Initial Disclaimers: MTV Music Television, Daria, Beavis and Butt-head, and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. Noggin and The N are trademarks of Noggin LLC, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All other titles, logos, and characters are trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective copyright holders. This fanfic was created solely for entertainment purposes, and neither the webmaster or any other entity profits (or makes any money at all) from this site. My thanks to Glenn Eichler and Abby Terkhule and their genius collegues for their hard work and cooperation that resulted in the 'Daria' we enjoyed.

This story takes place towards the end of the Final Season, 'Prize Fighters' and 'Is It College Yet' have not (yet) happened as per the storyline which can be safely set sometime in the Spring,2001.

Chapter 1: Quinn in Doubt

Helen was alone in her office working on papers.
"Mrs. Morgantroper, Line One" the temporary receptionist
squawked over the speaker phone- her voice sounding like a laryngitic
crow's.
" That's Morgendorffer! Hellooo! Sorry. Hello? Hello? Hello!? Damn
it, Euphemia, it's Line Seven!"Helen boiled as she tried the various
lines on the earphone.
"Well, they were all lit up, Mrs. Gropenmorger!" Euphemia
squawked.
"Hello, Marianne!" Helen answered, her foul mood temporarily
clearing.
" So glad you liked the flowers. . . and that you and your
son are fine after yesterday's labor. .. Don't be silly! It was no
sacrifice!" Helen insisted as she stapled the florist bill to the
expense account voucher on her desk.
"I'll line you up with someone!. ..Now don't worry about
us! As a mother, I know how important it is for you and your husband to
bond with your children so take all the time you need. ."Helen chirped.
"Mrs. Borgenmorpher. ." Euphemia squawked over the speakerphone.
" Like the next week! [click] Hello!? What, Euphemia?" Helen
fumed.
"You said to let you know when your 3:30 arrived but I checked the
name and this person doesn't answer to Miss Quad Dorkengopher!"Euphemia
squawked- as she misread the words 'Miss Quinn Morgendorffer' written on the pad in front of her.
"Never mind, just send her in!" Helen snapped.
"Could you make it quick, Mom? Sandi's in the fire lane with the
motor running! We're doing a preliminary Cashman's run today so we can strategize for the whole Fashion Club tomorrow!"Quinn explained rather flippantly.
"Quinn, between Marianne giving birth and the temp service sending
us Mr. O'Neill's cousin, I'm in NO mood for. . ." Helen thundered as she
stands up at her desk to jab her index finger to intimidate Quinn.
"OK, Mo-om, chill!" Quinn insisted as she nervously flashes her
teeth.
"I'd like to chill you permanently after this letter I got in
the office mail!" Helen explained-pounding her fist at the end.
" Letter? Is this another mother-daughter fashion show? I told
them that we wouldn't be entering but Tiffany and her mom will since Mrs. Mitsubishi isn't eight-months pregnant this time!" Quinn chirped.
" No, it's from the Oui-Swyp-Ewe Credit Card Accounting
Department"Helen snarled as she extracted a letter from a very large
envelope then holds up the letter to read.
"Mo-OM!" Quinn gulped as she tried to snatch the letter out of
Helen's right hand.
"'Dear Mrs. Morgendorffer, We regret to inform you that we have
failed to receive our minimum payments for your co-signer Miss Quinn
Morgendorffer's account thus we are terminating her credit card!'" Helen
boiled as she waved the letter above Quinn's head while reading it.
"But. .." Quinn gulped.
" How many times have I told you to make the minimum payments and
NOT spend more than you earn!" Helen seethed as she brought her arm down
to the desk with letter tightly clutched in hand.
"I think about ten or fif. ." Quinn chuckled.
"OOOH!" Helen exploded as she pounded the desk with both fists.
" But, Mo-om! I did my best to take care of things, honest!" Quinn
quavered.
"Oh, yes! 'P.S. Enclosed is Miss Morgendorffer's 8 by 10 headshot.
Inform her that this is an unacceptable substitute for timely monthly
minimum payments. However, it was a boon to my wife's Ladies Dart Board
Tourney!'"Helen fumed as she pulled out the headshot from the
accompanying large envelope on her desk.
"[GASP] They impaled all my pores!" Quinn shuddered as she studied
the perforated photo.
"Quinn Morgendorffer, it's not just your credit that's been ruined.
I was on the phone all morning with those plastic pickpockets-
barely able to stop them foreclosing our house,"Helen seethed.
" Did you promise them another photo?" Quinn nervously laughed.
"Quinn, I had to take out a 2^nd mortgage and virtually empty out our checking accounts and you girls' college account that your Dad and I've diligently set aside every month these past eighteen years! I don't know how I'm going to tell Daria !"Helen shuddered.
"Mo-om, how can you bring up her at a time like this?" Quinn
whined.
" Quinn, very carefully mind what you say! Let me remind you that
you are sitting in the office of a top law firm who'd pull just
about all legal angles to keep one of their best partners-to-be from
serving any time," Helen said in a low threatening voice.
"You mean. ..?" Quinn gulped as she frantically blinked her eyelids.
"That's right, Quinn. I brought you into this world, don't tempt me
to take you out of it! " Helen threatened as she sat down while Quinn
nervously did the same.
"PLEEZE, Mom! I'll do anything to make it up to you!" Quinn pleaded
as she shifted to her knees in front of the desk.
" Good! I've drawn up this contract that will dock $300 a month
from your salary until every dime's paid back- even if it means you'll
be the only senior citizen not wearing support hose to do it!" Helen
thundered as she drew out the contract.
"But, Mo-om, there's no way I can pay that much monthly with
babysitting the Guptys!" Quinn gulped.
"You had no problem spending multiples of that monthly!" Helen
seethed.
"But. ." Quinn shuddered.
" I know you don't make that much with the Guptys so I've added a
few others to your babysitting rounds," Helen declared as she unveiled a
large mounted graph with detailed times and names next to her desk.
" The Landon children? Sandi's brothers? Marianne's son?" Quinn
gulped.
" Frank," Helen suddenly remembered as she inked his
name in.
" Tiffany's little half-sister Orchid Mitsubishi? Mo-om, except for the
Guptys and Landons, these are all babies and brats!" Quinn groaned.
" Takes one to know 'em!" Helen sighed.
"But I won't have time to. .."Quinn gulped.
" Date the Three J's, shop, goof off or be in the . ."Helen
insisted as she counted her off her aloft left fingers with her right
index finger.
"NO! I can't give up the Fashion Club! I'd die!" Quinn burst into
tears.
" You've already come close to that today! I'm not falling for
your TV movie melodramatics!" Helen insisted.
" But Sandi's waiting for me and we're going to Cashman's
Spring Near Summer Before Fall and Winter Sale!" Quinn pleaded.
"You've more clothes than most 3rd world countries as it is. I'm
keeping all credit, debit and check cards! Hand them over!" Helen
ordered- as Quinn nervously did so before Helen took out a
large pair of scissors and sliced them to ribbons.
" MO_OM!" Quinn burst into fresh tears.
"Tell Sandi to take you straight home and sit in your room until
dinnertime. And don't think I won't call up Linda to check Sandi's
milage!"Helen ordered.
" How will I live? " Quinn sobbed.
"Oh,you have plenty of things to live for- such as circling want
ads and studying to earn a good scholarship so you can get into a good
college to make good money to repay me!" Helen seethed.
"But. .." Quinn bawled.
" And if you try to charm a dime from your Dad, I'll drive you
straight to Juvenile Hall and have them feed you till you're eighteen!
I won't have you pester him-especially not today of all days!"Helen
insisted.
"Umm" Quinn pondered.
"His birthday! Why d'you think I called your cell and had you meet
me here?" Helen seethed anew.
"You. ..wanted my advice on a present?" Quinn nervously chuckled and
flashed her teeth.
"You forgot!" Helen boiled.
"I didn't," Quinn stammered.
"Don't make this any harder. .." Helen insisted.
"I didn't mean to but didn't he have it a few months back?" Quinn
asked.
"Twelve! How could you forget this day?" Helen rhetorically
asked.
"Is it my fault that Cashman's didn't have its sale that day last
year?"Quinn asked.
"Tell me you at least got something for him. You didn't!" Helen
groaned.
"Mo-om! If you let me borrow one of your credit cards. . "Quinn
nervously suggested.
"No more credit cards, EVER!" Helen screamed as she jumped into her
chair's seat and flailed her arms at Quinn.
"But..Mo-om. Why punish Dad by not having me give him something?"
Quinn asked.
"Very well, but only because it's your father's birthday and
we're having guests whom I don't want seeing our dirty laundry! Here's
$50!" Helen snapped as she pounded her desk with the money.
"Mo-om! You can't expect a Fashion Club VP to use cash at
Cashman's?" Quinn gasped.
"Take it and a sabbatical from the Club or I personally'll have
Sandi expell you from it!" Helen boiled.
"Done!" Quinn gulped as she hastily signed her contract with Helen.
"Be home for the birthday dinner by 6 sharp, gift in hand, or
I'll hunt you down!"Helen insisted in a low voice.
"Mrs. Porkenloapner," Euphemia buzzed.
"Say, how about hiring me as the temp receptionist til Marianne get
back?" Quinn asked.
" I can stand her garbling better than the sight of you these days!" Helen
seethed- as Quinn quickly left her office.
.
"You keep me late and nearly give me worry lines while I have
to explain to the officer the important reason why I'm parked here, then
you interrupt me," Staci seethed.
"Er. .sorry," Quinn gulped, in no mood to be evacerated twice in one
day.
"Good, I'd hate to think you weren't able to concentrate on our
important research we're doing on behalf of the fashionably challenged!"
Staci insisted.
"Actually, I'm so honored you're here with me because I've taken
on a mission on behalf of a fashionably challenged older gentleman- my
Dad!"Quinn said with some relief at how easy she'd been able to
sidetrack Sandi's intial plan.

They entered the rather crowded Cashman's and Quinn saw a cashmere
sweater for $40 and jellyfish liquid facial foundation for $10 for a 5
ounce container and was all set to buy the two items when. ..
"That foundation would make make your skin look even more beautiful,
Ka-Winn. Do you think it would help me?" Sandi asked.
"I guess so, " Quinn replied.
"So, you're not sure that it would! Does that mean you think my
skin is beyond help?" Sandi accused.
"Don't be silly, Sandi?" Quinn replied.
"So now I'm silly! That's most ungrateful after my nearly getting
worry lines while waiting for you, before giving you a ride!"Sandi
seethed.
"Since you put it that way, Sandi, I'll be happy to buy both of
us the 2 ounce foundation jars because as Fashion Club President and
Vice-President, we should have skin that glows in the dark!"
Quinn insisted as she switched the 5 ounce bottle for the two 2 ounce
bottles.
"With sales and import taxes, that'll be $49.95, miss!" Monica, the purple-haired teen
salesclerk droned.
" Here you go!" Quinn chirped as she plucked the two $20 bills and
single $10 on the counter .
"Here's your change!" Monica droned as she handed Quinn the
receipt.
"Wait!" Quinn gasped in a panic.
"Sorry,all sales are final," Monica insisted.
"But the 5 ounce jar's only $10," Quinn tried to reason.
"That's the one on sale- not the 2 ounce ! Clear the register or
I'll have Security put you on The List!" Monica droned.
So, with a wave, the salesclerk dismissed Quinn.
"Gee, Ka-Winn, I hope you don't plan on further publicly shaming me here!"
sniffed Sandi.
"Don't worry, Sandi. There's just been a silly misunderstanding. I'll get
Customer Service to take care of all this! I'll catch up with you in a
little while!" Quinn proclaimed.
Sandi gave her a jaundiced glare and was about to insist on accompanying
Quinn when. . .
"Attention, Cashman Patrons, Nanook of Nome's Designer Mukluks are
marked off an additional 20 percent for the next half hour!" the loudspeaker
proclaimed.
"I would help you fight this battle with Customer Service but at least
one of the Fashion Club must have these mukluks in time for winter-
you understand," Sandi sniffed.
"Don't worry, I'd never consider this a dereliction of duty. Seize the
Nome!"Quinn proclaimed as she waved Sandi off.
 
Quinn walked with the maroon cashmere sweater in hand to Customer
Service and held her breath. She was hoping one of the more flighty temps
would be manning it but no such luck today. The red beehived
60-year-old department head Mrs. C. Sarkisian was manning the counter.
Quinn dreaded her because she wore those rimmed glasses with a chain and
always had a pen and pencil securely poking from her red beehive, not to mention the fact that she had a very sharp jawline with a virtually triangular chin.
"Yeah, toots. What's the problem?" Mrs. Sarkisian growled while tapping
her manicured nails atop her nameplate.
"No problem, Miz Sarks I just need to buy this cashmere sweater for
Dad's birthday and bill it to my account,"Quinn chirped.
"Sorry, Miss M, no can do. Just got this fax from your mom saying that
she'd no longer be responsible for any future billings!" Mrs. Sarkisian
snapped- as she brought up the fax from below the counter.
"But it's for Dad's birthday !" Quinn wailed.
"We don't usually encourage it but tell ya what, toots! If you can find
some suck. ..er kind soul to charge it to their account, I can let you
have it!"Mrs. Sarkisian pondered.
"Great!" Quinn beamed- as she started to whip out her cellphone.
"Un-unh! Use this one! I insist!" Mrs. Sarkisian snapped as she
suddenly lifted up a large black metallic rotary-dialed telephone from
behind the counter and slung it on her desk so hard that it rang its bell
and shook the many photos of Mrs. Sarkisian's family.
"But. .." Quinn gulped.
"S'matta? You've never used a phone without a keypad before?"Mrs.
Sarkisian asked- as she adjusted her earpiece so she could monitor the
conversation.
"The Guptys have one but. ..you want me to put my finger where
unpopular people have gone before?" Quinn asked in horror.
"Here! Make it snappy!" Mrs. Sarkisian insisted as she brandished her
pencil from her beehive and handed it to Quinn who picked it up as though it
was from the bottom of a cesspool then gingerly used it to dial a number.
 
 
 
Inside a locked desk, a cellphone was heard to ring. The desk was part
of a hospital bedtray and Jamie White tried to reach for it but his broken
right arm was in a sling being adjusted by a comely,blonde nurse with
flashing green eyes.
"Cedars of Lawndale, Jamie White's room- Nurse Irís Sepulveda
speaking!" Irís answered with a slight Barcelonan accent.
"Is Jamie OK, I need to ask him a favor?" Quinn asked.
"Ku-- inh?!" Jamie groaned and struggled to reach for the phone.
"He's been in an altercation with two others today and needs his
rest,"Irís snapped.
"Tell him I like him and I'll visit him as soon as I can find an
outfit that won't clash or blend in with the hospital walls!" Quinn
insisted.
"Oh. .ay!" Jamie wanly cheered.
"Since your voice is helping his morale, I'll convey your request!"
Irís conceded.
"Great! There's a $45 sweater at Cashman's I need so if he could give
out his charge card number and consent, I'd be more than happy to kiss his
cheekbone next time I see him!" Quinn chirped.
"Oh, oy!" Jamie yelped.
"I'm sorry but neither he nor his amigos can help. However, you might tell them to save some green scrubs til my shift ends at eight," Irís fumed as she abruptly hung up the phone whilst the three J's in various states of injuries wanly pleaded with her not to do so.
 
"I need to exchange this-" Mrs. Johannsen screamed in line behind Quinn
as she brandished a red spandex tube top mutilated from bursting.
"Not now! It's an emergency !" Quinn pleaded while Mrs. Johannsen
was wheezing.
"So's my love life!" snapped Mrs. Johannsen.
"Celeste, while I'm pretending I didn't hear that , Miss
Morgendorffer can try again," shuddered Mrs. Sarkisian.
 
 
Quinn silently prayed for better luck this time while the metal dial
made its grinding sound. .
"Hello, Stacy!" Quinn chirped.
"Quinn. Is that you? Sorry I couldn't make it today but I'm busy
organizing my wardrobe to make room and. .." Stacy prattled on her cell.
"Listen, Stacy, I need a big favor. I want to buy a sweater for Dad's
birthday but I'm a little short so could you give them your charge card
number then I can pay you back?" Quinn asked while her right arm was getting
weary holding the ancient metal receiver.
"That would be no problem, Quinn!" Stacy beamed.
"Great, this is about the nicest thing a friend's done for me!"Quinn
chirped.
"Er. .. about the nicest? You mean I haven't done enough?" Stacy
nervously asked.
"Don't be silly, Stacy! You've done more than enough!" Quinn replied
with a slight tremor.
"Oh, no! If you don't think I'm the nicest, that means Tiffany barely
tolerates me and Sandi hates me with a passion!" Stacy sniffed.
"That's not true at all," Quinn earnestly replied.
"So, not only am I not a nice person, I'm also a liar! Oh, no! Now
I'll be shunned from the Fashion Club and cast into. . the . .UNpopular crowd!
What'll I do, Quinn?" Stacy burst into tears.
"Stacy. ." Quinn tried to say.
"It was good being friends with you Quinn! Save yourself from being
dragged down by the likes of me!" Stacy bawled and hyperventilated as she hung up the phone.
 
"Miss Morgendorffer. .." Mrs. Sarkisian thundered as she started to grab
the phone from Quinn's hands while the line behind Mrs. Johannsen was
already out the door of the department.
"One more, please!"Quinn wailed.
"Oh, alright but if you don't get a buyer this time, I'm keeping the
sweater behind the counter and you'll have to get at the back of the line
for further service!" Mrs. Sarkisian snapped.
 
"Hello, Tiffany?" Quinn asked a few moments later with dozens of angry
pairs of eyes glaring at her.
"Quinn," Tiffany answered as she was painting her toenails.
"I need to get a sweater for Dad's birthday today and I'm a little
short so could you give Cashman's your credit card number so they can charge
you? I'll pay them back," Quinn nervously chirped.
"Of. .course. ..I. .will . .be . .. hap- py. ..to" Tiffany replied as
she put down the polish brush and went for her credit card.
"This is Mrs. Charmaine Sarkisian, Customer Service Director at
Cashman's. I'll need your name as it appears on your card," Mrs. Sarkisian
insisted as she put the tiny mouthjack near her mouth while starting to type
the info into her computer console.
"Su- ure! It's.. .Tih-fah-nnh-nny. . . Bl-l-l-uhm. .Deh-eh-eck-ler,"
Tiffany replied.
"Could you spell it out?" Mrs. Sarkisian asked.
"Eye. ..Tee," answered Tiffany.
"Hah-hah-hah, I meant your name," Mrs. Sarkisian insisted with
decreasing patience.
"'T' as in. ..turquoise. .and. .topaz. .and tiara. Do you sell.
.turquoise. topaz . .tiaras?" Tiffany asked.
"I think I can manage the first name. Your surname, please!" Mrs.
Sarkisian groaned.
"It's 'B' as in bauble. .and bubble. 'L' as in. .loungewear. .'U' as
in. ."Tiffany spelled out.
"B-L-U-M! GOT that! Is Deckler D-E-C-K or D-E-K-K-L-E-R?""Mrs.
Sarkisian snapped as getting closer to boiling.
"Um. .. .. you don't have to shout. .! I lost my place! I'll have
to start over. 'T' as in tur-"Tiffany started.
"BAAH!!" Mrs. Sarkisian exploded as she abruptly grabbed the metal
receiver from Quinn's right hand and slammed the phone down.
"But Mrs. Sarkisian. .?" Quinn wailed.
" I've wasted way too long with this crap! Go outside and try
to find someone on your own- then get back to the end of the line!"Mrs.
Sarkisian insisted.
"You don't mean. .?" Quinn asked.
"That's right!"Mrs. Sarkisian replied.
"[GASP] The Doorway Bench!" Quinn wailed as Mrs. Sarkisian pointed
her to it.
 
" I don't want to be seen with old ladies in saggy hose waiting for
busses and brats jumping up and down waiting for their moms to finish
shopping, when will this torment end?" Quinn wailed as she left but saw no
alternative.
So,she disheartenedly and slowly walked her way to the Doorway Bench
between the inside and outside Cashman store doors, taking her headscarf and
sunglasses out of her purse so no one would mistake her for anyone beside
'Quinnie O'! She looked at her Pocket Pilot and saw another name.
 
At that moment, in Washington D.C. Jodie Landon was happily sitting in
a prestigious auditorium. While she was honored to be there and receive her
latest commendation, she was more grateful that this meant her parents
Andrew and Michelle were too busy gloating to nag her their usual quotas
today. Jodie was next to the aisle wearing her Grandma Jessup's finest pearl
necklace in addition to her most formal dress and blouse. Michelle was in
her usual business suit but with Egyptian gold earrings seated to the right
of her elder daughter with the preteen Rachel in her Sunday best seated on
their mother's right side and the toddler Evan in sitting to his next elder
sister's right but with their black-suited and proud father Andrew resting
his left hand on his son's shoulder. None of them had any the slightest
inkling what humiliation was ready to befall them the next moment. That's
when Jodie's cellphone rang. The speaker stopped the speech and 600 pairs of
eyes from all over the auditorium glared at her. Jodie knew she had no time
to waste as she looked at the cell's display.
"Jodie, can. .?" Quinn started to say over the cell.
"Quinn, I'm in DC moments away from Maya Angelou giving me a plaque from
George Washington U. ."Jodie whispered.
"Eww! Why would you want George Washington's plaque-even with a Mayan angel channeling it?", " Quinn cringed as she hung up the phone.
"Sorry, everyone," Jodie apologized in a normal tone.
"Jodie, how could you forget at a time like this to turn that cell
'off-off'"hissed her angry mother Michelle while Evan and Rachel were cracking up laughing at their oldest sibling's embarassment.
"I didn't! I forgot that Quinn's cell has 'Off-Off Override'!" Jodie
groaned.
 
 
Back in Lawndale, a phone rang and a hand was seen
putting down a hair dryer. The hand belonged to Brittany Taylor and she had
been using it to dry out a pom-pom.
"Hello, Brittany? It's me, Quinn!" Quinn chirped- a little more
desperately than usual.
"Hi, Quinn," Brittany squeaked.
"Listen, I'm at Cashman's and I'm a little short of funds at the moment
and I need to get a sweater for someone so could you give out your credit
card number and buy it for me? I'll try to back you back real soon!" Quinn
asked.
"Sure ! Who's the sweater for?" Brittany asked as she started
twirling the ends of her hair.
"It's for Dad's birthday today!" Quinn explained.
"I didn't know it was his birthday!" Brittany squealed.
" Well, it is. ." Quinn replied.
"Hmm, how come you know it's his birthday but I don't?"Brittany
asked.
"Because it's for my Dad and I'm his daughter!" Quinn replied.
"So you want me to buy your Dad a present on Daddy's birthday? At least Kevin spent his own money buying his Dad a present on Daddy's birthday! Hmmph!" Brittany snapped as she hung up on Quinn.
 
At that moment, Daria and her friends, the two youngest Lanes of her
generation were walking down a sidewalk pulling a red wagon with several
wrapped presents.
"Shouldn't we be meeting Wally and the Beav right about now?" Daria
asked.
"Come on, it's only another block! You two could use some exersion.
Keeps the mind active!" Jane proclaimed as she continued to pull the
wagon.
"Sorry 'bout the Tank dying!" Trent shrugged.
"We couldn't have fit these presents in your regular car," Jane
scoffed.
"Besides, we're probably getting back home faster this way!" Daria
quipped.
"And this is a good thing, Morgendorffer?" Jane laughed.
"Whoa, Janey! Her folks are having us celebrate Mr. M's big day an'
Daria needs our support!" Trent countered.
"She knows I'm kidding," Jane laughed.
" Mom said Quinn and I could each have some friends over. I guess
she didn't want to chance me running out on them with the friends
they've invited," Daria explained.
"And since Tom's debate team's away this week in Switzerland. ." Jane
pondered.
"I'd have had you all over. Since Quinn's Fashion Fiends will be
there," Daria groaned.
"At least you don't have to worry about Jamie-Jeffy-Joey," Jane
countered.
"Yeah, but with them in traction, there goes half my tutoring
payments!" Daria groaned.
 
Quinn was desperate! It was 5:45- only fifteen minutes before she was
due back home and here she was stuck in the Doorway Bench with no gift
for Jake in hand. She saw the number and keyed it in. She knew it could
cause trouble but it couldn't be worse than what she'd have to endure
coming home sans gift.. .
 
"Who'd be calling? Don't they know he's in Switzerland?" Jane
asked.
"Someone volunteering for cuckoo duty," Daria deadpanned as she saw
Quinn's number on the cellphone display.
"It's me, Quinn! I'm sorry I got your number off of Mom's Caller ID
from the time you called to let Daria know you'd be late but since your
family's loaded and I'm broke, I REALLY need you to. .." Quinn spilled
out.
"Quinn," Daria replied.
"And whatever you do, don't tell Daria I called because she'd
kill me if she found out I was begging for you to charge a sweater at
Cashman's for Dad's birthday but I forgot his birthday and Mom's
Already.. ." Quinn prattled on.
"QUINN!" Daria repeated.
"What happened to your voice? OMIGAWD! Daria what are you doing
with Tom's cell?" Quinn gasped.
"Tom left it with me for safekeeping while he's in Switzerland.
. Never mind that, what do you mean you forgot Dad's birthday?" Daria
asked.
" Well, with all theses sales and everything, it just flew out of my
mind. Anyway, I've got fifteen minutes before Dad's birthday dinner and
I don't have a gift so could I borrow. ..?" Quinn begged.
"No," Daria groaned.
"What? But I can't come back empty-handed!" Quinn pleaded.
"What part of-. .?" Daria started.
"Oh, don't tell me you're going to give me that tired old 'what
part of no don't I understand' line!" Quinn snapped.
"No, I was going to ask you what part of bor-row don't you
understand? I could pay Harvard in cash if you paid back
half what you owe me," Daria grumbled.
 
At that very moment back at Cashman's Doorway Bench.
"Ka-Winn!" Sandi sneered.
"[GASP]!" Quinn gasped and hung up her cell.
"Calling that cousin/sister/whatever who lives at your house?"
Sandi sneered.
"I was merely about to hang up on a solicitor! Are you ready?"
Quinn gulped.
"Ka-Winn, save your stories for a magazine lay-out. I know all
about your preDICament! When I phoned Tiffany, she was spelling out her
name and then I called Stacy and she was apologizing for not being the
Fashion Club's best friend ever," Sandi sneered.
"You put two-and-two together from that?" Quinn asked in
puzzlement.
" In addition, Mother phoned me of how your mother has enlisted
you to corral my monster siblings. Since you'll be sparing me of that
unfashionable yoke, I'm willing to forgive you for not coming to me with
your. . .problem" Sandi insisted- as she pushed several large Cashman's
bags in Quinn's lap.
"Oh, that's so wonderful of you, Sandi! Does this mean you'll help
me by buying that sweater for Dad?" Quinn asked.
"No, my funds are marked for more noble purposes, but I will aid you
in your quest. Come with me, Ka-Winn, before someone fashionable sees
us at the Doorway Bench!" Sandi ordered as she breezed ahead of Quinn
while Quinn struggled with the Cashman's bags.
 
Upon reaching Sandi's convertable, Quinn put the bags in the
backseat.
"We only have ten minutes before I'm due home!"Quinn pleaded.
"If you could allow a little pay-tience, I could solve your
predicament," Sandi sneered- as she pressed a lever and opened her
convertable's trunk.
"You have something in your trunk? "Quinn gasped.
"If you prefer going home emptyhanded. ."Sandi sniffed.
"No, not at all. I'm very grateful for this," Quinn insisted.

Sandi started walking towards her trunk and Quinn followed her-
hoping it wasn't going to be a spare tire or jack she'd have to give
Jake. She was relieved. Sandi had totally emptied and cleaned her trunk
of everything save for one rather large bottle.
"Since your Dad's of the Old School, he might appreciate some
classic scent! Could I have some assistance?" Sandi asked as she
motioned Quinn to help her take out the large bottle.
" 'Paul Bunyan's Blue Ox Aftershave'? Where did you get this?" Quinn
asked as she saw the gallon-sized bottle's label with a picture
of the folklore lumberjack and ox and struggled with the bottle-
complete with wheels on the bottom.
"Are you questioning the source of your salVAYtion, Ka-Winn?" Sandi
asked as they set it on the parking lot asphalt.
"I'd never do that, Sandi. Was it from that three day period
when you went retro?" Quinn asked.
"Ka-Winn!" Sandi boiled," For the millionth time, I, Sandi Griffin,
have NEVER 'gone retro'. I was in that revived classic attire because of that
mailroom mixup!"
"It just seems odd that 'Waif' would send you a 1947 issue and
you wouldn't see the date because it being covered by the address label-
for three days," Quinn pondered.
"In any case, at the time I purchased this gift, I thought it
would go for a good cause. That's all you need to know," Sandi
sighed as she swallowed a tear.
 
For a few moments, Sandi thought back to that time in which
shedressed up like a 1940's movie star and presented this large bottle
to. that feodoraed, zoot-suited, vintage-snob. .. Nathan.
 
"You thought that I'd like this industrial swill? Nathan sneered.
"The clerk at Forgotten Scents said that it was a favorite of 1940's
Hollywood types," Sandi pleaded.
"For grips and set builders wanting to impress their floozies at the
automat by using this to cover up not taking the time to shower! You
may look like a less-perky version of a young Lauren Bacall, but you
don't have what it takes to be worthy of being seen with me!" Nathan
sneered as he abruptly opened the door then revved up his vintage convertable-
leaving Sandi all alone as she burst into tears.
 
"Um. Are you alright, Sandi?" Quinn asked.
"Fine! We need to get this wrapped and deposit you home. Luckily, I
always carry wrapping paper so when I unwrap my clothes, they'll look
even better than how the store wrapped them!" Sandi beamed as she and
Quinn wrapped the gallon-sized bottle.
"I never knew you'd purchase cologne in bulk," Quinn giggled.
"Expanded sample, Quinn! Expanded !" Sandi groaned.
 
 
"Hmm," Jane hmmed as the trio was rounding the corner.
"What? You think I should have done the sisterly thing and given
Quinn a break?" Daria asked.
"I didn't say anything. Just 'hmm'," Jane replied.
" Come on," Daria scoffed.
"Actually, I was going to ask you about your cell-guard duty. Any
other odd calls?" Jane asked.
"Just a few recordings telling him he's won trips,"Daria replied.
"Speaking of trip. Wait til you girls hear what I've composed for
Mr. M's birthday!" Trent beamed.
"Trent, you want them to invite us back! " Jane cautioned.
" My folks do serve things found on the Food Pyramid!" Daria
added.
"Okay, I'll just save it for another time," Trent groaned while
Daria gave him a fraternal pat on the shoulder.
"Dear God," Daria sighed.
"You want me to sing?" Trent asked.
"No, look who my folks invited! The Yeagers," Daria groaned as
each group came into the Morgendorffer driveway and she saw that VW Beetle pull up.
"Those are the people you fled like they were Ebola carriers?
Never knew you were a snob! You are Quinn's sister!" Jane sneered.
"Janey, don't dis Daria so quick. They look cool, though," Trent
surmised.
" I wasn't being a snob! I just knew that they and my folks
would try to fake being wild hippies- and I wanted no part of the
scene!" Daria scoffed.
"Daria, you sure have. ..matured since we last saw you! Who are your
compadres?" Coyote Willow asked as he got out of the car and bearhugged
her.
"Jane and Trent Lane," Daria replied- barely maintaining her
civility.
Daria thought about bolting but. .
"Hey, you two! How was your trip?" Jake asked as he bounded out of the Morgendorffer House in a suit.
"Not as great as the trips we used to take!"Coyote chortled while
Jake and Helen sheepishly did their best to cooly fake laughs.
"Oh, God," Daria groaned as she covered her face.
"Um.. he meant the trips we all took to the . .. Grand Canyon!
Right, Coyote?" Helen nudged while gritting her teeth-and nudging
Coyote.
"Whatever turns you on. .er yeah. .we just loved that .. Grand
Canyon!" Coyote sheepishly replied.
"Say, where's Willow?" Helen asked.
"She's not up for travelling cos she's doing a bit of prenatal care-"Ethan started to say.
"Jane, Trent, these are our old chums Coyote and Ethan Yeager!" Jake
introduced- while Jane's eyes suddenly enlarged.
" We met once! Mr. Yeager. ."Trent started.
"Please, dude. It's Coyote!" Coyote insisted.
" Didn't you and your wife used to sell turquoise rings with secret
compartments outside Taos?"Trent asked.
"That's right," Ethan replied.
" I remember my folks hiking with my older sisters and brother-
while Mom carried me in a knapsack like a papoose. She bought one of your
rings and I remember teethin' on it!" Trent insisted.
"Mom's always had unconventional nutrition ideas," Jane laughed.
"Come inside everyone! I've got dinner ready!" Helen invited.
"But can't I open the presents first , Helen?" Jake asked.
"Not until after dinner!" Helen insisted.
"But you always make me wait for them, Christmas, Anniversary,
Father's Day! Today's my BIRTHday! Please ! Mom never put off my opening
presents. ..at least when Dad wasn't around,"Jake insisted.
"Oh, alright! We'll go inside the living room and open the presents!"
Helen boiled- not wanting the neighbors to see this scene.

The Lanes, Yeagers and all the resident Morgendorffers sans
Quinn went inside.
"What's inside the box, Helen? Come on, Helen! Don't make me guess!"
Jake insisted as he eagerly grabbed the large oblong box.
"Your dad's sure restrained,"Ethan commented under his breath to
Daria.
" I wish he were !" Daria shuddered.
"New golf clubs!" Jake eagerly enthused as he grabbed one out of
the bag.
"Titanium so you can't bend or break them in frustration . .Jake
NOT in the house!" Helen groaned as Jake he stopped his swing. .but not
in time to keep from shattering the fruit bowl atop the coffee table.
Daria shook her head and wished that she and the Lanes were
anywhere but there- and was jealous of Quinn for being late enough to
miss this.
"Dad, here's Tom's gift!" Daria deadpanned- hoping it would
distract everyone else.
" It's an 1869 Union Pacific Transcontinental Locomotive! Man, that's
going to be smokin' on the Big Jake Express! Toot Toot!" Jake yelled
and pulled an imaginary whistle chain as he opened the package with the
model inside while Helen and Daria cringed.
"Jake, here's something Ethan made that we'd like you to have!"
Coyote added as he pulled out a breadbox sized hemp bag.
"Aw, a hemp bag? That's so rad !" Jake shouted with glee.
"No, Mr. Morgendorffer, it's what's inside !" Ethan droned.
"Wow! These take me back! I love these sandals, " Jake
enthused as he started to take off his shoes and socks.
"Er. .Jake, you're in a suit," Helen admonished.
"But it's my birthday and this'll give me a chance to recapture my
youth! Look they fit my feet like gloves. How'dja remember my size was
10D?" Jake asked as he started running around the room in them.
" Mine,too," Ethan related.
Daria shook her head and shuddered for she knew what was coming
next.
"Say, these look just like the ones you wore last time you
visited us!" Jake proclaimed.
"Cos, they are! I quit wearing 'em when I kept slipping
in 'em while rock climbing," Ethan explained as everyone but Coyote
took notice of his bare feet.
"Cool!" commented Trent as he gave Ethan a thumbs up.
"You mean?! EWWWWW!!!" Jake shuddered as he quickly ripped them
off his feet then crawled on his knees.
"I only wore 'em to funerals, weddings, family vacations," Ethan shrugged.
"Don't sweat it. He freaked over my toothbrush. Nothing personal,"
Trent scoffed while Jake had made his way on his knees to the kitchen
sink and had climbed atop it to wash and scrub his feet to Helen's
mortification.
"Um.. very thoughtful of you. Jake just didn't realize how much
they clashed with his suit, "Helen groaned.
"Mom recycles and thought it would be better he'd get 'em than a
stranger," Ethan shrugged.
Jake dried off his feet then rejoined the rest momentarily while
Daria buried her head in her hands thinking the only thing to do next
was.. .
"Here's something you might like,Dad," Daria said while she gave
Jake a package that he opened.
"'The New York Times Top 500 Crossword Puzzles of the 20th
Century!'- and you've done the hard parts already! Thanks, kiddo!" Jake
enthused-having bounced back to Helen's relief.
"Here's something from us Lanes to you Morgendorffers," Jane
enthused as she and Trent took out a very large framed package from the
Radio Flyer wagon.
 
Just outside the front door. .
"I don't think you'd be interested in Dad's birthday. His friends
are very UNfashionable," Quinn nervously chirped.
"Today, I feel that I must do my best to spread the fashion word .
Besides, are you saying that I'm good enough to risk getting worry lines
waiting for you, drive you to Cashman's then bestow upon you a gift for
your FAH-ther but I'm not good enough to join your family inside?" Sandi
accused.
"Don't be. .."Quinn started to say before Sandi's cellphone rang.
"Mother? . .But I've just been invited to Ka-Winn's Dad's birthday
.. the Dresden china, Persian rugs. .. washing machine. .. surely Ka-Winn
could. .. No, Mother, I guess you are right about us not needing
witnesses to their DE-struction! I'll be home at my earliest
conVENience," Sandi groaned.
"I'm sorry you can't make it to Dad's birthday!" Quinn replied-
doing her best not to let on her relief over Sandi not attending.
"As long as I can provide enlightenment to your family's
otherwise pedestrian and tedious lives by my gift, it will be reward
enough- even in my absence!" Sandi grandly proclaimed as she drove off
while Quinn had just enough time to struggle with the gigantic wrapped
aftershave bottle- with its card previously attached that she had
hastily signed.
 
"Mom, I'm sorry I'm late but. .." Quinn gulped as she walked
into the house pushing a large wrapped box on PC hard drive wheels.
"Quinn, this better be a good present or else!" Helen
thundered.
"Oh, it's something Dad will never forget!" Quinn chirped.
"Well, you missed the earlier part of the present opening so
you'll have to be last !" Helen boiled.
"Aw Helen, don't be so hard on her," Jake whined.
" Jake, being too easy on her has caused tons of problems!
We'll open Jane's present first," Helen seethed.
"Yes, Helen," Jake sighed but then opened the outer paper and was
about to open the inner lining when. . .
"POPPIES!!" Jake and Quinn screamed with joy while Daria suddenly
froze and convulsively shook while Helen shuddered and Quinn bolted towards the
bubble wrap that Jake was already starting to pop the individual bubbles
within with their hands (and Jake with his toes).
"Jane, I know you didn't know, but the Morgendorffer gene has some
kind of defect when it comes to bubble wrap," Helen groaned.
"But, Daria isn'-." Jane said in puzzlement then Daria actually
lunged forward to the outer wrapping.
"Poh-pees/ Buh-ble wrap!" Daria sang to the tune of 'Row, Row, Row
Your Boat' and also started popping- with a cool but possessed expression on her face.
"Daria's tried to train herself to hold out but she's no match for
their magnetic pull. Well, you lasted ten seconds. A new record,honey!"
Helen groaned while Daria joined the others until every last bubble was
popped.
"HA! I popped the most because it was birthday and I could use my
toes!" Jake taunted in triumph.
"Allow me to open the rest of the package,"icily commanded Helen as
she pried the popped bubble wrap from the three genetic Morgendorffers'
fingers.
"It's a painting! Thanks, Jane!" Jake eagerly cheered upon seeing the
three by two foot oil on canvas work.
"What is it?" Coyote asked.
"It's my vision of the Morgendorffer Coat of Arms! Upper Left-Hand
Quadrant has Mr. Morgendorrfer's Golf Club Over Pasta. Upper Right-Hand
has Mrs. Morgendorffer's Attache Case Over the Scales of Justice. Lower
Left-Hand has Daria's Glasses over Book. ." Jane explained.
"Dante's 'Inferno'! I like that!" Daria beamed with her Mona Lisa
smile emerging momentarily.
"And Lower Left Hand Corner is Quinn's Compact Mirror Over Credit
Card," Jane finished while Helen glared daggers at that part of the
painting.
"We can hang it on the mantle!" Jake enthused.
"Not just yet, one thing needs finishing!" Helen ascertained.
Before anyone could think to stop her, she pulled out a red magic
marker and from the coffee table drawer and made a 'not' symbol over
Quinn's Credit card.
" Now , it's true to life!" Helen beamed while Quinn shuddered.
" Can we open my gift now?" Quinn asked as she pulled the large
wheeled box into the room.
"Sure, my baby! That's some package there!" Jake beamed.
"I got it at Cashman's and. ." Quinn started to explain as Jake
unwrapped the gigantic bottle of Paul Bunyan's Blue Ox After Shave.
He started to look a little puzzled and confused.
"Jake, it's aftershave. Though, I've never seen men's aftershave in
such a huge bottle before," Helen tried to explain.
"I'm not . .sure about this, honey," Jake paused as he went a bit
pale.
"Just push down the damn pump on top and squirt it into your
hand," Helen insisted.
Jake did so with disastrous results.
"GAH!!" Jake gasped- along with everyone else in the room at the stench.
" Please no, Daddy! Mah-mee?" Jake called out in a tiny voice much
higher than before.

Chapter 2: Divided Lanes

"DAD?!" Quinn screamed.
"Jake, speak to me!" Helen ordered but in a panicked tone.
"Dad? You okay?" Daria worriedly asked.
Jake suddenly sat down next to the bottle but didn't say
anything else.
"What's happening?!" Quinn screamed as she burst into tears.
"Oh, man! He's gotten himself into a bummer!" Coyote shuddered.
"Dad, didn't you once say he told you something about his
Dad's doing something awful after he gave him cologne?" Ethan asked.
"Oh, yeah. Helen, me and Jake were smoking her. . herring and
he said something about his old man REALLY going off on him when he was
about six after he gave his dad a present! I'd forgotten it was
cologne," Coyote shuddered.
"Jakey! Your father's dead, you're safe with me and all of us
here love and care about you!" Helen forcefully shouted.
Jake just stared blankly ahead.
"Dad, we've made all your favorites ! Have some manicotti and mint
chocolate chip cake!" "Quinn pleaded through her tears as she ran from
the dinner table with those items.
Even after Quinn blew their aromas into his nose, Jake still
just sat there.
"Looks like you've checked out of this world into one of your own.
I have to admit that sometimes tempts me but. ." Daria started to say.
"Daria! " Helen shouted,"She didn't mean it, Jake!"
At that moment the portable phone rang and Quinn quickly rushed to
answer it.
"Grandma Ruth! How's your canasta cruise and. .." Quinn nervously
asked before Helen grabbed the receiver.
"Oh fine, sweety! Is my Birthday Boy Jakey there?" the white
haired Ruth Morgendorffer holding a portable phone and wearing a muumuu and lei shouted over oil-drum calypso music on the party deck.
"Sorry Ruth but Jake's in a state of shock after getting some bad
aftershave as a gift from. .." Helen started to explain while Quinn
shook her head and waved her hands begging Helen not to say her name
silently.
"Someone here besides me, Daria, the Lanes and Yeagers."Helen
seethed.
"My poor baby boy!" Ruth cried.
"Anyway, he's not speaking or eating and we were wondering if you
might have any details or insight. Coyote Yeager seems to think it had
something to do with a bad event with your late husband and aftershave
when he was six," Helen asked.
"I can't really say! You know I'd move Heaven and Earth to help
out my Jakey but this cruise is pre-paid and nonrefundable so I'll
have to suffer alone without my family here. Anyway, when all else
fails, Jakey'll eat. .." Ruth explained.
"Apricot JelloÒ with extra skin!" Helen and Ruth said in unison.
"You remember! Now, can you put the phone up to Jakey's ear for
me?" Ruth asked.
"Jake, it's your mother! PLEASE try to say something!" Helen
pleaded.
"It's Mommy! Happy Birthday, Jakey! It breaks my heart to hear you're like this but
remember that Mommy loves you no matter what- even more now that you
can't backtalk. ." Ruth beamed over the phone to Jake's total
nonresponse.
" LIMBO!" someone on deck was heard to call in the background.
"Gotta go,Jakey! They've just lowered the limbo bar to 5 foot six
so I won't hit my head. Remember when it rains to wear your rubbers!"
Ruth exclaimed as she hung up and joined the limbo dance in progress.
"Eww!" exclaimed Quinn who could hear her.
" Galoshes , Quinn! That's Grandma's word for galoshes !" Daria
groaned.
"Whoa! I gotta split!" Trent shuddered.
"Trent, come back here, deadbeat!" Jane snarled as Trent left.
"I'm sure Trent has his reasons," Daria tried to explain.
"Oh, yeah! Typical. He just walks out and leaves us high and dry.
.." Jane ranted.
"After 22 years with nothing to show for it but the corns on your
feet and a rash. ." Daria countered doing her best Barch imitation imaginable.
"Oh, God! Did I go Barch ?" Jane asked.
"It's okay! Now I can hold this over you instead of doling out
hush money!"Daria quipped.
At that moment, Trent burst into burst into the room out of breath
but carrying his guitar.
"Trent how'd you run to our house then back here carrying your
guitar?" Jane asked.
"It's an emergency so I did what I had to," Trent replied.
" But it's blocks away," Daria noted.
" Hey, I don't believe in streets, sidewalks and fences so I took
a shortcut!" Trent responded.
"Please, give it a try!" Helen pleaded.
Trent strummed a few cords on his guitar then sang:
 
"I know you want to stay where you are/
But we don't want you to go too far/
We want back here with us Mister M/
Please come home and let us know ya again!"

For the next half-hour, Trent sang to everyone's desperation then. .
"Please no, Dad! Mah-mee?!" Jake uttered in his most childish
voice.
"Jake, you're back!" Helen cheered as she, Quinn, Coyote and
Trent all hugged him.
"Dad?" Daria asked- as she realized he was still stuck in that
memory.
"You know 'LA Woman'?" Coyote asked Trent.
"Dad, I think that's a few years after Mr. Morgendorffer's
memory," Ethan explained.
" I know but it'd have been cool to hear again!" Coyote mused.
"Jane, Trent, I want to thank you for all you've done trying to
help Mr. Morgendorffer out of this but. .it may be more than any of us can handle.
Here's some manicotti for you to take home!" Helen insisted as she put
two large plastic containers in their hands.
"Thanks for trying, Trent,"almost everyone else echoed.
"No, thanks, Mrs. Morgendorffer. I just can't eat right now,"
Trent groaned.
"Me either but it couldn't hurt for us to take it home when our
hunger DOES overpower all other thought!" Jane considered.
"Thanks for your gifts and for being here!" Helen sighed.
"Before I go, Quinn. Just out of curiosity. Where did you get
that. . unusual card?" Jane asked.
"It came with the bottle. Why do you ask?" Quinn quipped.
"No reason. Just wondered if you'd have been interested in
someone like him," Jane shrugged.
"Schoolbus yellow coat and hat, greasy hair? EWWWW! Puh-LEEZE!
I can't even imagine Daria being such a total and desperate loser as
to want that ! Hello?! Worse than tweed with elbow patches!" Quinn shuddered.
" I can't thank you enough for your insight," Jane icily replied.
" Jane, Trent, sorry we had to meet like this but it was good
meeting you two," Ethan said as he shook the Lane's hands.
"Cool. Keep the faith, man!" Trent replied as he was shaking
Ethan's hand.
"Likewise, maybe we'll meet again!" Jane pondered with a noticable
smile.
" I'll get back when I can," Daria insisted as the Lanes
sadly left the house.

"Quinn, do we have the JelloÒ ?" Helen asked.
"Skin and all, Mom!" Quinn replied as Helen put a spoonful to
Jake's lips- and he actually did take it in his mouth, swish it around
and swallowed it but without the slightest change in his vacant
expression.
"At least you won't starve, Jake!" Helen consoled.
" Should we make a DependsÒ run?" Daria asked.
" I have an idea! Coyote, Ethan, would you carry Jake up to our
bedroom so we can. . talk!"Helen insisted while giving her daughters a
warning look.
"Sure! Ethan, you know what to do," Coyote insisted as he
stretched his arms overhead,grabbed his hands together while Ethan
lifted the prone Jake onto his right arm,flung him headfirst over his
right shoulder while grabbing Jake's knees with his elbow, then started
walking towards the stairs.
"WOW! You sure are strong, Ethan! How are you able to carry Dad so
easily?" Quinn gushed while Ethan started climbing the stairs.
"Practice," Ethan laconically replied while momentaily shooting
Coyote a steely glare.
Helen followed them up the stairs, with her daughters and Coyote
behind her.
"Ethan, just put Mr. Morgendorffer on the bed and close the door
behind you on your way out while we talk ! Quinn, why don't you and
Daria play Trivial PursuitÒ with the Yeagers for a while," Helen ordered
as she slammed the door shut.
"Mo-om, I don't wanna. .." Quinn pleaded.
In a moment, Ethan exited and suddenly was heard Jefferson
Airplane's '(Don't You Want) Somebody to Love' blasting from the
parental stereo in their bedroom.
"DARIA! CAN YOU AND ETHAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY?" Quinn shouted with intense discomfort and embarassment.
"SURE, SIS! WHAT COLOR PIE WHEEL DO YOU WANT?" Daria asked.
"GREEN!" shouted Ethan.
For the next fifteen minutes, the girls and Ethan played the game
while doing their best to shout their moves over the repeated playings
of 'Someone to Love'.

"Something bugging ya besides Mr. M's shut-down?" Trent asked Jane as they
were walking back to Casa Lane dragging the wagon behind them.
"Trent, I know you meant well but thanks for nothing with your
caterwauling!" Jane sneered.
"Whoa, Janey! You'd better be careful not to say what you don't mean!
" Trent snapped.
"But I DO mean it! There Mr. Morgendorffer was all vegged out and
you had to croak and twang," Jane boiled.
"Music's my life and I thought I could grab onto Mr. M's soul
before it went over the edge. I had to try ," Trent groaned.
"Trent, there's a time and place for everything and. .." Jane
snapped.
" You want me to bury my soul when it could save someone we care
about?" Trent gasped.
"Oh, yeah, something that barely gets your foot in toxic dives'
doors on amateur night's gonna do that," Jane scoffed.
"Janey, you of all people know that art's not done to bleed the masses but to free the soul," Trent pleaded.
"There you go with 'soul' again! What a thankless night this
turned out to be," Jane fumed.
"Everyone in that house who could did thank me for doing my best
to help Mr. M- even Daria's sister," Trent snapped.
"Real cool, Trent! Putting Quinn on a pedestal above me-
even after you heard her call me a bigger loser than Daria!"Jane
sarcastically spat.
"Daria's no loser and neither are you, Janey- even now but you put
out feelers by asking her if she'd go out with Nathan,"Trent
seethed.
" Just can't get enough of your support, Trent,"Jane groaned.
" Hey, things'll open up for you real soon and. ." Trent started
to say.
" Don't need pity, Trent- and I don't need you ! Your 'music' holds me back! I can't count the sculptures and paintings that got shattered and streaked by that noise" Jane exploded.
"Whoa! I've never complained about your paint fumes but if that's how you want it, you won't have me around to dump on anymore. I'm moving out!" Trent countered- as they entered Casa Lane and Trent slammed the door in her face.
Jane unlocked the front door then stormed to his locked door.
"How? Where? You think I care ? You're wrong, deadbeat! I've
taken care of myself and you since I could walk and I'll do the same
without you banging around!" Jane boiled as shouted to the locked door.
 
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE CORRECT ANSWER IS BELGIUM?"Quinn shouted in reply to Daria's reading the Trivial PursuitÒ card.
"DON'T ARGUE WITH THE. ..!" Daria started to shout but at that
very moment the endless loop of that Jefferson Airplane song stopped
blasting from the stereo in the parental bedroom.
The Morgendorffer daughters along with the Yeagers froze in
anticipation despite their intense mutual discomfort at trying not to
imagine what might have been happening behind that bedroom door.
 
"Don't you WANT somebody to LOVE, JAKEY!?"Helen wailed as she was
heard bursting into tears.
"In spite of my serious revulsion at what I might see, something
tells me I need to go upstairs and . . knock,"Daria gulped as Ethan,
Coyote then Quinn followed her singlefile.
"Uh, Mom, Dad? May we come in" Daria asked.
"The door's unlocked. No point in delaying picking up the wreckage
of a beautiful bond," Helen sobbed.
Daria slowly opened the door and saw Helen quickly tying the sash
of her knee-length red silk robe and sobbing on the bed. Jake was still
on the floor with his suit somewhat more wrinkled than before but an
unchanged expression while Helen looked entirely drained- emotionally
and physically.
"Mom, are you alright?" Quinn gulped.
"No! I did my best, girls. ." Helen started.
"Eww!" Quinn and Daria replied simultaneously while shaking
their shoulders to shudder.
"But all your father did was repeat that phrase 'Please no, Daddy!
Mommy?'- exactly 37 minutes after the last time," Helen groaned.
"Man, that's some flashback!" shuddered Coyote.
"Not that you would have personal knowledge of one, right
Dad?" sarcastically sighed Ethan.
"Ethan, at least your father's with you," Helen berated.
"Hold on, now. Helen, I think the boy's got some idea and. ."
Coyote replied.
"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to get professionals on this
one first thing in the morning. This has been just about the WORST day
of my life. Goodnight, everyone!" Helen groaned as Quinn and, yes, Daria
actually came up to her and hugged her tight.
Even Daria could see that Helen needed that reassurance.
"Goodnight, Dad. We're here for you even if you aren't,"
sniffed Quinn as she and Daria clutched his lifeless hands.
 
"[SIGH]!" sighed Quinn.
Daria was roused from her half-sleep she'd had in the sleeping bag
on Quinn's floor but tried to ignore Quinn.
"Ahem, [SIGH]!" sighed Quinn even more loudly than before.
"Okay, Quinn! What is it?" Daria snapped.
"Are you asleep?"Quinn asked.
"No, I'm actually racing huskies in the Iditarod over Alaskan
tundra but the one thing that's keeping me going is thinking how to dump
you into the nearest crevasse if you don't let me sleep," Daria
groaned.
"I just need someone to talk to," Quinn sighed.
"Alright or I'll never get any sleep and you won't see another
sunrise!" Daria groaned.
"Do you think that at this moment, Ethan's dreaming of me?" Quinn
asked.
" Oh, Dear God. Just when I think there could be a limit to your
solipsism. .." Daria shuddered.
" I mean, here I am just across the hall and, in spite of all
that's happened tonight, I can't help but think of him," Quinn
reflected.
"Quinn, why are you interested in him? Your Fashion Fiends would
burn you together at the stake and his disdain for footwear wouldn't get
him past the front door of Chez Pierre or Cranberry Commons," Daria pondered.
" But didn't you see the way he so easily carried Dad up the stairs
and wasn't he smart at Trivial PursuitÒ ?" Quinn beamed.
"He hardly said more than three sentences to you the whole evening-
and he even talked to Trent more, "Daria considered.
"You think they were talking about me?" Quinn asked.
Daria gave Quinn her best glare in spite of the two being in
near-total darkness and Daria's vision being naturally blurred sans
glasses.
"I'll grant that he was quite helpful,"Daria
considered.
"Daria, are you interested?" Quinn gasped.
"Just because Tom's in Switzerland this next week doesn't mean . "
Daria scoffed.
"That's good to hear because we'd make a very good-looking
couple. He's sent me tokens of his affection, you know, " Quinn gushed.
"Quinn, Mom's shut herself with Dad in their room , Dad's vegged
out and God knows what's going to happen to him tomorrow. How can you
just think drivel at a time like this?"Daria shuddered.
"Because if tomorrow's going to be bleak beyond our control what else
is there to do tonight? Pleasant dreams. ..sis!" Quinn sighed.
"Goodnight, Quinn," Daria sighed and considered that Quinn might
actually have a valid point after all.
 
Hours later, Daria dreamt that Tom had opened the door of her
room, wordlessly walked up to her bed, bent down with puckered lips and
was about to plant a kiss when. .Daria opened her eyes- and, in spite of
her naturally blurred vision, realized that she was on the floor in
Quinn's room. Quinn was tossing and turning and quite restless.
"So that's how the other half-percentage sleeps, " Daria mouthed
to herself inaudibly.
Then Daria herself went back to sleep and hoped to resume her dream
but fate wouldn't be so kind this time.
Sometime later, Daria heard the front door slam shut- and, quickly
nudged Quinn while hurriedly trying to remember where on the floor she
put her glasses. Quinn saw two men carrying the prone, expressionless
Jake into a van decorated with balloons, lassos and the words 'Birthday
Buckaroos!' on the side while Helen was walking with him and climbing
into the van. The Yeagers' Beetle was no longer parked in the driveway.
"Dad?! Mo-om?! What's going on?" Quinn bolted out of her room and
down the stairs in her pink nightgown while the van screeched away with her
parents.
"Quinn, what's happening?" Daria asked in a panic after she
found her glasses that she had put on Quinn's nightstand.
The two Morgendorffer sisters stood barefoot in their driveway
in stunned silence.
" Where's Ethan?" Quinn gulped.
" I guess the Yeagers left before this happened. Right now we
need to. ." Daria attempted to order as they both reached the driveway
empty but for Helen and Jake's vacant vehicles.
" He left without saying goodbye?!" Quinn sobbed.
"Dad would have if he. .QUINN! Dad's been taken by goons at
Mom's command and you're thinking about some boy who barely talked to
you? Hit me so I can wake up from this recurring nightmare!" Daria
groaned.
Quinn did so.
"OWW! Those carrot sticks must have more iron than I thought,"
Daria gulped as she rubbed her newly sore left arm.
"Daria, I love him! Opposites distract!" Quinn boiled.
"They sure do ! I'm in no mood to argue. We need to get back
inside and plan how to find Dad again!" Daria groaned as the two padded
back inside their house.

"And soon after that, Mom called on her cell and told us one of
her clients did her a 'favor' by committing Dad with no publicity. All
weekend, we tried to pump her for info but she wouldn't budge,"Daria
explained to Jane that Monday between classes in front of their lockers.
"Well, Jake sounds in good hands being kept by someone who needed
a law firm to save their butts!"Jane snapped.
"That's what I tried to tell Mom but she's convinced that a few
days of their therapy and feeding him Apricot JelloÒ with extra skin
should do the trick- and refuses to listen to us,"Daria groaned as
she took Burke's 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire' out of her
locker.
"Anything else happen?" Jane asked.
"Nah, Quinn spent the whole weekend on a killer babysitting spree.
I rarely saw her.Hence, I could do my term paper without having to
listen to her moon about Ethan's departure," Daria scoffed.
" The Yeagers left early?" Jane queried-a bit tensely..
" Sometime in the wee hours before Dad's alien abduction. What a
weekend. Who'd have thought that working on that term paper would be my
only escape and Dad's birthday party would be the nadir?" Daria
shuddered.
"Funny how expectations rarely pan out," Jane scoffed.
"Side-splitting hilarious!" Daria groaned.
"So you've not had the chance to see Jake since the Roswell twins
beamed him away," Jane pondered.
"No. I wish I could find out something," Daria groaned.
"Well, it may not be too long before I'm out that way myself. The
minute I've got diploma in hand, I'm taking off to sketch my way
across the country carrying only my sketchbook and a change of underwear
in my backpack," Jane pondered.
"We don't have a car so that rules out us Thelma and Louise-ing,"
Daria scoffed.
"Who said it was 'we'? I'm going solo- at least as far
far as New Mexico then become the 21^st Century Georgia O'Keefe!" Jane beamed.
"Solo? We could spend a few weeks on a road trip before college
and," Daria considered.
"College? You'll find a good one and hook up with pods of fellow
brains. Me? I don't have the grades and I sure as Hell don't have the
funds. If I don't do this, my Lawndale careers will be 'paper or
plastic' or 'fries with that'! I've gotta find a new muse.
There's no one here for me anymore!" Jane snarled.
"Jane. .." Daria started to say.
"I know you're here but come September, you'll go to your new
life and I'd be all alone here. Moronic isn't it?" Jane laughed in a
strange tone.
" Look, I know your folks are even more clueless than mine but
what about Trent?" Daria asked.
"He can go to Hell!" Jane boiled.
"What?! Jane. ." Daria sputtered.
"I don't wanna talk about it," Jane seethed.
"Okay, we can. .." Daria started to say.
" We got into a major blowout after the party and he moved out!"
Jane explained.
"Moved out?" Daria asked.
"To the garage. He thinks I'm going to break down and beg him to
come back into the house but I don't need him!" Jane snapped.
"Jane!" Daria exclaimed in a rare tone of shock.
" He's working on something out there," Jane replied.
"What?" Daria asked.
"How the Hell should I know. I don't care if they're planning the
next Bum-Aid Concert and I couldn't care less what he and his
deadbeat cronies are doing- at least while Jesse's visiting his
grandparents' Ecuadorian hacienda," Jane scorned.
"Jane, don't throw away. . ." Daria started to say.
" Oh, Miss Cousin Slash Sisterhood is going to tell me how to
live! That's just jiggy, amiga ! "snarled Jane as she ran off and left Daria
even more alone than before.
 
"Dad, I wish there was a way to reach inside you. You don't know
how much I miss scoffing at your nonsense," Daria said aloud to herself
as she closed her locker.
"Daria?" a voice called out.
"Who's that?" Daria asked as she turned around and saw a blonde
girl with a large bang over her right eye and patched jeans approach her.
"Karen Disher, " Karen replied.
"I've. . .never heard you speak before. Sorry but I was having a
private conversation with. . .myself," Daria groaned.
"Daria, I know I've been in the background this whole time at
Lawndale but don't count us background folks out. You say you want to
get your Dad back? Meditation might be helpful. My boyfriend's heard what happened and can help," Karen insisted.
"Your boyfriend ?" Daria asked.
"You'd be surprised the kinds of lives we background people lead.
Did you know Andrea can do 300 birdcalls?"Karen inisted.
"Oh, God! Why. .?" Daria considered.
"I don't have much time before my next class but I have nothing to
gain by lying or misleading you. I'll give you a ride to where my
boyfriend's at after school," Karen pleaded.
"I know that I shouldn't logically be going with someone I've
never talked to before to a place I've never been to meet someone I
don't even know but maybe just this once I should just let faith guide
me. Dear God, what an unbelievable character development I've had here!"
Daria groaned.
" I know quite a bit about character development and direction," Karen laughed.
" I'll meet you in the parking lot after school. Don't you have
something to produce?" Daria asked.
"Directly," Karen insisted as she walked off.
Daria was about to go to Mr. O'Neill's class when Ms. Claire DeFoe
approached her.
"Daria, could I see you for a minute?" Ms. DeFoe asked.
"But I'm not in your class anymore, "Daria protested.
" I know but maybe you could help shed some insight. I had planned
to ask Jane but I can't find her anywhere," Ms. DeFoe explained.
Daria followed the single teacher who was simultaneously
competant and sincerely caring for her students' welfare at Lawndale
back to her classroom.
" I assigned the class to sketch this cluster of grapes but Jane
did something additional, "Ms. DeFoe pondered as she pointed to a cluster of black seedless grapes suspended from the ceiling by a wire.
The two of them stood before Jane's fresh sketch with mouths agape.
Jane had sketched herself as Cleopatra standing over the corpse of the
deposed pharaoh- her brother Ptolemy XIII clutching a lyre. Ptolemy's
face was Trent's. Cleopatra and Marc Antony each had a foot on Ptolemy's
torso and Marc Antony was thrusting a knife through Ptolemy's chest that
went clear through and pierced the lyre. Cleopatra was simultaneously
feeding Marc Antony the cluster of grapes while sneering at Ptolemy's
corpse. Marc Antony's face was that of Ethan Yeager.
"I know Jane's art is supposed to be a safe venting of her
strongest emotions into an inspiration but this is somewhat disturbing,"
Ms. DeFoe gulped.
"Yeah, Jane forgot that it was Caesar instead of Antony
who offed Ptolemy for Cleo!" Daria gulped.

Chapter 3: Helen Hath No Fury

Daria thought about Jane's paintings and her rift with Trent but
had no idea if she could solve them. Still, she thought maybe Karen
Disher could lead her to some kind of solution with Jake.
As soon as the final bell rang, Daria followed Karen out to the
parking lot and saw a Harley-DavidsonÒ with a sidecar.
"Here's your helmet!"Karen motioned to Daria.
"Hmm, if we had another 300 pounds and British accents, we could be
'Two Fat Ladies'! "Daria scoffed.
"You cook any?" Karen asked.
"Does nuking lasagna count?" Daria asked.
" It's not far where my boyfriend is but we need to get there soon
so he can explain things thoroughly," Karen insisted.
" I dunno about this meditation bit," Daria pondered.
"You of all people should know brain power. My boyfriend has
something that could tap its unlimited potential and free your Dad!"
Karen insisted as she jumpstarted the Harley and the Hog made its way
out of the parking lot.
The route seemed VERY familiar to Daria. Lawndale wasn't that big a
town so she'd long since walked or been driven too all but a few odd
corners of it. Still, this route seemed to be getting closer to where
she'd been . ..This was on the way to the Jane's neighborhood. Daria
didn't get too perturbed as she hadn't met all the neighbors there but
then the cycle started to slow down on Jane's street. Jane hadn't
introduced her to anyone there and had long since written off her
neighbors as kooks and busybodies. Then they finally stopped at. .. Casa
Lane- garage! Oh, no- Trent! Daria thought he'd been coy around her
because he didn't want to get involved with a minor so what was he doing
with . .and who was HE to try to tap mindpower?
 
" Um. .. Karen. I know someone like . .him. . must seem wordly and
intriguing. ." Daria said rather nervously after Karen stopped the
engine and they started walking towards the Casa Lane Garage.
"You have no idea, " Karen blushed.
"Yo, Karen! Glad you were able to bring her here!" Trent proclaimed
as he opened the door to the garage just as Karen was about to knock.
"Trent? Are you sure about. ." Daria gulped.
" Come inside! We're waiting!" Trent insisted.
" We?" Daria asked.
" Sure, Trent and. .." Karen started to explain.
"Greetings, Turtledove!" Ted DeWitt-Clinton exclaimed as he lifted
his safety googles from over his glasses and put down a tiny screwdriver he'd been using to put together a modem board.
" Glad to be back, Studmuffin!" Karen exclaimed as she and Ted
hugged and kissed for several seconds.
" I never imagined. ." Daria said with relief.
" Some couple!" Trent laughed as he shook his head.
"Should we leave you two alone?" Daria sarcastically asked.
"Sorry, but we can't help ourselves!" Karen laughed.
" You brought me here to show off Ted?" Daria asked.
" No, Daria! We heard about your Dad so my collegue and I have
been working on something really big," Ted breathlessly exclaimed.
"I never thought you and Ted knew each other," Daria said in
puzzlement while shaking her head and looking at Trent.
"His dad hired me once!" Trent shrugged.
" I never thought that Mr. Clinton was into rock," Daria pondered.
" Dad isn't! But he put an ad in the tradepaper for a scarecrow and
. .." Ted explained.
" I needed a new amp for $50 and that's how much Ted's old man
was willing to pay," Trent shrugged.
" I never saw crows fly away faster than when he'd start to sing!"
Ted laughed.
" Let it go," Trent shrugged.
"I wish I could stay with you guys but I've got to teach that line
dancing class in fifteen minutes," Karen insisted.
"Isn't she full of surprises?" Ted laughed in his geeky way.
"Good luck to you and your collegues. I wish I could be around but.
." Karen explained.
" But between this project and your cello workshop tomorrow, we
won't be able to see each other again until Wednesday! Goodbye,
Pookums!" Ted proclaimed as he and Karen locked lips and tightly hugged
for a minute straight while Daria was somewhat flummaxed by the whole
sight.
"I guess I'll see you in school," Daria shrugged as Karen left the
garage and was heard to fire up the Harley then race away.
" My collegue and I have been working online. . ." Ted started to
explain.
"Online? Ted, you don't have a television set," Daria shuddered.
" He put together his own terminal from parts he found in the
landfill," Trent shrugged.
" Anyway, with Trent covering the sound. We think we can snap your dad
out of it but we need your help!" Ted insisted.
"I don't even know where he is ! Mom's gotten so tight-lipped about this and. ."Daria groaned.
"That's part of what you need to do! You also need to ask your friend if you can borrow that digital video camera, "Ted added.
" But Trent can. ." Daria started to say before Trent shot her a
warning glare.
"Yeah, just call that friend of yours up and borrow that camera
of hers . You can have her bring it to school tomorrow then come back
here with it," Trent insisted.
"No, she can't ! Daria's going to have to take tomorrow off if we
are to pull this baby off!"Ted gasped.
" Um. .actually, I can't miss school tomorrow! That's when Ms.
Barch's term paper's due and she said that she'd flunk the girls if
we didn't physically hand ours to her tomorrow. .and I can't repeat what
she threatened the boys with!" Daria groaned.
" Well, you could meet her first thing there," Ted insisted.
"Get Jae. .er your friend's camera," Trent added.
"Then fake being sick and come back here!" Ted finished.
"But why can't I tell. .. my friend about this?" Daria asked.
" The fewer people in the know the better! Besides, I have to
prove to. ..Jae. .everyone that I'm no screwup and can handle things
without h-hr- er help," Trent warned.
"We'll explain in more detail later," Ted insisted.
"Would you like me to fetch a soda from. " Daria started to ask.
"No need!" Trent warned.
"He's got a whole case of those here- and a deep freeze full of
frozen tofu blocks we can eat. After they've thawed, natch! Too bad about
those paint fumes making his tenant house unlivable!" Ted shrugged.
"Tenant house?" Daria asked as she looked in the direction of Casa
Lane.
"Yeah, paint fumes!" Trent seethed.

A couple of hours later, Daria was back at home when Helen screeched
the brakes of her SUV as she raced back home on a tear.
"DARIA! Where's your sister?"Helen screamed.
"I'm right here, Mom," Quinn meekly gulped as she walked into the
breakfast room.
"I spent the whole day trying to get Cashman's to pay for what they
did to your father!" Helen boiled.
"But. Mo-om!" Quinn gulped.
" I was going to turn them into a chain of parking lots after I
got through with them but NO! It turns out that that they hadn't sold
that . . sludge in 40 years and that the manufacturer's been defunct and it hasn't been made in 35 years! Quinn Morgendorffer, you LIED to me!"Helen screamed as she drew her arm back to slap her but stopped short an inch before she would have connected.
"Um.. you didn't want to be violent just now?" Quinn nervously
chuckled.
"No, I realized that I could have splattered what passes for your
brains with that slap and I didn't want to go to prison without having
someone PAY for what they did to your father- and for you to pay me
back!" Helen boiled.
"Pay you back?" Daria asked.
"I . .maxxed out a credit card and Mom had to wipe out our college
fund to pay it off so we wouldn't lose our house," Quinn burst into
tears.
"Mom, I'm willing to risk juvie,"Daria seethed.
"Not so fast! First I want to know exactly where Quinn got that
swill- and, by the way, I know you bought squid foundation cream with
that money I spotted you for the gift!" Helen seethed.
"It's jellyfish!" Quinn insisted.
"SHUT UP!" Daria and Helen yelled simultaneously while waving fists overhead.
" Alright, I ran out of money and none of my other sources were
willing or able to spot me," Quinn glared hard at Daria with those
words.
"So I poured out my plight to Sandi and she gave the bottle to
me,"Quinn gulped.
"Oh, that little bitch! You HEARD me, Quinn! She's every bit as
rotten as her mother! Well, I'm going to have it out with them once and
for all!" Helen boiled as she grabbed Quinn's cell and speed-dialed
Sandi's number.
 
As fate would have it, Linda answered the phone.
" I tell you that Griffin . . person was so phony and condescending,
it was almost as bad as your aunt's gloating when I told her what
happened with your father!" Helen boiled.
"Aunt Rita?" Quinn asked.
"Aunt Amy?" Daria gulped.
"No, your Morgendorffer aunt!" Helen seethed.
"Oh, yeah, the one who compels Dad to flee the state instead just
the house when she comes by," Daria groaned as thought of Jake's sister.
"Well, I gave Linda a piece of my mind and told her where to
go!" Helen boiled.

At the Griffin House. ..
Sam and Chris were hitting each other in the arms after the entire family had had their right arms punctured as a result of Linda's insistence that if she had to be undergo allergy serum tests- so did everyone else.
"Sandi, that cologne you gave sent Mr. Morgendorffer over the edge!
I'm very angry at you!" Linda seethed.
"But, Mother, I didn't. .." Sandi tried to explain as she grasped
Fluffy closer to her side.
"How many times have I told you?! When sabotaging your foes, don't
leave any trail they can follow you back with!" Linda boiled.
"Mother, I wasn't doing that! I just wanted to get rid of that
gallon of heartache but I didn't know it would effect Ka-Winn's dad that
way," Sandi gasped.
"You do nothing but let these ants walk all over you- in spite of my
many warnings! Well, you're going to pay. I just found out I'm
allergic to Fluffy so I was going to sell him to a pet food
commercial company but now I'll sell him to some 3rd world cosmetic
testing factory!" Linda boiled.
"Mother, you can't! He's my only friend !" Sandi burst into
tears.
"You have no friends! You only have the option of becoming an ant or
stomping on them!" Linda glared.
"Linda," Tom Griffin started to say as he came to Sandi's room.
"Just shut up, Tom! This is all your fault! I wanted a potted
saguaro cactus for the stairwell but, you said that a baby would
go much better with the room and look good on our resumes!" Linda seethed.
" Linda. ." Tom gulped.
"And then you said, 'Sandi's lonely. Instead of a doll, let's
give her a baby sister' . You blew that idea twice !" Linda boiled as
she slammed the door on Sandi and Tom meekly followed her.
"Don't worry, Fluffy. You ARE my only friend and I won't let
anything bad happen to you! I wish they'd gotten a cactus and I'd gotten a doll. .," Sandi cried while hugging Fluffy to her bosom.
 
"So why didn't you come over or meet me for pizza?" asked Jane as
she called later on the phone.
"Funny how a few last-minute revisions can blow an entire afternoon
and evening," Daria replied.
" Jodie saw you get on that Harley with Karen Disher," Jane
countered.
" Nothing much to tell. We didn't go very far before she dropped me
off. ." Daria explained.
"Where?" Jane asked.
" Um. . not too far from my house. Why the third degree?" Daria
asked.
" No reason. Just don't like it when my best friend joins the rest
of the world in passing me by,"Jane explained.
" I'm not passing you by. I just. . . had something I had to do
and you'd taken off with that run! Listen, gotta go um, but can I ask
you something?" Daria asked.
"Shoot," Jane sarcastically replied.
" Could I borrow your digital video camera? It's for a project,"
Daria asked.
"Sure come on over and. ." Jane insisted.
" No can do. It's getting kinda late," Daria groaned.
"What's the project?" Jane asked.
" Independent study," Daria replied.
"Sure, I guess I can bring it with me on our way to school
mañana! So, O'Neill thinks you're the next Ron Howard. Hmm. See ya
then!" Jane pondered as she hung up.
Daria could tell that Jane hadn't quite bought the excuse but it
was too late to think of any other and Jane did promise her the
camera.
 
The next morning, Daria met Jane as she handed her the camera.
" So, here it is! Now tell me all about this project. Is it
something about recording your enormous range of emotions and inflections?"
Jane laughed.
"No, it's.. .sorry, Jane. I just don't feel like talking about it
right now. When everything's settled, I will ," Daria groaned.
"So, did Karen do anything of interest besides drive a Harley?"
Jane asked.
"Well, put it this way. She's dating the last boy you'd expect.
.and. . " Daria insisted.
A convertable blew its horn.
"Hello, you luscious babes!" Upchuck growled as he yelled out the
window.
" Amscray!" Jane seethed.
"Fiesty!" Upchuck growled as they were rounding the last corner to
school.
" Er.. .no it's not him,"Daria groaned.
" Details! Inquiring minds," Jane persisted.
" Listen, I need to talk to Ms. Barch first thing. I'll meet you
later," Daria insisted as she broke ranks with Jane.
"Hey, amiga! Running's supposed to be my trademark!"Jane called
out as Daria ran with the camera.
Daria quickly put the camera in her locker then made her way to
Ms. Barch's classroom.
 
"What are you doing here?" Daria asked the white-haired old lady who had just finished writing her name on the chalkboard.
"Miss or Mrs. Barch is having a root canal and won't be in until after lunch so Miss Lee called me into service," Mrs. Stoller explained.
"OK, here's my. .." Daria started to say as she handed her term paper to Mrs. Stoller.
"Actually, I didn't speak to Miss Lee herself. For some reason, she had her laundress make the arrangement," Mrs. Stoller pondered.
"Mrs. Stoller, could you give this term paper to Ms. Barch?"Daria asked.
"Sorry, no can do. I see that girl with the hippy name's trying to take advantage of your trusting nature, Miss Darlene," Mrs. Stoller droned.
"Er. .no, Mrs. Stoller," Daria tried to argue.
"But I say if we let her get away with this, there'll be nothing to stop her from running off to a 'Hair' audition or making macramé plant hangers. You tell her to bring the paper to Miss or Mrs. Barch herself . .." Mrs. Stoller insisted.
"But Mrs. Stoller. . " Daria replied.
"Ms. Barch,do you have liquid. .? ACK!" Anthony Di Martino gasped.
"Posture, Tony. .. or I'll safety-pin a note on your shirt for Mrs. Olive
to schedule a parent-teacher conference," Mrs. Stoller replied as Mr. DiMartino fled.
"But could you please.. ."Daria asked.
"I have too much work to do before class . Good day, Miss Darlene!" Mrs. Stoller insisted as she got up, saw Daria to the door, then closed the door in her face.
 
"Hello, Trent," Daria called on Tom's cellphone as she closed the bathroom stall behind her.
"Did you get the info and camera?" Trent asked.
"Yes, Mom ranted about a tantrum at Cashman's and I contacted the source there who told me Mom mentioned the nuthouse as the LaStraw Institute," Daria insisted.
"Cool, we'll get rocking on that! What about the. ..?" Trent asked.
" I won't cut loose as soon as I planned but I think I can make it later," Daria explained.
At that moment, Daria heard breathing from the next stall- which she had been sure had been empty.
"Gotta go, bye!" Daria insisted as she quickly flushed the commode.
 
 
"DiMartino was shaken up even more than usual today, " Jane said over lunch.
" He had his reasons," Daria muttered as she was counting the minutes until Ms. Barch's return.
"Yeah, wasn't it funny how he told the whole class how Mrs. Stoller had treated him as a boy- 'DiMartino sounds very similar to a hard beverage -calling you 'Tony Olive' would less likely encourage delinquency!' ' Took me twenty-SIX YEARS to sort OUT the paperWORK!'" Jane laughed- having imitated Mr. DiMartino and him imitating Mrs. Stoller.
"Something else, alright," Daria sighed.
"I don't know how she's stayed in the system all these years," Jane scoffed.
"That's what I asked Supervisor Cartwright a week after the strike. ." Daria replied- as she started spooning her mystery meat.
"What. .?" Jane asked.
"One word- mother-in-law!" Daria scorned.
"Isn't that three - not counting the hyphens? Ah, good ole Lawndale nepotism!" Jane sighed while Daria nodded.
"Who says Lawndale has no traditions," Daria shrugged.
"You haven't even touched what they say is food! What's with you?" Jane asked- as Jane noticed Daria's cafeteria tray..
" I just don't. .. feel good today and. .gotta go!" Daria explained before she saw Ms. Barch walk past the cafeteria towards her classroom.
"Wait! What's with you? What's with all of you?" Jane groaned.
 
"What's this, damn it!!"Ms. Barch was heard screaming as she kicked Mrs. Stoller's chair- having noticed a large pile of ice stacked four feet high on the righthand corner of her desk.
"That's a 'no-no' word! Go stand in the corner until I get the soap to. ." Mrs. Stoller snapped as she started pointed to a corner while standing up.
"It's my classroom and you were supposed to teach photosynthesis!" Ms. Barch
"I couldn't because Mrs. Bennett wouldn't let me borrow the office's color copier so I brought this from the cafeteria then told the boys and girls all about how ice turns into water, Miss or Mrs. Barch," Mrs. Stoller explained.
"That's Ms. !" Ms. Barch snapped.
" 'Mizz' sounds like a mosquito," Mrs. Stoller insisted.
" Just go home now, you pre-feminist fossil!"Ms. Barch fumed.
"At least I was able to attract and keep my man around until he got pinewood boxed so I I don't have to resort to using to mosquito sounds in front of my name," sniffed Mrs. Stoller as she abruptly exited and wordlessly passed by Daria.
 
"Why don't you turn in the paper when class starts?" Ms. Barch
asked.
"I ate a pizza last night. .um.. have a VERY bad stomach bug and I'm
going home as soon as I hand you the paper," Daria replied.
" A stomach bug. Hmm.You don't feel feverish!" Ms. Barch insisted
as she felt Daria's forehead.
" Take my temperature,"Daria wanly insisted.
 
"Remember Daria, what I've taught you must ONLY be used for good- and don't ever tell anyone where you learned this. . . at least not until after your mother's death!"
Daria suddenly remembered Aunt Amy Barksdale saying before Daria used a
yoga-biofeedback technique to concentrate an inordinate amount of
bodyheat underneath her tongue.
 
"103 Degrees! I'll send you to the school nurse," Ms. Barch
insisted.
"No, don't! " Daria gulped.
"That's right! We don't have one anymore. They cut that out of
the budget so Ms. Li could pay for a new security guard, a MALE security
guard. Probably related to that MALE pizza cook who spread his disease!
So like them to make us diseased so we're forced to cook for THEM. 22
years of legal slavery and did my ex even once brew a cup of tea for me
? No, but he DID make nachos for himself and his posse! And. ." Ms.
Barch ranted but Daria could see that she did write her a sick note to
take to Ms. Li so Daria left.
 
"What's the meaning of letting someone walk off with all that used
computer equipment and wiring? Don't you know that I.. er the school
could have profitted by selling it to the recyclers?" Angela Li seethed
as she was berating the security guard with punk white spiked hair
"Sorry, ma'am, my can of Ultra-Cola came got lifted from the teacher's lounge yesterday," the security guard replied.
"Well, as long as you bought another can, that's the important thing!" Ms. Li insisted.
"Ms. Barch wrote this sick note for me. I have to leave now," Daria
said.
"Sure, Miss Morgendorffer. Have you seen the New Zealand exchange
student? I need to grill him on the missing wires from the scrap pile,"
Ms. Li sniffed.
"I don't think we have one," Daria shrugged but noticed that she
felt that she was being watched from above but soon walked out
the building without further incident.
 
At that moment, Quinn was sitting in class,looked out the window and
saw Daria flee the school- looking behind her to see if she was being
watched. This piqued Quinn's curiosity a great deal.
"So class. Volunteering can not only help our self-esteem others,too.
Matter of fact, just this weekend, I started a new program in which my
voice counsels patients at a fine institution. .Yes, Quinn?" Mr.
O'Neill asked.
"Excuse me but I think there's a lost person in the girl's bathroom
who could use some fashion counselling so could I go volunteer. .?"
Quinn asked.
"Can't it wait until after class?" Mr. O'Neill asked.
"No,this poor soul could go the next 45 minutes being ostracized
for having no fashion sense. Do you want that responsibility of
someone's extended low self-esteem on your head?" Quinn asked.
"You're right, Quinn! I'll be happy to support you in your noble
cause. Go with my blessing!" Mr. O'Neill gushed.
"Gee, Ka-Winn! Do you need the Fashion Club's help in your
mission ?" Sandi asked accusingly.
"No, I must do this outreach on my own. I wouldn't want to deprive
the Fashion Club of the opportunity to do good here !" Quinn scowled.
"Oh, good point! Mr. O'Neill did you know knit shirts are. .?" Sandi
was heard to say before Quinn made her break.
Quinn saw Ms. Li and the security guard arguing in front of the main
entrance so she made a beeline for the girl's restroom and climbed out
through the window-which, oddly enough, had been left open- the wires to the magnetic lock having been severed.
 
"So, Daria. You weren't followed or anything?" Trent asked at Casa
Lane garage a few minutes later
"No, here's the camera. " Daria insisted.
"Super dooper! I should have this baby finished by then!
Remember, get those family photos I was talking about!" Ted insisted.
As Ted closed the door and Daria was about to walk back home. .
"What the HELL is going on here?" Jane seethed- as she burst out of the back door of the Casa Lane kitchen.
"Jane," Daria gulped- as she abruptly threw her bookbag into the doorway- causing it to land at the head of the basement stairwell.
" And my birthday's not for months so don't try that !" Jane boiled.

"You really think that that deadbeat and that geek will find
anything useful?" Jane asked as she and Daria were walking back to
the Morgendorffer House.
"Do you think that Ted would enlist our help if he didn't think
they could help Dad out?" Daria asked.
" I know that he picked up on that virtual reality bit real fast
and all but how d'ya know he's a good judge of. .?"Jane asked.
Daria blushed and sighed.
"Because at the Homecoming Parade, he snapped a picture of Tom and
me- saying we were a couple," Daria groaned.
"But what does. .?" Jane asked.
"That Parade was long before our three-way dust-up and even
before you had your suspicions," Daria deeply groaned.
Jane sighed.
"OK, I guess he may be onto something. Still, it's hard to believe
he could do ALL that by himself. " Jane pondered.
"Gotta admit, that kinda puzzles me,too. We can find those family pictures Ted wants inside. Maybe, we'll hear from Trent soon," Daria considered as she opened
the Morgendorffer House front door- almost certain, she heard the
garage door opening at the very same time.
 
Meanwhile Mr. O'Neill's lecture proved so boring that virtually
the entire class fell asleep- including him .
"Come on, Stacy, Tiffany! We're going!" Sandi insisted.
"But that. .would be so wrong," Tiffany protested.
"Tiffany dear, it would be more wrong to sit here and watch
the man sleep! "Sandi insisted as she started walking out with the
remaining two Fashion Clubbers behind her.
" Where are we going?" Stacy asked.
"Ka-Winn's taken a very long time to give some girl fashion
counselling so that can only mean one thing. She's gotten some inside
scoop and she wants to beat us to telling others about! We can't let
Ka-Winn steal our thunder again!" Sandi insisted as they entered
the downstairs girls' bathroom.
"I don't see Quinn anywhere in here. Maybe we should go back?"
Stacy meekly suggested after popping inside to look..
"Stacy, Ka-Winn not being here means she has gone somewhere else
so we can't go back until we've located her. Hmm, a pink thread!"
Sandi pondered as she saw a single inch-long pink thread dangling from
the open bathroom window frame and picked it up.
"It appears Ka-Winn has left the building,"Sandi hypothesized.
" I thought only Elvis could. .."Tiffany remarked.
" We must intercept her at once," Sandi insisted.
"Yeah, she could get in trouble," Stacy considered.
" And if she gets caught our reputations could SUH-ffer! We
need to bring her back here for her own good- even if she's spreading
the Fashion Word to the world!"Sandi insisted.
"What do you have . .in mind?"Tiffany asked.
"Stacy could lower me to the ground so I won't get my shoes or
slacks dirty from climbing down three feet and, Tiffany, you could look
out," Sandi ordered.
"Um.. Sandi, I think. ." Stacy started to say.
"You WHAT?!" Sandi snapped.
"Eeep!" squealed Stacy.
" Very well, just watch my back while I climb out! Must I do
everything myself?" Sandi boiled.
A few seconds later, that question was answered.
"Good, Stacey, I see you've decided to lower me after all!
Hey don't pull up!O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oh. .. ." Sandi shuddered as she
came eye-to-eye with Ms. Li who yanked her back inside with surprising
strength.
"Miss Griffin, what the Hell are you doing here?!" seethed
Ms. Li.
"I was going to ask the same question,ma'am," groaned Staci.
"The plumber shut the water off in my bath suite after the
bidet. ..NEVER MIND!" snorted Ms. Li.
 
"Nice work being a lookout, Tiffany," Sandi spat as the three
were seated outside Ms. Li's office.
"I did look out into the hall," Tiffany protested.
"But why didn't you try to warn me when Ms. Li came in?"Sandi
seethed.
"It's not polite ..to yell ...when someone needs to . use
the bathroom,"Tiffany explained.
 
At once, Mr. O'Neill made a very hasty and abashed wordless
exit from Ms. Li's office.
"Miss Rowe and Miss Blum-Deckler, get back to your classes
immediately. Miss Griffin, come inside!" Ms. Li seethed.
" I was only trying to stop, Ka-Winn,"Sandi protested.
" Skipping class,leaving school property without permission
and putting Lawndale High at risk for lawsuits by climbing out the
window are punishable offences. First, I must call your mother," Ms. Li
boiled.
"Not that! Put me before a firing squad- in plaid!"Sandi
begged.
"Hello, Mrs. Griffin, this is Ms.Angela Li Principal at Lawndale
High. I have some VERY bad news about your daughter Sandi. . .No. .she
has not had a zit eruption. She. ..well, yes, I guess you two do look
like sisters,"Ms. Li sheepishly replied obviously lying through her
teeth while Sandi rolled her eyes-having heard Linda ask this line of
questioning hundreds of time since the start of Sandi's puberty.
"Of course people think you're the younger one. Er. .Mrs.
Griffin, Sandi was caught climbing out the girl's bathroom window in
order to leave school grounds during school hours and I intend to punish
her with a week's suspension- in school!" Ms. Li fumed.
"With all the geeks and losers?" Sandi groaned.
 
 
" So that's where your name came from," Jane exclaimed- as
they looked over a picture of a couple in fancy 19^th century wedding attire beneath
an elaborate canopy.
"Yep, my bookseller great-great-grandfather David Morgenstern
married the printing heiress Eva Dorfferman. So, they agreed to
hyphenate and voila had my great-grandfather Louis Morgen-Dorffer,"
Daria explained as she looked at the pictures.
"So when Louis emigrated from Alsace-Lorraine. .."Jane pondered.
"Yep, the Ellis Island registrar dropped the hyphen and garbled
the name!" Daria scoffed- as they looked at Louis's picture.
"But where did 'Mad Dog' come into the picture?" Jane asked.
"Well, Louis married Sophie Lieberman and they had Mordecai but
he studied obscure early American history and found out about this Welsh
prince named Madoc who some believe came to what's now the USA back in
the 1100's! Being a 1st generation, US American, he wanted to show his
roots were deep here- so he legally changed his name to Madoc
Morgendorffer shortly before he joined the Army," Daria explained.
"And it didn't take too long before he got the nickname 'Mad Dog'!
Say, where is he?" Jane asked as they were leafing through.
"Oh, no! Now I remember! When Mom and Dad married , Mom
decided she'd heard so much about 'Mad Dog' that she destroyed every
single photograph of him she could find so Dad would quit being haunted
by him!" Daria groaned- as they saw family photos with sections trimmed out.
" That sure worked," Jane scoffed.
"I guess Grandma has one with her on the cruise. WHY couldn't she
have come back when we need her help?" Daria pondered.
"Maybe she's too far out to sea to dock anytime soon. Maybe
passport problems.. " Jane replied.
"She's on Lake Michigan circling around, "Daria groaned.
"Say, maybe you could have her scan then e-mail a photo! Quick
let's get online!" Jane insisted.
"Will do. Did you just hear a bump?" Daria asked.
" Maybe your house is settling. Mine does that all the time," Jane
shrugged.
". .Damn! I forgot to recharge Tom's cell,"Daria groaned.
"Let's start recharging then calling your Grandma!" Jane insisted.

A few minutes later. ..
"Hello Grandma, it's Daria. .. no Dad's still not well. We think we
can help get him out of his current state. You have any photos of
Grandpa Morgendorffer? Great! Just go to the 'Net lounge and have them
scan it to my address. .. No, it won't hurt the. . What do you mean you
can't let me see it?. . OK, so it's a wallet-sized reproduction of the
one in your bedroom with him life-sized. .. on the ceiling? Where you
hang pictures is not my deal, Grandma.. ..so he's saluting and wearing a
helmet. .. only a helmet?! No, Grandma there's no reason for me or Dad
to ever see it.Bon voyage, Grandma," Daria groaned as she had
gotten somewhat embarassed by the conversation.
 
"Anything left to do here?" Jane asked as she paused a bit before sitting back down with Daria on the sofa facing the entertainment center- having heard the sound of something scurrying.
" I got the photos of Grandma and my Aunt Morgana from Dad's childhood but I'm not sure if this stunt will work without Grandpa 'Mad Dog's ' image!" Daria groaned as she sat down and felt a new lump beneath the sofa.
"Oww!" a muffled yelp was heard by the two girls.

Chapter 4: In Jake's Corner

Jane put her right index finger over her mouth and silently mouthed to Daria (who she knew could read lips)," Hand me the photo album- and on the count of three, we'll stand up together then turn the sofa on its side while I mace whoever's underneath there! One,two three!" Jane exclaimed.

In just seconds they stood up, then while upturning the sofa, discovered someone's right big toe tangled in the seat springs- with the owner still attached.

"Ethan?!" Daria and Jane exclaimed in shock a moment before Jane was about to hit him with the photo album.

"Are you alright?" Jane eagerly asked as she rushed to untangle his toe.

"Yeah, sure," Ethan replied as nonchalantly as possible but still in pain.

"What the Hell are you doing here?"Daria asked.

"Yeah! " Jane angrily added as she suddenly let the spring snap back onto his big toe.

"Oww! Mr. Morgendorffer needed my help so I told Dad to tell everyone in New Mexico that I'd make my way back on my own," Ethan explained as he untangled his toe.

"And you've been hiding yourself in my house?!" Daria asked angrily.

" I only let myself in to see if I could find some keystone from childhood to help out Mr. Morgendorffer. I couldn't find anything in the garage or attic, "Ethan replied.

" Childhood artifact? Does this mean that. ..? "Daria asked.

"Yes, Ted DeWitt-Clinton's my collegue and Trent's been cool enough to work with us and give us his garage for our project," Ethan explained as he righted the sofa.

"His garage?" Jane asked.

" I was on my way to Ted's when I heard Trent playing- and I knew he wouldn't mind me dropping by at 4AM. I told him about the project Ted and I had been working on and how it could help Mr. Morgendorffer and he was all ears. I've been mostly staying there these past four days except for research and catching up," Ethan added.

"So you've had no problems with that garage," Jane said accusingly.

"It sorta reminds me of some of the cliffdwellings up on the mesa. Too bad about those paint fumes making Trent's tenant house uninhabitable," Ethan shrugged.

"I'm gonna kill Trent," Jane seethed.

"Daria, can you remember any favorite television show of your Dad's from his childhood?"Ethan asked.

"He once complained about how his dad hogged the TV to watch 'The Honeymooners' but I can't remember him mentioning anything specific for himself," Daria replied.

"Our folks grew up in the first TV generation so there's bound to have been one show that had more impact than any other. My dad even took his moniker from one," Ethan insisted.

"Let me guess. 'Road Runner'!" Jane quipped.

"Yep! It was his way of getting back at Grandma for naming him and his twin sister after her favorite cartoon! He swore me never to repeat his original name but, put it this way, as soon as Aunt Twyla was old enough, she changed her name from Tweety!" Ethan related.

"I've got the photo albums. What more do we need to . .?" Daria asked.

"I researched LaStraw! They have a shift change at 5PM. That should be the best time to spring Mr. Morgendorffer, "Ethan insisted.

"Spring him but. .. ?" Jane asked.

"That place is bad news, Jane! The sooner we get him out, the better. I just need to know what name he's under so we can plan on breaking him out. It seems that folks dump relatives under assumed names there. Let's go up to your terminal, Daria," Ethan insisted.

"Mom's maiden name was Barksdale. Does that help?"Daria asked.

"Yeah, someone named Troy Barksdale checked in a 'partner' called Jacob Perlman on Saturday!" Ethan related as he pulled up the LaStraw roster.

" Great going, Mom. Now those goons will think she's a man and Dad's gay- making life even more unpleasant for him there," Daria groaned.

"Here's a picture of the staff during their picnic. We can use this to make copies of their ID badges!" Jane concluded.

"Great thinking. Can you make a good copy from a zoomed in shot?" Ethan asked.

"Is Gallileo a heretic?" Jane laughed then in a few clicks, had the prototype for the ID badge at hand.

"Cool. I'd say we print five- using generic, gender-neutral names such as Chris and Sandy,"Ethan insisted.

"When it comes to visuals, I'm your woman!"Jane beamed while nudging Ethan.

" Does Mr. Morgendorffer still have an office?" Ethan asked as they walked back downstairs.

"It's been awhile since I was last there but, as far as I know, he does. It's on the other side of town, though," Daria sighed.

" Trent could drive us out there,"Ethan pondered.

"How? Both the Camero and Tank are broken," Jane groaned.

"Nah, I fixed 'em over the weekend," Ethan insisted.

"Trent said he and Ted would pick me up here at 4:30!"Daria recalled.

"Cool, he and Ted are busy getting things ready but I'll give 'em a call and tell Ted to bring five sets of blue scrubs," Ethan concluded.

"Why five?" Daria asked as they reached the main living room.

"Cos that's the two of you, Ted, me . .and her," Ethan nonchalantly shrugged while pointing at Quinn who'd hidden herself in the tree while looking in the window.

"Let me at her!" Jane boiled and started running.

"I'll do it!" Ethan shrugged.

"But Jane's been running for years and you're barefoot!" Daria gasped.

"Yeah, but Quinn more likely'd let me catch her!" Ethan shrugged as he took off and soon caught up to both Jane and Quinn.

Daria ran out of the house as fast as she could but was more easily winded than the other two. Ethan outpaced Jane then caught up to Quinn and grabbed her wrist. Quinn stopped where she was but Jane immediately tackled her to the ground.

"Who the Hell do you think you are spying on us?" Jane boiled.

"Daria, get her off me! Ethan, why aren't you tackling me?" Quinn pleaded.

"Not until you tell us why you're here!" Daria insisted.

" I saw you leave during lunch and I've noticed that you've been snooping around trying to find out what's going on with Dad. .and I wanted to help!" Quinn gulped.

"Help?! How could you help, Princess Grace?" Jane sneered.

"Well, I feel like it's kinda my fault Dad's gone zombie," Quinn sighed.

"That's true. Quinn, I know you'd have never deliberately done this to Dad. Jane, get off her," Daria insisted.

"Are you sure she won't rat to Helen?" Jane asked.

" Considering that she's already gotten herself in trouble by skipping school," Daria concluded while Jane let go of Quinn.

" What makes you think. .? I thought you skipped. ..!" Quinn seethed.

"Yeah, so did I! That's why I skipped out!" Jane boiled.

" I faked being sick to Ms. Barch and she wrote a note to let me go home early for Ms. Li!"Daria conceded.

"You mean, we both put our butts in a sling to protect yours but you'd already covered it?" Quinn boiled.

"ARGH!! " Jane and Quinn screamed in unison while tackling Daria..

"Ladies, killing Daria won't help Mr. Morgendorffer!" Ethan insisted as he simultaneously pulled off Jane and Quinn by grabbing an arm and lifting them off- with both of them virtually leaping to their feet the second they felt his hand on their arms.

"Whatever you say, Ethan!" Quinn beamed.

" But what good will Quinn be to us?" Jane snapped.

"She could hold the flashlight while I hotwire the Lexus," Ethan insisted.

"No need for that! I know where Mom keeps the keys!" Quinn replied.

"But she's taking them with her everywhere these days," Daria groaned.

"Not today! Don't you remember her talking about arguing that case at the State Capitol today?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah but. . of course. You're right!" Daria concluded with snapping her fingers.

"Yo! Ethan and I don't get this inside joke," Jane snapped- as she snapped her fingers to imitate Daria.

"It's a two-hour drive there but since the case would take her the whole day and the firm would pay for it, Mom's almost certainly flying. She loathes going through airport security so the less metal she has to dump out onto the tray, the better!" Daria concluded.

"To the jewelry box!" Quinn insisted.

The four of them climbed up to the parental bedroom and found the keys in said box, then after Ethan called Trent but, as per their insistance, did NOT let him know that Jane and Quinn were helping them out, they soon were on their way to Jake's office with Daria at the Lexus's wheel. They came to the obscure office park and parked outside it.

After tearing through the 'Lease Has Expired' sign, they let themselves in to the empty rooms. he outer room had three office chairs next to a coffee table loaded with consulting magazines, for any visitors. There was a small receptionist's desk with a telephone and answering machine (that Jake had never been able to figure out how to program). Jake had never actually hired a receptionist in Lawndale but he concluded he had to appear to have one to impress any clients. After Daria flipped the light switch on, she could see quite a layer of dust had accumulated but the four of them silently pressed onwards to Jake's actual office. Adjacent to the desk was a television set with a VCR permanently flashing 12AM and behind the desk was a large bookcase containing reference sets of consulting manuals and a few sets of consulting videos.

"Jake was able to support you, Helen and Princess Grace before Helen started working full time doing this?" Jane gasped to Daria while Daria rolled her eyes.

"Hmm, these shelves are quite messy! These tapes aren't flush against the wall!" Quinn gasped.

"What difference does that make?" Daria asked.

"Mr. Morgendorffer may have been trying to hide something behind that section of tapes," Ethan pondered.

"Here's something! Another tape but ACK!!" Jane coughed/screamed as she saw the title.

" 'The Feeling Felines' Honolulu Luau of 1978'?!" Daria asked as she saw the well-worn outer cover of voluptuous models wearing only cat ears and tails while roasting a pig.

"Dad watches porno? EWW!" Quinn shuddered.

"It makes sense he'd hide it here and behind those legit tapes," Daria shrugged.

"Not so fast," Ethan pondered as he lifted the cover off and let the tape itself slide out.

" 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie'? Dad's watching a threesome?" Quinn shuddered.

"Not that kind! It all makes sense now! Back in the early 50's, this was a children's show out of Chicago that even adults liked! A lady named Fran Allison would stand in front of a puppet stage, converse and have adventures with Burr Tillstrom's puppets- Kukla and Ollie. .and it was just about all improv! " Ethan exclaimed as he put in the tape into the machine.

"You want us to watch this? How will that help. .?" Jane asked.

" I think he and Ted could put this to good use and the three of us could help out!" Daria beamed.

"You got it!" Ethan insisted.

"So Dad wasn't ashamed about us finding out he watched porn, he was more embarrassed we'd find out that he still craved these puppets' company!"Quinn concluded.

"It may even explain why he kept this office going even after he started doing almost all his business out of the house- so he'd have a place to watch it without anyone making fun of him!" Daria pondered.

"So maybe Jake did have folks he believed cared about him growing up!" Jane exclaimed.

Daria and Quinn looked at her.

"Hey why should I be left out of the psychobabble moments!" Jane laughed.

" I'll leave you three to watch this the next hour, then I'll meet you at the LaStraw Insitute. Bring the tape with you! Trent will pick you up at your house," Ethan insisted.

" But why don't you stay with us?"Jane asked.

"And why shouldn't we drive the Lexus there?" Quinn asked.

" There are some things I have to do before you get there- and you don't want the Lexus traced back to you after we've broken your dad out!" Ethan explained as he walked out the door while the others started watching the tape.

"But why am I having to be in detention but not Quinn or Quinn's cousin/sister/whatever's friend?" Sandi whined.

"We cannot locate them at this time but not to worry, I have already left word with their mothers and, as soon as we find them, we will mete even more severe punishments. In fact, if you find them before tomorrow, I may be willing to reduce your detention to this afternoon only- and a $50 Cashman's gift card. Here's my cell number!" Ms. Li insisted as she led Sandi off to detention- having spent the entire time supervising Sandi doing chores in the principal's office.

"Trent's actually on time!" Daria exclaimed- after the three of them had watched the video at Jake's office then driven the Lexus back to the Morgendorffer House.

"Ted's with him- and he has a watch!" Jane quipped.

"Oh, yeah," Daria sighed.

"Daria, could you go out and explain to Trent . ..?" Quinn asked.

"The best way to do this is to give him the least chance to bolt so let's just get it over with," Daria strategized as Trent pulled up the Tank.

"Ah, Daria! It's gonna be cool to. " Trent beamed- until Quinn and Jane came out of the house behind her.

"Hey, it's. .!" Ted eagerly exclaimed.

" It's Daria's sister," Trent sneered.

"Yeah, Quinn!" Ted insisted.

"Trent, don't even think. .. " Jane started to warn while wagging her right index finger.

"And Daria's friend!" Trent sneered.

" Daria, tell Trent. ." Jane boiled.

"Daria, tell your friend," Trent snapped.

"What am I- Panmunjon?" Daria asked.

" I don't know what's gone down between you two but just because you're clashing doesn't mean the rest of us have to go naked waiting for you to co-ordinate!" Quinn insisted.

Jane, Trent and Ted looked at Quinn in puzzlement.

"Translation- like it or not, we're all here and needed on this vital mission so, for Dad's sake, truce it till it's over then dogfight can be resumed!" Daria explained.

"Do you have the ID badges?" Ted asked as they started to climb in the back of the Tank.

"Yep! These are rather natty copies, don't ya think?" Jane smirked.

" I got the scrubs we can wear over our clothes- and look what I borrowed from Mom!" Ted exclaimed proudly.

"Wigs!" Quinn squealed.

"Yeah, if we're all blonde, that'll throw 'em off!" Ted exclaimed- as Jane, Quinn and Daria got settled on the Tank's chest in the back while Trent started to rev up the engine.

"Say, this doesn't look like human hair- or nylon," Quinn quipped.

"Not to mention that these look big enough for pumpkins," Jane groaned.

"They are! Mom made these outta corn silk for the 'Quintuple P Fest' five years ago. ..!" Ted started to explain.

"Quintuple P Fest?" Daria asked.

"Yep, the Pennsylvanian Poconos Pumpkin Parade and Popcornpalooza!" Ted laughed in his geeky way.

"Isn't that six P-words?" Jane asked.

"Popcornpalooza's one word!" Ted chuckled.

" Everyone knows that, Jane,"Daria teased.

" Aren't we forgetting something?" Trent asked.

"Here's the 'Net map showing the fastest way to get there. LaStraw Institute's ten miles outside town and we can make it there by the shift change, if we take the Easterly Trace,"Daria pondered as she showed Trent the map.

"But don't we have to pass the Ringstrasse on the way?" Trent asked.

" Yeah, but we should beat Rush Hour so we should make it on time," Daria considered.

" I'll be happy when that Ringstrasse is finished! It's noosing our city with most of it under construction with only two lanes,"Jane grumbled.

"The engine's sounding a lot smoother than I've heard it before," Daria noted.

"And watch this!" Trent insisted.

"Look out!" Jane yelled as Trent drove straight over a pothole.

"I didn't even feel the slightest jar!" Daria beamed.

"Ethan's fixed it up real good- even the shocks!" Trent exclaimed.

"Let's just put the scrubs and wigs on now!" Quinn sniffed.

"Whoa! I see the Front Gate with the barbed-wire fence!" Trent gulped as he came to the LaStraw Institute's perimeter at 445PM.

"Just act calm. We show them the ID's and tell them we're taking care of laundry from the temp service," Jane recalled.

". It's our turn now!" Trent gulped.

"Who goes there!" the guard barked.

"Just three for laundry detail and two nurse's aides!" Trent replied- while passing the ID's.

"Park at the Employee Lot- then have these new workers check in for orientation!" the guard insisted- as he opened the gate and let the Tank pass through.

"Yahoo! We made it in!" Jane cheered- as Trent drove the Tank in the direction of the Employee Parking Lot.

"But can we make it out- and with Dad?" Daria asked.

" According the website Ethan helped us crash, Jake's in Room 345- so we'll find an extra large wheeled empty trash cart in the loading dock and bring it to Jake's Room, then put him in there. Trent- at 5:05, you drive to the Loading Dock and we'll make our escape there!" Jane reiterated.

"Shouldn't we wait for Ethan?" Quinn asked as she, Daria, Jane and Ted climbed out the Tank.

"No need! Look up!" Ted beamed as he nudged Daria who motioned the others to look up on the roof.

"I don't believe this," Jane gulped in awe.

Ethan was on the roof of the 5 story building and waved to them before climbing 50 feet down to the ground in 30 seconds- gripping the bricks and mortar with only his fingers and toes.

"Some insurance, Ted!" Ethan nonchalantly stated as he handed Ted a microcasette.

"Great job, amigo! Here's your ID!" Ted beamed.

" Thanks! I've shorted out the electric lock of the small door next to the Loading Dock. We can take the Freight Elevator to the 3^rd Floor and pick up Mr. Morgendorffer there," Ethan insisted- as he let them inside and put on a set of red LaStraw Institute Scrubs over his clothes just inside the door.

"How about getting inside the room?" Daria asked.

" Not so easy, from the inside. Combination button-lock!" Ethan explained.

"I can work out the code for that!" Jane insisted.

"That's great,Jane! Remember,if we don't break Mr. Morgendorffer outta here now, you'll never see him alive!"Ethan insisted.

With Jane and Daria struggling to keep their oversized cornsilk wigs on and Quinn having disappeared then reappeared having evidently found the powder room, the five of them set out for Jake's room. They passed by several nurses and cleaning crew people who took them to be one of their own as they every so often put in laundry and trash from the receptacles into the cart before taking the elevator to the 3^rd Floor. Ted appeared to be a nurse's aide and appeared to be leading a barefoot patient (Ethan) 'back to his room' as far as the passerby were concerned. They made it to 345, then Jane played with the buttons before hitting the correct combination a minute later- opening the door and letting Daria inside.

Jake was in red scrubs with the LaStraw Insitute logo stamp. Jake was sitting on the floor staring blankly ahead. He had four days of beard growth,looked a little thinner and with a Band-Aid on his right arm but otherwise unchanged from four days before. The room reeked of human waste and filth and was empty but for a detached IV bag- and set of headsets that were still playing

"Dad?" Daria asked with a gulp as she quickly hugged him but didn't feel a response.

" Guys! Get in here!" Daria gulped.

Daria picked up the earphones.

"My name is Jake Grophendorker! I'm fortysomething. I'm loved by my wife Helen and have two daughters. My name is Jake Grophendorker. ." the headphones played on a loop.

"Mr. O'Neill taped this! I should have known! No wonder you aren't any better," Daria groaned.

Jake looked blankly ahead.

"Please no, Daddy! Mom-mee?" Jake yelped in that childish voice- as Daria looked at her watch.

" Hmm, I'll have to see if you do it again in 37 minutes. Your hair's wet! Someone must have showered and changed you recently. Dad there's so much I've wanted to tell you all these years. I know I put you down and make like you're nothing but. . you're everything to our family- to me! I never let myself be a child but you've never let yourself be an adult. Dad, maybe you can't hear me but I miss who you were! You've been our heart and we're flying apart without you. I'll do my best to make you well again, I promise!" Daria exclaimed with a tear and hugged him again.

"Jane, why have you pushed the cart away from Dad's room?" Quinn hissed.

"I'm telling you, that guard is walking towards us!" Jane insisted.

"Ethan? Where are you?" Quinn gulped- as she, Jane and Ted clung to the cart.

"Say, don't I know you?"the guard asked.

"No, sir! My name's Christina Bergman and I just got off the plane from Stockholm!" Jane replied- in a Swedish accent.

"So, you're putting yourself through school doing our dirty work. The name's Nathan Grubb," Nathan (yes, THAT Nathan) insisted.

"Ya, Mr. Grubb! We're actually Swedish massagers.How do you do?" Jane asked-in that Swedish accent.

"All my friend call me Nathan! Say, what's your friend's name?" Nathan asked as he came towards Quinn.

"Her name's Helga but she doesn't speak any English!" Jane quickly replied in that Swedish accent.

"Say, what funny wigs, you two are wearing! Harvest festival?" Nathan laughed.

"Oh, no, sir! We fell asleep in a sauna and burned our hair on the hot rocks so we're wearing these until it grows back!" Jane replied in the Swedish accent.

"Well, if either or both of you want to have a swinging time, Nathan's the name!" Nathan gloated as he left.

The second Nathan rounded the corner, one of the ceiling panels was pulled away- by Ethan who, in a single motion, gripped the ceiling panel frame, let himself down then dropped to the floor.

"What the Hell was that about?" Jane hissed.

" I can't let him see me! Not here!" Ethan whispered.

"He's got his reasons," Ted added.

"We need to get back to Daria and Dad!" Quinn insisted- having found a new and empty trash cart.

With Ethan riding beneath the trash cart bottom, they went back to Jake's room then Jane opened the door while the others scurried inside.

"What happened?" Daria asked.

"We ran into an old foe!" Jane gulped.

"They wired Dad's ears to Mr. O'Neil's voice. No wonder he's shown no signs of improvement- and they didn't dry his hair after they showered him," Daria groaned.

"The tape's the least of Mr. Morgendorffer's worries. I'll explain when we get him out of here. Sorry about the hair but there was no time to dry it," Ethan explained.

"You mean, you showered and. .." Quinn asked.

"His hair was all matted and he was filthy. I don't think they'd bothered to do more than feed him the whole time he's been here!" Ethan shuddered.

"You changed and cleaned him for us?" Quinn beamed.

"I've had to clean up my Dad a few times when he couldn't and I need the practice," Ethan shrugged.

"Let's go!" Daria insisted as Ethan quickly placed the unresponsive Jake into the trash cart and closed the lid.

They wordlessly made it to the elevator, then rolled it down the corridor until. .

"Oh, Christina! Helga!" Nathan called out.

"Ya, what is it, Mr. Grubb?" Jane asked-in that Swedish accent.

"You're going towards the Laundry Room! The Dumpster's this way! Care to introduce me to your other friend?" Nathan asked- as Daria instantly took off her glasses.

"This is Marta. She's one of my collegues visiting from Norway!" Ted exclaimed.

"Funny, she has the same kind of wig as the other two. Another sauna accident, right? You Viking girls kill me!" Nathan sneered as he opened the door out to the Loading Dock.

Trent managed to make it to the Loading Dock and the four of them instantly unloaded Jake from the trash cart into the Tank while quickly scurrying out the door themselves.

"Great work, guys! We need to get him off the grounds FAST!" Trent pondered as he revved the motor.

"Wait! If you gun the motor, they'll think you're trying to escape! Wait till we're outside the gate to hotfoot it!" Ted insisted as he and the others crouched down in the back of the Tank away from the windows.

"Alternate plan, I like that!" Trent beamed.

"Halt! Your vehicle just arrived here 20 minutes ago! Why are you leaving so soon?" the guard asked at the Gate while everyone but

"Um.. I decided I didn't like it here so I. . .um. . quit," Trent replied.

"Very well, carry on!" the guard insisted as he let them through.

Chapter 5: Ointments' Flies

Back on Easterly Trace. .Trent's passengers had doffed their LaStraw garb.

"Ethan, how did you beat us here? " Jane asked.

"By foot," Ethan shrugged.

"But it's ten miles from Dad's office!" Quinn gasped.

"And how did you get inside the grounds? Did that fresh ditch under the fence have something to do with it?" Daria asked.

"You got it," Ethan shrugged.

"Ethan's been climbing sheer cliffs hundreds of feet tall daily since he was a kid!" Ted exclaimed.

" But last time they visited, Mr. Yeager said Ethan would start rock climbing," Quinn insisted.

" With all due respect to them, the Yeager parents aren't the sharpest rocks in the creek! You never know what talent Ethan's going to hone next!" Ted beamed in awe.

"Say, how did you two become collegues? Was it after you built your PC?" Quinn asked.

"We grew up together outside Taos! My folks liked his folks' hammocks and his folks like my folks' corn!" Ted insisted.

"I never would have thought you two would have had anything in common,"Jane pondered.

"Oh, our farms were only twelve miles apart and we both were homeschooled! "Ted replied.

"Yeah,