
Stop it!
PATRICK
Well, it's either this or
entertaining myself by kissing you all over...
DARIA
That I can oblige...
(Daria kisses Patrick)
DARIA
Hey, what's with the shorts
and shirt?
PATRICK
You complaining?
DARIA
No, it's just that I've never
seen you like that before...
PATRICK
You like what you see?
DARIA
When did you get so.....
PATRICK
Muscular?
DARIA
Yeah...
PATRICK
Maybe I should wear my uniform
more often.
DARIA
If you are part of a sport,
then I'm afraid this relation-date-ship has no legs...
PATRICK
Well, do you consider rowing a
sport? Relation-date-ship?
DARIA
Oh, I freak you out by not
committing or something?
PATRICK
No...I do love where we are at
the moment. I'm just tickled by the fact that you, Daria Morgandorffer, writer
extraordinaire, is OK with making up random words. Can I make one up?
DARIA
Can't hurt...
PATRICK
Shmool...I think that's a pretty
good made-up word
Scene IV (EXT, Dusk,
(Jane walks next to a slow
moving Neill)
JANE
You weren't kidding when you
said a tentative walk...
NEILL
Yeah, but I'd rather move like
a turtle than not move at all...
JANE
Missing the ability to express
yourself?
NEILL
Yeah. Without sport, I can't
really make my statement. You know?
JANE
Yeah, I know what you mean...
NEILL
What's got you blue spunky?
JANE
All this study and no
creation...
NEILL
Well, do you know about
cricket?
JANE
Nothing...
NEILL
Well, right now you're facing
Courtney Walsh in his prime, he's mean, and he wants your head spilling blood.
When he hits you, you've just to smile at him and say 'is that all you got?'
JANE
Wouldn't that just lead to
more pain?
NEILL
Probably, but you'll be
winning the battle, and that's all that counts...
JANE
Well, I'm no Sun-Tzu...
NEILL
You can beat this Jane. I know
you can...
JANE
How do you know?
NEILL
I see it in your painting...
JANE
Huh?
NEILL
I look at your paintings, and
I see a determination, to get better as an artist...hell...to get better as a
person. I just reckon you can see all the love that has gone in,
and you can tell you're going for broke each time. There's no 90% with you, but
there's
JANE
Well, I do throw myself onto
the canvas...
NEILL
I'm surprised that you don't
have a limb broken too...I'm saying don't just hang in there and get by, go for
the win...
JANE
Break the line?
NEILL
Always...
JANE
You know, as I learn more
about you, you're ridiculous philosophies don't sound that bad...
NEILL
Did they ever?
JANE
Well, you're a sports...guy
NEILL
You're point being?
JANE
People who play sport don't express
themselves and their philosophies....
NEILL
Each time you step onto a
field, your conduct defines you. You may not realise it, but it does...
JANE
But that would mean a QB could
be an artist, and that couldn't be...
NEILL
Well, some are doing finger painting,
while others create masterpieces on the canvas of grass and white lines....
JANE
Makes sense...
NEILL
You know it does spunky, and
that's why I'm drawn to you...that's why I agreed to be your first root...
JANE
You mean all this wasn't
enough?
NEILL
Don't get me wrong! I would
have anyhow, but I wouldn't have tried to create art while doing so....
JANE
Oh...well, it felt like that for
me too....
(Stares at Neill)
NEILL
Yep, that Charlie's a lucky
bloke
JANE
Charlie?
NEILL
Did I get his name wrong?
JANE
What?.... (Eyes open in
horror) I have to go...
(Jane runs off)
Scene V (INT, Night,
Radio Booth)
Neill, I know you don't want
to be in the wheelchair, but I've already started the show....
NEILL
Well, you had to some time.
So, how did it go?
Good! So good in fact that our
producer is fielding 10 calls, all saying the same thing.... 'Where's Neill'?
NEILL
Oh...sorry mate....
We're on in 10 seconds...
(Neill hobbles into studio)
(Neill hits console)
NEILL
And were back. Neill Hayden
here, hobbling into the studio. That's right, I'm walking now, and the leg
feels good, well, as good as a fractured leg can feel. So,
Spring time romance
NEILL
Ahh, yes, that wonderful time
of year where the ladies take the twins out for a walk...
What is it about the
approaching spring that makes us want to find somebody?
NEILL
It's gotta be the sun, I mean,
we're coming out of some damn miserable weather...and now the sun is peeking out,
it makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside...
Interesting hypothesis, care
to elaborate?
NEILL
I know I've been thinking
about the ladies...
You always think about the
ladies...
NEILL
True. But I have been even
more so lately...must be the weather. I think we can take some callers now...This
is the Alfie Langer Hour, you're on the air!
CALLER
Hey Neill...
NEILL
G'Day. Have a question or
comment?
CALLER
Just to say that I've been
thinking about the ladies as well...
NEILL
And yet more weight to my claim...thanks
for your call
We'll take another call now...
CALLER
Hey, this isn't about the
spring debate or whatever...I had a question for
For me? (
CALLER
Well, I have this fine honey coming
over tonight....
(
CALLER
And I was wondering what sort
of music I should play to get her, you know, in the mood...
And is this honey an ebony
goddess?
CALLER
Oh yeah...
(
Ok...we've seemed to have lost
our connection...we'll take another caller now...
Scene VI (INT, Night,
Charlie's Dorm)
(Charlie is on the phone,
talking)
CHARLIE
Yeah, well I've just been
really busy lately...but I think I can clear up some room in my schedule
(A knock at the door)
(Charlie answers)
CHARLIE
Jane! How nice to see you!
Decide to take me up on my offer? Not that I appreciate it, but you should call
first...I'm a really busy guy with all my study and
JANE
Lights off, no talking
(Jane turns off the lights,
and then jumps Charlie)
ONE
HOUR LATER
(Charlie and Jane are lying in
bunk)
CHARLIE
Do you mind if I light up?
JANE
What? Uh....go ahead...
CHARLIE
Can I ask you something?
JANE
Sure
CHARLIE
Have you ever seen Annie Hall?
JANE
No...
CHARLIE
And are you on pot right now?
JANE
Not that I know of...
CHARLIE
Well how do you explain that?
JANE
Explain what?
CHARLIE
You were, kind of distant...
JANE
Oh...well....
CHARLIE
The closest thing to angry sex
I've ever had...
JANE
I'm sorry...it's just that...
CHARLIE
You were just looking for a
warm body to take away the pressures of studying. I understand...I really do.
JANE
Good...
CHARLIE
Don't get me wrong, I'm not
complaining...
JANE
Who would?
CHARLIE
Why aren't we confident in
ourselves?
JANE
Hey, I'm
CHARLIE
And that's what I like about
you
JANE
I want to take our
relationship to the next level...
CHARLIE
What?
JANE
I want you to be my
boyfriend....you in?
CHARLIE
Shouldn't we think more about this,
you know, away from the after-glow of mind blowing sex?
JANE
Now who's the one who's
confident in themselves?
CHARLIE
Well, as long as you don't cut
in on my film watching time, I can't see any reason why I can't agree to that.
JANE
Good...
CHARLIE
Good...
JANE
So....how's studying going?
CHARLIE
Studying in Film school means
watching films and getting technical down, so, pretty enjoyable...It's not like
that for you?
JANE
No, I do enjoy it. Deep down,
deep...deep down. It's just a lot of work...
CHARLIE
That's what you get when you
enrol in BFAC
JANE
Yeah, but I'm not only going
to survive, I'm going to thrive...
CHARLIE
That's the
Scene VII (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Daria is typing on computer,
when there is a knock at the door)
(Daria answers)
PATRICK
Buongiorno Principessa!
DARIA
I hated that movie
PATRICK
Come on! How could you not
love the reunion scene? Anyhow, I didn't come here for a debate, if I did, I'd
be a masochist, because I would invariably lose...
DARIA
How do you figure that?
PATRICK
Well, two things. Number one,
you're smart, freaky smart. Number two, all you'd have to do to win is batter
your eyelids at me...
DARIA
You're really good at this
romantic crap aren't you?
PATRICK
It's hard not to be when I have
a vision of perfection standing in front of me like Aphrodite herself
DARIA
Oh, that old line...I bet you
say that to all your girls...
PATRICK
Just you, Bubbles and Candy.
Can I come in?
DARIA
Sure
(Patrick enters)
PATRICK