THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting
Klown series
EPISODE 5
ROSES
HAVE THORNS
(Daria finds her anti-social
outlook challenged, Neill issues a challenge of his own, while we get an
insight into Neill's past)
Scene I (INT, Night,
Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria reading, Neill enters)
NEILL
G'Day Daria
(Daria mumbles)
NEILL
Right on sister...
(Daria Mumbles)
NEILL
What are you reading there?
(Daria mumbles)
NEILL
Monkey Purple Dishwasher Carnival
Cigarette...
(Daria mumbles)
NEILL
Oh Daria. Let us stop this
game and consummate our love...I have pined for you from afar, and I feel it is
time we take our relationship to the next level
(Daria mumbles)
NEILL
If you wanted, Brad could be
involved somehow...
(Daria mumbles)
NEILL
Or maybe this
DARIA
What?
NEILL
So...this
DARIA
What? No...
NEILL
Well, usually when I propose
we get involved in a threesome, it gets more reaction than a mumble. Believe
me...I know...And this
(Daria blushes)
NEILL
Want to talk about it?
DARIA
Like I want a stake through my
heart
NEILL
Come on...could help having an
impartial sounding board...
(Daria considers)
NEILL
Plus, I'm a bloke...I may have
some invaluable insight into what ever you may be going through...
DARIA
Ok, Well, Dr Phil...do you
really want to know?
NEILL
My name's Neill... (Confused,
not knowing who Dr Phil is)
DARIA
I'm afraid that the
similarities between Brad and my...best friend's brother...who I kinda liked for
awhile are uncanny, and I'm afraid that I may regressing to a stage of
mid-adolescence...
(Neill looking horrified)
DARIA
Plus, add that to the fact
that I'm getting over my ex-boyfriend of 3 months ago, and you have yourself
one hell of a messy situation...
NEILL
Well, I walked right into that
one didn't I?
DARIA
Yep
NEILL
Well, my advice is to get
smashed
DARIA
Your wisdom is like a babbling
brook...that has run dry...or was never wet.
NEILL
Hey, don't knock it until you
try it...It works surprisingly well...in fact...on Saturday night there's a massive
party...a 'kegger' I believe you call it...
DARIA
Yes... getting drunk and having
frat boys drool over me is an ideal solution to my problem...
NEILL
There's a saying in my
country...'when you're feelin' blue...getting pissed and belting out Wonderwall is
gold'
DARIA
Well, despite your sage
advice...I think I'll abstain from the all night...ragin' kegger.
NEILL
You know, one these days,
you're going to have to join the rest of us miscreants down here...you can't be
on that pedestal forever
DARIA
I can if they install safety
rails
NEILL
Well, if you change your
mind...you know where I am...I've got to go now, just came in to check on
you...I've got a show to prepare for...
DARIA
You prepare for your shows?
NEILL
Prepare...drink...same thing...see
you when I see you then...
DARIA
Yeah...
(Neill leaves)
(Daria goes back to reading
Catcher in the
(Daria checks her watch and
gets up)
Scene II (INT, Night,
Raft Coffee House)
(Daria enters with her new
uniform)
CHRISTIE
Ahh, Daria...welcome to hell
(Chuckles evilly)
DARIA
This isn't hell; I've already
been there and gotten a fruit basket for my trouble
CHRISTIE
Well, this is Satan's division
on earth...Come on; well start you out on register...
(They both walk over to the
cash register)
CHRISTIE
This is the cash register...this
is the money...the money is good.
DARIA
Thank you captain obvious
CHRISTIE
Sorry, I'm required by
protocol to give you this speech.... (Deadpan) and this is the centre of
interpersonal relations between staff and clientele
DARIA
And the centre of
techno-babble jargon that was invented by corporate baby boomers in order to
give themselves a sense of self importance
CHRISTIE
Please...I've got this speech
memorised...oh look, here comes a customer now. This is an ideal opportunity to
engage your interpersonal expertise in delivering quality service for our
valued customers.
(Daria gives Christie a stern
look)
CHRISTIE
What?
DARIA
(To customer) Hey....can I take
your order?
CUSTOMER
Yes...I'll have a non-dairy,
non-fat, macchiato, soy based...with two of the non gluten cookies you have
there...
DARIA
Are you sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable with a big cup of air?
(Customer considers, Christie
give Daria a glare)
DARIA
I mean...that will be $7 please...
(Customer gives Daria the
money...customer walks away)
CHRISTIE
You know we try to sell things
right?
DARIA
I was under the impression
that we were a terrorist cell
CHRISTIE
Listen, I know it's hard...but
try to curb the post modern aspects of your personality would you? I know,
it'll be hard...it was hard when I first started as well...but you'll get used to
it
DARIA
Get used to what?
CHRISTIE
You know, selling out for the
green
DARIA
Ah
CHRISTIE
Apart from that, you should be
okay...Hey, whenever you feel you may be getting overwhelmed, consider that
Rodney the Wonder Kid still has a job here.
(Shots of Rodney breaking the
barista machine)
CHRISTIE
(Sighs) Rodney... (Looks to door
and sees a 40 year old man walk in)...oh no...Daria...that's our supervisor...try to
act nice ok? I took a risk in hiring you...
DARIA
You what?
CHRISTIE
Well, if you were me, would
you hire...you?
DARIA
I guess not...
CHRISTIE
Hello Sir! How wonderful to
see you today!
MAN
(Grumbles) Who's the new girl?
CHRISTIE
Daria, she has some very good
potential
DARIA
(Her best sunny voice) Hi! How
are you doing today?
MAN
Fine...I guess...Christie...do we
have our profit reports from the last quarter yet?
CHRISTIE
No sir, they haven't come back
yet
MAN
Well, I'll be back then...nice
to meet you...Daria (mispronounced)
DARIA
Nice to meet you too!
(Man departs)
CHRISTIE
Wow, I'm impressed.
DARIA
Yeah, well...
CHRISTIE
If you can keep that up for
another 3 hours, you'll be one of our star performers!
DARIA
Ok, who are you and what have
you done with Christie?
CHRISTIE
This is me at work...there has
to be a difference when you work with people...
DARIA
Oh...ok then...
(From Radio)
RADIO
Ok, and we're back...this is
Neill Hayden filling in for the Randy Goat...he's in hospital at the moment and
we all wish him a swift and speedy recovery.
(Cut to Radio Booth)
NEILL
I've been thinking in the past
few hours about challenges. I'm not talking how many beers you can skull in 10
minutes...I'm talking about doing something completely out of your nature...so if
your not inclined to throw a ball around...join a team...if your not inclined to
read...read Moby Dick....I'm talking about seeing how the other half lives...So I'm
putting forward a patented Neill Hayden challenge to our listeners. Do
something completely different for an entire week. For example, I'm going to
challenge myself to not to engage in any sexual for an entire week...A challenge
I know, but it will be interesting to see how I cope. The most important thing
about this challenge is that you have to keep at it for a week. So, I'm opening
up the lines now, let's hear what you are going to do to challenge yourself in
the next week.
Scene III (INT,
Morning, Daria and Neill's Dorm)
(Daria walks around in a state
of disorientation, as you do in the morning)
NEILL
(Cooking) G'Day Daria!
DARIA
Ugh...Hey...what are you cooking?
NEILL
Blueberry pancakes? Want some?
DARIA
Umm...sure
(Neill serves Daria and Daria
takes a bite)
DARIA
When did you become such a
good cook?
NEILL
I told you, I used to cook for
the family...hey...these could use some cinnamon...hey Daria...can you go into my room
and find a blue box under my bed...I think that has some cinnamon in it.
DARIA
Ok...sure...
(Daria leaves, cut to Neill's
room)
(Daria looks around. The room
is in pristine order, with the odd Alfie Langer poster around)
(Daria reaches under the bed,
and finds two boxes...one blue...one red)
(Daria looks around...and opens
the red box out of curiosity)
(She finds lots of pictures of
a young woman)
(Daria hears Neill approaching
and suddenly buries the red box under the bed)
NEILL
Having trouble?
DARIA
Uhh...no...(opens blue box)..here
it is...right here...in the blue box...
(Neill looks at Daria
suspiciously)
NEILL
You know, if you wanted to
borrow some condoms, all you had to do is ask...
DARIA
It's not that...
NEILL
Well ok then...
(Neill starts to leave)
DARIA
Who's the woman in the
pictures? Girlfriend?
NEILL
You looked in the red box?
DARIA
(Guiltily) Yes
NEILL
(Getting angry) I didn't tell
you that you could look in there...
DARIA
I know...it's just that
NEILL
Just what Daria! You just that
you wanted to invade my privacy!...I'm sorry...I shouldn't be so harsh with you...I
guess you were just curious...but...you know there's some things you don't want to
talk about? Well, it's one thing I don't
want to talk about...so just leave it ok?
DARIA
Umm...Ok...
NEILL
Ok then...(trying to regain
composure) Shall we finish breakfast?
DARIA
Ok...
Scene IV (INT, Day,
Christie's dorm)
(Christie and Daria watching
Rebel without a Cause)
CHRISTIE
Hmmm...that's weird...we've known
him for about 4 weeks now...I don't think he's ever gotten angry...
DARIA
Yeah...It was kinda
scary...knowing that I caused him to get that angry
CHRISTIE
So...do you know anything about
the woman in the pictures?
DARIA
No...he doesn't want to talk
about it...
CHRISTIE
Ahh...the plot thickens...
DARIA
I don't think we should push
him on it though...
CHRISTIE
What do you mean?
DARIA
Well, he went nuts when I saw
the girl in the photos yes?
CHRISTIE
I believe so? What are you
getting at?
DARIA
So, the girl is probably an
ex-girlfriend...I think we should respect his privacy...I mean...he's respected
mine...If he started asking about my ex, I'd tell him where to stick his
questions...
CHRISTIE
You have an ex?
DARIA
You are aware of what I just
said right?
CHRISTIE
Fine, you can apologise at
training if you want...I'm going down to see him this afternoon...wanna come?
DARIA
Can't hurt...so you're watching
him train now?
CHRISTIE
Listen...It's been a damn long
time since I've had a friend of the male sex...I don't want to mess it up...in
fact...I want to make it really strong...
DARIA
You're going to perve on the
Cheerleaders aren't you?
CHRISTIE
Oh yeah. You know me all too
well Morgandorffer...
DARIA
Well you may have a shot this
week
CHRISTIE
Why?
DARIA
Because Neill has taken some
sort of challenge to abstain for an entire week...
CHRISTIE
Neill? Abstain?
DARIA
I know...
CHRISTIE
I could really have some fun
with this... (Chuckles evilly)
Scene V (EXT, Dusk,
Football Training)
(Neill is sitting on the
bleachers, reading)
(Cut to Daria and Christie)
DARIA
I didn't know that Neill
reads...
CHRISTIE
Well, my guess is that he
normally doesn't...but now he has no reason to pre-occupy himself with talking to
the cheerleaders
DARIA
Ahh...well you've got to admire
his commitment to half-baked ideas.
CHRISTIE
Yeah...makes my job even easier...
(Daria gives Christie a
quizzical look)
CHRISTIE
Watch and learn young
apprentice
(Christie walks over to Neill)
CHRISTIE
Hey Neill
(Neill looks up)
NEILL
G'day, G'day!
CHRISTIE
So, how's the experiment
going?
NEILL
Not that well, it's only been
3 days, and already I'm getting frustrated...
CHRISTIE
Well that's a shame...I know
what you mean...
NEILL
You've had the temptation to
go downstairs lately too?
CHRISTIE
Not exactly...it's just that...I'm
getting frustrated with women...you know?
NEILL
So...what...you're turning bi?
CHRISTIE
I don't know...I guess I just
need a big....strong...man...to show me the ropes....It's a shame that you're on this
self imposed ban.
(Neill looks quite flustered)
CHRISTIE
Because if you weren't... (Bites
bottom lip)
(Neill on the verge of crying)
NEILL
Can it wait 4 days...7 hours...52
minutes?
CHRISTIE
I just don't know...this is the
type of thing that only happens once in a lifetime you know?
(Neill is reduced to a
quivering mess)
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess I'll see you
later...
(Christie leaves)
(Christie resumes her seat
next to Daria)
DARIA
Oh...you're good. When you put
your mind to it...you're good.
CHRISTIE
Well, I've had a years' more
experience than thou young apprentice...
DARIA
I only hope that I may reach
the same lofty levels of manipulation that you have acquired
CHRISTIE
What can I say...it's a gift...
(Pan over to Coach on
sidelines)
COACH
God Damn! I said reverse
lateral on 32 and down! Not forward reverse lateral on 23 and down! Idiots!
(Man approaches)
COACH
Oh, hello Dean! What an
unexpected surprise!
(The dean is 5'7", has neatly
parted black hair, beady eyes, wearing black pants and a tweed jacket)
DEAN
So coach, do we have a shot at
the trophy this year?
COACH
We have a dandy of a shot Dean
Black! This foreign exchange program has given us one of the best kickers I've
ever seen! That is quite the masterstroke on your part!
DEAN
So we may indeed have more
glory at Raft this year...
COACH
God Willing...
DEAN
I may finally get on the cover
of Dean weekly...
COACH
Yes sir!
(Pan to Daria and Christie)
(Steve approaches)
DARIA
Don't look now, I think we're
about to be approached by the unwashed masses.
STEVE
(To Christie) Hey Babe... (To
Daria) Chick
CHRISTIE
Oh, hi...I was just telling
Neill that I need a big strong man...
STEVE
You do!?
CHRISTIE
Oh yes...I've realised that I do
indeed have a disease...and I need a big, strong man to cure me...
(Steve is reduced to a
quivering mess)
CHRISTIE
Well, I guess you just don't
desire me anymore...Daria, shall we leave?
DARIA
You go...I've still got to talk
to Neill
(Christie leaves)
STEVE
Wait! ( Steve runs after
Christie...we then hear cries of anguish off screen from Steve)
(Neill, still in shock. Daria
approaches)
DARIA
Hey
NEILL
Daria! What are you doing
here?
DARIA
Well, I felt like some blood
sport...and this is the closest thing to it...
NEILL
(Laughs) How can it be a blood
sport?...with all this padding it's virtually impossible to injure people...you
should try rugby...but, I digress...what are you really doing here?
DARIA
I just wanted to apologise for
before...I know that...
NEILL
Listen...it's cool...just don't do
it again
DARIA
Ok...How goes the challenge?
NEILL
Really, really bad...
DARIA
Suffering withdrawal symptoms?
NEILL
Kinda...just getting
frustrated...finding it hard to remain master of my domain...but you'd know nothing
about that would you Daria? (Asking sheepishly)
(Daria blushes)
NEILL
Ahh...its fun making you blush...I
should do it more often...Listen...about before...the woman in the picture...FYI, I
don't want to talk about it...ever? Ok?
DARIA
Yeah...sure...
NEILL
Have you given any thought to
coming to the party on Saturday?
DARIA
Sure, I gave it some
thought...and then quickly dismissed the whole idea...
NEILL
Come on Daria! You're going to
have to go to a party some time in your life...why not start early?
DARIA
Because my persona calls for
healthy doses of procrastination.
NEILL
So there's no chance you'd
come? Even if I told you that Brad was going to be there...and there's an
excellent chance that he may get drunk...
DARIA
Brad? (Blushes)
NEILL
You see, that is just so Fun!
Like shooting fish in a barrel...but fun!
DARIA
Do they have a word for
'electro-shock therapy' in your country?
NEILL
Yeah, we call it 'hooking up a
car battery to your nuts...' point taken...
DARIA
Well good. I need some new
gator clamps anyhow...
Scene VI (INT, Night,
Daria's dorm)
(Daria is talking to Jane via
the web cam)
JANE
So then Jesse finds his shirt
under the couch
DARIA
Jesse has a shirt?
JANE
Yeah, I know! I was
surprised...and disappointed...
(Daria gives quizzical look)
JANE
What?
DARIA
Nothing...nothing...
JANE
Well at least I'm not shacked
up with a psycho killer
DARIA
I don't think Neill is a
killer
JANE
It would explain a lot
though...the pristine room...the pictures of an unknown woman...the cinnamon...and of
course we know that all serial killers know how to make great pancakes...legend
has it that Charles Manson made a really good soufflé...
DARIA
It's just that I know he said
not to ask about the woman in the photo's...and I'm going to respect that...I just
can't get those images out of my mind though...
JANE
I'm telling you! Those are
pictures of his victims...
DARIA
Aren't you worried that if he
goes to jail...you'll never get the chance to jump him?
JANE
That's what the conjugal trailers are
for...Onto other topics...you going to this party?
DARIA
Why would I want to?
JANE
Good point...I mean...if you
wanted to be thrown up on by a boy with the IQ of 80, you could always have a
baby. But then again...this Brad character may be drunk...
DARIA
Why does everyone keep on saying
that?
JANE
What?
DARIA
Nothing...so what's happening on
the Western Front
JANE
All quiet here (gives Daria a
smile) I'd call your parents though...