THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
SPECIAL NUMBER ONE
A
GIRL CALLED DARLENE
(Daria heads down
under for a trip, and we learn about the challenges facing Neill)
Scene I (INT/EXT, Day,
Airport/Parking lot)
(Daria and Neill step off
plane)
NEILL
I love a sunburnt country
DARIA
And I love my countries to be
a milky white
NEILL
C'mon, Dezza will be waiting
for us
DARIA
Dezza? God I hope that isn't
his real name
NEILL
Nah, its Desmond. But if you
were called Desmond you'd want to cover it up right?
DARIA
Good point
(They walk to the entrance,
where the doors open, Neill continues to walk, but Daria stops in her tracks)
NEILL
Is everything alright Daria?
DARIA
Heat...
NEILL
Ahh....you just got hit by a wall
of flame eh?
DARIA
What is it? 110?
NEILL
There about...now you know how I
felt when I stepped off the plane...
DARIA
But it isn't 110 in
NEILL
No...it's not
DARIA
Oh...
NEILL
Yeah, I thought I was going to
die...C'mon, there'll be plenty of time for whinging later...
(They walk to the parking lot,
where a man in Jeans and a white shirt is standing in front of a Ute)
NEILL
Dezza!
DEZZA
Killer!
DARIA
Killer?
DEZZA
You must be Dazza!
DARIA
Excuse me?
NEILL
Dazza's your name in Ozzie
DEZZA
Hows it going Dazza?
DARIA
Apart from entering an
inferno, I can't complain
DEZZA
Don't you just love the heat?
DARIA
Like banging my head against a
wooden block
NEILL
You see, we Ozzies are proud of
the fact that our weather is hot in summer. It's just the way we are, for
example, we are proud of the fact that 8 out of the 10 most venomous snakes on
the planet are found here...
DARIA
You people find the weirdest
things to be proud of
NEILL
You know it luv
DEZZA
C'mon youse two, we better get
going if we want to reach the station by tomorrow
DARIA
Station?
NEILL
Yeah, we're going to the
outback, were staying at Hayden Station
DARIA
Goody
NEILL
Don't worry, there'll be no
farmhand work for you...Shannaz is up there taking the work
DARIA
Shannaz?
NEILL
My brother Shannon
DARIA
Oh
DEZZA
Holds the record for drinking
the most in 10 minutes...tell you what though, Killer here gave him a fairly good
shake...
NEILL
Well, there's no shame in losing
to Shannaz....the man's a freak...
Scene II (EXT, Night,
Outback)
DARIA
Sorry If I'm being rude, but
how far is it to this farm?
DEZZA
No worries Dazza, still about
300 Kilometres...we'll be there by morning
DARIA
So we're driving through the
night?
NEILL
Not quite, we're going to stop
somewhere
DARIA
Oh...there's a motel near here
DEZZA
There's a motel all around us
NEILL
And this motel has the best
lights you've ever seen...
DARIA
Wait....we're camping tonight
aren't we?
DEZZA
Bang on the money
NEILL
Don't worry Daria, she'll be
right.
DARIA
You know, you say that a lot.
If I remember correctly you said that about the Double D twins
NEILL
Hope and Harmony?
DARIA
Yeah
NEILL
I think given the distance of
half the world, they'll calm down...
DEZZA
I have a ripper of an idea,
let's make an early night of it....
(Dezza pulls over to bare
land)
(They all get out)
DEZZA
Right Killer, you and Dazza go
get some firewood, while I set up the tent
(Neill and Daria start to walk
off)
DEZZA
Hang on mate, you'd better
take the shottie with you
DARIA
Shottie?
(Neill walks over to back of
Ute and picks up shotgun)
DARIA
We need a gun to find
firewood?
NEILL
I know you don't like guns,
but there are dingoes and feral dogs in these parts, so it's a necessary evil.
DARIA
Oh...(uncomfortable
with the gun)
NEILL
You want to hold the shottie?
DARIA
What? No!
DEZZA
Go on Dazza...hold the shottie
DARIA
No thank you, I'm dangerous
with a sponge, let alone a lethal weapon
(Dezza and Neill laugh)
NEILL
Let's go before it gets too
dark out.
(Skip time to see Neill, Daria
and Dezza sitting around a fire)
DEZZA
So, Dazza, what's our boy been
up to?
DARIA
Well, what do you know?
DEZZA
Well, he's got some sort of
radio gig, he rooted sisters and paid for it and he's got a sweet root planned
for....
(Neill silently telling Dezza
to shut up)
DARIA
Well, that sounds about right...
(Yawns)
NEILL
Tired?
DARIA
Kinda
DEZZA
Well you go to bed while me and Killer take watch
DARIA
Sounds like a plan
(Skip time to see Daria asleep
to be awoken by a dingo howling)
FROM OUTSIDE
Neill: Sounded like it was
about a kilometre away, we'll be right
Dezza: Yeah, she'll be right
Neill: I only hope it didn't
wake up Daria...
(Daria puts head back on
pillow, and listens)
FROM OUTSIDE
Dezza: So, got something on
the go with this Dazza chick?
Neill: Nah mate, it's not like
that...
Dezza: I bet it isn't mate...
Neill: What are you implying
Dezza?
Dezza: Well, it does seem pretty
weird you bringing home a girl to meet Dad if you don't plan to root her
Neill: I'm not planning to
take her home to Dad as such, I'm just repaying some hospitality...
Dezza: Sure you are mate.
(Later, wee see Daria tossing
and turning, unable to get to sleep in the heat, so she wakes up to hear Neill
and Dezza talking again)
FROM OUTSIDE
Neill: It's like; I can't get
her out of my head you know?
Dezza: You going soft on me?
Neill: Don't think so, but I
haven't had a root about a month
Dezza: Stone the Crows! A
month! She really does have you rattled eh?
Neill: Yeah, she does, there's
just something about her I can't place
Dezza: So you got a plan?
Neill: Yeah, but the more I
think about it, the more I don't want to do it...I mean...she deserves better you
know?
(Daria wakes up in horror)
NEILL
You want to get some sleep
mate; I've got some thinking to do anyhow...
DEZZA
Probably should, seeing as I'm
driving
(Dezza goes to sleep in the
Ute)
Scene III (EXT, Day,
Hayden Station/ Stable)
(Daria, Dezza and Neill pull
into the station)
NEILL
Home sweet Home!
(They pull up to the
homestead)
(A man comes to greet them)
NEILL
Shannaz you bastard, how's it
going?
SHANNAZ
Can't complain...
NEILL
Oh yeah, Daria, Shannaz,
Shannaz, Daria
DARIA
Hey
SHANNAZ
Nice accent
NEILL
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you
Daria, you know how my accent helps me pick up in the States?
DARIA
Yes...all too vividly
NEILL
Well, it works in reverse as
well
DARIA
Oh God....
NEILL
Dezza, you think you could take
the bags while I take Daria to see the girls?
DEZZA
Sure
(Neill and Daria walk to a
stable)
NEILL
And this is where we keep the
fillies and mares
DARIA
You breed horses?
MAN
The finest in
NEILL
Dad, how's it going?
DAD
Can't complain....you must be
Daria...welcome to the country
DARIA
Thanks...nice to meet you...
DAD
No worries
NEILL
Dad? How long has
DAD
Due to give birth any day now...
NEILL
Won any group one's while I
was away?
DAD
Nah, but we got high hopes for
the foal
NEILL
How's the mother
doing...generally?
DAD
Pretty well...
DARIA
Are all these horses yours Mr
Hayden?
DAD
Yep, all except
DARIA
Ahh, I knew there was a reason
he was so concerned about the health of the animal...I knew it stemmed out of a
selfless concern...
(Neill chuckles)
NEILL
Anyway, let's get you set up
with a room Daria
DARIA
Sounds like a plan
(They walk off, while the
father inspects the horses)
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Daria's Room)
(Neill and Daria walk into a
room, decorated in a Victorian style)
DARIA
Wow...it's beautiful
NEILL
Nothing but the best for Miss
Daria
DARIA
I feel as if Mr Darcy is going
to come in soon
(They both look to door, and
to nobody's surprise, nothing happened)
DARIA
Well I guess I haven't lost
all contact with reality
NEILL
Contact...oh yeah...there's a
separate line phone in here, so you can call out without being disturbed by
us...feel free to call your folks or whatever...hey, how you going
temperature-wise?
DARIA
What? Neill? Is that you? I
thought I was hallucinating due to the heat....
NEILL
Because we'll go down to the
lake later for a quick dip if you want...
DARIA
Jane paid you for a picture of
me in a bikini didn't she?
NEILL
Yep, anyhow, I've got to go
make a phone call, so get comfortable...
(Neill exits)
(Daria tries the phone)
DARIA
Huh, that's weird, Jane's
phone is engaged.....well I could....
(Daria dials some more
numbers)
HELEN
Hello, I'll have those
depositions by Monday
DARIA
Well that's a relief; I
thought the case was looking shaky before you turned up...
HELEN
Daria!
DARIA
Last time I checked
HELEN
How's
DARIA
Hot. I can't believe you arranged
a passport for me...
HELEN
Well when Neill called us
about his plan, naturally we jumped at the chance to do something special for
our little girl...after Neill explained to your father that he was paying for the
tickets...
DARIA
Of course...so...how are...things?
HELEN
Well I'm keeping busy...
DARIA
Halliburton spill some oil?
HELEN
Your father...he....lost another
client
DARIA
That's the thing about ranting
about your father, it scares off people
HELEN
And Quinn is doing
surprisingly well in School...
DARIA
'Surprisingly'? And here I
thought you had faith in both of our abilities
HELEN
She got an A on an essay
DARIA
Hmm...
HELEN
What is it?
DARIA
It seems now I'm south of the
equator, everything north of it seems backward...anyhow, I've
got to go...
(Neill in background, packing
bag)
HELEN
OK, well don't forget to take
lots of pictures...we'll see you in a week
DARIA
Yeah (hangs up) I think I'll
try Jane again
(Dials number)
JANE
Damn you're eager, I just spoke
to you and a mere 5 seconds ago and yet you come back for more...
DARIA
Jane?
JANE
Uhh...Daria! How's the trip?
DARIA
Hot. What was that all about?
JANE
What...nothing....
DARIA
Whatever...how could you get
30,000 and not tell me?
JANE
Would've ruined the
surprise....you know me...I love a good surprise, as long as I'm not the one being
surprised
DARIA
I thought a dinner party in
the middle of the woods had an artistic quality to it...I knew Neill wouldn't
think of that...
JANE
You underestimate our boy, he
is an artist deep down I think....we talk...besides...he would've done something
grand if he had the money
DARIA
So...what are you going to do
with the money?
JANE
Tuition fees and art supplies
DARIA
How much do glue guns cost
these days?
JANE
Surprisingly expensive...anyhow,
I've got to go...I've had enough calls from south of the equator for one day...
DARIA
What?
JANE
Nothing...bye!
(Jane hangs up)
(Neill enters)
NEILL
So did you want to go for a
swim?
DARIA
Got any air-con?
NEILL
Nah
DARIA
Swim it is
(Neill throws Daria a helmet)
DARIA
We're travelling by cannonball?
NEILL
Not quite (puts on akubra)
Scene V (EXT, Late
Day, Stable)
DARIA
Oh no...I don't do horses
NEILL
You'll be right mate...you've
got a helmet...
DARIA
I am not riding a horse
NEILL
Bet you said that you'd never
wear contacts a long time ago, and here you are....do you regret that decision?
DARIA
Apart from the itching? No...I
suppose not
NEILL
Good...you can have blackie
(Daria looks at black horse)
DARIA
You people are so inventive
with your names
NEILL
You know it luv (he whistles,
and blackie comes over)
DARIA
These things are bigger in
real life
NEILL
Scared?
DARIA
Of the horse, no, of the fall,
yes
NEILL
You can't be scared, or the
horse won't respect you...let's get you up there
(Neill helps Daria get up on
the horse)
NEILL
Don't worry, I'll lead so
blackie will pretty much follow (gets up on a white horse)
DARIA
(On horse) giddup?
NEILL
Blackie won't respond to that...you've
got to use more authority...and show no fear...if you're worried, then the horse
gets worried, and would you want to carry a worried person on your back?
DARIA
I wouldn't want to carry
anyone on my back
NEILL
You know what I mean...
DARIA
Giddup or I'll sue you?
NEILL
You can do better than that...
DARIA
(Sighs) Go on! Giddup!
(Blackie breaks into a trot)
(Daria looks very concerned)
NEILL
No fear!
(Daria re-adjusts)
NEILL
Go on Sugar...
(Sugar begins a fast trot in
front of blackie)
Scene VI (EXT, Early
evening, Creek)
(Daria and Neill pull up to a
creek)
NEILL
Back off sugar
(Sugar stops, and blackie
does, responding to Sugar)
DARIA
(Regarding creek)...wow...it's
beautiful
NEILL
Nice spot isn't it? (Gets off
horse with ease)
(Daria falls of horse trying
to dismount)
(Neill laughs)
DARIA
That's not funny!
NEILL
Yes it is! (Full blown laugh)
where's a video camera when you need one?
DARIA
I will kill you, and feed you
to the horses
NEILL
Okay Okay Daria, take a joke....(Ties up horses)...here (throws Daria backpack)
DARIA
What is it?
NEILL
You're bathing suits in there
DARIA
Oh....(looks
around)
NEILL
There are no changing rooms,
just the bush
DARIA
Oh...(blushes)
NEILL
Don't worry, I wont look,
besides, I've already seen the merchandise
(Daria gives Neill an evil
look)
NEILL
What?
(Daria walks off)
(Skip time, Daria and Neill
are at waters edge, Daria in her green bikini, Neill in white board shorts)
NEILL
Oh, I almost forgot...(takes photo of Daria)...don't look at me, Jane wanted the
picture...
DARIA
You just made the list...
NEILL
I'm jumping off those rocks
over there....want to come?
(Daria regards cliff face over
water)
DARIA
No...I'll be just fine here....
NEILL
Okay, but if you want to go
for a swim...in the cool, refreshing water...you know where I am...
DARIA
Damn you...
(They both walk onto natural
platform, while Daria looks down)
DARIA
You know what, I think I left
my glasses back at the station...(starts to walk away, when
Neill grabs her)
NEILL
I'm surprised that you don't
want to take a leap of faith Daria!
DARIA
Damn you Hayden...
NEILL