JUST
This plot is recycled.
These characters are recycled. Enjoy
EST. SHOT of
CUT TO:
Jane
and Daria walking the halls on Lawndale High, discussing the possibility of
early senility
JANE
All I'm saying is that you
could be one of those crazy cat ladies
DARIA
No, cats are inherently evil
in my view. Anything that throws up in your boots is evil.
JANE
So if you got drunk one night
and threw up in your own boots, what would that make you?
DARIA
That would make me your
deluded fantasy where I marry
Jane
turns to Daria after a pause
JANE
(Pointedly)
You've been reading my journal
again, haven't you?
DARIA
Yes, and by the way, I don't
think that writing 'Mrs Jane Costello' over and over again can be considered
sane. Besides, what would happen if Elvis Costello and Trent met?
JANE
My guess is a new breed of
quiet hipster thrash metal
DARIA
A 'new' breed?
JANE
Fine. Back to our original
point, what if you just got a snake?
DARIA
Just the one?
JANE
You'd start out with one, but
then gather more. You'd call them your babies. Then you could sit on your front
porch in a rocking chair, with a snake coiled around a shotgun. In time the
neighbourhood kids will dare each other to touch your fence.
(Long
pause)
DARIA
Is it wrong that I can
actually visualise that?
Daria
and Jane pass the girls bathrooms, where Quinn runs out panicked and covering
her eyes.
Quinn
runs past Daria and Jane
JANE
Uh-Oh, I think somebody mixed
shimmer with sheen.
DARIA
No, I know that look. It
definitely means she's seen something grotesque.
JANE
As I said, somebody made a
fashion faux-pas
JANE
Ah, I think we just found the
source of our heroine's disgust.
Kevin
pokes head out of girl's bathroom in looks in direction of departing
KEVIN
Wait! Babe!
DARIA
I think we just found the
source of everyone's disgust
Kevin
regards Jane and Daria
KEVIN
Uhh...Like, do any of you two
know Quinn Morgandorffer?
JANE
To know her is to loathe her
DARIA
Even though we share the same
last name, house and parents, I can safely say that I do not know Quinn Morgandorffer...
KEVIN
Uhh...cool. Because...whatever she
tell you is a dirty lie
JANE
Dirty lies spring from dirty
things
Daria
looks coldly at Jane
JANE
I know. Even I'm surprised I
went there
CUT TO:
INT. MORGANDORFFER KITCHEN. DAY
Helen
is on the phone when Quinn bursts into the house and runs upstairs
HELEN
Oh My. Eric, I'll have to call
you back...no I don't know when... (Agitated)...No
I can't give you an estimate!
Helen
hangs up phone and departs for Quinn's room
CUT TO:
INT. QUINN'S ROOM. DAY
Quinn
is frantically re-arranging her wardrobe when Helen knocks and enters
HELEN
What are doing sweetie?
Quinn
is startled by the knock
QUINN
Going through my wardrobe
because it helps me relax and sometimes I just need to relax because there's
only so much one freakin' girl can see without wanting to go a little crazy!
Helen
is taken aback by Quinn's outburst
HELEN
Can you tell me why you're
home so early?
QUINN
Why are you home so early huh?
HELEN
(Nervously)
Well,
me and your father take an hour off work once a week, to, uhh, do mommy and
daddy things.
(Quinn
begins to look apprehensive)
QUINN
What kind of mommy and daddy
things?
The
sound of a car pulling up the residence, followed by the opening of the front
door is heard
JAKE
From
downstairs
Choo-Choo! I'm home! Warm up
the fudge!
HELEN
(Panicked)
We...uh...eat
Ice-cream, with lots of fudge.
Footsteps
on the stairs are heard, followed by Jake popping his head into Quinn's room
JAKE
Choo-Choo, there you are!
We've only got a couple of hours before the kids (noticing Quinn) Hi-ya kiddo! What are you doing back so early from
school?
QUINN
I don't want to talk about it
HELEN
Why not? You know that we love
you and that we're here for you honey
QUINN
I don't think that I can say
it
HELEN
What if you whispered it to
me?
QUINN
I...guess I can do that
Quinn
whispers in Helen's ear, and Helen is horrified with what she is hearing
HELEN
They did what!? Where!?
CUT TO
INT. MS LI'S OFFICE. MORNING
Ms Li
is on the phone while members of the faculty are gathered in her office
MS LI
Yes, naturally I understand
your concern, and I can assure you that action will be taken on the matter at
hand...Yes, I do believe it is a most vile situation...Whereas I do regret the
situation, I can not compensate before the matter is fully investigated...okay
then, good day.
Ms Li
hangs up the phone
MS LI
Okay, we've got to take charge
of this situation before it gets worse. This is the type of shenanigan that has
'lawsuit' written all over it. Okay people, brainstorm.
MR DEMARTINO
Why don't we just suspend the
two idiots?
MS LI
Out of the question Mr
Demartino! We have the big game with Oakwood coming up this weekend!
MS DEFOE
Well we've got to do
something! I hate having my class interrupted while Kevin completes a 'high
five' lap of the class.
MS BARCH
If I had my way, we'd castrate
him. It's always the filthy man's fault. One minute he's sweet, holding your
hand in the bowling alley, and taking you for long walks along a moonlit beach,
the next minute he's asking where breakfast is. (Ms Barch begins to shake angrily) Before you know it, you've given
the best years of your life to a man who you hope can recapture some of the old
magic, but no, he leaves you with no money and a stack of dishes waiting to be
washed!
MS LI
Ms Barch, please get a hold of
your self! We're trying to find a solution that would make all the lawsuits
disappear, not multiply. What we need is a solution that is cost-effective, but
shows that we care about the parents concerns.
MR O'NEILL
What if we were to set-up one
on one counselling sessions for those who were affected by...the incident?
Somebody has to see that these young and fragile minds are not scarred forever
against the idea of love, as well as its more physical manifestations.
MS LI
Mr O'Neill! What we need is
not to heal them, what we need is to avoid lawsuits! We need to make sure that
this never happens again! We need to show the little monsters the consequences
of such lewd conduct! We need to show the parents that we are in control, and
repeat performances will not happen again! At least not in the hallowed halls
of Lawndale High
MS DEFOE
(Quietly)
Excuse
me Angela, don't we already do Sex Ed?
MS LI
Well, we may do it, but
apparently showing them pictures of various STD's hasn't slowed them down
MR O'NEILL
Well what could be worse than
an STD?
CUT TO
INT. DAY. SCIENCE CLASSROOM-LAWNDALE HIGH
Ms
Barch stands at the front of the classroom, behind her, the classroom reads
'Unplanned Pregnancy Week' in bold capital letters. Daria and Jane sit in
class, with Daria with her head on the bench
DARIA
I'd lift my head, but I'm
afraid the stupidity would get to me
JANE
There there, Daria. You're
going to have to get used to the stupidity if you want to be a functioning
adult
DARIA
Can't I just be an emotionally
unbalanced adult like everybody else?
Ms
Barch begins to speak
MS BARCH
Now, as part of 'Unplanned
Pregnancy Week' you're going to experience life as a teenage mother or father
DARIA
Can't I just give you all my
money and call it even?
MS BARCH
You're going to be taking home
a baby doll that is designed to be as realistic as possible. You'll be feeding,
changing and trying not to kill them.
JANE
What about selling them on the
Thai black market?
MS BARCH
They are implanted with
security devices that send data back to our computer, which means that if you
neglect them, we'll know about it, and for this week, they can't be turned off.
DARIA
What if it's an emergency?
MS BARCH
What sort of emergency?
DARIA
What if, because of their
constant crying, you lose the will to live? It would be best to turn them off,
lest we have a teenage suicide prevention week.
MS BARCH
I like the way you think, but
no, you can't turn them off. Who knows, maybe this little experiment will make
some of you think twice before letting a man debase you.
JANE
Better than a Kangaroo
molesting you
MS BARCH
Now, I'm going to have to pair
you up. Kevin and Brittany.
Kevin
and Brittany walk up to the front of the class
DARIA
I seriously doubt the system
that would let DD and QB go home with a baby, no matter how fake it is
JANE
What are you talking about?
The fake-ness of the child perfectly reflects their personality
DARIA
Yeah, but no baby should be
able to outwit their parents
MS BARCH
Now, since it was you two that
started this whole mess, I'm increasing the crying frequency on yours.
KEVIN
Aww Man!
MS BARCH
Quiet you man!
We were just showing our
passion for each other, is that such a crime?
DARIA
It is if you're Mark David
Chapman
MS BARCH
It's enough to force me to
come in early to work to set up this whole thing, so you will take your doll
and you will love it. Next, Daria and Jane
Daria
and Jane look at each other quizzically before moving to the front of the class
Ms
Barch hands Daria and Jane a doll
MS BARCH
You two drew the short straw
JANE
Well, this is certainly going
to fuel those rumours about us
DARIA
The homicidal maniac rumours
or the gay rumours?
JANE
I'd like to think both
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY. DAY
Daria
and Jane are walking down hall, awkwardly holding baby and 'caring parent' pack
DARIA
Don't worry, I'll download
some software off the internet so we don't have to take care of the thing
JANE
And I'll take care of it in
the meantime, because I'm good with kids
DARIA
Because deep down, you're just
a big kid inside, aren't you?
JANE
You've really got to stop
reading my journal
DARIA
No, you've got to start
locking it. There's a difference
The
baby starts to cry
DARIA
Hmm
JANE
What?
DARIA
You know, if you close your
eyes and imagine, it kinda sounds like a Mystik Spiral song
JANE
Actually, I think a baby
crying was the backing track for 'Confessing my Adult Angst'
DARIA
You say that about all Mystik
Spiral songs
JANE
I know, sick isn't it?
DARIA
You, or the fact that all the
backing tracks are crying babies?
JANE
Both
Daria
and Jane depart for Girl's Bathroom
CUT TO:
INT. GIRLS BATHROOM. DAY
Jane
puts baby in basin as Daria rifles through pack
DARIA
Okay wonder mom, what do we
need to shut this thing up?
JANE
You're such a caring person
DARIA
It's why I'm your friend
Jane
inspects baby
JANE
I think it may be hungry
Daria
picks up bottle from pack and puts it to baby's lips
DARIA
Yum, electronic pulses
The
baby stops crying
JANE
Look who has the golden touch
DARIA
What do think is worth more? A
baby on the black market or a solid gold baby?
JANE
You'd just paint it gold, and
then split as soon as the buyer pays up. What should we call it?
DARIA
Oh no, no names. It makes it
that much harder to take it to the animal shelter.
JANE
How about we call it Monique
and you can just neglect it as some sort of subconscious revenge fantasy?
Daria
looks at Jane coolly
DARIA
How about I bust this baby
open and get the electrical parts and apply electro-shock therapy?
Jodie
enters holding baby
Daria
and Jane stare at Jodie's baby
JODIE
(Annoyed)
Yes,
it's an interracial baby
JANE
Wow, you don't sound too
pleased to be the overworked, overachieving person that you are.
JODIE
(Exasperated)
It's
just in between all my activities, keeping a job, a boyfriend and now this, I
don't know whether to care for this baby, or choke it.
DARIA
We were just having the same
dilemma ourselves. Unfortunately, baby choking is still frowned upon in the
same vein as eating veal or human flesh.
JANE
Wouldn't Mack help you out?
Seems like the sort of thing a young father should do...
JODIE
Yeah, well, we have that big
game against Oakwood coming up, and the coach has called for double practices.
DARIA
You mean that
JANE
It's like leaving Roger Rabbit
in charge of the IRS
JODIE
Well, there's nothing Mack can
do about this. He can't go and quit the team, and he sure as hell doesn't want
to be doing double practices.
CUT TO:
INT. PIZZA KING. DAY
The
football team sit in booth eating Pizza and laughing
The
coach proposes a toast
COACH
To double practices!
MACK
I still feel this is wrong
KEVIN
What's wrong Mack Daddy? Not a
team player?
MACK
(Angrily)
I'm
the goddamn captain, of course I'm a team player! I just feel wrong leaving
Jodie to care for the baby is all!
KEVIN
Just chill Mack Daddy
MACK
I told you not to call me
that!
The
coach interrupts
COACH
Listen Mack, if we're going to
win against Oakwood, I can't have half my team taking care of babies!
MACK
But
Coach
interrupts
COACH
You're the captain of this
team, and as captain, certain sacrifices are needed. I expect you to lead the
team on and off the field Mack, or is being captain too much for you?
Mack
begins to respond, but looks at all the faces staring at him
Mack
sighs
MACK
Okay. I'll play along, but I
still object to this.
COACH
Now there's a captain for you!
Team
cheers and Mack slumps back in chair
CUT TO
EXT.
Daria
and Jane are walking along, with Jane holding the baby
DARIA
So where are we going to keep
the thing?
JANE
I figure my house, since I
have all the maternal skills apparently
DARIA
But there's a noise sensor on
it
JANE
So?
DARIA
I don't think Mystik Spiral
practices can be considered pleasant noise, despite the 2 people on the
Spiral's mailing list.
JANE
And they're deaf so good
point. Can't be your house though...
DARIA
Why not?
JANE
Because Quinn will try to give
the baby a makeover when your back is turned
DARIA
She's been so distracted by
what she saw that I don't think she's in the proper state of mind to give
makeovers.
JANE
I didn't think makeovers
required a state of mind
DARIA
You'd be surprised. She has to
analyse the state of the victim, and then see if they have any weaknesses. Much
like a hunting cat.
JANE
A hunting cat with a curling
iron? Hmm...that gives me an idea.
DARIA
We've discussed this, you
can't train a puma to run a beauty salon. It can't do the math required to keep
the accounts.
JANE
Damn you and your
practicalities! Besides, that's where the monkey comes in
DARIA
Assuming the puma doesn't eat
the monkey
JANE
I see your point. We're
keeping the little one in your house then?
DARIA
It's where the software is
after all.
CUT TO:
INT. MORGANDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING
Daria
walks in holding baby awkwardly. Upon seeing Daria, Helen looks horrified
HELEN
What are they teaching you
kids at that school!?
DARIA
Relax, this is a mechanical
baby. In so many ways, those organic meat bag babies are inferior
Helen
looks relieved
HELEN
Oh thank heavens!
DARIA
I'm more concerned by the fact
that you would've been surprised by this child, if it were alive
HELEN
What do you mean Daria?
DARIA
Well, in order to have a
child, one generally has to be pregnant first. That's something that you
notice, like the Northern Lights, or Quinn using a word that contains five
syllables.
HELEN
Oh, right
DARIA
Unless you have a spare 50
grand lying about. If you do, I hear that
Helen
Looks at Daria coolly
HELEN
Oh Daria
Helen
departs and Daria walks upstairs
CAMERA PAN TO:
Quinn
lies on the couch in deep thought, an oxymoron to be sure
The
phone rings and Quinn answers
QUINN
Hello?
JAMIE
Hey Quinn
Quinn
bites lip
QUINN
Uhh...hi Jerome
JAMIE
It's Jamie. Anyway, I've got
my dad's Gold Card so I was wondering if you wanted to go to Chez Pierre. I
know you like going there, and I...
Quinn
cuts off Jamie
QUINN
Gee Jarrod, I'd love to...but
I'm uhh....busy with...an all night blushathon.
JAMIE
It's Jamie...
Quinn
hangs up
Quinn
turns on the TV
TV
Sex Scandal Rocks
Quinn
turns off TV
CUT TO:
INT. DARIA'S ROOM. EVENING
Daria
puts baby on bed before heading toward computer
The
baby cries
DARIA
Wow, you're scary
Daria
walks back to baby, pauses to examine it, and changes it
The
baby stops crying
DARIA
Huh, I guess I'm getting good
at this thing
Daria
walks to computer and sits down before typing
The
computer connects to the internet
DARIA
Okay random mysterious
strangers on the internet, you haven't let me down before
Daria
looks at screen which reads INSTRUCTIONS FOR TURNING OFF BABY MODEL THX-1138
As
the page slowly starts to load, Daria's eyes widen
Smoke
starts to emit from the back of Daria's computer
DARIA
Hey, what's that...
The
computer frazzles
DARIA
I guess when trying to use
technology to circumvent technology you can't trust technology. Huh, I'm so
confused that I know what it feels like to be Kevin...
Jake
rushes into her room
JAKE
Daria!? Are you okay!?
DARIA
'Okay' is a relative term. I
could use a new computer though....lest I fall behind on my schoolwork and end up
going to
JAKE
Why would we need a new
computer? I can fix this, it'll be a great excuse to break out the toolset your
mother got me for Christmas!
DARIA
Okay, you get the tools, I'll
call the mortuary.
JAKE
Right!
Jake
rushes off
Daria
picks up cordless phone and dials