THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 11-1
PASSING
(A confrontation between Neill
and Sandi brings up old issues for Christie, and Daria and Neill go on a road
trip)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Neill and Daria's dorm)
DARIA
So then Neill tells me that my
worst suspicions are true...
JANE
The Russians are coming?
DARIA
No, Brad is into me...as such...
JANE
Wow, a double entendre, you
really are frazzled
DARIA
Yeah...I haven't been so
confused since...well...Tom and I...uhh...yeah...
JANE
The real question is here, do you like him?
DARIA
I thought I did.
JANE
What is that supposed to mean?
DARIA
Uhh...nothing....
JANE
You can't suddenly decide
you're going to try and be open and honest with everybody and then not go the whole
way with you best friend...
DARIA
Now you're the one making the
double entendres...
JANE
Out with it
DARIA
Okay, but promise not to
torture me with it?
JANE
I can't promise anything...you
know that
DARIA
Deep down, I already know
that......but let's say that if you try to rip on me, I'll tell people what's under
your bed, in the blue box....
JANE
You wouldn't!....okay....you
would. Ok, I'll be quiet.
DARIA
Let's just say that what you
said about Brad being a surrogate Trent, it has some truth to it. I saw Brad
and was immediately reminded of
JANE
Is this Daria?
DARIA
Shut up
JANE
Sounds like there's some stuff
you have to work through...
DARIA
I wish I could just get some distance
on the whole thing, but this damn college thing
JANE
Damn college, always
there....doing stuff....
DARIA
How are you looking forward to
College?
JANE
8 weeks and counting, I'm
kinda nervous, but hearing that you've found some cool people makes me feel
good about the whole thing. Maybe I can get a cute Mick Dundee to pay most of
my board as well....
DARIA
Ugh...
JANE
Okay, enough said, oh, call
your family, Quinn has been here in an attempt to "replace the nerdiness
" in her life...suffice to say that it got ugly...
DARIA
Sounds rough...okay, I'll see
you some time...
Scene II (INT, Night,
Sandi's apartment)
SANDI
How could you!?!
NEILL
I'm a big boy! I like to think
that I have a choice when it comes to the bedroom department!
SANDI
I bet you weren't going to
even give her your phone number!
NEILL
We're both adults dammit! We can do whatever the hell we want!
RENEE
He has a point there...
SANDI
Stay out of this!
NEILL
We both know that this isn't
about me and Renee!
SANDI
Damn right it isn't!
NEILL
You want to tell me that my
lifestyle is chauvinistic and deplorable!
SANDI
Well it is!
NEILL
Well what do you call sleeping
with someone on the first date!?!
SANDI
At least were in a
relationship now!
NEILL
And you want to tell me what's
healthy!?!
CHRISTIE
Both of you stop this now! I'm
not letting this happen again! Now you both are going to be happy okay?
Everything's going to be fine....everybody is going to be accepting of everybody
else...
SANDI
Are you okay?
CHRISTIE
I will not have the two most
important people in my life rejecting each other....and I will not have him
rejecting you...not again...
(Christie realises she's not
really making sense and walks out of the room)
NEILL
What the hell was that all about?
SANDI
It was your fault!
NEILL
My fault!?
SANDI
Let's just say she has some
issues with people close to her accepting new people in her life....
NEILL
Listen, we both like Christie
yes?
SANDI
I presume so
NEILL
So until we find out more about
what just caused...that...let's call a truce...
SANDI
Sounds fair...just try not to
sleep with any of my relatives...
NEILL
I can't make that promise....but
I can try...try not to sleep with any of my mates...
Scene III (INT, night,
Christie's dorm)
(Christie rummaging through
drawer, trying to find some money)
CHRISTIE
Yes, that'll do....
(Christie leaves the room,
with cash and a note)
(Christie departs)
(Fade to black)
(Sandi and Neill walking to
Christie's dorm)
SANDI
Just let me do the talking
would you?
NEILL
What the hell is that supposed
to mean...?
SANDI
Look, a note
(Picks up note on Christie's
door)
SANDI
Dear Sandi and Neill,
undoubtedly you have been looking for me because let's face it, I'm hot.
Anyhow, I just want you two to know that I don't really care that you two don't
get along, I'll still be Neill's friend and Sandi's lover, but I have to go
home and sort some things out.... I'll be back after the weekend...
NEILL
How odd...
SANDI
Indeed...
Scene IV (INT,
morning, Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Neill enters)
DARIA
Hey Neill
NEILL
Hey Daria
DARIA
Have you seen Christie?
NEILL
Yes and no, she's gone home
for the weekend...
DARIA
To
NEILL
I think she just needed to
sort some stuff out, you know, get some perspective, she found out that me and
Sandi don't exactly get along.
DARIA
Oh...
NEILL
Nah, it's all good, she left a
note saying that she didn't really care about me and Sandi...
DARIA
So she's gone?
NEILL
Afraid so....
DARIA
Damn
NEILL
Want to talk about it?
DARIA
No
NEILL
Well, I'll only be here a
couple of days, the teams on the road, get this, at
DARIA
NEILL
Yeah, don't know if it's your
DARIA
Is it the repetitive answer of
'no' that gives you hope?
NEILL
No, it just makes me more
curious, you know, if you really wanted to hide something, you'd make up a
story about why you've got that pensive look on your face instead of denying
everything...
DARIA
Damn
NEILL
Yep...just makes it just so much
more interesting...
DARIA
It's this Brad thing...
NEILL
Ahh....the Post Modern
Girl...if I were him, I would've just done a Jet cover..... 'Big Black Boots, Long
Brown hair, she's so sweet with her, get back stare! I could take you home with
me, but you were with another man...'...okay, so you're not with another man....I
think...but the rest of the song has relevance...
DARIA
Wow, fascinating, so
fascinating I'm going to completely ignore it...
NEILL
Oooh....testy...sounds like
you need some time off yourself...
DARIA
You know, that's not actually
a bad idea, I've been meaning to see Jane...
NEILL
The one with the black hair?
DARIA
Yes...
NEILL
I have a crazy idea....
DARIA
As long as it doesn't involve
hot wax, I'm all ears
NEILL
You're going to show me around
the town...Ho t Wax?
DARIA
What?
NEILL
Yeah, it'll be great...
DARIA
I don't think that's such a
good idea...
NEILL
Sure it is, besides, I need
someone to drive me down there...for some reason the cheerleading squad is going
as well, and let's just say that hell hath no fury like sisters scorned....
DARIA
So I'd be doing you a favour?
NEILL
As such...
DARIA
I believe now is the time to
bring up some sort of fee...
NEILL
You're going to make a great
lawyer...
DARIA
Runs in the family...
NEILL
Fine, I'll pay for the rental
car and any additional expenses on the weekend, but in return, you have to find
me somewhere to crash...
DARIA
Hell hath no fury?
NEILL
Exactly...
DARIA
Okay, sounds like a deal...
NEILL
I don't know I'll ever make it
back for Christmas with you gouging me at every opportunity...
DARIA
Well maybe you should stop
being so curious about me...
NEILL
Nice try...
DARIA
Damn...
Scene V (EXT, Day, Bus
Depot)
(Christie hops off a bus)
(Christie then walks to a payphone
and dials a number)
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
Hello?
CHRISTIE
Hi mom...
MOM
Christie? How nice to hear
from you...
CHRISTIE
Yeah, sure. Listen, I'm at the
town bus centre right now...can you give me a lift?
MOM
Sure...where to?
CHRISTIE
Well I was hoping that I could
stay in my old room for a couple of days...
MOM
I'm not sure that's a good
idea, you know, your father...
CHRISTIE
That's why I'm back...there's
some stuff I have to get through, I need to talk to him...
MOM
Honey...I'm not too sure he wants
to talk to you...
CHRISTIE
This is something I need to
do, if you really were my mother...you'd understand that...
MOM
Sorry...
CHRISTIE
No...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
said that. I'm just a bit flustered right now is all. All you need to know is
that I need to speak to him...
MOM
Okay...I guess I could let you
see him, I don't know about you staying though...
CHRISTIE
Well, hopefully if I make my
point, I'll be staying...
Scene VI (EXT, Late
Afternoon, Road/Gas Station)
(Daria an Neill standing in a
car park)
NEILL
Ready to go?
DARIA
Raring
(They walk up to the car, which
is a blue hatchback)
NEILL
Go figure, they see me at the
registration and figure that since I'm 6'5", they'd go ahead and give me a
hatchback... (Throws keys to Daria)...here you go.
DARIA
Why aren't you driving?
NEILL
Australian, different country,
crazy road rules, green card
DARIA
Oh
NEILL
Yeah, if I even make the
smallest infringement, I'll be deported.
DARIA
Ok then, I guess that I
control the radio station...they'll be no Men at Work
NEILL
No Men at Work!? If I don't
hear 'I come from the Land Down Under' every half hour I go into remission!
DARIA
Whatever
(They both get in the car)
(Neill in an awkward position)
DARIA
How you holding up there
stretch?
NEILL
Can't complain (in pain)
(Fade to black)
(Neill and Daria on the road)
NEILL
So...great weather we've been
having...
DARIA
Yep
NEILL
Yeah...the weather's great...
DARIA
Sure is...
NEILL
Wow, we have nothing to talk
about...
DARIA
We can always talk about the
Kyoto protocol....
NEILL
Yeah...that's something we both have
in common, both our governments couldn't care less about the environment...
DARIA
I've always meant to ask...why
are you so....?
NEILL
Hot? Tall? Witty?
DARIA
Confident.
NEILL
Oh
DARIA
It's just that I've been
trying to be more confident...but at the first sign of trouble...I go back into my
shell...how do you do it?
NEILL
It's not about being
confident...
DARIA
It's not?
NEILL
It's about tricking everybody
else into thinking you're confident...
DARIA
Well, that does make some
sense
NEILL
See, it works, I have no idea
what I'm talking about, but you accepted it because it seemed to be true...
(Daria gives a cold stare to
Neill)
(Fade to black)
NEILL
Hate to complain, but I don't
suppose we could get out at the next roadhouse could we?
DARIA
Can't hurt, besides, I really
should tell my parents that I'm coming...
NEILL
Great
(They pull into a gas station)
(Neill doing stretches in the
background)
(Daria walks to a telephone
and dials)
QUINN
Hello? Brent? I told you that
I can't go out with you this weekend! I just can't! I wish I could but there is
this sale on at Cashman's and I really can't miss it
because Sandi called my outfit outdated, so I need a new one by Monday, I can't
show up for class on Monday without a new outfit! If you don't understand that
then I guess that were just not meant to be together...
DARIA
And I bought you these
chocolates...
QUINN
Daria?
DARIA
The one and only
QUINN
What are you doing on the phone?
DARIA
Just wanted to give you prior warning.
I'm coming to stay for the weekend, and so is my roommate.
QUINN
That guy with the accent?
DARIA
Yes......the guy with the accent,
make sure you tell Mom and Dad okay?
QUINN
Yeah sure, so listen, what's
your roommate like?
DARIA
He's a dreamboat...he speaks
French and takes us out to expensive French restaurants....
QUINN
Really!!??
DARIA
No....hang on...he does....
(Slightly confused)...forget I said anything, I'll be there in an hour
QUINN
Okay, I guess I'll see you
then...
DARIA
But what about the sale at Cashman's?
QUINN
That can wait...
DARIA
Yeah.......bye......
(Neill walks over)
NEILL
Everything Hunky-Dori?
DARIA
What?...
NEILL
Everything good? I swear,
youse Yanks are so uncultured...
DARIA
Yes, everything's fine...let's
go
NEILL
Do you think for the last hour
of the trip we could not listen to
Country and Western?
DARIA
Who's driving?
NEILL
Damn...
(Blue hatchback pulls up to Morgandorffer Residence)
(Daria and Neill get out)
DARIA
Okay, my mother's a workaholic
legal shark, the slightest thing could set off my Dad on a rage about his
childhood, and my sisters the leader of Miss Teen USA Mickey Mouse Club, you
have been warned...
NEILL
Sounds pretty normal...
(Daria knocks on the door)
(Helen answers the door)
HELEN
Daria!?!?
DARIA
It would appear to be so...
(Helen smothers Daria)
NEILL
Seems like a shark to me...
HELEN
And who would you be?
NEILL
G'Day, I'm Daria's
roommate, Neill
HELEN
Nice to meet you...why didn't
you tell us you were coming Daria?
DARIA
I did...
(Quinn's head appears from
behind door)
QUINN
Hi! Is it true you speak
French?
NEILL
Very bad school boy French,
yes...
QUINN
Wow!
DARIA
Quinn...why didn't you tell our
dear parents that I was coming to stay?
QUINN
Oh yeah...I just kinda forgot...
DARIA
And remembered an off-hand
remark about somebody you've never met....
HELEN
Well, come in young man....tell
us all about yourself....
(Helen shows them in)
Scene VII (INT,
morning, Christie's Home)
(Inside Christie's childhood
home)
MOM
So...how are things?
CHRISTIE
I met somebody new...
MOM
That's......good......
CHRISTIE
It's not a guy...
MOM
No, no, I never meant to
assume that....
CHRISTIE
Sure you didn't
MOM
Honestly I....
CHRISTIE
I know...I'm just kidding around
with you...you know...its kinda weird being here...after all this time...
MOM
Well I would've invited you
back...
CHRISTIE
I know mom, you've always been
there for me...
MOM
That's nice to hear...I had to
fight tooth and nail to send you to college you know...your father still hasn't
forgiven you...
CHRISTIE
And I don't think he ever
will, it's not in his nature, I just hope to make peace with the old man...
MOM
He sees it as a betrayal,
after we took you in, he sees it as a slap in the face...
CHRISTIE
Well, I'm here to correct that
assumption...where is he now?
MOM
Now? (Checks watch), He'd be
giving the weekly sermon...
CHRISTIE
He still doing that?
MOM
Being a minister is a full
time job...
CHRISTIE
I guess it is...
Scene VIII (INT,
Morning, Church/Ministers Office)
(Christie standing out the
back, in sunglasses)
MINISTER
And until next time, go in
peace, and don't forget the community raffle!
(The Minister spots Christie
out of the corner of his eye and walks to her)