NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF
By M Man
(This episode takes place shortly before "Jane's Addition")
OPENING THEME
La la la la la
This is my stop
Got to get off
I may go pop
Excuse me! Excuse me!
I've got to be direct
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck
Daria in "Nothing to Cheer But Cheer Itself"
SEGMENT 1 OF "NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF"
(Gym class - Ms. Morris, as usual, has turned it into cheerleading practice. Daria, Andrea, and Jodie are practicing pom-pom routines. Next to them, other girls are building a "pyramid." Jane Lane is one of the girls on the bottom. Brittany Taylor is trying to climb to the top, but the pyramid collapses when she starts to climb.)
Morris: What's the matter?
Brittany: They keep falling down, Ms. Morris!
Morris: Who keeps falling? Jane Lane, I think you're the weakest link here.
Jane: Actually, I prefer Sick Sad World.
(Shift scene to Daria, Jodie and Andrea.)
Daria: (flatly) Rah! (sneezing) At-chooo!!
Jodie: Do you have a cold, Daria?
Daria: I think I'm allergic to pom-poms.
Jodie: Daria, these are plastic.
(Shift back to pyramid-builders. Another collapsed pyramid.)
Morris: Lane, why don't you try the pom-poms? Morgendorffer, get over here!
(Jane and Daria change positions. Daria hands her pom-pom to Jane as they pass.)
Daria: (solemnly, handing over the pom-pom) The pom-pom is passed to a new generation.
(Jane smirks, then joins Jodie and Andrea.)
Morris: Morgendorffer, you better get serious! The fate of this pyramid rests on your shoulders.
Daria (softly to herself): We will bear any burden ...
Morris: What?
Daria: Uh, what do I have to do?
Morris: Down on your hands and knees with the other girls!
(She does.)
Morris: OK, now the second row.
(Two girls balance on Daria and the others on the bottom.)
Morris: OK, Brittany, try it again!
(Brittany climbs up with help from the second row and stands on their shoulders. She sticks out her arms for a few seconds to gain her balance, then triumphantly raises her arms in the air.)
Brittany: Gooooooo, Lions!!!
Daria; (sneezes) At-choooo!!!
(Due to Daria's sneeze, the pyramid collapses in a heap. The girls start to pick themselves up, except Brittany.)
Morris: Oh, my God! Is everyone OK?
Brittany: My ankle! I think it's broken!
(SCENE - Morris's office. Daria is across the desk, sitting and facing Morris.)
Morris: Lucky for you, Miss Morgendorffer, it's only a bad sprain.
Daria: So it wasn't broken?
Morris: No. Brittany will be OK in about ten days. You're lucky it wasn't worse.
Daria: Lucky? Why me?
Morris: This was your fault, Morgendorffer!
Daria: Excuse me? It was an accident!
Morris: Sneezes can be suppressed. There's a football game Saturday, and I'm short one cheerleader because of you!
Daria: So one of the JVs can fill in.
Morris: That's not what I had in mind.
Daria: Uh, what then?
Morris: *You* will be on the cheerleading squad next Saturday.
Daria: Excuse me? You can't make me do that!
Morris: You think not? Take a look at these!
(Morris hands Daria some sheets of paper from her desk. Daria looks at them.)
Daria: These are stories I've written! Stolen from my locker!
Morris: Correction! *Copies* of stories you've written! *Confiscated* from your locker! Look at them - Melody Powers battles Angel LaLee. I think we know who that's really about, Miss Morgendorffer. And there are others. The sort of violent revenge stories that get anti-social kids like you kicked out of school.
(Daria sighs angrily.)
Morris: I will destroy these if you do as I say and fill in for Miss Taylor this week.
Daria: But why? One of the JVs would do better than I would. I'm no cheerleader.
Morris: Because I'm sick of smartass kids like you who have no school spirit! For one week, you're going to *have* school spirit. You will cheer, build pyramids, and wave pom-poms in practice until Friday. You'll smile until your face hurts! Friday, you'll wear your skin-baring cheerleader uniform to class like all the other cheerleaders, and Saturday afternoon, you'll cheer for those big muscular guys fighting for the glory of the blue and gold! And you'll look like you're enjoying every minute of it! Or ...
Daria (scowling): ... you turn me in to the anti-Free-Speech Nazis.
Morris: You have a perfect grasp of the situation, Miss Morgendorffer. I think you've learned enough in my class to pass for a cheerleader for one week.
Daria (big sigh): What do I tell my parents? Everybody else? They know I'm not a cheerleader.
Morris: That's your problem, Miss Morgendorffer.
(Morris now hands Daria a stack of folded clothes.)
Morris: There's everything you need. The shorts and t-shirt are for practice. The uniform is for Friday and Saturday only, but try it on once before that to make sure it fits.
(Daria, carrying the uniforms, sighs, gets up and starts to leave.)
Morris: Oh, one more thing, Miss Morgendorffer.
(Daria, scowling, turns to face Morris.)
Daria: Yes?
Morris (cheerily): Smile!!
(Daria puts on a phony smile, turns and leaves.)
(SCENE - Daria walking home, carrying the cheerleader uniform under her arm, looking depressed, staring down at her feet.)
(SCENE - Daria walks into her bedroom, puts down the uniform, picks up the phone and dials. Split screen when Brittany answers. Brittany has her ankle wrapped and elevated.)
Brittany: Hello?
Daria: Um, Hello, Brittany. This is Daria ...
Brittany (surprised): Daria? Uh, hi!
Daria: Are you OK, Brittany? Ms. Morris told me it wasn't broken ...
Brittany: It's sprained, Daria. I'll be OK.
Daria: Look, Brittany, I feel kinda bad about this ...
Brittany: Oh, Daria, it was an accident!
Daria: Yeah, but I sorta like caused it. Look, Brittany, if there's anything I can do.
Brittany: Not really, Daria. It'll get better by itself. I just hate missing the game Saturday, but I'll be back the next week.
Daria: Uh, Brittany, about that game Saturday, I think I *can* help you a little. Ms. Morris wants me to fill in for you ...
Brittany (long pause): You mean, be a cheerleader?
Daria: That's right.
Brittany: Daria, when I fell, did I land on your head?
Daria: No, Brittany.
Brittany: Daria, I think you better see a doctor. Maybe you were hurt worse than me?
Daria: I'm fine, Brittany, uh, sort of.
Brittany: 'Bye, Daria, I hope you feel better soon. (hangs up)
Daria: But that's what I was supposed to tell *you* ...
(The phone is dead. Daria sighs and hangs up.)
END OF SEGMENT 1 OF "NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF"
CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH SCENE OF PYRAMID COLLAPSING
Commercial break? Hmmm, how about a few ads for Noggin shows?
Or maybe not.
SEGMENT 2 OF "NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF"
(SCENE - Daria, Quinn, Jake and Helen at the kitchen table, having their usual meal of lasagna.)
Daria: Uh, I have an announcement to make.
Helen: What is it, Daria?
Daria: I'm going to be a cheerleader for one week.
(They all stare at her with blank expressions.)
Daria: I'm going to be cheering at the football game Saturday.
(Long pause.)
Jake: Ha! Ha! Good one, Daria! Your ol' dad sure loves a good joke!
Quinn (scoffing): It wasn't *that* funny.
Daria (deadpan): I'm not joking.
Helen: You, a cheerleader? Why, Daria, that's silly! (Chuckles) Daria - a cheerleader! Ha, ha, ha ...
Quinn: I guess it *is* kinda funny. (smiles and laughs.)
(Daria sighs and continues eating.)
(SCENE - Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is painting her nails. Jake is reading the newspaper. Helen is on the cellphone with Eric.)
Jake: What!? You can't hit squirrels with golf clubs? Not even a nine- iron?
Helen: That was Jake, Eric. Well, Eric, if Jake is arrested for killing squirrels I'll handle the case myself pro bono. Eric, he's my husband! ...
(Daria walks into the living room wearing a Lawndale High cheerleader uniform and sits down. Everyone stares at her.)
Helen: Eric, I'll have to call you back. Yes, it *is* an emergency! (hangs up)
Quinn (to Daria): Where did you get that uniform?
Helen: Daria, isn't this going a long way to play a joke?
Daria: It's not a joke. Brittany Taylor sprained her ankle in gym class. It was my fault because I sneezed and brought down a pyramid. It's my obligation to fill in for her.
Helen: Daria, that's nice that you're concerned about Brittany, but I don't think you have to ...
Daria: Mom, I *want* to do this.
Quinn: But you're not a cheerleader! You don't know the first thing about it!
Daria: Quinn, you have Morris for gym, all she does is cheerleading practice. Every girl at Lawndale High has learned all the basics ...
Quinn: Better than playing dodgeball like the boys do. But, Daria, that's not the point! You don't know about being cute and perky and ...
Daria: I can do the cheers, Quinn. For one week.
Quinn: Something funny's going on here ...
Helen: I agree ...
Daria: Look, you want me involved in extracurricular activities, right? Isn't a week better than nothing at all? Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
(Daria angrily walks out of the room.)
Jake: Uh, Helen, that was *Daria* in that cheerleader uniform, right?
Helen (exasperated): Oh, Jake!
(SCENE - Daria, still in the uniform, back in her room, on the phone with Jane. Split-screen.)
Jane: I can't believe it!
Daria: If I don't, Morris has me thrown out of school and turned over to the guys in white coats as a national security threat because I used real people in a thriller I wrote.
Jane: Look, Daria, you have to fight this! What did Helen say?
Daria: Well, I told her I'm a cheerleader for a week, but I didn't exactly tell her why.
Jane: But you're being blackmailed! This is a legal matter! Why aren't you fighting this? You sound so ... so ... resigned to it.
Daria: Jane, I really *did* feel bad when I saw Brittany laying there in pain clutching her ankle. I don't think I owe Morris anything, but maybe I do owe Brittany something ...
Jane: But, Daria, becoming a *cheerleader*? Send her a nice card if you feel guilty.
Daria (sighs): But, really, Jane, I think Morris has me over a barrel on this, even if Mom gets involved. Those stories I wrote were pretty graphic.
Jane: So, which is it? Guilty over Brittany or afraid of Morris?
Daria: Uh, both, I guess.
Jane: OK, Daria, it's your choice. If it were me, I'd fight this thing.
Daria: Thanks, Jane.
(They both hang up. Daria turns on the TV.)
TV (Sick Sad World theme and announcer): Call 911 or order more kielbasa? Drive-by polka bands, next on Sick Sad World!
(SCENE - Cheerleading practice. Morris is introducing Daria. The cheerleaders, including Daria, Angie, Nikki, and Lisa, are dressed in blue t-shirts with "Lawndale Cheerleading" written in gold letters, and short blue cheerleader shorts with gold trim.)
Morris: Girls, Daria Morgendorffer will be with us this week, filling in for Brittany. Let's welcome her!
Angie: Hi, Daria!
Nikki: Glad to have you, Daria!
Lisa: Yeah, hi, Daria!
Daria (flatly): Uh, hi.
Morris: Now, Daria, you're a cheerleader! Show some pep! We wouldn't want any, uh, *stories* getting out, now would we?
Daria (forced enthusiasm): Hey, girls! Glad to be here! Goooo, Lions!!
Morris: That's better!
(SCENE - Basement of Morgendorffer house. Jane and Daria sitting on the basement steps. Some pom-poms are lying on the floor. Daria is in her practice uniform.)
Jane: I can't believe you're actually doing this. Uh, look, tell me if I'm out of line, but can I see you do a cheer?
Daria: Uh, OK.
(Daria gets up, picks up the pom-poms, and assumes the ready position.)
Daria: Touchdown! (raises arms, then lowers), touchdown! (the same again), six points on the scoreboard! (arms stretched to sides) Score, Lions, Score! (finishes with a kneeling lunge).
Jane: God, Daria, that really sucks ...
Daria (downcast): I knew it, I can't do this ...
Jane: No, Daria, that was good. Really good. That's what sucks about it.
Daria: Are you serious?
Jane: If I didn't know better, I'd swear you'd been doing this your whole life ...
Daria (big sigh): I think all those gym classes have gotten to me. I've actually turned into a cheerleader. If I start flirting with Kevin, would you please shoot me?
(Jane smirks)
(SCENE - O'Neill's class. Class hasn't started yet. The students are all seated. Brittany's seat is empty.)
Jodie: Uh, Daria, what's this I hear about you being a cheerleader?
Daria: Uh, yeah, I'm filling in for Brittany.
Jodie: Good to see you getting involved, Daria. But, a cheerleader? You?
Daria: It's just for a week.
Jodie: Hey, with you, that's really something ...
(Brittany, her ankle wrapped, comes in on crutches and sits down. Daria looks at her, then looks away with a guilty expression.)
(SCENE - Cheerleading practice. Kevin, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy and Robert are standing in the gym door, watching.)
Cheerleaders: Defense! Defense! Get that ball! Get that ball and fight! Fight, Lions, fight!
(The cheer ends.)
Daria: Uh, Angie, why do those guys always come to watch us practice?
Angie (knowingly): They're not really here to watch us *practice*, they're here to watch *us*.
Daria: Oh, I get it.
(SCENE - Jane and Daria at Jane's locker, with the locker open.)
Daria: I'm getting really bad, Jane. These football players stopped by to watch us during practice, and I was watching out of the corner of my eye to see if they were watching me as much as the other cheerleaders.
Jane: Uh, were they?
Daria (smiling): Yeah, I think they were ...
Jane (horrified): Daria!
Daria: Sorry.
Jane: Look, Daria, this is all over Saturday, right? You'll soon be back to normal. I'm sure of it. You're *not* a cheerleader.
Daria (sighs): I am, this week. Tomorrow we wear our uniforms to class.
Jane: Oooh, Bummer ...
(Brittany comes up to them on crutches.)
Brittany: Hi, Daria! I hear you're doing really well in practice!
Daria: Thanks, Brittany, how's the ankle?
Brittany: Oh, it's a lot better. I could probably walk on it now but the doctor told me to play safe and use the crutches all through the weekend.
Daria: That's good, Brittany. Um, get better soon. The squad needs you.
Brittany: Thanks! See you, Daria! (Brittany leaves.)
Daria: Damn, I wish this weekend was over.
END OF SEGMENT 2 OF "NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF"
CUT TO COMMERICAL BREAK WITH SHOT OF DARIA WALKING INTO THE LIVING ROOM IN HER CHEERLEADER UNIFORM
Time for a commercial break. Go get something to eat. You don't actually *watch* commercials, do you?
SEGMENT 3 OF "NOTHING TO CHEER BUT CHEER ITSELF"
(SCENE - Barch's class. Class hasn't started yet. Daria walks in wearing her cheerleader uniform, looking uncomfortable. She sits down next to Mack.)
Mack: Hey, Daria, is that you? What's with the uniform?
Daria: Uh, yeah, Mack, it's me. I'm, uh, filling in for Brittany tomorrow. I'll be cheering for you guys.
Mack: Wow, that's cool! I never would have thought it! Good luck!
Daria: Thanks, Mack.
Kevin: Hey, Mack Daddy ...
Mack: Don't call me that ...
Kevin: Hey, Daria? If you're filling in for Brittany, are you my babe today?
Daria: No, Kevin. I just do the cheerleading part. Brittany still does the babe part. Please try to remember that.
Kevin: Hey, no problem, Daria!
(Barch walks in.)
Barch: Now, class, let's ...
(she notices Daria.)
Barch: Oh, no! Daria! Don't tell me you've decided to entice males with that skimpy uniform, exposing your near-naked body for them to ogle!
(The whole class turns to stare at Daria.)
Daria: Er, ulp ...
(Daria turns beet red, buries her face in her hands and slinks down in her chair.)
Daria, turn away from the cheerleading life! It will attract lust-driven males who will bring you nothing but grief! Twenty-two years of my life ...!
(SCENE - In the hallway, after Barch's class.)
Jane: Well, did Barch's, uh, lecture convince you not to go through with this?
Daria (peeved): That so-called lecture has earned her death by slow torture in my next Melody Powers story. Never mind, I'll just do it myself ...
Jane (smirk): I thought the school colors had changed to blue, gold and *red*.
Daria: (through gritted teeth) Shut - up!! (Sigh) Well, now I have another reason to go through with this. Morris is blackmailing me, I feel guilty about Brittany, and I won't give Barch the satisfaction of humiliating me out of it.
Jane: Are you sure there isn't another reason?
Daria: What?
Jane: That maybe you *like* being know as a cheerleader, one of the cutest, most popular girls in the school? You like the status ...
Daria (angry): Of course not! You know me better than that!
(Daria walks away from Jane.)
(SCENE - Morgendorffer breakfast table. The whole family is eating cereal. Daria is in her cheerleader uniform.)
Helen: OK, Daria, it looks like you're going through with this. I *still* think there's something you're not telling me ...
Quinn: ... like who kidnapped my *real* sister ...
Daria: I'm doing this for Brittany.
Helen (disbelieving): OK, Daria, you're sticking to your story. Did I ever tell you what a great witness you'd be in a court trial?
Daria (sigh): Look, do you *have* to come to the game?
Jake: Of course we're coming, kiddo! We come to all your games! My daughter, the cheerleader!
Helen: Jake, this is her first and last game as a cheerleader.
Jake: It is?
(SCENE - At the football game. The stands are filled. The game hasn't started yet. Morris is giving the cheerleaders a pep talk.)
Morris: OK, girls, who's got spirit?
Cheerleaders: We've got spirit!
Morris: Who's got Lawndale spirit?
Cheerleaders: We've got Lawndale Spirit!
Morris: Who's gonna win?
Cheerleaders: Lions!
Morris: OK, let's keep it up during the game. Especially you, Daria, you've been doing well, don't blow it now.
(Morris leaves. The other cheerleaders start talking among themselves. Daria looks into the stands and sees Helen and Jake. She waves and they wave back. )
(SCENE - In the stands. The Fashion Club is sitting together.)
Stacy: Uh, Quinn, isn't that your cousin? When did she become a cheerleader?
Tiffany: Reallyyyy ...
Quinn (nervously): Cheerleader? Uh, that's just someone who looks like my cousin. We all know my cousin wouldn't really be a cheerleader ... (nervous laugh) Haha!
Sandi (mockingly): Of course not, Quinn. *We* believe you.
(SCENE - Brittany, still on crutches, comes up to the cheerleaders.)
Angie: Hey, Brit, how's it going?
Nikki: Glad you're here, Brittany!
Lisa: Yeah, Brittany!
Brittany: Thanks, girls. Hey, Daria, I want you to know that I really appreciate you filling in for me. I mean, you didn't have to do this just for me. I think it's really nice that a brain would become a cheerleader just to help a non-brain for a week. Thanks, Daria!
Daria: You're welcome, Brittany. I, uh, hope I prove worthy of you.
Brittany: Maybe sometime if you get a brain injury I can fill in for *you*!
Daria: Uh, well, maybe, Brittany. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.
Brittany: Hey, good luck, Daria! Maybe I'll see you after the game!
(Brittany leaves.)
(SCENE - Upchuck, in the announcer's seat in the booth. The opposing team, East Carter, kicks off.)
Upchuck: The kickoff from the visiting Eagles of East Carter is taken by Mighty Mack Mackenzie at the fifteen yard line and returned all the way to the forty! Good runback, Mack!
(SCENE - Cheerleaders on the sidelines.)
Cheerleaders: Take that football down the field! Take that football down the field! Down the field and score!
(Daria is following along with other cheerleaders, but her smile is wooden.)
(SCENE - Helen and Jake in the stands.)
Helen: My, my, Daria's doing rather well, isn't she?
Jake: Of course she is, Helen! She's a cheerleader!
Helen: Jake, she wasn't until this week! Don't you pay attention to *anything*?
(SCENE - Action back on the field. Kevin passes to Mack for a touchdown.)
Upchuck: Six points for our mighty Lions of Lawndale! A twenty yard pass from the rifle-armed Kevin Thompson to the sure-handed Mack Mackenzie and it's Lions 6, East Carter nada!
(SCENE - Cheerleaders on the sidelines.)
Cheerleaders: Lions! Lions! Make that kick! Lions! Lions! Make that kick! Make - that - kick!
(The cheerleaders, including Daria, finish with leaps.)
(SCENE - The football players trotting off the field.)
Upchuck: And the score at halftime, our own Lawndale Lions fourteen! The lowly Eagles of East Carter, six!
(Morris walks up to the cheerleaders.)
Morris: OK, girls, that was good first half. You're doing well, Daria. Just try to smile a bit more.
(Daria forces a smile.)
(SCENE - Action back on the field. The second half is beginning.)
Upchuck: And the short kickoff is taken by the enemy Eagles of East Carter and - there's a fumble! - our opportunistic Lions of Lawndale recover near midfield and could it be another TD for the boys from LHS?
(SCENE - Jane approaches the cheerleaders and walks up to Daria.)
Daria: Uh, Jane, you're really not supposed to be inside the fence ...
Jane: Daria! Look what I have!
(Jane hands her the papers.)
Daria: Jane! My stories! How did you get them?
Jane: I needed to get something from the art room. The janitor let me in. I thought about Morris and her blackmail evidence and walked over to the gym just to see if I could climb the transom or something ...
Daria: There is no transom. How did you get these?
Jane: She forgot to lock the door, Daria! Can you believe it? You're off the hook! Let's get out of here. I'll drive you home and you can put on a nice knee-length pleated skirt and some boots ...
(Morris walks up. Jane hides the stories behind her back.)
Morris: What are you doing here, Lane? You're not allowed in here! And why are you talking to her, Daria? How would you like me to turn those stories right over to the school board ...
(SCENE - Action on the field.)
Upchuck: It's the always-dangerous Kevin Thompson dropping back to pass. Oh, but no, his receivers are all covered! Kevin runs with the football going for a first down! He's headed toward the sideline marker ... !
(SCENE - On the sideline. Morris, Daria and Jane with the other cheerleaders. Kevin is heading straight for them.)
Angie: Look out!!!
(All the cheerleaders scatter except Daria, who is right in line to be hit by Kevin. She turns and stares wide-eyed, frozen to the ground, as Kevin bears down on her. At the last moment Jane pulls her out of the way and Kevin crosses the sideline and runs hard into Morris, who goes flying through the air and lands with a dull thud.)
(SCENE - Football players (including Kevin), officials, cheerleaders (including Daria) and Jane watch as an EMS van rolls away from the sideline, siren blaring.)
Jane: Well, Daria, it looks like your career as a cheerleader is over.
Daria: But what about the rest of the second half?
Jane: Daria, I *have* your stories ...
Daria: But, Jane, now I *want* to cheer for the football team! Especially Kevin!
Jane: Uh, Daria, are you OK?
Daria: Better than OK. I'm feeling peppy! I've got spirit!
Jane (uneasy): OK, Daria, I'll see you after the game.
(Jane leaves.)
Angie: OK, girls, the game is starting again. Let's do "Spirit."
Daria: Can I lead?
Angie (surprised): Uh, sure, Daria.
Daria: Who's got spirit?
Other cheerleaders: We've got spirit!
Daria: We've got spirit!
Other cheerleaders: Lawndale spirit ... !
(SCENE - Action on the field. The game is ending.)
Upchuck: And that's the final gun! The final score, the ever-mighty Lions of Lawndale High twenty-one, the de-feathered Eagles of East Carter, a measly six!
(SCENE - Cheerleaders on the sideline. Brittany comes up on her crutches.)
Brittany: Gee, Daria, maybe next year you can be a real cheerleader, you know, not just a fill-in!
Daria: It's dangerous for brains to cheer more than once a season, Brittany. I don't want to risk it.
Brittany (pretending to understand): Ohhhhh!
(SCENE - Daria's bedroom. Daria and Jane are talking.)
Jane: So, Morris's near-demise filled you with too much team spirit to quit at halftime, eh, Daria?
Daria: Something like that. I hear she has a broken leg.
Jane: ... and multiple abrasions ...
Daria: ... and bruised ribs ...
Jane: Daria, there's something you're not telling me ...
Daria (evasively): Um, maybe ...
Jane: I was right, wasn't I? About you wanting the status of being a cheerleader?
Daria: No, that wasn't it. It was more like ... well, when I first told Brittany that I was filling in for her, she thought maybe she'd kicked me in the head when I collapsed that pyramid. When I told my family, they thought it was a big joke. I had to put on the uniform just to get them to listen. Jodie and Mack, too. Morris may be a blackmailing locker-snoop, but at least *she* thought I could do it.
Jane: Ah, I see.
Daria: I had to prove that if I really *wanted* to be a cheerleader, I could do it. That I'm not a cheerleader because I don't want to be, not because I can't. Especially after doing it in Morris's gym classes for over a year.
Jane: So I recovered your stories all for nought.
Daria: No, I'm glad you did. I didn't trust Morris to keep her end of the bargain. She could have kept those, or copies of them, for future blackmail.
Jane: In fact, she did have two copies of everything. She probably planned to destroy one set while you watched and never tell you about the other until she used them.
Daria: So I really do owe you a lot of thanks. Hmmm. Let's see:
(Daria stands up in the cheerleader's ready position.)
Ready! Set!
You got my stories back for me!
You got my stories back for me!
Thanks, Jane!
Thanks, Jane!
Thanks, Jane Lane!!!
(Jane is wide-eyed in amazement.)
Daria: Sorry. I just had to get that last one out of my system. Pizza? My treat?
END OF SEGMENT 3 - END OF FANFIC
Alter-egos:
Jane as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Helen as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Jodie as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Andrea as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Dawn as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Amy as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Marianne as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
Grandma Ruth Morgendorffer as a Lawndale High Cheerleader.
The whole Fashion Club as Lawndale High Cheerleaders.
Closing Theme - "Cheerleader" by Deirdre Flint
If I could live my life in rewind
There's a couple of changes I'd make this time
Cause if I knew what was good for me
I'd have been practicing splits from the age of three
Oh, I got a Masters, I got a car, I volunteer
and I can play the guitar
But I'd trade it all in the bat of an eye
For a polyester skirt ridin' up my thigh
Oh, life must be great like a permanent date
When you're a cheerleader
Oh, The fun doesn't end and your hair is your friend
When you're a cheerleader
Cheerleaders drive Camaros
Cheerleaders don't date geeks
And everybody thinks it's really cute the way she has to
S-P-L-L everything she speaks.
All the guys want to date her all the girls want to be her
Next time round, I want to be a cheerleader
*****
NOTES
Mucho thanks to beta-readers Brandon League, janelane25, thea_zara, and Firah.
*****
Please e-mail your reactions to this fanfic to mman37x@cs.com
As always, fan-artists are strongly encouraged to draw pictures based on this fanfic.