Love is in the Air (Pass the Air Freshener)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction (or a desperate plea for help....you be the judge) Daria & her amazing friends are ™ and © MTV. Daria and all other characters belong to MTV, but were created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. Doesn't that just suck? All music, pop culture references, and the like are probably ® ™ and © also but I'm to damn lazy to look it up. Used without permission...Please don't sue me :>} Oh, and ANY resemblance between my so-called 'Mary Sue' characters and certain popular fanfic writers is PURELY coincidental (giggle) or is used for the purpose of parody, so put down those 'maters durn it!

(Instead of the traditional Daria intro, you get the Senior Year series intro instead. The Music is Love is in the Air and, sadly, it is being performed by Crazy Nutso. Be afraid, be very, very afraid! The intro is Red Dwarf style, ie. it features scenes from the upcoming season (called teasers) actually, I stole the idea from Canadibrit, but DON'T TELL HER!)

• Daria, Jane, Nora, Andrea, Stacy and Cecily leaning against their lockers, looking like the 'Sweat Hogs' from Welcome Back Kotter.
  
  
• Daria and Sandi Griffin sitting together at the pizza parlor.
  
  
• Jake and Helen in a hospital. Jake is talking intensely to a Korean woman in a hospital bed.
  
  
• Daria, in a black dress, stepping out of a hearse.
  
  
• Daria flying out of the back of the Tank.
  
  
• Tricia Gupty being carried away by zombies.
  
  
• Daria wakes up, madeover, and in bed with Trent.
  
  
• Daria onstage with the rest of Anti-Teen. Camera zooms in on her face. She gets her "Mona Lisa" smile, then the logo surrounds her and the screen goes green.

We see Jane walking to the Morgendorffer's. She's about to ring the door when Quinn walks out, almost bumping into her. Quinn doesn't even give a second glance at her. Jane goes in. In the living room, we see Jake and a 4-month pregnant, just starting to show, Helen dancing. I've Got You Babe as covered by The Pretenders plays in the background. Jane looks at them strangely, then heads upstairs to Daria's room. She knocks on the door.

Daria:

(Voice through door) Come in. (Jane enters and we see Daria talking on the phone, she gives Jane a 'Be Right With You' gesture, then continues her phone conversation) Look, are you sure you want to do this? (Pause: Listening, we don't her the person at the other end) Well then just be honest about it. She'll probably be thrilled... at least until she learns all the work that goes with the job. (Pause: Listening again) Really? Well that's great. Yes, if you need my help, I be around. Ok. Goodbye. (Daria hangs up the phone) Hey Jane. What brings you here?

Jane:

Curiosity. I've always wondered what your parents would look like slow dancing.

Daria:

The concept of Prom has brought out the worst in them. Plus they're both off work to prepare for their trip to Korea. ¹

Jane:

Aha. So who will be caring for the young Morgendorffers whilst the parents are away?

Daria:

I was hoping they'd adapt the Lane family approach, but no such luck. Aunt Amy is supposed to get here a few days before they leave.

Jane:

Well, as babysitters go, she won't be so bad, right? I mean, she's pretty cool, isn't she?

Daria:

She's OK. So what brings you here?

Jane:

Oh, I just thought a girls night out might be in order. It's been a long time since we did any hell-raising.

Daria:

I don't recall having ever raised any hell, but you make a persuasive argument. Have you gathered the troops?

Jane:

Andrea, Stacy, Nora and Jodie are in. Cecily has a date with Ted, and thus sends her regrets.

Daria:

Excuse me? Did you just say that Jodie has free time? How did that happen?

Jane:

Either her parents have decided to let her enjoy being a teenager for a change, or she's decided to follow Rachel's example and use creative excuse making. ²

Daria:

Ah Jodie, we've taught her well. That's six of us. Do you think we'd all fit into your Gremlin? ³

Jane:

Ho, ho. No Andrea will take me and Stacy in her car, and you can drive Nora and Jodie.

Daria:

Sounds like a plan. (We hear the front door slam) We'd better be going, I have a feeling that my dear sister is none too happy with me right now.

Daria and Jane head down the stairs. Helen and Jake are nowhere to be seen. (use your imagination... or better yet.... DON'T!) Quinn is standing by the door, looking angry.

Quinn:

Daria, what the hell did you do to Sandi when you tutored her? She just quit the Fashion Club! Normally I'd be thrilled, because that would make me the president, and I guess Tiffany would be the vice president, and Brooke could still be secretary, but then Sandi tells me that Principal DeMartino told her that all official school clubs have to have at least six members. So now the fashion club might not even be included in the yearbook, just because we can't find any more fashionable people to join. This is all your fault Daria! Why'd you tell Sandi all that.... stuff for? Now all she wants to do is make herself look good so she can get into a college. Well I'll show her! All get into an even better college. I've got whole extra year to get ready for college! ⁴

Daria:

Well that's great Quinn. So you'll be happy to know that mom and dad have hired a professional tutor to help you.

Quinn:

What? But that's not fair! OOOOOH! (Quinn rushes off to confront her parents about this. The camera stays with Daria and Jane as we hear Quinn stomp to her parents bedroom and open the door...) EWW! (We see a heavily blushing Quinn rush by and head upstairs at full speed) I need a shower.

Jane:

Time to leave?

Daria:

Oh, yeah.

Daria and Jane head out the door. Fade out.

We see the interior of Crazy Bob's World O' Comics. Diane Small, the school psychologist, is sitting in a chair by the door, reading A Fine and Private Place by Peter S. Beagle. She is watching her younger brother 'Crazy' Bob and her friend CB, having one of their typical arguments.

Diane:

(Thought Voice) Those two would be so good together. All they need is a little push.

Suddenly, CB gets an angry look on her face. She says one last thing to Crazy, then storms out. Diane sets her book aside, and approaches Crazy.

Diane:

(Thought Voice) Now is the time. One little white lie, and those two will finally go out. Then I'll finally have a niece or nephew to spoil! ⁵ (Out Loud) Robert, how can you be so cruel to her?

Crazy:

(Pulling a "British/American English" Dictionary from behind the counter) ME? Mean to her? Did you hear what she called me? A 'Wanker'! What the devil is that? (Muttered) Why does she have to speak British? Why can't she speak English like everyone else? Let's see... Wanker.. (Finds the definition, eyes bug out a bit) Why that...

Diane:

Now Robert, don't get upset. She obviously didn't mean it.

Crazy:

All right then, MS. Psychologist to the High Schoolers, what did she mean then?

Diane:

Well it's obvious that she really likes you.

Crazy:

She LIKES me? That's why she's constantly raining down on me with mental and sometimes physical abuse? This is how she expresses her 'like'? What does she do to people she doesn't like? Crossbow bolts to the midsection?

Diane:

Really Robert, anyone with even the slightest knowledge of psychology...

Crazy:

...And that's you to a 'T', isn't it?

Diane:

(ignores him)...would realize that her behaviour toward you is a clear indication of her real feelings. If you knew anything about women, you'd be nicer to her. Then you'd ask her out.

Crazy:

Ask her out? Are you out of your mind, Diane?

Diane:

I happen to know that she wouldn't be unreceptive to the idea. (Beat) Oops.

Crazy:

Wait. What do you mean by that?

Diane:

No, I've said too much already. I can't betray a trust. (With this, she makes a dramatic exit. However, upon getting out of the store, she rubs her hands together, like an evil scientist celebrating a successful plot.) The seeds are planted with him. Now for phase two. (She leaps into her white convertible, and roars away)

The camera quickly pans back to Crazy Bob. He looks thoughtful and slightly confused.

We see Daria's Nova and Andrea's Firebird parked in a gravel lot out in the middle of nowhere. Camera pans to show a sleazy looking strip club. A large banner proclaims: Lady's Nite! We see the outcast brigade getting out of their cars.

Daria:

How did I let you talk me into this again?

Jane:

Come on Daria, it'll be fun! Besides, the last time we went to a strip club, we were interrupted by Ms. Li. ⁶

Daria:

Ok, first things first. We need designated drivers. I volunteer to be one, but who wants to be the other?

Jodie:

I'll do it. Babysitting drunks is not unlike being in student council.

Andrea:

C'mon! Let's go in!

Our hapless heroines enter the establishment. It's a typical grungy looking strip club (Not that I'd know) with a large, well-lit stage, and numerous tables. Daria and co. sit at a table fairly close to the stage. Camera pans to show the club is about half-full. We see a few familiar faces, including: Ms. Barch, Defoe, and Mrs. Bennett at one table. At another table is all of the cheerleaders from Lawndale High, including Brittany. At a table off in the darkest corner is Mrs. Gupty. She is wearing a hat and sunglasses in an attempt to conceal her true identity. At another table is Monique, Cheryl,⁷ another goth girl, and Allison.⁸ The stage lights come up, and the first dancers start to come on. I'm Too Sexy by Right Sed Fred plays in the background.

Daria:

I've got a bad feeling about this...

We see all the girls (except Daria and Jodie) drinking and hooting at the guys onstage. Fade out.

We see Diane Small and CB at Lawndale's Trendy Coffee Shop.

CB:

I swear Diane, one of these days, I'm just going to whip out my crossbow and put a bolt through your brother's eye.

Diane:

You carry that crossbow with you everywhere?

CB:

I'm used to the mean streets of London. The mean streets of Lawndale aren't much better. I wonder how far Crazy could run while I assemble my crossbow? I like a moving target.

Diane:

You really are clueless about guys, aren't you?

CB:

Well, I don't date narcoleptic musicians, if that's what you mean.

Diane:

(ignores her)My brother may be a bit of a social retard, and he's no master of the art of flirting, like me, but it's pretty obvious that he likes you. In fact, if you weren't always so harsh with him, he might even ask you out.

CB:

Ask me out? Are you out of your mind, Diane?

Diane:

I happen to know that he's been thinking about it. (Beat) Oops.

CB:

Wait. What do you mean by that?

Diane:

No, I've said too much already. I can't betray a trust. I'll see you later. (With this, she makes a dramatic exit. However, upon getting out of the Trendy Coffee Shop, she rubs her hands together, like an evil scientist celebrating a successful plot.) Everything is now in place. All I have to do now is wait for them to click together. (She leaps into her white convertible, and roars away)

It's now much later at the club. Several pitchers are lined up on Daria & friends table. Nora looks passed out, and Stacy looks mildly tipsy. Andrea and Jane are still drinking, possibly competitively. Daria and Jodie are starting to look bored. Suddenly, the camera pans to show Mrs. Gupty tucking a dollar bill into the g-string of one of the men on the stage. He accidentally bumps her, causing her hat and sunglasses to fall off. She turns to retrieve them, and finds herself looking right at Daria, who is looking back.

Mrs. Gupty:

EEP! (She grabs her hat and glasses and flees from the club)

Jodie:

Who the heck was that?

Daria:

Someone I babysit for. I have a feeling I will either never, ever be sitting for them again, or I'm due for a raise.

Suddenly, Monique and her friends come over to Daria's table. Andrea glares at Monique and Jane glares at Allison.

Monique:

Hey Daria, Jane, everyone. You remember Cheryl, don't you?

Daria:

Of course I do. I suppose these are the rest of the Harpies?

Cheryl:

Yeah, it's me and Monique on leads, Maxine (indicates the other goth chick) on bass, and Allison's our newest member on drums.

This earns Allison another glare from Andrea, who also tried out to be a drummer with the Harpies. Allison is looking at Jane oddly, and Jane is now ignoring her.

Cheryl:

So, Daria, have you given any more thought to being The Harpies manager? We could really use you.

Daria:

I don't think so, Cheryl. I'm pretty busy these days.

Monique:

Aw, come on. After we win the Alternapalooza band challenge, we'll really need solid promotion.

Daria:

They're having a battle of the bands at Alternapalooza this year?

Maxine:

Yep! We're gonna win it, too!

Cheryl:

The winner gets studio time and a 500 cd pressing deal. Plus some promotional stuff. So what do you say, Daria?

Monique:

Yeah, we need you, Daria.

Maxine:

Yeah! Join us, Daria.

Daria:

Well...

Andrea:

(Interrupts) Actually, our band will be entering that contest as well. So Daria will be too busy with her own band to help you guys out with your little band.

Cheryl:

I didn't know you guys were a band.

Andrea:

Oh yes. In fact, we toured with Mystik Spiral.⁹ But I'm sure you guys will still have a slight chance of winning against us.

Jane:

Not. (She and Andrea burst into drunken laughter)

Cheryl:

(coldly) Well, we'll just see about that.

Cheryl, Maxine, and Monique stalk off. Allison sits closer to Jane, and whispers something into Jane's ear. Jane's face turns red. Suddenly Nora sits up suddenly, then she leans across the table and vomits onto Allison. Allison storms off in anger.

Nora:

Ugh. Sorry about that.

Jane:

(smirks) Don't worry about it.

They get up and leave. As they are approaching the cars, Daria confronts Andrea.

Daria:

Now what's all this about our band being in a rock challenge?

Andrea:

C'mon Daria, I want to beat those creeps. Besides, you can use the money for college or whatever. (Sees Daria is still glaring at her) Plus you need me to fix up your car so you can pass inspection.

Daria:

Fine. We're in this contest until The Harpies are either beaten or humiliated, but if they get away with the prize, you're going to be sorry you ever met me.

Andrea:

I'm already sorry.

Daria:

Say, Jane, what's up between you and Allison?

Jane:

I met her at that art camp last summer. I don't want to talk about it.

Daria:

Ok. (They arrive at the cars. Daria turns to Jodie) You want to drive Andrea's car?

Jodie:

Sure. It'd be better than that thing you drive. See you later.

The two carloads of people drive off. Fade out.

We see Diane Small sitting in her car. She is trying to peer through the front window of Crazy Bob's World O' Comics. She has a somewhat smug look on her face, as if her evil plans have come to fruition...

Diane:

She's been in there for 25 minutes. It's all coming together. (Rubs her hands together) At last my baby brother will find ©love©. A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (it's evil laughter, in case you missed that...)

The camera pans in on Crazy Bob's World O' Comics, we see Crazy and CB at the counter. They both seem to be extremely uncomfortable around each other... I Think I love you as covered by Less Than Jake plays in the background.

Crazy:

So.. (thought voice) She's acting weird. Maybe Diane was right...

CB:

Um.. yeah.. uh.... (thought voice) He's acting weird. Maybe Diane was right...

Both:

(Realization hits both of them at the same time) Wait a minute! Did Diane tell you....

Crazy develops a rather harsh blush. CB dives under the nearest table. For a moment, no one speaks...

Crazy:

Why are you under the table?

CB:

I don't want you to see me blushing. I can't believe I fell for it. Your sister is such a...

Crazy:

Yenta?

CB:

No, she's such a pain in the....

Crazy:

Neck?

CB:

Not what I was thinking, but it'll do. So what do we do now?

Crazy:

Well, the mature thing to do would be to just forgive her. I mean, it's not as if she's parked across the street trying to see the results of her handiwork. (He is glancing casually out the window as he says this, then his eyes fall on something outside the shop... his sister's car)

CB:

She is parked across the street, isn't she?

Without waiting for an answer, CB bolts out from under the table. She rushes out the back door, with Crazy trying to keep up. From the alley behind the shop, CB has a clear view of Diane, still sitting in her car looking smug. Suddenly a targeting cross-hair appears over her face. Camera pans to show CB holding a crossbow, she is just putting the bolt in, and her finger is on the trigger as Crazy finally catches up to her.

Crazy:

Now is killing Diane really going to make you feel better?

CB:

Duh.

Crazy:

OK, stupid question. But do you really want to go to jail?

CB:

I can handle jail. Besides, they might just deport me back to London.

Crazy:

Yes, and you'd be forced to go back to your old job, (Beat) as a secretary.

CB:

EEP! (Lowers the crossbow) Damn you and your insidious logic! So now what?

Crazy:

Why don't we temporarily set aside our hostilities...

CB:

You mean work together... for revenge?

Crazy:

(holds out his hand) For Revenge!

CB:

(Takes his hand and shakes it) Revenge!

They both re-enter the store through the back door. Fade out, Bumper (one of the funky season 4 moving bumpers, even!) shows the camera pan of Mrs. Gupty freaking out, CB diving under the table, and Nora throwing up.

Ok, I think this is a commercial for a local dealership, but I'm not sure. It's for an 'all-holidays' sale. The premise is that instead of just having a sale for one holiday, they have one for ALL the holidays. In the background, we see the various holiday people fighting, including cupid, the presidents, and a leprechaun. It's very DTAH-like....

We see a typical Japanese city street. A crowd of screaming people suddenly run by. Camera pans back to show GODZILLA King of the monsters chasing them. He tosses a bus, which the camera follows until it crashes into the street. Suddenly, the crushed bus is flattened by what appears to be a giant combat boot...

Coming.... sometime in the far future.... like next year (2001) or something....or, if you're NOT reading this right after it was released, it might already be out, unless i decided not to write it or something... oh, anyway it's DARIA THE HUNTER VS GODZILLA. Because everything to do with Godzilla MUST be over hyped!

We see a close shot of Jane-wolf, looking up at something behind the camera...

Jane:

Wow, I guess that size does matter!

Announcer:

Coming soon... er, sometime to fanfic sites everywhere...

We see Godzilla grappling with someone we can't quite see. Suddenly, the giant combat boot flies into Godzilla's crotch. (and YES the giant boot is apparently connected to what appears to be a giant leg, but you can't see the whole thing) We see a close-up of Godzilla's face, he grimaces in pain.

Announcer:

So don't miss DARIA THE HUNTER VS GODZILLA! Coming.. ah, er.... eventually. Because Bigger is Badder!

We see Daria driving in her Nova. Next to her is Lyman. They approach the Lane household, and Tom's Pinto is parked outside.

Daria:

Ah, looks like Young Thomas is paying a call.

Lyman:

Hmm. The Ford Pinto. Not many of those left around. Come to think of it, though, it looks a lot like a car I've seen before.

Daria:

Really? Where?

Lyman:

(Thoughtful tone) What? Oh, it couldn't be the same one, anyhow. Let's go in.

They enter the house. Tom is sitting on the couch, looking slightly po'ed.

Daria:

Hey Tom.

Tom:

Hi Daria. Who's this?

Daria:

Thomas Sloane,¹⁰ This is Lyman Lerman.

Tom:

Nice to meet you, Lyman. (beat) You seem familiar. Have we met?

Lyman:

(Trying to sound casual) I don't know. Ever been to Oilcan Harry's Bar in Leeville?

Tom:

(The color drains from his face, he sounds strained) No. No, I don't think I have. Uh, well, Jane's about out of the shower, I've some errands to run. Bye. (He rushes out)

Daria:

Well, what was that about?

Lyman:

I'm not sure. (Narrows his eyes) Does Tom strike you as a gay-basher?

Daria:

No. Not really. Why?

Lyman:

I've seen his car before. Outside of Oilcan Harry's Bar. The night it was firebombed.

Daria:

Oh come on, Tom wouldn't... (She sees Jane coming down the stairs) So... you're going to rent a limo for prom, right?

Lyman:

(eyes flick to Jane and back) Yeah, something like that. I'd better take care of that, then. See ya later.

Lyman leaves. Jane looks at Daria, who looks uncomfortable.

Jane:

What was that all about? And what happened to Tom?

Daria:

Tom said he had some errands to run. Lyman....(beat) He's just tense. Because of the prom and all. So, you ready to go shop for a prom dress?

Jane:

Hmm. Prom is in 4 days, isn't it? (Daria nods) Then I suppose it's that time...

Daria and Jane walk out to Daria's car, and drive off. Fade out.

CB and Crazy emerge through the front door of the comic shop, holding hands. CB walks away, and Crazy waves after her. Then he goes back inside. Diane waits a few minutes, then heads for the front door. At the front door, she takes a few minutes to remove the smug look of satisfaction from her face. She goes to the counter. (Stay Forever by Ween plays in the background) Crazy has a slightly dazed look on his face. When he sees Diane, he acts surprises.

Crazy:

Oh hey sis. You were right.

Diane:

(Tries to sound innocent, fails) Whatever do you mean, Robert?

Crazy:

About CB! I don't know why I never realized how perfect she is. She's smart, she's interesting.... Di, I've got a really good feeling about this. I think she may be the one.

Diane:

Oh that's great! So you're going out with her?

Crazy:

Yeah. We're going out tonight. I'm taking her to Chez Pierre. Uh.. could you make yourself scarce? I want to get ready. (thought voice) I can't believe she's buying this...

Diane:

Well that's great! You two just have fun. I'll see you later. (walks out of the shop, shuts the door) YES!

Crazy:

God... She did buy it.

Crazy shakes his head at his sister's gullibility.

We see Rachel and Jodie Landon in a booth at the Pizza place. Daria and Jane enter, and Jodie signals them to join them.

Daria:

Hey Jodie, Rachel. How are things?

Rachel:

(Sounds distracted, sighs happily) Things are great. Just great.

Jane:

(sounds amused, to Jodie) What's wrong with her?

Jodie:

She's in love.

Daria:

For the record, that's how you were when you first met young Thomas.

Jane:

(Annoyed) Hey!

Daria:

Speaking of love, where's young Michael these days?

Jodie:

Mr. DeMartino drafted the football team into doing the prom restorations.

Daria:

Restorations? What kind of restorations does the school gym need, anyhow?

Jodie:

Oops. It's supposed to be a surprise. I can't say any more.

Daria:

How mysterious.

Jane:

Speaking of mysteries, what the hell happened between Tom and Lyman? Tom doesn't want to ride with you guys now.

Daria:

Oh, that was a misunderstanding. Apparently, Tom bears a resemblance to someone from Leeville. Someone with the unlikely name of 'Poochie'.¹¹ Anyway, you and Tom don't want to miss the big entrance, do you?

Jane:

No, I suppose not...

Jodie:

Big entrance? Are Mack and I going to regret agreeing to ride with you guys to prom?

Daria:

Probably, but it'll be fun. I guess it's just another mystery...

Daria gets her 'Mona Lisa' smile, then we fade out.

CB and Diane are once again having a coffee at the Trendy Coffee Shop.

Diane:

(Tries not to sound smug, fails) So you and Robert have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately. How's it going?

CB:

(Thought voice) Lie mode on. (Out Loud) It's been great. I've never been out with a guy that felt so... right. (Thought voice) Ugh, I think I'm going to be ill. (Out Loud) I really think he might be the one, Di.

Diane:

Well that's just great. (she glances at her watch) Oops, I've got an appointment. Gotta scoot, see ya later...

CB:

Bye! (Thought voice) I can't believe she fell for this. (Waits until Diane is gone, then pulls out a cell phone and dials.) (into phone) She bought it. I think it's time for phase two. Ok, bye.

CB leaves the Trendy Coffee Shop. Fade out.

The Morgendorffer house. Helen and Jake are in the living room.

Helen:

Jake! I heard a car pull up. (Glances out the front window) Oh, he's rented a limo! How nice!

There is a knock at the door. Helen opens it to reveal Steven Galloway. He extends a bouquet of flowers to Helen.

Steven:

Mrs. Morgendorffer, these are for you.

Helen:

Oh, my, how nice! I'll get Quinn for you. (goes to the foot of the stairs, yells up them) Quinn! Your date is here!

Steven:

Thanks.^{® 12}

Quinn:

(from upstairs) I'll be down in five minutes!

Jake:

(Takes Steven by the arm, leads him out of earshot of Helen) Now son, Quinn's a very special girl...

Steven:

(nervous) Yes sir. Very special.

Jake:

(continues) And her mother and I, well we'd hate to see anything happen to her. Anything really bad, like, say receiving a severe beating, or a broken leg, something like that.

Steven:

(scared & confused) Uh, ok....

Jake:

(continues) But I'm sure nothing like that could possibly happen to you, I mean to her if you have her back here by her curfew of midnight.

Steven:

(Serious) Well, of course. Not a minute late.

Jake:

(more jovial now) Well, that's fine then. Oh, look, here comes Quinn now.

Quinn makes a grand entrance, wearing some god-awful and undoubtedly expensive designer prom dress. She arrives at the bottom of the stairs and offers her hand to Steven, who kisses it.

Steven:

(pulls out a corsage) Quinn, you look wonderful. This is for you...(Makes as if to put the corsage on Quinn, but a glance at Jake causes him to change his mind, and just hand it to her. Quinn gets an annoyed look on her face, but puts it on. She takes his arm, and they walk to the door.)

Helen:

Now you kids have fun, but don't forget your curfew Quinn.

Quinn rolls her eyes, and she and Steven leave.

Jake:

I wonder if Daria's date rented a limo...

Daria:

(From offscreen) Something like that...

We see Daria descend the stairs, much like Quinn did. However, Daria is dressed in a black mourner's dress, complete with veil.

Helen:

Daria, what kind of dress is that to wear to prom?

Daria:

It's a theme prom. Well, it's our theme, anyhow. (We hear a car-horn rendition of the first few bars of the funeral dirge) Oops, sounds like my ride's here. Later. (Daria slips out the front door. Helen and Jake follow her)

We see Helen and Jake stopped on the front steps, gaping in horror. The camera pans to reveal Lyman, in a black tux, holding open the front door of a long, black hearse. Daria gets in, and Lyman gives Helen and Jake a jaunty wave, tips his chauffeur cap, and gets back in the drivers side. The hearse pulls away. Helen and Jake just stand on the steps, still looking shocked.

Jake:

Dammit, I never even got to give him the speech.

Helen:

What speech is that?

Jake:

The same speech your father gave me, the first time you brought me home to meet your parents.

Helen:

Oh, yes. You were in such a hurry to get me home by curfew. We had to skip the movie...

Jake:

(Romantic voice) But we've got plenty of time right now...

Helen:

Oh, Jakey!

Helen goes back inside, closely pursued by Jake. We see them running by the window, (as seen in Road Worrier) then there is a merciful fade out.

We see the hearse driving along. Pan inside shows Daria and Lyman in front, Jane, Mack and Jodie in the back. Mack's in a tux, Jodie's in a normal prom dress, and Jane has a slinky little black number.

Jodie:

I should have known you guys would do something bizarre. I wish I had a picture of mom and dad's faces when they saw the car.

Jane:

You do! (Holds up a camera) Just another pleasant souvenir of Prom.

Mack:

So where's Tom?

Jane:

(Glares at Lyman, who cringes) He's meeting us there. Apparently, there was some unpleasantness.

Jodie:

(Eager to change the subject) Uh, guys? Tell me that's not a coffin in the back.

Daria:

(Looks at Lyman) I thought the guy said he'd take that out.

Lyman:

Maybe he meant he'd take it out. (beat) You know, the body.

Jane:

Well, we'll check when we get there. Speaking of there where is the prom, anyhow?

Jodie:

It's aboard the Princess Fairy.

Daria:

The Princess Fairy? I thought it sank.¹³

Lyman:

Iceburg?

Daria:

Garbage barge.

Jodie:

Ms. Li tried to sue the owner, but instead of money she got the boat. So she had it towed into dock, and propped up. The football team has been restoring it. Ah, there it is.

A montage Sequence showcases the all-new Princess Fairy. Love Boat Theme butchered by Crazy Nutso plays in the background.

• Close-up of the smokestack, suddenly it goes off, which signals the music to begin.
  
  
• The staff of Lawndale High dressed in uniforms.
  
  
• Diane Small behind a "bar", doing her best "Isaac Washington" impression.
  
  
• Upchuck and some female we don't know in uniforms at the gangplank.
  
  
• All the "crew" of the Princess Fairy, as well as the professional photographers, waiting for people to arrive.
  
  
• A Limo pulls up, and the first of the prom-goers arrives.

We see Kara Mild and her handsome date, Chad Page stepping up the gangplank, onto the Princess Fairy. As they reach the actual boat, Upchuck, with the same girl we some him with in the montage, stands in front of them with a microphone.

Upchuck:

(into microphone) Announcing the arrival of the very feisty and Wild, Kara Mild! Escorting the lovely Kara is Chad Page.

Kara and Chad simply walk by Charles without comment. Suddenly, we see a horse and buggy, driven by Daniel and David,¹⁴ pull up. Nora and Ted get out and walk up. We see David, dressed up in his best amish finery, get out of the buggy, then the buggy leaves. Then we see the hearse backing up. A crowd of gawkers gather as Daria, Jane, Lyman, Jodie and Mack get out. Daria opens the back door. David approaches, and they slowly pull the casket out. They set it on the ground, then open it. We see the crowd gathered around gasp collectively as Andrea, in full 'goth' regalia steps out of the casket. David takes her arm, and they head up the gangplank. Daria and Lyman shove the now empty casket back into the back, and shut the door. Arnie, dressed in a valet uniform, approaches, and takes the keys from Lyman, then drives off. Jodie and Mack head onto the Princess Fairy, closely followed by Daria and Lyman. Jane waits at the foot of the gangplank. Then Tom pulls up in his Pinto.

Tom:

(To Arnie, as he hands him the keys) Be careful with her. I just had her detailed. (To Jane) Ready?

Jane:

Ready as I'll ever be. You OK?

Tom:

I don't know. I just don't know.

Camera pans to Daria and Lyman, who have reached the greeting place.

Upchuck:

Ah, the lovely Daria. In mourning? Perhaps because I am no longer available?

Daria:

Upchuck, you have a date?

Upchuck:

May I present the future bride of Charles, (gestures to the girl next to him) Pandora.¹⁵

Pandora:

(Takes Daria's hand and shakes it) Charmed. But please do not refer to my Charles by that offensive nickname.

Daria:

Oh, well, ok then. Moving right along...

Another Montage! This one of people dancing, drinking punch, etc. Stayin' Alive as performed by Ozzy Osborne with Dweezil Zappa, plays in the background.

• Lyman executing a series of complex dance moves in the middle of the floor. Pulsing lights are all around. Daria stands off the the side with a bored expression on her face.
  
  
• Steven Galloway beating the crap out of all three 'J's, as Quinn looks on.
  
  
• Diane Small serving punch to various students.
  
  
• Upchuck and Pandora 'sucking face'. (EWW!) Ms. Barch moves in and breaks it up.
  
  
• Tom and Jane slow dancing. Jane whispers something to Tom, who looks nervous.
  
  
• Much later, it's dark, and everyone is leaving.

We see all the gang getting into cars and leaving.

Darkness. Then we hear a phone ringing sound, and we see a glowing heart. We hear some mumbling, then a light comes on, and we see Diane Small. She is wearing a modest pink nightgown (So get your minds out of the gutter, Male-scum!</barch>) She reaches over to the glowing heart, which is her phone, and picks up.

Diane:

(Sleepily) H'Lo?

Crazy:

(Sounds drunk) DI! You'll never guess where we are!

CB:

(Also sounds drunk) Hey Smoochy!

Diane:

(Wakes up a bit) CB? Crazy? What are you guys up to?

Crazy:

(Drunk ) We're in Atlantic City! We were gonna get hitched, but they told us we had to sober up a bit first. It's a three hour drive from Lawndale. So if you hurry, you can be a bridesmaid!

CB:

Yeah, C'Mon Smoochy!

Crazy:

If you hurry, we'll see ya in a little bit. It's Joe's Quickie-Wed right off the main drag. You can't miss it. Bye.

Diane:

(we hear the 'click' of Crazy Hanging up) CB? Crazy? Guys! Oh my Goddess what have I done? I've got to stop this! I have to come clean! (She starts to rummage around, trying to prepare for a trip.)

Fade out. Fade back in to an exterior shot of Crazy Bob's World O' Comics. We see a light on in the second floor. Pan in to reveal a small apartment above the comic shop. In it, we see Crazy hanging up the phone. CB is also present.

CB:

Oh come on now. You don't really think she's going to go rushing off to Atlantic City, do you?

Crazy:

Wait for it. (He gestures out the window. A few minutes go by, then we see Diane's white convertible go zipping by.) See? Told you. You did rig her radar detector, didn't you?

CB:

Yep. It'll go off at random, unless it detects something. Then it won't go off at all.

Crazy:

Heh. I wonder how many tickets she'll rack up? In any case, when she gets there, she'll see we're not there, so she'll try her cellular. When she learns that it's not working, she get on a pay phone. I'll leave a bunch of messages on her machine, then she'll call here. All we have to do is wait.

CB:

Wait here? Ugh. I can't believe I'm in your bedroom. Talk about where no girl has gone before.

Crazy:

Now, now. Remember the truce. It won't be so bad. Let's just watch a movie, or read or something.

CB:

Hmm... You have every Godzilla movie ever made, don't you? Let's see (looking through his videos) Crap. Crap. Crap. Real crap. Crap. Crap...

Crazy:

Wow. You could be a movie critic.

CB:

Shut up. Crap... HEY! It's Monty Python and the Holy Grail! Maybe there's hope for you yet.

Crazy:

I'm so glad.

Crazy and CB settle in to watch the video. Fade out.

We see a gigantic pair of clogs. The camera pans to a sign that says The Dutchman Inn. We see several familiar vehicles in the parking lot, including Tom's Pinto, The Hearse, Kevin's Jeep and Upchuck's 'lovewagon'. Pan inside one of the windows, we see Lyman and Daria, sitting on a bed, watching (you guessed it) Sick, Sad World.

Announcer:

He's from the wrong side of the track... (TV shows a typical 'hooligan' looking kid in leather) and she's from the wrong side of the galaxy. (TV shows a female alien creature, she's green, and has tentacles. She goes to the guy and they begin to kiss) Literally star-crossed lovers.... on the next SICK SAD WORLD!

Daria clicks the TV off.

Daria:

Well, we are now doing the number one stupid thing kids do after prom. Spending prom night in a hotel.

Lyman:

Don't blame me. Jane's the one who insisted we come here, so she could get the 'group discount'. However, just to complete the illusion, here's the bottle of cheap wine the hotel gave us. (He hands a large jug of wine to Daria) Should I be worried about staying in a hotel that gives away wine as part of the room package?

Suddenly, there is a loud knock at the door.

Daria:

(typical 'no emotion' voice) Oh no. It's my parents. I'll stall them, you go out the window.

Lyman:

We're on the 15^th floor.

Daria:

Happy landings. (The knocking starts again. Daria looks out the eyehole, and we see a distressed looking Jane outside. Daria quickly opens the door and lets Jane in) Jane? What's wrong?

Jane:

Daria, you've got to help me find Tom. We were drinking some champaign, and ... ah.. well.. anyhow, all of the sudden, he just stormed out. We've got to find him. He's too drunk to be driving!

Lyman:

He's not going anywhere without these (Lyman holds up some spark plugs) I'll go talk to him. (Lyman leaves)

Daria:

Are you alright?

Jane:

I don't know. I thought Tom was the one, you know? I thought this night was going to be so special, but then he... What's wrong with me?

Daria:

It's not you Jane. It's Tom. There's something you don't know about him....

Fade out.

Crazy's apartment. They are still watching a movie, when the phone rings. Crazy gestures for CB to answer. CB picks the phone up. Split screen showing her on one side and Diane on the other. Diane looks mused, tired and rumpled from her long drive. She is on a pay phone.

CB:

Smoochy! What the hell is wrong with your cell phone? We've been trying to contact you for hours.

Diane:

The battery went dead or something. Look, I'm here at the Quick-Wed, where are you guys?

CB:

Well, duh Smoochy. You called here. You brother decided to have the wedding in your house instead of there. He's out making the arrangements now. If you hurry, you can help us set things up.

Diane:

Wait, CB there's something I've got to tell you...

CB:

(Cuts her off) You can tell me when you get here. Later. (She hangs up. Screen fills to just show Diane)

Diane looks at the phone and dismayed.

Diane:

But I have to tell you the truth before you wed! (Diane sighs, then leaps into her car and peels away)

Fade out.

We see Tom in his car. He looks frustrated at the car's failure to start. Then Lyman gets in the passenger side.

Lyman:

Car trouble?

Tom:

Life problems.

Lyman:

I remembered where I saw you before. You were Jerome's boyfriend.

Tom:

No, we were just... friends. But I was at Oilcan Harry's Bar the night it was fire-bombed. The night he...

Lyman:

I'm sorry. I remember seeing you at his funeral. It must have been quite a blow for you.

Tom:

Look. Jerome and I were just friends. I'm not gay.

Lyman:

Ok. You're not.

Tom:

That's right.

Lyman:

Fine

Tom:

Good.

Suddenly, Tom and Lyman are kissing. It lasts a moment, then they break apart.

Tom:

DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!

Lyman:

Yeah, I liked it too.

Tom:

ARGH!

Tom gets out of the car and storms off. Lyman sighs, then gets out of the car, opens the hood, and starts putting the spark plugs back in, so he can go after Tom. Fade Out.

Jane and Daria, back in the hotel room. Love Hurts by Nazareth plays in the background. Daria and Jane are both sitting on the bed. The jug of wine, now half-empty, (or half full, whatever) is in Jane's hand. She drinks a bit from it, then passes it to Daria, who takes a much smaller swig.

Jane:

My Boyfriend is GAY?

Daria:

He might be gay. Lyman says that he's seen Tom at a gay bar, with a guy. But it could be a mistake.

Jane:

Wait a minute, what was Lyman doing in a gay bar?

Daria:

Lyman is gay.

Jane:

What? But you guys have been dating!

Daria:

(Sighs) No, we haven't. We've just been hanging out. You see, Lyman's mom is a bit of a ... how can I put this politely? Psycho-hose beast. Needless to say, she doesn't approve of his "Lifestyle". On the other hand, now that you're always out with Tom, Helen's been in her 'You need a boyfriend' mode. Plus Lyman is real easy to talk to. So that day in the Pizza King, we just got to talking, and we decided to help each other out. But we both knew it was a charade from the beginning. (Daria takes another swig from the wine jug, which is now nearly empty, then passes it back to Jane)

Jane:

Dammit! (Finishes off the jug of wine, tosses it into the trash) This just brings up that whole thing again.

Daria:

What thing?

Jane:

The gay thing. Last year I went to that art camp. Like a fool, I thought I'd fit in. I mean, we were all into art, right? Instead, I was just as much of an outcast there as I am here. Then Allison came along. She seemed cool, and we hung out. Then she took me to dinner. She kept pushing wine on me. Then we got back to her place, and she put the moves on me! I told her I was straight, and she gave me this big 'I don't hit on straight chicks' speech. I got out, but the whole thing confused the hell out of me. The next day she's going after the instructor, 'just looking for some fun' she says! I was just another conquest for her!

Daria:

Sounds like the female version of Upchuck.

Jane:

Yeah, I guess. But seeing here really got me thinking again. I mean, Tom is basically a male you, Daria? I mean, maybe I'm really attracted to you, but I'm just afraid to admit it to myself. What do you think? Do you think I'm gay?

Daria:

There's only one way to find out.

Daria walks up to Jane and plants a big SMOOCH on her. Jane is silent for a moment, then:

Jane:

Well it does prove one thing...

Daria:

What's that?

Jane:

You are one lousy kisser.

Daria:

I just need more practice. C'mere!

Jane:

Get away from me, drunk gal!

Both inebriated girls collapse onto the bed.

Daria:

Is it just me, or is the room spinning?

Jane:

Which way? Mine's goin' clockwise...

Daria:

Mine's going counter... I guess between the two of us, there's a sober person.

Jane:

I'm going to pass out now. You're not going to take advantage of me whilst I sleep, are you?

Daria:

(Snoring sounds)

Jane:

Guess not.

Jane reaches over and clicks the lights off. Fade out, Bumper (one of the funky season 4 moving bumpers, even!) shows the camera pan of Charles/Pandora smooching, Tom/Lyman smooching, Jane/Daria Smooching.

Hot Wheels presents: The Lawndale collection! All your favorite animated character's cars are here! Kevin's Jeep! Daria's Nova! Jane's Gremlin! Andrea's Firebird! Trent's Plymouth! Helen's SUV! Jake's LEXUS! The '3 convertible set' featuring the convertibles of Aunt Amy, Diane Small, and Sandi Griffin (wonder what ELSE those 3 have in common?) also, if the licensing ever comes through, Lynn Cullen's Merc! (Lynn Cullen, her Merc and all other related things are © CANADIBRIT and have foolishly been used without her permission. I am SO dead)

We see Crazy Nutso sitting behind a desk.

CN:

Greetings. I have recently received a letter from the law firm of VITALE, DAVIS, HOROWITZ, RIORDAN, SHRECTER, SCHRECTER, AND SCHRECTER. This letter is a thinly veiled THREAT from certain other fanficters, claiming that my use of them as thinly veiled, so-called 'Mary Sue' characters will result in Lawsuits unless I come through with some advertising for their fanfics. Naturally, I will not submit to these demands. I would NEVER demean my fanfics by placing ads for the upcoming action/adventure/comedy fanfic from Canadibrit & Ben Yee titled 'Tour of Duty'. Nor would I sell out by advertising the soon to be released, and oh boy the anticipation is killing me, fanfics from Kara Wild and Diane Long. Nutso productions are ABOVE that sort of thing. Thank you, and good day!

Daria and Jane, in Jane's room. I Will Survive as covered by Cake plays in the background.

Daria:

Well, at least now we can go on those double dates we've always been talking about.

Jane:

That would be creepy. (Sighs) Well, I guess it's back to walking alone.

Daria:

You could always go back to hanging out with your friends. It's not like we'd mine. Plus Andrea's big mouth has gotten us into a 'Rock Challenge'. Which will require tons of practice if we want to win.

Jane:

Yeah, I guess.

Daria:

Or, you could always look up 'Bobby Bighead'.

Jane:

Shut up, Daria.

Daria:

Evan is still free.

Jane:

Shut up, Daria.

Daria:

Hmm... Danny's going out with Rachel, but I think Jesse's still free.

Jane:

Shut up, Daria.

Daria:

The Yenta's on the other foot now, isn't it?

Jane:

Hey, that's right. You don't have a boyfriend any more. That means I can resume my yenta ways and try to fix you up with Trent.

Trent:

(Walks in at this point) What's that?

Jane:

Well, Daria here has....

Daria:

(cutting Jane off) We were just talking about the big Rock Challenge at this years Alternapalooza. Is Mystik Spiral entering?

Trent:

Nah, we're shut down for a while. Nick's got a job in a warehouse. Got a kid to support an all. So we're just gonna see what happens. So your band is entering?

Daria:

Yeah. Andrea wants to beat The Harpies.

Trent:

Well, good luck with that. (he leaves)

Jane:

You're no fun at all anymore Daria. You don't blush or get tongue-tied around Trent at all.

Daria:

Yeah.

Jane:

You were still checking out his ass though.

Daria:

I will kill you. And burry you in my sister's prom dress.

Jane:

Well, at least you know where to get the hearse and coffin.

Daria:

The mourning dress, too. On that note, I'll see ya later.

Jane:

Later.

Daria exits, fade out.

We see Tom's Pinto. The windows are steamed up. Pan inside, to show Lyman, in the drivers seat, talking to Tom.

Tom:

Thanks for talking to me like this. It has really helped.

Lyman:

Yeah. But what do we do now?

Tom:

Good question. My parents might not object, but Lawndale isn't exactly the most open-minded place in the world.

Lyman:

Yeah. Then there's my mom, who definitely would object. Still, I have to tell Jane that I kissed her boyfriend.

Tom:

She'll understand. (Beat) Does Daria know?

Lyman:

Yes. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that she's already told Jane.

Tom:

Well, Jane has been trying to get us to double date together.

Lyman:

That's just to weird. Ok, I think it's time for some breakfast. Or lunch, whatever. (Lyman turns the key in the ignition. Immediatly, the car begins to rattle and shake) Well, that doesn't sound good.

Tom:

Don't panic. Just carefully turn it off again.

Lyman:

(Turns the key off. The car continues to shake, and it gets louder) Can I panic now?

Tom:

Yes. In fact, you may want to RUN AWAY!.

Lyman:

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Lyman and Tom burst out of the car and run for their lives. The Pinto explodes spectacularly, and a huge fireball puffs into the sky.

Exterior of Diane Small's house. It is a small house, with a pink mailbox. Suddenly, Diane's car pulls up. She gets out slowly and staggers to the front door. She looks extremely unkempt and tired. She gets in, and sees Crazy and CB sitting at her kitchen table, reading.

Diane:

Guys? You aren't married yet, are you? Look, I have to confess. That stuff I told you about you liking each other and you wanting to ask each other out, well, I just made that stuff up! I just thought if I gave you guys a little push, you'd be so good together. I just wanted you two to be happy, but I didn't think you'd rush out and try to get married so quickly!

Crazy:

Are you satisfied?

CB:

Not yet, but I will be soon.

Diane:

What are you talking about?

Crazy:

Poor, poor gullible big sister Diane. We never believed your little ruse. Furthermore, we never really dated either. It was all an elaborate plot to get revenge on you for your attempted shipping.

Diane:

You mean you sent me on that hellish drive in the wee hours of the morning just for some petty revenge?

CB:

Actually, there's more.

Trent:

(Enters from the other room) Hey Diane.

Diane:

EEP! (She runs to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her)

Trent:

Whoa! Your sister moves fast.

Crazy and CB look at each other.

CB:

Don't look at me, I'm not touching that one.

Crazy:

Yeah. Too easy. Trent why don't you wait in the living room for Diane? She'll be out in a bit.

Trent:

Cool. (He goes back into the other room)

CB:

You know, we actually did make a pretty good team.

Crazy:

Yeah. Say you don't think....

For a moment, Crazy and CB look deeply into each other's eyes. Then...

Both:

NAH!

At that moment, Diane re-emerges from the bedroom. She now looks immaculate, and is 'dressed to kill' as they say.

Diane:

What am I going to do with you two? Fix me a Cosmo, CB?

CB:

Sure, no problem.

Crazy:

So are you going to give up your Yenta ways?

Diane:

What do you think?

CB:

Well, here's your Cosmo. Maybe if you pour it over Trent's head, he'll wake up.

Diane:

Thank you. Why don't you guys go out? You're just so darling together! (Diane slips out before they can dispute her)

Crazy:

So what did you put in that Cosmo?

CB:

What makes you think I put something in it?

Crazy:

I know you.

From the next room, we hear the distinctive sound of Diane vomiting. There is a pause, then:

Trent:

You owe me a shirt.

Diane:

CB!

Fade out. End credits begin, as U stink but I © U by DeathTongue plays over the end credits.

1. Refers to Welcome Back Daria where Jake learned he may have a half-sister in Korea, whom he intends on paying a visit on. back
   
   
2. Rachel Landon has been 'sneakin' around' with Danny Moreno as of Don't Mess With My Tutor. back
   
   
3. Jane discovered the Gremlin buried in the garage in Don't Mess With My Tutor. Ain't continuity grand? back
   
   
4. This is part of my lame effort to align my Daria reality with that of the TV show. However, on the show, it is pretty clear that Quinn and Sandi are in the same grade, but in my reality, Sandi's in Daria's grade. Confused? Get used to it. back
   
   
5. Let me quickly apologize for that. It was put in purely for humorous effect, and not just to make CB feel ill. Honest! back
   
   
6. That happened WAY back in the classic fanfic Excess. back
   
   
7. We met Cheryl back in Welcome Back, Daria. back
   
   
8. Yes, it's THAT Allison, from Is It Fall Yet?. More of my attempt to re-align realities. back
   
   
9. Not entirely true. Anti-Teen first appeared in Never Mind The Bollocks Here´s Anti-Teen! so I suppose you could say they toured with the Spiral... back
   
   
10. We learned Tom's last name in Is It Fall Yet? and who am I to change such things? back
    
    
11. It's an inside joke. A really lame inside joke. Let's leave it at that, shall we? back
    
    
12. Steven Galloway, author of extremely long fanfics, operates under the delusion that he owns some sort of copyright on the term 'Thank You' or 'Thanks'. Dream on, Revelations-boy! back
    
    
13. From everyone's favorite Season 3 episode, Just Add Water. back
    
    
14. We met Jane's Amish cousins in Don't Mess With My Tutor. back
    
    
15. Pandora, or 'Bride of Upchuck', was supposedly a real person who was lusting after Charles. However, it turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by Larissa and Bridget Simpson, and Robin. I have obtained their permission to use this character.back

Soundtrack available! Click here!

Well, now you know what Daria would be like if it REALLY went Melrose. Plus I've taken another giant step away from 'Canon'. Hope you've enjoyed this travesty! My apologies go out to Kara Wild, Diane Long, Canadibrit (please don't kill me) and, of course, Robbie. Poor, Poor Robbie.

- Crazy Nutso