THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown Series
PASSING
(Daria finds herself
confronted with the adult world, while Christie comes to a resolution about her
estranged father)
Scene I (Int, Night,
Pimento)
(Brad is backstage, warming up
with the other members of the Random Pigeons; he looks out from behind the
curtains to find a swelling crowd)
KEYBOADRER
Looks like that convict is
good for something after all
BRAD
What?....yeah....big crowd....
KEYBOARDER
Mate, everything alright? You
seem a bit distracted....
BRAD
Yeah, I'm cool, just looking
for my friends....
(Camera switches to the Randy
Goat, on stage)
RANDY
Well folks, in association
with the Pimento, and RCR, we are proud to present RCR's most played band, give
it up for The Random Pigeons!
(The 5 members of the RP come
onto the stage, to riotous applause)
(Brad walks up to the mic)
BRAD
Hey, we're the Random Pigeons,
thanks for coming out tonight. Tonight, we debut a new song, "My Post Modern
girl with the Mona Lisa smile", cool...not much else left to say....(looks over
crowd)......oh yeah, don't forget to pick up our album at the door.
(Band start playing, but Brad
still scans the crowd)
Scene II (Ext,
Morning,
(Christie gets out of a taxi,
near a picturesque lake)
CHRISTIE
Thanks.
(She looks around at the lake,
and then goes to the waters edge, and starts to skim stones, all the while
pondering a weighty issue)
(A girl about Christie's age
approaches)
GIRL
I guess some habits die hard.
(Christie turns around)
CHRISTIE
Now that's a voice I haven't
heard in a while
GIRL
And that's a face I haven't
seen around here in a while
CHRISTIE
Yeah, well, you know. I just
had to get out of here. So how have you been?
GIRL
Oh you know, all the trials
and tribulations of being a gay girl in a small American town.
CHRISTIE
I still don't understand why
you stayed, I mean, after they discovered us...you know...
GIRL
Hard to forget. Well, I guess
that I had to stare my demons down, you know? So, what are you doing back in
town?
CHRISTIE
Staring my demons down, but
the demons are much too large, how do you do it?
GIRL
I get the stares, I get the
cold shoulders, I get the warm beer at the bar, but I get by.
CHRISTIE
How?
GIRL
Because that's what being out
and proud means. Being able to live your life. You can't expect unconditional
acceptance, because I don't think that will happen in our lifetimes, being out
and proud means being able to block out all the negativity, and to just live
your life.
CHRISTIE
I wish it were that simple in
my life, being gay has lost me the love of a father.
GIRL
Really? You could have fooled
me.
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
GIRL
He still speaks about you
CHRISTIE
On the evils of being gay?
GIRL
No, he gives the town updates
about how you're doing at Raft, it's not just your mom who reads those letters.
He tells us, but there is a tinge of regret in his voice.
CHRISTIE
The regret of having a gay,
adopted daughter?
GIRL
No, I think its something
else. If you're so concerned about your parents, why didn't you ever try to
look up your natural parents?
CHRISTIE
Because they abandoned me...I
guess that's why this hurts so much, being abandoned...again...
GIRL
Maybe I shouldn't be the one
you should be telling this to
CHRISTIE
Perhaps, in time...
GIRL
So, got a special someone at
Raft?
CHRISTIE
Actually, yes....surprisingly, I
thought I was the only gay woman in
GIRL
Oh....ok then....(looks
down at feet)
CHRISTIE
You know...you'll always be my
first, and there's nobody that can take that away...
GIRL
I know...it's just that...
CHRISTIE
Talking about it still
painful?
GIRL
I guess....
CHRISTIE
Well, let's not talk, let's
just sit here skimming stones...whiling away our youth...
(Christie and girl start
skimming stones)
Scene III (Int, Day,
Pizza King)
JANE
So, Neill, what do you think
of our national dish?
NEILL
That is just god awful....how do
you girls eat this stuff?
DARIA
Hey, we don't mock your
national dish
NEILL
You can't mock beer, its above
reproach.
JANE
So, you two crazy kids, tell
me all about college life
DARIA
Well, the administration's
corrupt, they have us renting our dorms for the tax break, and the work is
equivalent to what a small rodent could do......blindfolded
NEILL
Not to mention the parties
JANE
I bet you get invited to all
the parties, don't you Mr Football Stud?
NEILL
You know it spunky
DARIA
I think I'll go to the
bathroom to powder my nose, and then throw up
JANE
Okay then, don't hurry back
(Daria leaves)
NEILL
Any chance of a root? Or is
this just to piss off Daria?
JANE
I assume a 'root' is me having
sex with you, and to 'piss off' means embarrass the hell out of, so no, and yes
NEILL
Damn
JANE
It's not you, I'm just
waiting...that's all
NEILL
One of those, no sex-until
marriage girls eh?
JANE
No, just no sex until 11AM
moving day
NEILL
Maybe I'll come back then....
JANE
I'd like that....so.....this is
our chance to swap Intel on Daria
NEILL
Cool, I'll need some
background into Daria's ex, and why she always seems so damn confused about
everything.
JANE
And I'll be needing info on
this 'Brad' guy, and this friend Daria has
NEILL
Well, Brad, what can I say,
musician, a few bricks short of a wall, but a good bloke. Christie, smart,
funny, hot, she and Daria are really good friends.
JANE
Sounds like you have a crush
on this Christie girl
NEILL
Well, in all honesty, yeah, I
do, but she's gay so....
JANE
Gay?
NEILL
Yeah, freak you out? Oh, by
'good friends', I actually mean good friends, Christie has a girlfriend.
JANE
Oh, it's not that, it's just
that the whole gay thing....I've had some bad experiences
NEILL
Hang on, just let me picture
this 'bad experience'....hmmmm....nice....leather or lace?
(Jane kicks Neill under the
table)
NEILL
Ow! Ok, spunky, your
turn.
JANE
Well, Tom is Tom. He's a
really caring guy, who shares Daria's love of heady literature and films I
can't possibly understand, probably why they hooked up, me and Tom never got
along after the first couple of months.....
NEILL
Hold up. So this Tom and you
dated before Tom and Daria did?
JANE
Yes
NEILL
And then he decides to see
Daria?
JANE
Well, it didn't exactly go
down like that...
NEILL
What do you mean?
JANE
He kind of left me...for her
NEILL
What!?!!??!! Daria stole him
from you!!! Daria!??!! This is Gold!!! We're talking about the same girl here
right?
JANE
No, it wasn't like that.... It
kinda just happened; I don't think anyone planned it...
NEILL
Oh...(calming
down) I think I get it
JANE
Yeah...our friendship was tested
after that....it all worked out in the end though, they did always make a better
couple then Tom and I ever were...
NEILL
Okay, and what about the
indecisiveness?
JANE
I think she just wants to
change herself. I think a few things happened to her, and she decided that
people weren't so bad after all...
NEILL
You mean,
she was even more anti-social than she is now?
JANE
Hey! She's trying her best
okay!?
NEILL
Sorry, but I have nothing to
compare with, and I'm from a really friendly country, so she just seems really
distant and reserved, but I can see where she's making an effort in
hindsight...would explain the confusion to certain situations...oh god....I think
when I saw her in the duff, wow....that takes strength...I'm surprised she didn't
leave...
JANE
You what?
(Daria returns)
DARIA
So, what are you kids talking
about?
JANE
Umm...football....
DARIA
You?
JANE
Yeah, I was saying that we'd
go his game, be his own personal cheer section
DARIA
You go, I've already been to
one football game this season....
JANE
You went to a football game?
DARIA
Yes, and it was painful
experience for all concerned
NEILL
Yeah, that game is damn
boring. I mean, I can see how the hits may be exciting, but then you stop every
minute and replace the side when you're defending, I mean, you should be able
to play for 80 minutes....there's no flow to the game...
JANE
Wait, you play football and
you don't even like the game?
NEILL
Cheerleaders
JANE
Have you met
Scene IV (Int, Day,
Christie's childhood home)
(Christie approaches a door,
in the middle of suburbia and knocks)
FATHER
Oh. Hello...Martha told me you
were coming
CHRISTIE
Mom did always know me best
(Christie enters)
CHRISTIE
I think we need to talk
FATHER
Yes, we do.
CHRISTIE
I'm just going to put this out
there, and then the ball will be in your court. I miss you. Being gay is not a
direct result of your parental neglect or anything like that...
FATHER
Then why? We raised you right.
We raised you according to good, decent morals.
CHRISTIE
I don't know why. Nobody can
pinpoint a reason why they are heterosexual or homosexual, they just are,
there's no changing that. I won't lie, I don't agree with your morals, or your
occupation, but my being gay isn't a rejection of those morals....it isn't a
conscious thing...it just is....I'm not explaining myself very well...
FATHER
Well, I can't pretend to agree
with you or your lifestyle, but I think I can see where you're coming from. I
think that I was just set in my ways. I thought you were betraying me. It hurt
to have my little girl betray me like that....or so I thought. You know, you
imagine being the father of the bride at your little girls wedding.....then she
comes home and announces something that shatters all your hopes and dreams....it
hurts....
CHRISTIE
I guess I never thought of it
like that...I thought your opposition was just you being a good Christian
FATHER
Oh, I don't agree with your
lifestyle, I still don't, I don't think I ever will. But it was more than
that.....you hurt me more than you can ever know...
CHRISTIE
Well, I'm not going to
apologise; I don't think I ever will.
FATHER
No, I suppose I can't expect
you to...
CHRISTIE
You know I was hurt too......being
abandoned like that.......
FATHER
Oh....I see....
CHRISTIE
Yeah
FATHER
I've hurt you more than I
could ever know, and yet you come back......why?
CHRISTIE
Well, this is something I had
to get over in order to be truly happy with my life....there was a recent
thing....it reminded me of why I wasn't happy...I put on a brave face...but I was
burning up inside....you know?...
FATHER
All too well
CHRISTIE
Okay....so....how much did Mom
threaten you?
FATHER
She didn't......she just reminded
me of who I really was, and broke this crusty old shell I had......Love can do
that...just remember that just because I don't agree with your lifestyle choice,
it doesn't mean I don't love you...
CHRISTIE
Right back at you....
(They hug)
FATHER
Now, I have some errands....did
you want to come with me......just like the old days...
CHRISTIE
I'd like that
FATHER
Here (Hands Christie a check)
for those student loans
CHRISTIE
I can't accept this...
FATHER
Why not? I just want to show
how much you mean to me...
CHRISTIE
I know how much I mean to you,
and you to me, it's just that through all this, I've become self-sufficient......I
like it that way......
FATHER
I see, well you wouldn't say
no to an ice-cream from town would you?
CHRISTIE
Dad, I'm 19. Of course not
(Father holds out his hand,
and Christie puts her hand in his. They then depart)
(Christie's mother comes out
from the adjoining room, with tears in the eyes)
Scene V (INT, Night,
Backstage)
(The Random Pigeons are
backstage, with various hangers on and groupies around)
KEYBOARDIST
Alright! That gig was killer!
BRAD
Yeah....sure was... (Still looking
out front to try to spot his friends)
KEYBOARDIST
Dude, you been looking all
night, they aren't coming, whoever they are...
BRAD
I suppose you're right Kirk
KIRK
I want to know who it is that
you're searching for so intently....
BRAD
The Post Modern girl with the
Mona Lisa smile....my tutor...
KIRK
The girl with the
glasses...she's the Post Modern girl?
BRAD
Yeah...
KIRK
Planning to serenade her?
BRAD
Nope....nothing like that...it's
just that....
KIRK
What?
BRAD
Whenever she's around, she
makes me feel so smart...it's like...I dunno...and the stuff I write after she's been
over...it's really good stuff...
KIRK
Sounds like you've got the
hots for her....
BRAD
It's not like that...it's
like...she's too good for me. I just wanted to thank her....you know...this was the
only way I knew how....thanks to her, I now actually know what post-modernism
is....
KIRK
So it's love?
BRAD
No.... I don't think so...(Confused)
KIRK
She makes you fell 10 foot
tall and bullet proof......that's love my boy....
(Brad considers)
BRAD
Doesn't there have to be like,
some sort of spark or something...?
KIRK
I'm not talking about lust my
boy, I'm talking about love.
BRAD
Hmm....looks like I've got some
thinking to do....
KIRK
Just make sure you make a song
out of it....demand for us has grown three fold....
(Brad leaves)
(Rhythm Guitarist walks up to
Kirk)
RHYTHM GUITARIST
Dude, it's not cool to confuse
Brad like that...amusing...but not cool
KIRK
You heard him, ever since this
girl has entered his life, he's been writing some really good stuff....imagine
what he could write if he thought he was in love with her!
RHYTHM GUITARIST
You know, you really are an
asshole....
KIRK
You won't be saying that when
we've taken over the campus...
Scene VI (Int, Day, Morgandorffer Home)
QUINN
(Into phone) So yeah, we're
going out....college guys just go for me. He's from
(Daria, Jane and Neill enter)
QUINN
Okay, I've got to go...no...it's
not because I'm talking to you...sheesh!
JANE
Another crisis for the fashion
club? Is somebody wearing plaids?
QUINN
We like, broke up a while
ago...get with the times....Hi Neill!
NEILL
G'Day.... (To Daria) Are you
sure you're not adopted?
DARIA
I've been looking into the
possibility for some time....I'm sorry to say that the tests came back negative,
oh, and Quinn, the lab says your pore problem will get worse before it gets
better....
QUINN
Daria! Don't even joke about
that...my pores are fine...so...what did you people get up to?
NEILL
I sampled some of your
countries cuisine...and then subsequently lost all faith in humanity...
QUINN
You know what's a good
place...Chez
JANE
Run...it's a trap
QUINN
If you wanted to...we could go
tonight.....
NEILL
Well, I'd like to luv, but I'm
playing tonight....
QUINN
Oh....ok then....(walks
away)...(in distance) He called me Love!
DARIA
Wow, that was disturbing......so
much so, I think I'll go and lie down...
NEILL
Bad Pizza?
DARIA
Yes....Bad Pizza...
(Daria walks off)
JANE
Don't worry about her...I think
she just needs some space....
NEILL
Ahh...she needs some time to
think....
JANE
Exactly....
NEILL
So, we're all by ourselves
eh...with nothing to do....
JANE
Nice try Yahoo Serious, it
ain't working....
NEILL
Damn...
JANE
Feel like going for a run?
NEILL
Thought you'd never ask
Scene VII (Int, Late
Day, Daria's Room)
(Daria is sitting on her old
bed, reading)
(Helen enters)
HELEN
Hi Daria, just coming in to
see how my little girl is doing
DARIA
Quinn's around
somewhere...probably trying to scam Neill into taking her to Chez
HELEN
I was talking about you Daria
DARIA
Oh....
HELEN
Aren't you worried about
Neill?
DARIA
Should I be?
HELEN
I mean with all the attention
that Quinn is paying him...
DARIA
Yes?
HELEN
Well.......
DARIA
Mom. Let me say this very
clearly. We are not dating, we are not going to date in the foreseeable future,
we are not going to date ever...
HELEN
If you say so honey....
DARIA
Are you trying to humour me?
HELEN
No...it's nothing like that...
DARIA
Because a good mother would be
honest with her daughter....
HELEN
Fine, so you're not dating
him.....but you two do seem to have a connection together, and after he spoke
about you in glowing terms....well...I put two and two together...
DARIA
Wait...so you're saying that the
only reason a guy will pay you a complement, is when he wants to...you know....
HELEN
I know all too well.....
(Daria considers the piece of
advice)
HELEN
Penny for your thoughts...
DARIA
It used to be cash bribes.....
HELEN
If you don't to talk about
it...I can't force you....
(Helen leaves, and Neill
enters a short time after)
NEILL
G'Day short stuff, you okay?
DARIA
Fine...although you might not
want to complement me in front of my parents....
NEILL
Eh?
DARIA
Nothing....
NEILL
That Jane is quite the runner,
I didn't think she had it in her....
DARIA
Yeah...she likes to run...
NEILL
And you like to read
evidently....
DARIA
Yes....great work there Sherlock
NEILL
So much so that I've noticed
that you read that same book last week, now why would somebody want to read a
book that they've read so recently? Hmm?
DARIA
It's uhh...a good book
NEILL
You want to know what I think?
DARIA
Like I want to know about all
about your sordid affairs...but I get the feeling that you're going to tell me
anyhow...
NEILL
You needed time to think...
DARIA
How can I think and read at
the same time?
NEILL
Well, you've been in here for
an hour, and you're up to page 3
(Daria looks down)
NEILL
But if you don't want to talk
about it...that's fine...I'm going to change over at Jane's
(Neill starts to depart)