THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SEASON TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 17
NOW
YOU SEE ME, NOW YOU DON'T
(
Scene I (INT, Night,
Radio Station)
NEILL
And that's it for me! I'd like
to thank Krazy Karl's fish supply for all their support! I'd also like to thank
all you crazy guys and girls for taking a shot on Mick Dundee on the mic, this
has been Neill Hayden on the Alfie Langer Hour! Until next time, signing off.
Stay tuned for Brother Tim's half hour of power!
(Neill hits console)
RANDY
Good show, good show.
NEILL
Thanks mate, I'm off to see a
man about a dog
RANDY
Have you thought about our
offer?
NEILL
The uhh 'black doves'?
RANDY
Yes
NEILL
Yeah, I thought about it, but
I realised that joining a secret order would just be a pain in the arse. I
mean, I got everything I need, so thanks anyhow... (Begins to leave)
RANDY
Of course you know that our
request wasn't really a request, it was an order...
NEILL
You threatening me?
RANDY
Let's just say things around
the station could get a bit messy for you....
NEILL
Well, you could put my shift a
RANDY
Oh, I know, but I may just
your friend's slot to someone else....
NEILL
Damn...
RANDY
Yes...so you can see you're
quite clearly outplayed....
NEILL
Not yet mate, I've got one ace
up my sleeve...
Scene II (INT, Day,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria is typing on the
computer)
(The phone rings)
DARIA
Hello?
Hey...
DARIA
Last time I checked...
DARIA
Did you need Jane's number?
No...I have that...
DARIA
So....
So...
DARIA
Yes?
I called you Daria...
DARIA
Oh...
So...what's up?
DARIA
Nothing much....still slaving
over the hot coals...you?
Still waiting for Mystik
Spiral's World Tour to begin...
DARIA
Playing
Nah, but we're playing a gig
up in
DARIA
Cool
Yeah...
DARIA
So...was there a reason you
wanted to call me?
Yeah...I need a place to crash...
DARIA
What about Jane?
Room's way too small
DARIA
What about the Tank?
I drew the short straw...the
Tank only sleeps 3
DARIA
Well, I guess it's OK, I'll
have to ask Neill though...
Oh yeah...that guy...he seems
pretty cool...
DARIA
You wouldn't say that if you
knew....
Knew what?
DARIA
Uhh...nothing...how about I call
you when Neill comes back...?
OK, sounds like a plan....
DARIA
Bye...
(Daria hangs up)
(Neill enters)
DARIA
Hey, can
NEILL
Jane's brother...sure....he seems
like the kinda bloke who's fun to get drunk with...besides, if we get him pissed,
you may just have a shot....hey, you know where Preston's dorm is?
DARIA
NEILL
You bewdy, thanks
(Neill leaves)
DARIA
Now back to whatever it was
that I was doing...
(Phone rings)
DARIA
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hey!
DARIA
Hey, what's up?
CHRISTIE
Nothin' much, just got back
from class...you?
DARIA
Writing an article
CHRISTIE
You got the job?
DARIA
How can it be a job if I'm not
being paid for it?
CHRISTIE
I don't know....you get paid
with the respect of a journalist...
DARIA
You mean rotten tomatoes in
the street?
CHRISTIE
The very same, hey, I bet
Neill could whip something up with those...
DARIA
So...why you calling?
CHRISTIE
No reason, just wanted to
talk...
DARIA
You know, we seem to be
hanging out a lot...anything you want to tell me?
CHRISTIE
Nothing as such...
DARIA
So...How's Sandi?
CHRISTIE
I wouldn't know...
DARIA
What?
CHRISTIE
It's just that we haven't been
able to hang out together lately...with her work and my studies...it's just hard...
DARIA
Umm...hang in there?
CHRISTIE
I will, but it's really
getting annoying...anyhow, I bet you don't want to hear about my problems, I'll
see you around...
DARIA
Yeah
(Daria hangs up)
Scene III (INT, Day,
(Neill knocks on door)
GUY
Hey, it's Neill Hayden! What's
up man?!
NEILL
Do I know you?
GUY
No, but I listen to your show!
It's awesome!
NEILL
Always nice to meet a fan
mate, so, is
GUY
Yeah, sure...
(Guy goes in, and
Neill?
NEILL
Last time I checked. So,
what's up?
Just writing some tight
rhymes...
NEILL
Really?
No...so, what is this about?
NEILL
What do you want first, the
bad news or the good?
Okay...Bad
NEILL
I'm afraid you no longer have
your own show on RCR
Damn...I was actually looking
forward to that as well, so what happened?
NEILL
Randy tried to recruit
me....uh...I probably shouldn't be talking about this...
Ok......so what's the good news?
NEILL
I'm looking for a co-host...
You've got to be kidding me...
NEILL
Nah mate, I'm not...coming up
with an hour every couple of days is getting harder and harder, I need someone
there to share the load as such...
No, I mean, what the hell do
we have in common?
NEILL
What do you mean?
You're the Big Man on campus.
I am not. You're white. I am not. You're Australian. I am not
NEILL
I get your point. But that's
just it!
What?
NEILL
We're completely different!
I'm pretty sure that's not a
winning formula...
NEILL
We can either look at this in a
negative light and thus say it wouldn't work, or we can say that our
differences will complement each other...
I don't know...
NEILL
Listen, just do one show, if
it doesn't work, money back guaranteed!
What money?
NEILL
It's just a saying
Cracker
NEILL
You see, this is the type of
banter that could work!
I see you point, but you're
still a cracker
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Jane and Lucy's Dorm)
(We see Jane at her easel,
working away)
(Lucy enters)
LUCY
How's it going partner?
JANE
Pretty good Lucy, Pretty good.
LUCY
Hey, you're producing some
stuff!
JANE
Yeah
LUCY
So the assignments got better?
JANE
No, this is an
extra-curricular activity...
LUCY
Speaking of extra-curricular
activity....
JANE
Yes?
LUCY
You had that guy in our dorm
again last night...
JANE
And?
LUCY
So you got something going on
with him?
JANE
Not that I know of...
LUCY
Not according to our
neighbours....
JANE
What?
LUCY
Let's just say that you're
quite loud...and that's saying something, because they didn't know that there was
a violin in the dorm...
JANE
Well, it can't be helped (Jane
blushes)
LUCY
It probably could if you went
over to Raft...
JANE
Yes, but his roommate would
lose all respect for me
LUCY
Huh?
JANE
Don't worry...
LUCY
I almost forgot, you got a
phone call today...
JANE
Did you get a name?
LUCY
Dariuh?
JANE
Close but no cigar...
(Walks over to phone and
dials)
DARIA
Dispatch.
JANE
Yo
DARIA
Hey
JANE
You rang?
DARIA
Yes Lurch, just wondering if
you wanted to go get pizza
JANE
Sounds cool, I'll be there in
half an hour...
DARIA
Bye.
Scene V (INT, Early
Afternoon, Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Daria hangs up)
(A knock at the door)
(Daria opens)
BRAD
Hey...did I leave my pick here?
DARIA
Not that I know of...but feel
free to rummage through our personal possessions...
BRAD
Cool...
(Brad starts searching)
DARIA
Brad?
BRAD
Yo?
DARIA
I know why you left the Random
Pigeons....
(Brad looks up)
BRAD
You know what? I can always
buy a new pick....I think I'll go... (Starts to depart)
DARIA
Brad. Wait.
(Brad stops and sighs)
DARIA
It's okay
BRAD
It is?
DARIA
I know what it's like to be
tricked
BRAD
It's uncool...
DARIA
Yeah...
BRAD
So...we still friends?
DARIA
As far as I can see...
BRAD
Cool....how were you tricked?
DARIA
What?
BRAD
You said you were tricked?
DARIA
Yeah...it's half the reason I
have this stuff on...
BRAD
What?
DARIA
You know...this will make a good
article....
BRAD
What?
DARIA
Nothing, hey, I have to
go...but...yeah...I guess I'll see you around...
BRAD
Yeah...
DARIA
Oh, and Brad
BRAD
Yeah?
DARIA
You know how you liked me?
BRAD
Yeah...
DARIA
Well....
BRAD
What?
DARIA
(She pauses) Nothing Brad,
nothing.
(Daria exits)
BRAD
Now, I know I either left it here,
or behind building 2...
(Goofy grin appears on Brad's
face)
BRAD
Probably behind building 2, I
should probably go there now...
(Brad exits)
Scene VI (INT, Early
Afternoon, Christie's Dorm)
(Christie is sitting down,
studying)
(The phone rings)
(Christie answers)
CHRISTIE
Bert's Mortuary, you bring
them, we embalm them.
SANDI
Hey
CHRISTIE
Hey! Long time no see!
SANDI
Yeah, well, work...
CHRISTIE
Yeah....sure...
SANDI
I have some bad news
CHRISTIE
Batteries go up in price
again?
SANDI
No, I'm afraid I'm going to be
pretty busy with work over the next week...so...yeah...I guess we won't be seeing
much of each other...
CHRISTIE
We're not seeing that much of
each other anyhow...what's another week...?
SANDI
I know...it sucks
CHRISTIE
Yeah...it does...
SANDI
Are you okay?
CHRISTIE
Never better...
SANDI
Okay then...I'll try to call....
CHRISTIE
Sure... (Hangs up)
(Christie ponders and walks
over to dresser)
(She takes out a small piece
of paper)
(She walks back to the phone
and dials)
MAN
Hello? (American Italian
accent)
(Christie hangs up)
(Christie lies down on her bed
and looks up at the ceiling)
CHRISTIE
I'm pretty sure this isn't
healthy...
(Christie gets up and walks
out of dorm)
Scene VII (INT, late
afternoon,
(Daria and Jane sitting,
ordering Pizza)
DARIA
So then the cougar gets really
mad....
JANE
I missed this
DARIA
What?
JANE
Ordering bad pizza and
reminiscing over animal attack stories...
DARIA
So...how are classes?
JANE
Good, apart from all the learning,
the work and total lack of creativity...but apart from that, good.
DARIA
That sucks...
JANE
But I found a gallery downtown
that sells work, so I've been able to get some inspiration to create from that...
DARIA
I'm not sure if money should
inspire
JANE
Hey, it's inspired our elite
athletes for years...besides, I'm not in it for the money....
DARIA
Then what?
JANE
I guess I'm just creating
because I know I'll have an audience...
DARIA
Your inner Stacy crying for
approval?
JANE
You know me too well...
(Christie enters and sits down
next to Daria and Jane)
CHRISTIE
Hey
JANE
Hey
DARIA
Hey...
CHRISTIE
So, what are we talking about?
DARIA
When heart surgery goes wrong
CHRISTIE
Hey, Jane, does she ever talk
about puppy dogs and babies?
JANE
I thought she was about to
once, but it turns out she was just talking about the ideological corruption of
our young inherent in the Disney brand...
CHRISTIE
Groovy
DARIA
So...what are you doing here?
CHRISTIE
Just felt like some
sisterhood...
JANE
You know I'm not gay right?
CHRISTIE
Yes, for the fiftieth time,
yes...
DARIA
(Sighs) Do you want to...talk
about it?
CHRISTIE
Not really, I just want to eat
Pizza, and not worry about my figure, I want to drink soda and not worry about
breakouts. I want to not worry about reasons behind certain things...
JANE
Umm...neat?
CHRISTIE
But enough about me, met any
cute guys Jane?
JANE
Uhh...