THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE 9
THERE'S
NO APHRODESIAC LIKE LONELINESS
(Tom comes to stay for the
weekend, but does he have an ulterior motive? Neill and Sandi finally meet)
Scene I (INT, NIGHT,
Neill and Daria's Dorm)
(Daria is sitting, reading,
when Neill enters)
NEILL
Hey short stuff
DARIA
Hey
NEILL
I won't disturb you...I'm going
out again...long story short...the Swedish Gymnasts? It's on. I'll see you again in
the morning...
DARIA
Ok then...
NEILL
Well....see ya short stuff
(Neill starts to exit)
(Daria suddenly remembers
something)
DARIA
Wait
NEILL
Yeah?
DARIA
I told an old...friend that he
could stay for a few days...is that okay?
NEILL
Yeah...just tell her to bring a
slab.
(Neill exits)
(Daria walks over to phone and
dials)
TOM
Hello?
DARIA
Hey
TOM
Oh...hey Daria.
DARIA
My roommate says it's ok for
you to stay a few days
TOM
Cool
DARIA
Except you have to bring a
'slab'...if you know what that means...
TOM
Perhaps he's a construction
worker?
DARIA
But where are the other 4
members of the village people?
TOM
But more importantly, who
cares?
DARIA
Good point.
TOM
Okay...so I'll be there on
Saturday Night some time?
DARIA
I have to wait around here all
night instead of enjoying my burgeoning social life?
TOM
I guess so. I'll see you then.
DARIA
Okay then.
TOM
Great, I'm looking forward to
it.
Scene II (INT,
Morning, Courtyard)
(Neill exits a building in the
morning, whistling Waltzing Matilda)
(Neill finds the nearest
payphone, and dials)
DR SMITH
Hello? Dr Smith's office.
NEILL
Cockroach. Where's Betty?
DR SMITH
Ahh...Neill Hayden. She's off
sick. Did you do what I asked of you?
NEILL
Yes...I found out all about
Daria...but she was less than willing to depart with any information...so I had to use
my cunning wiles to get some information out of her.
DR SMITH
And?
NEILL
By all accounts...I really
shouldn't like her. But I do. I dunno....I guess I just feel an affinity with
her. I mean she's intelligent and
funny...but she's also naïve and less than willing to open up...she's like the
anti-me...I mean I'm intelligent and funny...but...
DR SMITH
Hmmm...remember what I said
about you not wanting to open up to the wrong person?
NEILL
Vaguely
DR SMITH
Well....it sounds like she's
just afraid of opening up to anyone...
NEILL
You may have a point there
DR SMITH
So you found somebody you have
something very important with in common.
NEILL
Which is?
DR SMITH
You're both afraid of being
totally vulnerable.
NEILL
Sounds like it makes sense...although I did tell
her about my mother...
DR SMITH
You told someone about her
death?
NEILL
Yep...
DR SMITH
You realise that this is the
first person outside your family and me to know about your mother's death...?
NEILL
Yes. I know. I know I don't
want to tell anyone. I know that I don't want to talk about it. Yet I tell
Daria Morgandorffer...I just don't know what's happening with me. Am I suddenly
going to get in relationships or something?...because I
just can't hack that.
DR SMITH
No, I don't think so...I think
you've found what we like to call a soul mate.
NEILL
So what....? Marry her?
DR SMITH
No...you've found someone that
you're completely comfortable with. It's not a romantic thing of course. I
suggest you don't let this person out of your life.
NEILL
Ever?
DR SMITH
There will be a time when you
can do without her...but for now...you need to have her near you. Tell me, what has
your father told you of your mother?
NEILL
Dunno....just that she was smart
and intelligent
DR SMITH
Interesting...
NEILL
Listen, I have to go...this
phone call is costing me a fortune.
DR SMITH
Okay...just call me every so
often I feel the next 4 years will define you as a person.
(Neill hangs up phone)
(Neill walks along the
courtyard deep in thought)
(He then proceeds to knock a
woman of 5' 10" over)
SANDI
Watch where you're going Jerk!
NEILL
Sorry luv.
SANDI
Luv? (Angry)
NEILL
Yes? (Confused)
SANDI
You feel the need to address
me with an emotional endearment even though we just met?!
NEILL
What?
SANDI
Did you want to sleep with me
as well?!
NEILL
No....wait...are you
offering...because if you are...then yeah.
SANDI
No! Pig! All you men are the
same!
NEILL
Listen Luv! I'm just trying to
apologise here...there's no need to go on a tirade like a demented Germaine
Greer!
SANDI
No! You listen! You're the one
who knocked me over and then tried to hit on me!
NEILL
What! I wasn't trying to hit
on you! I was trying to apologise you quack!
(Sandi gives a frustrated
noise and then storms off)
NEILL
Bitch
SANDI
Jerk
Scene III (INT, Early
Afternoon, Brad's Dorm)
(Brad and Daria are studying)
DARIA
Now...we've been over Catcher in
the
BRAD
Yeah...it was cool...
DARIA
Okay then...I think we should
start a companion piece...Rebel without a Cause
BRAD
Wait...isn't that a movie?
DARIA
Your powers of perception
amaze me...
BRAD
Cool...
DARIA
(Sighs) Yes, it is a movie...but
you're allowed to write about two mediums, as long as the texts correlate...it's
called intertextuality...
BRAD
Oh...Okay then...
DARIA
Like Catcher in the
BRAD
What about your family?
DARIA
What about my family?
BRAD
It kinda sounds like...like you
have issues with them....did you like...want to talk about it?
DARIA
There's nothing to tell
really...my sisters the epitome of everything I despise, my mother's sold out for
the money and my fathers on the verge of a nervous breakdown whenever he can't
get the milk carton open.
BRAD
Same old, same old hey?
DARIA
I guess so...what about your
family...
BRAD
Well...it's just me and my
little sister...my parents are always somewhere else...we like...raised each other...
(Daria looks surprised)
DARIA
Is your little sister an
artist? (Apprehensively)
BRAD
Little Jamie? Yeah...how did you
know...?
(Daria looks horrified)
DARIA
I have to go....
(Daria quickly leaves)
BRAD
Wait....I still have no idea
what intertexuality means......damn!
(Neill enters)
NEILL
Hey...I just saw Daria running
out of here....what's the deal?
BRAD
I have no idea...we were just
talking about our families and all of a sudden she goes pale and runs out of
the room.
NEILL
Hmm...well storming off
embarrassed is Daria's style...so mate...what's up with you?
BRAD
Well the pigeons have a night
gig at the pimento...so that's cool.
NEILL
A night gig? Moving up?
BRAD
Yeah...we're on our way...but
we're not going to lose sight of what's important...
NEILL
The Groupies?
BRAD
Nah man....it's about the music...
NEILL
It always is...mate...I just had
the weirdest encounter.
BRAD
Weirder than having your tutor
run out on you?
NEILL
Not sure...never happened to
me...but get this...I'm just walking along when I bump into this girl right? I try
to apologise and all of a sudden she starts accusing me of cracking onto her
and starts calling me a pig.
Scene IV (INT, Early
Morning, Christies dorm)
SANDI
Anyhow...then this guy starts
hitting on me...the pig!
CHRISTIE
Yep. Creeps on this campus
will hit on you for no apparent reason...although I do know where he was coming
from...
SANDI
Well...thanks...
CHRISTIE
Oh! You have to meet Neill.
SANDI
Friend?
CHRISTIE
Yeah. Really funny, and
strangely smart...
SANDI
Strangely?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...he doesn't seem like the
type of guy who would know certain things about the philosophies of Hegel and
Nietzsche, but he does.
SANDI
Sound cool...I have work tonight
but tomorrow I'm free.
CHRISTIE
Cool. I really want you two to
hit it off.
SANDI
Well, I can be pleasant when I
want to be...
CHRISTIE
Do I really have to say it?
SANDI
Would you?
CHRISTIE
You're pleasant all the time!
SANDI
Awww....
CHRISTIE
Besides, the more I can expose
you to Daria, the more she'll become comfortable with me and you together.
SANDI
What's up with that Daria
chick anyhow?
CHRISTIE
Well, she's really...really
smart. She likes to think that she has everything under control...but under her
skin she is a bundle of insecurities.
SANDI
And that's why you are
fascinated by her?
CHRISTIE
What are you implying?
SANDI
Nothing....it's just that you
talk about her a lot.
CHRISTIE
Well, I'm not into her if
that's what you're saying...why would I be? I got you right here.
SANDI
Good answer
CHRISTIE
The reason I...and Neill...are so
fascinated by her is because her life is one demented soap opera...and little by
little it becomes more interesting...
SANDI
I suppose that makes sense...
CHRISTIE
Believe me...it does...her friend is
coming tomorrow...so that gives me and Neill the chance to interrogate her.
SANDI
I think I get it...
Scene V (INT, Day,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria rushes into the room
and grabs the phone)
DARIA
This gets resolved now!
(Daria Dials)
JANE
Hello?
DARIA
Hey
JANE
Ola Amiga!
DARIA
Yeah...is
JANE
What is it with you and Trent
anyhow?
DARIA
Nothing...there's
just some things I have to say to him so my sanity can remain intact...
JANE
Okay....well...that seems...normal...
DARIA
Just get him on the phone
JANE
You know...you've changed since
you started going to college...okay...I'll get him....Trent!
Hello?
DARIA
Hey Trent, it's me.
Oh...hey Daria.
DARIA
Hmm?
DARIA
You know...for about 2 years I
had a crush on you...
What did you drink?
DARIA
What?
Because if it's
absinthe...that stuff is insane...
DARIA
No,
Yeah...I knew...
DARIA
You knew? Why didn't you say
anything?
Because all girls go through a
stage where they have a crush on someone older....Janie once had a crush on Jesse....don't
tell her I said that......I had to let you go through that phase uninterrupted......and
then Tom came along, so I thought it was over. Don't get me wrong...it was
flattering...
DARIA
I guess that makes sense...
Yeah...I wasn't as oblivious as
I seemed...
DARIA
So it seems...
If I ever thought about you?
DARIA
Yes...that one.
Maybe...but you were little
Janie's friend you know?
DARIA
Yeah...I think I do...
(A pause in the conversation)
Besides...you weren't legal...that
would've been a thing I just don't need...
(Both laugh)
DARIA
Well...thanks...I hope this gives
me some closure...
Sure...
(
(Daria hangs up phone and
walks to the mirror in the bathroom)
DARIA
Jane was right...I have changed.
(Knock at the door)
(Daria opens to reveal Tom
carrying 2 bags)
TOM
Hi. Decided to come early.
(Looks around) Dammit! I should've gone here instead!
DARIA
Bromwell not all it's meant to
be?
TOM
You could say that... (Enters)
DARIA
Well if it makes you feel
better, the administration makes us pay rent on the rooms...
TOM
Are they allowed to do that?
DARIA
'Allowed' isn't exactly in
their vocabulary...
(Neill enters)
(Neill regards Tom)
NEILL
G'Day mate! Neill's the name...
TOM
Tom
NEILL
Thommo...
TOM
Just Tom
NEILL
So...Thommo...did you bring a
slab?
TOM
I didn't really know what a
slab was...but I brought beer...
NEILL
Well, I'll let you off the
hook....this time....so you and Daria...old friends hey?
(At same time)
DARIA
Yes
TOM
No
(Daria and Tom look at each
other)
NEILL
Interesting....Thommo...care to
give me the hot tip?
TOM
Umm...not really sure what that means...but
Daria and I used to go out together...
NEILL
You're the ex?
TOM
I guess so...
NEILL
Will you excuse me?
(Neill climbs out the window
and scales the walls, and then runs across the courtyard)
TOM
What was that all about?
DARIA
Well, expect the Spanish
Inquisition
Scene VI (INT, Day,
Christie's Dorm)
(Christie is hard at work
studying when she hears a knock at the door)
(She answers to find Neill
standing there, quite excited about something)
CHRISTIE
Neill?
NEILL
You know Daria's friend that
was coming down for a few days?
CHRISTIE
She's here?
NEILL
Yep. And it's a he. And he's
not only a friend...he's the ex!
CHRISTIE
This I gotta see!
(They run out of the room)
Scene VII (INT, Day,
Neill and Daria's dorm)
(Tom inspecting his new surrounds)
TOM
So...Daria...how have you been?
DARIA
I suppose I can't
complain...wait...I can. I'm boarding with a protégé to Hugh Hefner, I just got
introduced to my friends Girlfriend, and I've had about 3 meltdowns since I got
here...you?
TOM
Well, when you put it like
that...I suppose I can't complain...
DARIA
So this Conference....
TOM
Yeah...Dad calls me up and says
he wants me to represent him there...so when I take over the family business,
I'll be able to suck up with the best of them.
DARIA
Oh...I'm sorry.
TOM
Can't be too bad...I just hope
there's an open bar...speaking of open bar...will Neill mind if I take one of his
beers? I'm pretty tired after being crammed in a bus with 12 screaming kids and
a geriatric hippie whose goal in life was to blast me with partisan rhetoric.
DARIA
Well, he is pretty territorial
about his beer....but it can't hurt (smiles)
TOM
Wow...you've changed
DARIA
I know
TOM
You seem....happier....do I need
to be worried?
DARIA
No...we still haven't signed the
Kyoto Protocol and a patch of Rainforest the size of
TOM
Ahh...there she is...
(Neill and Christie burst in)
NEILL
Thommo, Christie, Christie,
Thommo...the ex.
CHRISTIE
Why did I imagine he'd be
wearing glasses? Tom...how do you do?
TOM
Fine...I guess
CHRISTIE
So...Tom....How was Daria in the
sack?
(Tom and Daria look
embarrassed)
NEILL
Christie...its Daria...she doesn't
get in the sack to begin with
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah...good point...
NEILL
Hey...do all people from
(Daria and Christie stare at
Neill inquisitively)
NEILL
What? I'm allowed to say
'adorable' twice a year...it's in the UN Charter.
CHRISTIE
So...Tom...how long are you in
town for?
TOM
Just the 2 days I'm afraid...