THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE (SERIES TWO): A
Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 16
THE
SWEDE AND THE GRAPEFRUIT
(Daria tries out for the
campus paper, while Jane suffers burn-out as a result of her academic life)
Scene I (INT, Morning,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Daria walks into kitchen to
see Neill preparing breakfast)
DARIA
Neill? Why are you here so
early? Shouldn't you be trying to sleep with the collective student body?
NEILL
Probably, I just don't feel
like it today, so I thought I'd sleep in
DARIA
Its
NEILL
That is sleeping in for a farm boy
DARIA
What are you making?
NEILL
Cornflakes (holds up
cornflakes), Beer (Hold up Beer), Beer flakes.
DARIA
Beer flakes?
(Neill pours beer into cereal
bowl)
NEILL
The breakfast of champions!
DARIA
And the cirrhosis of the liver
NEILL
Whatever, hey, what are you
doing up so early? Shouldn't you still be dreaming of your fiery revenge or
something emo like that?
DARIA
Nah, I have a creative writing
assignment to start, and I woke up with an idea.
NEILL
Let me guess. Is it a story of
a young stud, possibly from an exotic land, who by day is a legendary Casanova,
but by night, is an even more legendary Casanova?
DARIA
Yes, I call it 'Delusions of a
Heat Stroke Victim'
NEILL
Harsh....
(Daria leaves)
A FEW
HOURS LATER
(Daria is sitting at the
computer, typing)
(There is a knock at the door)
(Daria opens it)
CHRISTIE
Hey
DARIA
Hey
CHRISTIE
Can I come in?
DARIA
Depends, do you have the
weapon?
CHRISTIE
Weapon?
DARIA
Sorry, wrong dictator...
(Christie enters)
CHRISTIE
So...what's up?
DARIA
Just plotting the demise of
our government
CHRISTIE
Cool. Listen, Sandi and I have
a break today, so we were thinking if its okay with Jane, we could all meet up
for lunch somewhere...
DARIA
I got class at 2, but I think
I can swing it...I'll have to call Jane though... Hey, if you two have the day off,
shouldn't you....you know....
CHRISTIE
Be in the throes of passion?
DARIA
Uh...yeah
CHRISTIE
Well, we would but do you know
the price of batteries these days?....
(Daria looks awkward)
CHRISTIE
Okay, change of topic....so,
what are you really doing?
DARIA
Writing something for class
CHRISTIE
Cool....can I look?
DARIA
I don't know...
CHRISTIE
I'm a biology major, I get
impressed by any sort of writing....
DARIA
Well, when you put it like that....
CHRISTIE
Too late! (Christie reading
screen)...hmm...'Confessions of a Pyromaniac'.....good title
DARIA
Yeah
(Christie continues to read)
CHRISTIE
Wow...this is good, you should
write for the campus paper...
DARIA
But that would involve
voluntary extra-curricular activity...and that would result in the collapse of
the universe as we know it...
CHRISTIE
You should...we should probably
have more than one person in our little clique controlling the masses...
DARIA
What do you mean?
(Neill enters)
NEILL
Man, I could really go for
some beer flakes right about now...
DARIA
I can see your point
Scene II (INT, Day,
(Christie, Daria, Sandi and
Jane in '
SANDI
I hear this place has the
worst Pizza in
CHRISTIE
So, Jane, how go the classes?
JANE
They're going so damn well
that I'm thinking about taking out the dean's office....hey Daria, do you know
where I can get some plutonium in this town?
DARIA
Hey, if I knew that, you'd all
be dead by now, and I'd be cackling from my fortress of doom
CHRISTIE
Freshman life got you down?
JANE
Yeah, it's just a lot of
theory...you know, impressionism, cubism, Dadaism and a few other isms that I didn't
know even existed...but I ,in my naïveté, thought that going to art school, that
maybe, just maybe, I'd get to produce some art!
CHRISTIE
Give it time, you're in first
semester freshman year, they like to test you to see if you drop out or not.
Then they'll give you some fun stuff to do, before systematically trying to
make you cry for your mommy.
SANDI
Thank God I dropped out...now I
just have to put up with grown men crying during my shift
JANE
It's not all bad though...the
lasagne is marginally better than the stuff in
DARIA
A doorstop is marginally
better than the lasagne in
CHRISTIE
So, how's your roommate
working out? I remember my first roommate, insisted that she play whale songs
to get to sleep. Of course, while she was asleep, I changed the cassette to the
Starr report on tape...good times. True story, she now works in a Senators
office...
JANE
I can see how you and Daria
get along....my roommates cool, very quiet
SANDI
The Holy Grail eh?
CHRISTIE
The quiet roommate...
(Steve and a couple of other
guys enter)
CHRISTIE
This can only end in hilarity...or
stupidity. The two are interchangeable
(Steve walks across to their
table)
STEVE
So, baby....what's up?
SANDI
Isn't the lad so eloquent?
STEVE
So this chick's the one you're
going around with now huh? (Referring to Sandi)
CHRISTIE
I guess so
STEVE
How about you baby? (Referring
to Jane) you into men?
JANE
Men? Sure.
STEVE
How would you like the time of
your life baby?
JANE
I said men, not boys...
(Cry of 'Burn!' comes from the
other guys)
DARIA
You know, this behavioural
pattern is just the example I need to complete my repressed homosexuality
paper, tell me young man, have you seen
(Steve looks awkward and
leaves)
SANDI
There is much promise in this
young one
CHRISTIE
Yes, the force is strong with
this one...imagine if she wrote for the campus paper!
JANE
You, Daria Morgandorffer...Are
thinking of doing something extra-curricular? The Gods have gone mad I tell ye!
DARIA
Christie's thinking, I'm
ignoring
CHRISTIE
C'mon Daria! Don't you have
the urge to take down the man?
DARIA
I'm working in acquiring the
plutonium...
(The group look around)
SANDI
Wow, I'm surprised we haven't
been arrested yet...
CHRISTIE
You should write for the paper,
could look good on your resume...
DARIA
Because these days, 4 years of
hard work aren't enough to get noticed...
JANE
That's our girl, always
willing to try new things...
CHRISTIE
Fine Daria, give me one
reason, apart from apathy why you won't write for the paper...
(Daria attempts to retort, but
can not come up with anything)
CHRISTIE
Yeah, that's what I thought!
Scene III (INT, Late
afternoon, Brad's Dorm)
(Brad and Neill are in the
kitchen)
BRAD
Dude, beer flakes rock!
NEILL
See? Breakfast of champions...
BRAD
Dude, it's like 1 in the
afternoon...
NEILL
It wasn't really meant as
accurate reflection of time there buddy...
BRAD
Cool
NEILL
So, how go the classes Bazza?
BRAD
This semester, pretty good.
Lots of creative writing...now that I can do
NEILL
So Daria won't be your tutor
anymore?
BRAD
Guess not...
NEILL
Disappointed?
BRAD
Kinda, it's like, she taught
me all this new stuff, and made me feel good because I could learn all this new
stuff. Before, I thought I was going to crash and burn, and end up playing on
the subway for the rest of my life....
NEILL
Still can. I've seen plenty of
buskers with college degrees...although they were philosophy majors....
Scene IV (INT, Early
evening, Raft Newspaper building)
(Daria and Christie approach a
building, with Christie pushing Daria all the while)
CHRISTIE
Go on, what have you got to
lose?
DARIA
My dignity?
CHRISTIE
What dignity?
DARIA
My Soul?
CHRISTIE
Come now Daria, we both know
you lost that a fair while ago...
DARIA
Damn you....
(They walk into the building)
(Inside is a busy office, your
typical paper office, people running around like headless chooks, that sort of
thing)
(Daria and Christie walk up to
reception)
RECEPTIONIST
Yes?
CHRISTIE
My friend here would like to become
a staff writer
RECEPTIONIST
Any experience?
DARIA
No. Oh well, this was a bad
idea, let's go...
(Daria starts to walk off)
CHRISTIE
Wait, she's a lit student...
RECPETIONIST
Why didn't you tell me miss....?
CHRISTIE
Morgandorffer, Daria
Morgandorffer.
(Receptionist types on
keyboard)
DARIA
If they find out about all
those bombings, I'm blaming you...
RECPETIONIST
Wow! Nice G.P.A! Not usual for
a freshman, I'll tell you what, I'll take you into Harry's office, he'll
decide.
(The receptionist leads them
off)
(Receptionist knocks on door)
HARRY
(On phone) How the hell is
that possible!? He said what!? When!? Can we still salvage this? ARRRGGGHHHH!
Fine! Just do what you can!
RECEPTIONIST
Harry? We have a potential
staff writer here
HARRY
Show them in...
(Daria and Christie enter)
HARRY
Now, I'm pretty sure
CHRISTIE
My comrade here...
HARRY
Hey, do I know you from
somewhere?
CHRISTIE
Unless you happened to
participate in the campus luge championships, then no...
HARRY
Hey you're the campus
les.....uhh...so you wanted to apply? (To Daria)
DARIA
Sure, seems a waste of a trip
otherwise...
HARRY
Just let me get your detail
miss....
DARIA
Morgandorffer...
(Harry types)
HARRY
Impressive...and you have no
experience?
DARIA
None that I know of...
HARRY
I tell you what....go to the
Random Pigeon gig tonight, get 200 words on my desk first thing tomorrow. Now
Brad Lee quit for some reason, try to see if you can find out what that reason
is....
DARIA
Ok...I guess...
HARRY
Then I'll see you nice and
early tomorrow....
(Phone rings and Harry picks
up)
HARRY
Got to take this...
(Daria and Christie leave)
HARRY
I don't care if it's unethical
or indeed illegal, just get me that story!
Scene V (INT, Early evening, Jane's Dorm)
(Jane sitting at computer in
dorm, typing away)
JANE
I swear,
if I see that paperclip one more time, I'm going to kill somebody...
(Lucy enters)
LUCY
Hi Jane, do you mind if I
practice in here?
JANE
If you don't mind me
threatening Bill Gates loudly...
LUCY
I guess that's alright.....
(Lucy sets up violin, and
starts to play)
JANE
Wow, that's really good
LUCY
Thanks, it's one of my own
compositions...
JANE
I wish I had to create some
stuff....
LUCY
Oh yeah, I heard about
that...bummer...hey, who was that guy in here a couple of nights ago?
JANE
Who? Neill? A friend.
LUCY
So you don't mind if I put the
moves on him?
JANE
Are you even the type to put
moves on anybody?
LUCY
Hey! I can be sexy when I want
to...believe me
JANE
I'm sure you can...
LUCY
The guys go wild for a
redhead...
JANE
Actually, that does make
sense...it would explain why Quinn was able to control the boys without going to
second base....
LUCY
What?
JANE
Nothing...
LUCY
So you and this guy have nothing
going on?
JANE
Neill's a cool guy...that's it.
LUCY
Because I felt some energy
between you two, and you did say that you were going out with him again
tonight...
JANE
Yeah...aren't I allowed to have
a friend of the opposite sex?
LUCY
I guess so...
JANE
Besides, we both know there's
nowhere to go....
(Lucy picks up photos)
LUCY
Nice photos, nice
composition....assignment?
JANE
No, holiday snaps
LUCY
I love the light level in
this....
JANE
Well good for you....you want a
copy?
LUCY
Yeah...
JANE
I'll get some for you
tonight....
LUCY
Wait...that guy took these?
JANE
Yes...
LUCY
I didn't know he was a
photography student....
JANE
He isn't, he does economics...
(Confused)
Scene VI (INT, night,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
CHRISTIE
Anyhow, it should be really
easy to get the information; after all, you tutor Brad Lee
DARIA
Well you do have a point...
CHRISTIE
Of course I do, I'm just good.
DARIA
I'm not sure about this whole
writing for the paper thing...it makes me feel dirty...
CHRISTIE
The good kind of dirty?
DARIA
The bad kind
CHRISTIE
What is there not to love? You
control all the sycophants with the power of your words, I pull the strings
behind the scenes, and together we can take over Raft. Then we can finally get
rid of that damn bell tower!
DARIA
Wouldn't the shop lose
business if there wasn't a stop on the campus tour nearby?
CHRISTIE
Hmm...I guess. I haven't thought
this through have I?
DARIA
It's just afraid that if I
write for the damn paper, then I'll find it's controlled by the campus, and I don't
know, I guess I'd want to be my own voice
CHRISTIE
It probably is controlled by
the administration, which means you'll have to fight for everything, fight for
your right to be heard on the issues!
DARIA
What would you know about not
being heard?
CHRISTIE
When a woman loves another
woman....
DARIA
Point taken
(Brad enters)
BRAD
Hey ladies, have any of you
seen my pick?
CHRISTIE
Have you checked behind
building 2?
BRAD
Behind building 2? Oh
yeah....good times.....
DARIA
Brad, can I ask you something?
BRAD
You? Sure
DARIA
Why did you leave the Random
Pigeons?
BRAD
Uhh.....no reason....I just felt
like the group...uhh...was like...stifling my creativity....yeah....you know what? I
think I did leave it behind building 2.....bye!
(Brad makes a hasty exit)
CHRISTIE
Well, we have to go to that
gig now!
DARIA
No we don't, the band were
quite clearly stifling his creativity...there's uhh....nothing else to this story
CHRISTIE
He leaves at the peak of their
popularity? I can't seriously see you believing his story, or do you have other
interests in this story?
DARIA
No...
CHRISTIE
Then I can't see any reason
why we don't go to the Pimento, do a little research...
DARIA
Damn you...
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah, who's my bitch! That's
right...you are! Actually, that's quite awkward; I'll just be quiet now
DARIA
Good plan.
Scene VII (INT, Night,
McBride's Bar)
NEILL
So...anyhow, that's how you make
beer flakes
JANE
Fascinating stuff
SANDI
Who would have thought that
making beer flakes involved temperature control?
NEILL
Oh yeah, it's a very
scientific process....
JANE
Speaking of processes, do you
have the negatives of those photo's you took of Daria?
NEILL
Probably...why?
JANE
My roommate wants one
SANDI
She an admirer of the female
form?
JANE
Lucy? I doubt it...she was quite
adamant that she liked guys...
NEILL
And yet she wants the photo's...
JANE
Says she admires the shots for
their artistic qualities....
NEILL
I'm sure she does...
SANDI
Sounds like she's admiring
other qualities....
JANE
Shouldn't you be serving
people?
SANDI
I could be, but it's been a
slow night...
(Jane sighs)
NEILL
What's got you blue spunky?
JANE
I've been writing about art so
much that I have no inspiration to create
any art
SANDI
Damn, that must suck
NEILL
Like this guy about to right
here... (Referring to guy at other end of bar)
JANE
What do you mean?
NEILL
Observe young apprentice,
Sandi, what did that guy order that girl over there?
SANDI
I believe it was a beer
NEILL
You see, when you order a
drink at the bar for a chick, you make it something that chicks will like, like
some sort of sugary watered down crap, like a slippery nipple, Midori, or if
you're in my neck of the woods, a fluffy duck.
SANDI
Hmm, you have a point
NEILL
And now watch as the girl
receives the beer. Look at the expression on her face; she's kinda bemused by
it all. She can't tell whether or not she's been cracked onto, or if this is
some sort of joke.
JANE
You're good at this
NEILL
It's what I do. No