by Jill Friedman, the Leopard Lady
All characters copyright MTV, except Dan Bern and Cassie Berkman*
All Dan Bern lyrics copyright Dan Bern
*All Cassie Berkman lyrics copyright Jill Friedman
Note: this fic takes place about 5 weeks after "Virgin Sacrifice," and about a month after "Dye! Dye my Darling!" in the on-canon universe.
Summary: the jilted Lane siblings do everything in their power to get Daria back-even take Quinn with them to New York City!
Intro: Music: "Everyone's Your Friend(In New York City)"-They Might Be Giants
The intro is Red Dwarf style with a montage:
Scene: Jane running down to the basement excitedly
Scene: Quinn lugging suitcases into the Tank
Scene: Daria in a goth/punk outfit dancing in a movie theater
Scene: Jane standing in the Kandinsky room at the MoMA
Scene: Trent talking to a bald musician holding his guitar with a zebra-print guitar strap
Scene: A blonde short-haired chick singer with a blue guitar on stage
Scene: Daria and Tom kissing
Scene: Trent playing guitar in a hotel room
Scene: Daria driving the Tank at which point...
The Daria logo appears around her face, it moves up a bit and you see "Daria In: Chelsea Hotel"
Scene: EXT Casa Lane
BG: "Searching for Cheryl Sickels" by Cassie Berkman is playing on Jane's computer, via the RealAudio stream of WFUV from New York City. Jane is in a chatroom on IRC, #MoxyFruvous.
Scene: INT Jane's computer screen
***You have entered #MoxyFruvous***
Hi all...just got into Fruvous. Won a copy of Live Noise in a contest. (See my other fanfic, "Virgin Sacrifice")
Hey there, Jane.
That's right, Riff. You keep thinking that.
Oh, don't worry about Riff. Just /ignore him if you so desire. Where you from?
WFUV: (vo) Hey everyone, I'm Meg Griffin and this is City Folk. You were just listening to Cassie Berkman who is playing at the Bowery Ballroom next weekend. She is opening for someone, and if you can guess who from these hints, you'll get a fourpack of tickets and backstage passes. She is opening for the man who supposedly has big balls and wishes he was Tiger Woods.
o/`sometimes I wish I was Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods...o/`
Cut to: Jane's face as her eyes widen, she then types furiously
AL! Quick! Who sings that!
Uh...Dan Bern, why?
*JaneLane has quit Reason: (quit)
Cut to: INT Jane's room, she runs to the phone and makes the long-distance call to WFUV. To her shock, the phone rings, and more shockingly, is answered.
Person: Hi, you've called WFUV, how may I help you?
Jane: TIGER WOODS! I mean uh...DAN BERN!
Person: Well congratulations! You have just won a fourpack of tickets and backstage passes to see Dan Bern and Cassie Berkman at the Bowery Ballroom.
Cut to: INT the basement. Trent, by coincidence is presently butchering Tiger Woods. Jane comes running down.
Jane: I WON I WON I WON!
Trent: What did you win, Janey?
Jane: Tickets! Tickets to that guy's concert! In New York!
Trent: Uh, what guy?
Jane: The song you were just playing! Tiger Woods!
Trent: Oh! Cool! I didn't know you liked Dan Bern...
Jane: Well...uh...I don't. I don't even know him...I was just caught up in the chance to win, you know?
Trent: Yeah. How many tickets did you get?
Jane: 4. You, me, Daria, and uh....hm.
Jane: He doesn't strike me as the folk sort. Then, neither do you. Why the hell _are_ you listening to Dan Bern?
Trent: His voice. Dude sounds like Bob Dylan! I figure if I can enunciate like that, I'll be ok.
Jane: I see...
Trent: Why Daria? Have you two even seen each other since....uh...
Jane: Damn. You're right...reflex, I guess. So play me some Dan Bern so I know what we'll be seeing.
(Trent starts to play "Chelsea Hotel" on his acoustic.)
Trent: (singing) "I can still smell tobacco on my fingers/my breath reeks of pot and wine and sex/my eyes open up like they haven't in years/so I don't miss whatever happens next/you call me a thief, all right, I'm a thief/grab your summons and come and ring my bell/I'll be making love with my baby in the Chelsea Hotel..."
(Jane is impressed with Trent's guitar playing, and more that he's actually singing something his voice is suited to. It sounds beautiful.)
Trent: (still singing) "I told you to meet me at 8 o'clock/I told you I'd be drinking at the bar/I drove between Newark and LaGuardia/trying to return a rented car/we keep missing connections today/tomorrow would be just as well/I gotta go make love with my baby in the Chelsea Hotel..."
Jane: Hey, why don't we try and stay at the Chelsea Hotel for the concert?
Trent: (laugh/cough, he puts the acoustic down carefully) Good one, Janey. That's a good idea, though. You make the arrangements; I'll post the money.
Jane: Since when do _you_ have money?
Trent: (shrugging) I don't...I just wanted to see what that sounded like.
Jane: Lucky for you I have a money stash. (sighing) I think I will invite Daria. It'll be fun going to New York with her, and she has that Montana Cabin Fund at the _very_ least....
Cut to: INT Daria's room. She and Tom are talking. He's sitting on her chair, and she is on the bed.
Daria: Ok, favourite Vonnegut?
Tom: _Welcome to the Monkey House_.
Daria: No fair, that's an anthology. (Tom gives her a pleading look.) Oh all right...which story, then?
Tom: Um..._Who Am I This time?_.
Daria: Good choice. I like the chess game one...
Tom: You could probably stick Melody Powers in that.
Daria: (pondering) Hey, you're right... (she takes out a notebook and jots that idea down.)
(Phone rings. Daria picks it up.)
Jane: Yo, Daria. (Daria gets a weird look on her face.)
Daria: Oh...hey Jane. (Hearing Jane's name, Tom's face mirrors Daria's for weird content.)
Jane: So what's up? What've you been doing?
Daria: Oh uh...writing some, babysitting Quinn. Mom wants me to make sure she keeps her mall visits down to three times a week now that school's out. You?
Jane: Nothing much. Just some painting, surfing the 'net. I found IRC, and I've started hanging out in Moxy Fruvous chatrooms.
Daria: That band whose CD you won?
Jane: Yeah, actually...um...I wanted to ask you something.
Jane: I uh...I won tickets to a Dan Bern concert in New York City next weekend, do you want to come? It'll be you and me and Trent, and we're staying at the Chelsea Hotel. And you can't claim broke because I know about the Montana Cabin Fund. And I _know_ you've dipped into it before.
Daria: Um. Can I call you later?
Jane: Uh...sure. (getting serious) Tom's there, isn't he.
Daria: (meekly) Yeah.
Jane: Call me later. We'll discuss. Hasta.
(They both hang up.)
Tom: What was that about?
Daria: Jane won tickets to a concert in New York City and invited me. When I told her you were here, it got weird.
Tom: Ah. What concert?
Daria: Dan Bern. I hadn't heard of him, but she seemed excited.
Tom: Oh that guy...yeah, Trent told me about him.
Daria: Is he good?
Tom: He's pretty good. A lot like Bob Dylan, but with a 90s edge. You'd like him; he's very sarcastic.
Daria: (incredulous) Bob Dylan? _Trent?_
Tom: He said he thought his voice would work with it better.
Daria: I can see that.
Tom: So do you think you'll go?
Daria: It sounds like it will be interesting. It'll be fun, provided Jane and I don't kill each other.
Tom: Things still tough between you?
Daria: She and I haven't seen each other since the last time we talked. We needed our space. When you started coming around, I figured it would be best to keep away altogether.
Tom: Understandable. (looks at watch) Oh jeez, I gotta go. See you later?
Daria: Sure. Meet you at Pizza King?
Tom: (grinning) 7pm.
Daria: See you then. (Tom gets up and kisses Daria gently. He sits down and they kiss for another minute or so. Tom gets up to leave.)
Tom: (with a slow smile, from the doorway) See you.
Daria: (a little dazed) Bye...
Cut to: INT Pizza King, 6:45pm. Trent and Jane are sitting in a booth munching on slices. The door opens, and Jane looks up to see Daria walk in. Daria sees her, and goes pale. She recovers quickly and walks over.
Jane: Hey, Daria.
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Jane: So have you thought about New York City?
Daria: It sounds fun. I've never been, and it _would_ be more fun with you guys. (vo: Uh oh...it would be bad if Tom got here now. I'd better wait outside and head him off at the pass.) Anyway, I was just coming to look for Quinn, and she's not here, so I guess I'll be leaving...I'll call you and we'll discuss New York some more...
(In the middle of this excuse, Tom has walked in and sees Daria but not who she's talking with, so he goes over.)
Tom: Hey Daria (he puts his arm around her, then turns and looks at who she's talking to. Trent and Jane's eyebrows furrow at the same moment as they scowl indentically. Tom gingerly removes his arm from Daria.)
Daria: (vo: Of course _now_ he's on time.) (deadpan) Hi, Tom. Uh...wait for me outside, I'll be right there, ok?
Jane: No, why don't you two sit down? Join us? (in a weird voice) It would be ever-so-much fun...
(Daria and Tom look at each other warily and shrug. Daria sits next to Jane, and Tom sits next to Trent. Trent is obviously displeased by the situation, but there's little he can do about it. The four look at each other uncomfortably for about 15 seconds.)
Tom: Well uh...Pizza. What do you want, Daria?
Daria: Uh, just cheese, thanks.
Tom: Okay. (he gets up. Jane and Trent's eyes follow him with Death Looks)
Daria: Sorry about that...I tried to get out of here before--
Jane: (holding up her hand, palm out) Shut it, I know. So are we doing New York or what?
Daria: Yeah. I need to get out of here. So tell me about the concert, who's the guy?
Jane: Dan Bern. He's this--
Trent: (with a passionate look in his eyes) He's great, Daria. I think you'll like him. He's--
Daria: Dylanesque and very sarcastic. (mona lisa smirk)
Trent: How'd you know?
Daria: Tom told me you'd turned him on to Dan Bern.
Trent: (annoyed to be in any way connected with Tom, _especially_ involving Daria) Uh...right.
Daria: Well, I'm definitely in. Helen'll be so happy I'm going on a trip. She's afraid I'm going to take root.
Jane: You mean you haven't yet?
Daria: Almost, but not quite.
(Jane and Daria smirk at each other, both pleased that their comedic timing is still very much intact. Killing the mood, Tom returns with the pizza slices, and he starts to sit down. Thankfully, Daria decides a meal with all four of them together would be too torturous)
Daria: Hey Tom, let's go for a walk with the pizza.
(Jane and Trent look obviously relieved, as a meal with Tom would only piss them off.)
Daria: Jane, I'll call you later.
Jane: See ya.
Trent: Bye, Daria.
Daria: Bye, Trent.
(Tom and Daria exit, pizza in hand. Jane scowls at them.)
Jane: He must be stopped.
Trent: What did he do?
Jane: He....he....uh. (Jane struggles for a direct offense, but finds none. Once again, Trent has rendered her speechless on the subject of Tom and Daria.)
Trent: Calm down, Janey. The wound isn't healed yet. Seeing them is going to be a tough pill to swallow. (Trent shows some serious emotion in that sentence, which Jane picks up on.)
Jane: "Tough pill to swallow," eh? Sounds like you need another gulp of water for it, too.
Trent: What are you talking about?
Jane: What do you think I'm talking about?
Trent: I have no idea. (he stands up and leaves some money on the table) I gotta go.
Jane: Where are you going?
Trent: Practice. Who are you, Mom?
Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you're going.
Trent: (walking towards the door, calling over his shoulder) Exactly.
(Author's note: Yes, that's blatantly ripped from "Pierce Me." I just thought it fit really well here. Imagine it's a running joke between the two of them.)
CUt to: Jane sitting in the booth thoughtfully sipping at her soda. You can see she's hatching a plan of some sort.)
Cut to: EXT the Morgendorffer house. Tom and Daria are sitting on the curb with their pizza slices in hand.
Daria: Do you mind I'm going to New York?
Tom: Why should I mind?
Daria: Um. Good point.
Tom: (seeming to understand what she's getting at.) I wish I could go, but that would be worse than that almost-meal.
Daria: (relieved that Tom understands her.) Right.
Tom: You and Jane seemed to be getting along okay. (beat) As long as I wasn't there or mentioned.
Daria: Are you really that surprised?
Tom: No, not really.
Daria: (sighing) I'm sorry.
Tom: For what?
Daria: For a lot of things. You'd be surprised. (wistfully) Oh well...at least we were able to _joke_ like before...
(Tom realises she's not talking about him at all. He puts his arm around her shoulders and gives her a quick hug.)
Tom: It'll be ok, Daria. We all just need some time.
Daria: Yeah. (looks at her watch) I'm gonna go. I'll let you know what's going on with New York.
(They share another one of those lingering kisses, then Daria gets up and goes inside.)
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer livingroom. Jake is sitting on the couch watching TV. Helen is working in the kitchen, and Quinn is on a date somewhere. Daria walks through the livingroom.
Daria: Hi Dad.
Jake: Hey kiddo.
(Daria keeps walking to the kitchen.)
Daria: Hi Mom.
Helen: Well hello, Daria. How are you?
Daria: I'm ok. Um...can I go to New York City with Jane next weekend?
(Helen feigns shock because she knows Daria thinks the concept of Jane inviting her anywhere but to a dark alley should be a surprise to her mother.)
Helen: New York City? Jane? Next weekend?
Daria: Well, you caught the important nouns.
Helen: (slyly) So Jane came around, huh?
Daria: (shrugging) She has four tickets to a concert, so she thought of me on reflex, I think. Either way, I'm not complaining.
Helen: Four tickets? Who is she inviting?
Daria: Trent and me only, so far.
Helen: (seemingly hatching a plan) You know, Daria, you're graduating next year, and then you'll be off at college. Quinn'll never see you-
Daria: (deadpan) And she'll finally be able to say she's an only child without me around to correct her.
Helen: (sighing) Really, Daria. You should try and get to know your sister better before you leave.
Daria: You can't be serious.
Helen: Not only am I serious, you can't go unless she goes too.
Daria: Jane would never agree to that!
Helen: (triumphant) She already has.
Helen: She called while you were still out with Tom and asked me about it. When I first mentioned Quinn she was very against it, but she came around. (Helen smirks)
Daria: You offered to pay for something, didn't you?
Helen: The hotel rooms for the 4 of you.
Daria: You realise you need to pay me too, right?
Helen: (with a heavy sigh) Yup.
Daria: 150 and a credit card.
Daria: (vo) This had better be worth it.
Cut to: Later that night. INT Casa Lane. The livingroom. Jane is watching TV on the sofa. Trent comes home from practice.
TV: But she was only there for a month! Temp jobs that take your soul- Next! On Sick Sad World!
(Jane turns the TV off)
Jane: I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?
Trent: Um...good news.
Jane: The good news is that Daria's coming with us to New York.
Trent: (warily) And the bad news?
Jane: It's bad, but it could be worse. The only way I could convince Helen to let Daria go was to...(hangs head in shame) invite Quinn.
Trent: Daria's sister?
Jane: Yup. Ol' Red herself.
Trent: (emphatically) Daria's sister.
Jane: (sincerely) Oh, there's more good news!
Jane: (smirking) The only way Helen convinced _me_ to let Quinn join was to get her to pay for the hotel. I don't have to go into my stash, and Daria can still have her damn cabin in Montana.
Jane: (evil look) So I have to go in for the kill...what was eating _you_ about Daria and Tom? And it wasn't just brotherly instinct. I know your facial expressions too well for it to be _just_ that.
Trent: (returning the look but ignoring her question) Right, and exactly _why_ did you invite them to sit down?
Jane: I asked you first.
Trent: (defeated, but still hedging the topic) I...I don't want to see Daria get hurt. You fell for him fast, but she's never had feelings for-er...she's never been with someone before. I don't want him to do to her what he did to you.
Jane: Luckily we have no other friends for him to take a fancy to. And wait a minute...how do you know she's had feelings for someone before? (she eyes him carefully)
Trent: Come _on_ Jane. I've seen and heard her tear into stupid people, and it's scared the crap out of me, that she'd turn that acid tongue of hers on me.
Trent: But for a long time, every time I said something stupid, she just sort of blushed and mumbled. It hasn't happened in a while, and I noticed. Especially when this crap with Tom started to go down, and when I talked to her, she finally did smack me with words. The difference was just too obvious.
Jane: (smirking) I bet you wouldn't mind that "tongue of hers" on you.
Trent: (blushing, but smiling wistfully) Nope.
Jane: (triumphant) Ok, so at least you're admitting it. But you do realise where that leaves us, right?
Trent: Uhhh...what are you talking about, Janey?
Jane: (evil smirk) Well Tom ditched me for her, and you _obviously_ haven't been in her thoughts for a while...
Trent: What? What _are_ you getting at?
Jane: Espionage. Subversive acts.
Trent: You're still losin' me, Janey.
Jane: We're going to get our old Daria back, you dimwit! (slight grin) And you're going to get a lot more than you ever had before...
Trent: Watch it, Janey. If this backfires, we really _will_ lose her.
Jane: I know, I know. So uh...how come you never said anything to her before?
Trent: I started to the week before your birthday, when she and I went shopping. You know, when she got her navel pierced? (Jane chuckles at that) Anyway, when we were at Axl's, I ran into Monique and she and I started hanging out again, and well, I sortof forgot about Daria. Then just as I was getting my mind back on her, I realised it wouldn't work out.
Jane: What brought about that epiphany?
Trent: Remember when I botched that multimedia project for O'Neill?
Jane: (testily) Yeah. I needed that A, you dork!
Trent: Right, well...I realised Daria was _way_ too highstrung for me.
Jane: She's too highstrung for most people.
Trent: She also saw me as too lazy, and I don't blame her. This year, I started getting organized and I hoped she'd see it, even though I knew she was still too...bottled up.
Jane: (seeing exactly where this is going) Which brings us to Tom.
Trent: Bingo. I never her saw her show so much emotion until now. Whether she likes it or not, a large chunk of her has been dragged out in the open for all to see, and it's not going back. I'd like to be the one to guide her around all of that, and not...(venemously) him.
Jane: Let's be slightly fair...he _was_ going to break up with me. He was just "emoting," as you so eloquently put it. (Trent gives her an "oh, please look.") Ok, yeah, he's a two-timer. But look on the bright side! He got the stick out of Daria's ass! Hell, if I'd known all it would take was a kiss, I'd have done it a year ago!
(Trent glares at her)
Jane: Kidding! Kidding! (getting down to business) Ok, so this is my plan. We'll start together, the four of us, then I'll split off with Quinn, and you go somewhere with Daria. I'll try and keep you away from the Fashion Victim as much as possible.
Trent: Will you be ok?
Jane: I've done it before, I can do it again. And anyway, if I can get her angle on this, it'll be all the better...
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer livingroom. Quinn has just come home from her date, and Helen is about to tell her about the trip.
Quinn: (entering, calling over her shoulder) Bye! (walking in) Oh, uh, hi Mom. I'm just going to go up to my room now...
Helen: Don't worry, Quinn, you're 5 minutes ahead of curfew. (Quinn sighs in relief) I wanted to tell you that you're going to New York City next weekend.
Quinn: (eyes big as saucers) Ohmigod!!! Mom thank you!!!! I can go to Macy's and Bloomingdale's and--
Helen: (deadpan) You're going with your sister and her friends.
Quinn: (shock and terror) Muh-OOOM! Are you kidding me?!?
Helen: Nope. The only reason I'm letting Daria go is if you go, too. And unless you want your sister to make your life hell, I suggest you take 72 hours out of your busy life and go with her.
Quinn: You can't be serious.
Helen: I'm serious, Quinn. Did I mention _I_ can make your life hell, too? I gave you life, I can take it away.
Quinn: (resigned) Oh all right. (holding out palm) 200.
Helen: Done. (Quinn runs off to her room) I hope Daria can keep my credit card out of her hands...
Cut to: INT Pizza King. Jane and Trent are in a both, sitting next to each other. Tom is in the booth behind them, but their backs to him. (ie, they can't see him.)
Trent: Are you sure this is going to work, Janey?
Jane: Positive. This is the chance she's been waiting for.
(Tom thinks Trent has seen him, but realises he's OK when Jane continues speaking.)
Jane: Not to worry. Old flames are hard to put out.
(Tom's eyes widen when he hears this. He looks around for a way to leave without being noticed, and finding one, runs for it._
Cut to: Following Tom outside.
Tom: (thought vo) This can't be good. She couldn't do that to me. She's given up too much already, and anyway, she's getting Jane back. I have nothing to worry about. Right? Right?
Cut to: INT Daria's room. She's on the phone with Jane.
Daria: So how are we getting there?
Jane: The Tank. I don't think Quinn wants to see the Trentmobile ever again. (Author's note: that's a reference to "Legends of a Mall")
Daria: I don't think Jake wants to see his daughters in it ever again at least.
Jane: Something like that.
Daria: That was a dirty trick, inviting Quinn. I'm going to have to kill you, you realise.
Jane: I know, but it was the only way I could get Helen to let you go, and come on, she's paying for the hotel!
Daria: That's true. She gave me $125 and her credit card, too.
Jane: Does Princess Grace know that?
Daria: Hell no, and I'm certainly not going to tell her, either.
Jane: Ol' Red probably got a bribe of her own, anyway.
Daria: Probably. It's good to know I'm going to hate this as much as she is.
Jane: Probably more.
Daria: Yeah. I just won't get the same pleasure out of Macy's and Bloomingdale's that she will.
Jane: You won't go near those places with a ten foot pole!
Daria: So? I won't get any pleasure out of them, either.
Jane: True. I'll tell you what, I promise to keep her away from you for a while. Trent said he knew some places in New York City he wanted to show you.
Daria: Um...ok. (Daria doesn't know what to do with this information, especially the concept of Jane volunteering to babysit Quinn.) Why?
Jane: Because I can't offload her on Trent, and even you shouldn't be punished with having to be with her all the time.
Daria: Thanks. So uh, when are we leaving?
Jane: Next Thursday. Your mom's paying for Thursday through Saturday night at the Chelsea Hotel.
Daria: Oh wow, Bob Dylan lived there for a while.
Jane: Yup, and it's a Dan Bern song. _My_ idea.
Daria: Nice reference.
Jane: I thought so. Your mom was so ecstatic when I mentioned Dylan. Must've given her a flashback to her hippie days or something. (they both shudder) So let's meet in a couple days and discuss itinerary, ok?
Jane: Talk to you later?
Daria: See ya.
(they both hang up)
Cut to: INT Helen and Jake's bedroom later that night.
Helen: The girls are going to New York City next weekend with Trent and Jane Lane.
Jake: WHAT?!? Our little girls alone in the big city!
Helen: Really, Jake. Daria's going to be a senior in highschool, I think we can trust her on this. And anyway, it'll be a good chance for them to bond. Not to mention _us_. Rowr!
Helen: I'll make my special pancakes, Jakey....
Jake: Oh New York! It's a helluva town!!!
Cut to: Transition scenes
BG Music: "Ready to Go"-Republica
Scene: INT Cashman's, Quinn is going nuts shopping for clothes for the trip
Scene: INT Casa Lane, the kitchen, Jane and Trent are talking with conspiratorial looks on their faces, we see Jane writing stuff down
Scene: INT Quinn's room, a suitcase is open and overflowing on her bed
Scene: INT Casa Lane, the basement, Trent is playing his acoustic, Jane and Daria watch approvingly
Scene: INT Cashman's Quinn shopping some more
Scene: INT Quinn's room, now there's two suitcases on her bed, both overflowing
Scene: INT Trent's room, he's filling a duffel bag with clothes
Scene: INT Jane's room, she's filling a small black suitcase with clothes
Scene: INT Quinn's room, she's trying to close the suitcases
Scene: INT Daria's room, she's looking in her closet
Scene: INT Casa Lane, Trent's duffel and a guitar case are by the door, as is Jane's small black suitcase and her easel and some art supplies
Scene: INT Quinn's room, she's still trying to close her suitcases
Scene: INT Daria's room, she puts several black skirts and orange shirts in the overnight bag we saw in "Fire!"
Scene: INT Quinn's room, she finally gets her suitcases closed
Scene: INT Daria's room, she zippers her bag. The background music stops.
Daria: Well, I'm packed.
Cut to: INT Morgendorffer living room, next Thursday. Doorbell rings, Daria answers it.
Jane: Hey, Daria.
Daria: Hey, Jane.
Jane: You ready for four days of New York City?
Daria: Only if you're ready for four days of my _ sister _ and New York City.
(Daria heads upstairs to get her suitcase and Quinn)
Daria: QUINN! JANE AND TRENT ARE HERE! YOU READY TO GO?
(Helen walks in from the kitchen)
Helen: Hello, Jane!
Jane: Hi Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Helen: I'm so glad you could take the girls to New York with you.
Jane: Well, you know, it just wouldn't have been the same without Daria...
Helen: And Quinn!
Jane: (dully) Right. And Quinn.
(Quinn struggles down the stairs with her two overstuffed suitcases)
Quinn: Uggh! Can somebody HELP me?!
Jane: Sorry. You pack it, you haul it, Boopsie.
(Daria comes down with her overnight bag and steps around Quinn)
Daria: (nonchalantly) I call shotgun.
Quinn: No fair!
Jane: Trust me, Quinn, it's better this way. We want to live on this trip, and I don't know if Trent could resist driving us off a cliff if you were up front with him. (smirks) And anyway, it seems Daria's the only one who can keep him up.
Daria: Shut it, Lane. (turning to her mother) I'll see you in a few days, Mom.
Helen: (giving Daria and Quinn each a quick hug) Be good, girls. Call when you get there!
Quinn: Bye, Mom.
(Daria and Quinn go out to the Tank. Quinn is still struggling.)
Quinn: (trying to deal with a suitcase) Unnnggrrhhh-rahh! (she successfully gets suitcase #1 in) Unnnngrrrh....ungh...unggrrhhha! Gotcha! (she gets suitcase #2 in)
(Daria, Jane and Trent watched as she managed this. They all smirk and chuckle.)
Trent: Good job, Daria's Sister. Have you ever carried your own bags before?
Quinn: Augh! My name is QUINN!
Trent: Right. Daria's sister.
(Jane and Daria chuckle)
Cut to: EXT the Tank driving up the street
Quinn: (vo) AUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!!!
Cut to: EXT the Tank is still driving, only now we're on a highway. We go along on the highway for a while.
BG music: "Get in the Car"-Moxy Fruvous
Jane: Hey Trent! Let's pull over at the next gas station. Princess Grace here needs to hit the bathroom.
Quinn: My name is Quinn, dammit!
Jane: (sweetly) Sorry, _honey._
(Daria chuckles. Trent is oblivious, as he ignores Quinn at all costs. A Mobil/McDonalds (you know, like the ones on I-95) appears on the horizon and Trent edges over to the right lane. When they get to the rest stop, they pull over and park. The foursome tumbles out of the Tank and heads inside. Quinn and Daria head to the bathroom, while Jane and Trent get in line for coffee.)
Jane: You ok for driving or do you want me to take the wheel?
Trent: Um, I could go for a nap.
Jane: Trent, you can always go for a nap.
Cut to: INT the bathroom. Daria and Quinn are at the sink. Daria's washing her hands, and Quinn is fixing her makeup.
Quinn: I can't believe mom is making me go on this trip with you and your weirdo friends, Daria.
Daria: You're not the only one.
Quinn: Thank GOD I won't know anyone on our way to New York. I mean, I'd _DIE_ if Sandi knew I was here with you... (Daria's eyes narrow, as she knows this will be prime blackmail fodder)
Daria: You mean you didn't tell her you were going to The Big City?
Quinn: Oh, of COURSE I did...I just told her I was going on a modeling weekend at Barbizon!
Daria: Well aren't you the smart one. It would be such a shame if she found out those things usually give certificates of completion.
Daria: It would be such a shame, wouldn't it, _sis_?
Daria: Done. (Quinn gives Daria $25 in hush money. Daria leaves. Quinn looks in the mirror and sighs.)
Quinn: I hate my life. (She leaves as well.)
Cut to: the parking lot, outside the Tank. Jane is sipping a cup of coffee; Trent is leaning against the Tank.
Jane: HERE you guys are! Ok, let's hit the road! (She jumps in the driver's seat.)
Quinn: Auggh! No FAIR!
Jane: She called it, Quinn. All's fair in love and cars. (Looks at Trent.) Sorry, bro.
(Trent shrugs and climbs in the back. He falls asleep immediately, as Quinn tries to find somewhere in the back to sit that's comfortable _and_ not gross. Daria gets in front, and Jane backs out and drives off.)
Cut to: EXT the open road.
BG music: "Untouchable Face,"-Ani DiFranco
Jane: (singing along) "Think I'm going for a walk now, I feel a little unsteady, I don't want nobody to follow me, 'cept maybe you, I could make you happy you know, if you weren't already, I could do a lot of things, and I do, tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you, too bad you had to have a better half, she's not really my type, but I think you two are forever, and I hate to say it but, you're perfect together, so fuck you, and your untouchable face, and fuck you, for existing in the first place, and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch, and who am I, I bet you can't even tell me that much..."
(Daria looks _really_ alarmed at how into the song Jane is getting)
Jane: (still rocking out) Yo?
Daria: You ok?
Daria: (getting worried) I mean, uh...with me being here?
Jane: It's cool Daria, why do you ask?
Daria: (confused) Uh, this song?
Jane: (laughs out loud) Oh! Hehehe. No...heh...I just really love this song. Especially driving to it. It's GREAT for driving.
(the next chorus comes up, and Daria joins in)
Daria and Jane: "so fuck you, and your untouchable face, and fuck you, for existing in the first place, and who am I, that I should be vying for your touch, and who am I, I bet you can't even tell me that much..."
Jane: Why are you singing? You don't sing.
Daria: What can I say? The lyrics are sarcastic enough even for me to enjoy.
Jane: It's Ani DiFranco, she's a snarky bitch!
Daria: Snarky? I didn't even know that was a word...
Jane: Betcha can't wait to use it, huh?
Cut to: EXT the van driving in the night, Daria's at the wheel now, Quinn is asleep in shotgun (finally), and Trent and Jane are asleep in the back. Driving north on I-95, Daria can see the New York skyline appearing on the horizon.
Daria: Wake up, guys. We're approaching New York, New York.
Daria: New York. Land ho.
Jane: Who're you callin' a ho?
Daria: (turns to her right) Quinn, wake up!
(Jane cackles at that, and it helps her wake up)
Jane: Yo, Trent, wakey wakey!
Daria: Allow me. (clears throat) Hey Trent! Wake up!
Trent: What? Huh? I swear it's not mine, officer! I don't know where the baggie came from!
Jane: You ok there, Trent?
Trent: (groggily) Uh-huh. Any more of that coffee?
Jane: (handing him a cup) Yeah. It's cold though.
Trent : (pleading) Caffine.
Jane: You're desperate.
Trent: Uh-huh. (chugs the cold coffee) Eugh.
Daria: Trent, I'm going to need you to take over at the helm. I don't know if I can handle city driving.
Trent: Ok, sure. Can you be navigator?
Daria: Ok. Quinn, I'm going to have to take shotgun back.
Quinn: Daria! You've had it almost all trip!
Jane: Quinn, Trent needs a navigator. No matter who takes the job, you're going to have to move.
Quinn: Why can't I be navigator?
Daria: (patronizingly) Because only Jane and I can read her handwriting, that's why.
Quinn: (arms akimbo) Oooooh!
(Daria pulls over to the side of the road. Everyone gets out to stretch their legs. Jane gives Daria the directions to the Chelsea Hotel, and everyone piles back in. Daria in shotgun, Trent driving, and Jane and Quinn in the back.)
Cut to: EXT the Tank turning off the West Side Highway onto 23rd st, then stopping in front of 222 West 23rd street. (Author's note: yes, that's the actual address of the Chelsea Hotel. Oh, yeah, it's a real place. *smirk*) Quinn, Daria and Jane get out and take out the bags.
Trent: Leave my guitar, I'll carry that.
(Trent drives off to park the Tank)
Jane: Ok, kids, let's check in and get settled.
(They walk into the lobby, oohing and ahing at it. A bellboy had taken everyone's bags and put them on a trolley.)
Daria: Hey Quinn, no flirting with the bellboys this time, huh?
Quinn: Oh shut up, Daria.
(Jane cocks an eyebrow at the exchange)
Daria: (to Jane) I'll tell you later.
(Jane finishes checking in, and gives Daria a key)
Jane: Sorry guys, your mom got two rooms, a room for each set of siblings.
Daria: Oh god, not again.
Quinn: That is so unFAIR!!!
Jane: How many more times are you going to say that this weekend, Quinn?
Quinn: (sniffs) As many times as it takes!
Daria: Ohhhh boy. Come on, Quinn, let's go upstairs and get settled.
Jane: Trent and I are in the room next to yours.
Cut to: INT Daria and Quinn's room. Quinn is unpacking, and Daria is calling home.
Daria: Hey, Mom.
Helen: Well helloooo, Daria! You all got there safe, I assume?
Daria: Well, we left Quinn at a toll plaza in New Jersey, but....
Daria: Only kidding, Mom. Anyway, we're probably going to go out to eat, then hit the hay...we're all pretty beat.
Helen: All right, then. Have fun in New York! (dangerously) And don't let Quinn near the credit card.
Daria: No worries, Mom. You want to talk to her?
Helen: Sure, put her on.
Daria: Hey Quinn! Mom wants to talk to you. I'm going to go to Jane's room.
Cut to: INT Jane and Trent's room. Trent is there by now.
Jane: Ok, tomorrow I'll take Princess Grace museum hopping. That'll give you some quality time with Daria. (sighs) I hope we get past Madison avenue, I really want to see the Van Goghs at the Met....(musing) Maybe I can drop Her Highness at H&M while I go to MoMA...yeah, that's a plan....
(Daria knocks on the door)
Trent and Jane: Come in.
Daria: Hey. Food, anyone?
Trent: Yeah, I'm starving. (sly smirk) And I know a great pizza place in the neighbourhood. It's called Don Giovanni's.
Daria: (deadpan) You're suggesting we eat pizza in a restaurant named after an opera about a wife-killer?
Trent: I don't know about wife killing, but they have killer pizza. Good desserts, too.
Jane: I'm in.
Daria: Ok, I'll go get Quinn.
(Daria goes back to her room)
Daria: Hey Quinn! We're getting dinner, come on! (She enters the room to find clothes strewn everywhere. Quinn is in the closet trying something on) Quinn! Come on!
Quinn: Really, Daria. I can't just wear any old thing my first night in New York!
Daria: Quinn, we're going for pizza, not an interview with Rudy Guiliani.
Quinn: Well, how does this look? (She's wearing her jeans but with a blue tank top)
Daria: You look fine.
Quinn: My hair!
Daria: QUINN! I'm hungry and I'm tired, and I just want to eat and go to sleep, and I imagine Jane and Trent feel the same way. So please, can we go now?
Quinn: Fine...but if I meet some hot guy and he doesn't go for me because you didn't let me do my hair, I'm not talking to you for the rest of the trip!
Daria: (sweetly) Oh, I thought you were going to threaten me.
Daria: (dangerously) Be next door in five minutes. Or else.
Cut to: Daria, Quinn, Jane and Trent walking up to the restaurant. Quinn's hair is in a ponytail.
Jane: So will I get to kill a wife while I'm at the restaurant?
Daria: Ha ha.
(the turn the corner and walk halfway down the block to the restaurant. They walk in and sit down.)
Waitress: Hello, can I get you anything to drink?
Quinn: Diet Coke.
(she turns away to get the drinks)
Jane: (looking at the menu) Ok...pizza pizza pizza....Let's get a couple of pies. Topings?
Trent: Ditto. (Jane smirks)
Quinn: White pizza.
Jane: oookay...half pepperoni, half white pizza....
Waitress: What can I get you guys?
Jane: One pepperoni, one half pepperoni, half white pizza.
Quinn: The guys here are really cute!
Daria: The guys here are really gay.
Quinn: Daria! That's not nice!
Daria: No, I mean they're all gay. As in, homosexuals.
Quinn: How can they be? They're so cute!
Jane: I dare you to find out.
Quinn: (coldly) Watch me.
(Quinn gets up and starts flirting with a tall and wiry blonde guy who is indeed hot.)
Quinn: Are you from around here?
Guy: Not really...I moved here from Tarrytown.
Quinn: Wow, really? I lived there when I was little.
Guy: Uh huh.
Quinn: What's your name? I'm Quinn.
Guy: I'm Adam.
Quinn: Hi Adam! What do you do when you're not a waiter?
Adam: I'm an actor.
Quinn: Wow! I want to be a model. Actors should always date models, don't you think?
Adam: Uh...yeah, I guess so.
Quinn: I'm going to live in New York some day...
Adam: That's nice. (Throughout this exchange, Adam has been _powerfully_ bored, but Quinn keeps at it)
Quinn: Can I have your number? I'm going to be here this weekend, and I could really use someone to show me around... (Quinn gives him her best "look at me, I'm so cute and desirable" look)
Adam: Um...I think you're barking up the wrong tree.
Adam: I have a boyfriend.
Quinn: (totally stopped in her tracks) A...what?
Adam: A boyfriend. I'm gay.
Quinn: Oooooh! (She stalks away)
Adam: Damn gay bashers....
(Trent, Jane and Daria watched this whole thing and are now cracking up. Quinn storms back to the table.)
Quinn: Shut up! Don't say it!
Jane: I guess Trent's more his type, eh, Quinn? (Daria and Trent chuckle)
Trent: Don't worry, Quinn, I won't steal your thunder.
Quinn: Ooooh! (she storms off to the bathroom)
Jane: Heh, guess she couldn't take the competition.
Daria: Well, I can't see her with a guy who cares more about accessories than she does. What would she bring to the relationship?
Jane: I'd say incessant whining, but I've never heard anyone whine as much as our cousin Greg.
Trent: He goes by "Greta" on Saturday nights.
(The waitress comes over with two pizzas)
Jane: Ooh! Food!
(the three of them dive in, and Quinn eventually returns and takes a slice of the white pizza)
Cut to: later, the pizza has been devoured. Quinn even ate her half-pizza.
Jane: Hey Trent, weren't you saying something about the desserts being good here?
Trent: Yeah. The tiramisu.
Quinn: The tirami-what?
Trent: I'll order it and you'll see.
(Trent orders it, and the waitress brings it out with four forks.)
Jane: (taking a taste) Oh my God! This stuff is orgasmic!
Quinn: Ewww! I'm trying to eat here! (takes a bite) Wow! This stuff is good!
(Daria takes a bite)
Daria: Wow. (takes another bite.) WOW. Damn, Trent, you were holding out on us! Why did you never share knowledge of such a dessert?
Trent: I dunno. But this place sure can make 'em!
(the tiramisu is promptly devoured. The four all rub their stomachs and "ooh" at how full they are. [yes, even Quinn] The waitress comes over again)
Watiress: Can I get you anything else?
Trent: Naw, just the check, please.
(the waitress walks away and returns with the check. Daria grabs it against Trent and Jane's protests and walks over to the counter/bar. She pulls out Helen's credit card and hands the bill back to the waitress. They settle bill as Trent, Jane and Quinn head for the door. Outside, Trent pulls out a cigarette and lights up)
Daria: You do that often?
Trent: What? Smoke? Not really...only after a meal like that. Phew, Italian desserts always make me crave nicotine...
(The four head back to the hotel where they go to their separate rooms [Author's note: with their separate necks] and they all go to sleep.)
Cut to: Next morning. INT Daria and Quinn's room. The phone rings, Daria answers.
Jane: Yo. Be in my room in 5 minutes, I'll leave the door open.
(Daria quickly showers and gets dressed, careful not to wake Quinn up. She heads over to Jane and Trent's room, where, as promised the door is open. She walks in to find the bathroom door closed with shower noises coming through, and Trent sitting on his bed facing away from the door playing his guitar. He's playing Chelsea Hotel again, but he's at a different verse than before.)
Trent: "New love is beautiful/and new love is sad/new love brings back all the old loves/that you've ever had/I put out a casting call/and you cast a spell/and we're practicing for the millennium/making love at the Chelsea Hotel/So who knows what tomorrow brings?/But I know where I'll be waking up/so let's just listen to our breath tonight/and the breeze through the window you opened up/I can hear our hearts beating/which is yours which is mine, who can tell?/spend all our day making love at the Chelsea Hotel..."
(Daria listens in awe. A blush creeps up on her face, and her eyes get that dazed look they got after her kisses with Tom. Trent finishes playing and stands up)
Trent: Oh, hey Daria.
Daria: (startled out of her reverie) Oh! Uh, hey Trent.
Trent: How much did you hear?
Daria: Just a couple of verses. Is that Dan Bern's song about this place?
Trent: Yeah. Though there's no real mention of it other than what he does here. (He gets a slow smirk and bedroom eyes)
Daria: Yeah. He must've done a lot of that here at some point. I mean, uh, to write a song about it...
Trent: (laugh/cough) Yeah. Lucky guy.
(the two just sortof look at each other for a while, then Daria breaks the silence)
Daria: Uh...you're up early.
Trent: I slept well. That, and I want to make the most of our time here in the city. I love this place, but I don't get here very often.
Daria: How many times have you been here?
Trent: Just a few...our parents took us here a couple years back, and then Jesse and I came here a couple times looking for music opportunities. None of them panned out.
Daria: Well, you never know. This could be the lucky trip.
Trent: (smirking at her again) I hope so...
(At this point, a showered and dressed Jane emerges from the bathroom)
Jane: Oh, good, you're here! So this is what I was figuring...You and Trent go wandering the Village today, and I'll drag Princess Grace to some museums. The Met is having an exhibit on fashion, so she'll be right at home. I guess I can drop her at H&M while I'm at the MoMA. That'll keep her more occupied than the exhibit at the Met, I'd imagine. We'll all meet back here around 5, and later go for some dinner. Then, I was thinkng we could hit Rocky Horror tonight. I hear this cast is awesome.
Daria: Uh...ok. Are you sure you can take that much of Quinn?
Jane: No sweat. Like I said, we'll be in the same general vicinities, but I don't see her sticking to my side like a burr.
Daria: If she goes off with some guy, you get to answer to Helen.
Jane: No problemo. Is there anything specific you want to see?
Daria: Well, Edgar Alan Poe used to live on west 84th street. I heard that NYU is trying to tear down the house, so I kinda want to see it before they do that.
Trent: They're trying to tear down that place? That's not cool.
Daria: I know. There's just no respect for Gothic writers anymore!
Jane: Guess you'll have to revive that art, eh, Morgendorffer?
Daria: Something like that. All right, well, it seems that 3/4ths of our party are ready to head out into the Big City. Shall I go see if Her Highness is awake yet?
Jane: Nah. You and Trent go do your thing, I'll wake Ol' Red when I'm ready to go.
Trent: Let's go get some breakfast somewhere.
(Daria and Trent head out, while Jane sets up her easel to paint for a while.)
Jane: (vo) Oh, this is going perfectly!
Cut to: INT random diner. Trent and Daria are eating breakfast.
Trent: (between mouthfuls of eggs) Jane didn't tell me she wanted to see Rocky Horror here.
Daria: I can't believe she has me in a position to drag me back there.
Trent: Oh come on, Daria, it's not that bad. The worst part's over.
Daria: How so?
Trent: You're not a virgin anymore, they can't taunt you again.
(The couple behind them does a spit take at that comment.)
Daria: I guess you're right.
Trent: I'm just annoyed because I don't have anything to wear.
Daria: (wincing) God! You sound just like Quinn!
Trent: Sorry. Once you get used to dressing up for Rocky, you never want to go in regular clothes.
Daria: Damn Richard O'Brien and his creations.
Trent: I know some places we can go to get clothes for it though.
Daria: (stricken) WE?
Cut to: EXT Astor Place. Daria and Trent are standing under the Cube. Various "kids" of varying states of consciousness and cleanliness loaf around.
girl: The cube! It SPINS!!!!
(Daria eyes the girl warily.)
Daria: I see.
(The Monique look-alike from "Downtown" walks by, with Alex hot on her trail. Trent and Daria share a smirk.)
Trent: Some guys just never learn...
Daria: Guess not.
Trent: Let's go, there are some great stores around here.
(he offers her his arm, and to both of their amazement, she takes it. They walk east on 8th street)
Cut to: EXT St Marks Place, in front of Trash Vaudeville (Author's note: think the Funky Doodle with a harder edge). In the window are mannequins wearing leather, vinyl and other interesting things.
Trent: Here's a good place to start.
(They walk inside)
Daria: I told Jane no bustiers and no vinyl. The same goes for you too.
Trent: (eyeing a black vinyl bustier) Shame. That'd look good on you.
Daria: (blushing) Um. Let's see what else they have. And aren't we looking for you, anyway?
Trent: I told you before _we_ need clothes for it.
Daria: I can see the headlines now "Lane siblings killed for trying to pull the same stunt twice..."
Trent: Come on, Daria. It won't kill you.
Daria: (reconsidering) Well, it _would_ be fun to see Quinn's face...
Trent: (vo) Gotcha.
(Trent picks out several outfits, some for her, some for him. They go into dressing rooms and try stuff on)
Trent: (emerging from a dressing room in blue plaid bondage pants with a blue t-shirt and a black fishnet shirt over it.) What do you think of this?
Daria: (from her dressing room) Hold on!
(Daria comes out of her dressing room, and Trent's jaw drops. She's wearing a short black vinyl skirt that has two zippers up the front, with a small black t-shirt that says "I Dig Pale Scrawny Guys." She has her trademark boots on as well, which complete the goth/punk look.)
Daria: (She appraises his outfit) Hm, I like the color scheme. You're blue daba-dee-daboo-dah, huh?
Trent: (all but drooling) Uh...
Daria: What? What is it?
Trent: That looks really good on you.
Daria: (looking squarely at him) You just like the shirt.
Trent: (coughs) Oh...heh, sorry...didn't see it had any writing. I thought it was plain black.
Daria: Yeah, yeah. Likely story. Anyway, this is the only thing that didn't make me feel naked, like a freak, or both.
Trent: Cool. It's yours, a gift.
Daria: (blushing) Uh...thanks.
Trent: Well, I can't have you going to Rocky Horror in normal clothes. Especially not after you'd gone as Columbia.
Daria: That was Jane's fault. I told her I'd be damned if I was walking around in my underwear. Imagine my surprise when I saw Ms. Li in _hers_...
Trent: (laugh/cough) Yeah. I'll never forget the first time she came dressed like that. I nearly broke character _so_ many times that night. Come on, there's more stuff to see...
BG Music: "Most Precarious"-Blues Traveller
(They go back into the dressing rooms and change back into their normal clothes. They come out carrying what they want to buy and go to the counter. Daria pulls out her wallet, but Trent waves it away.)
Trent: I told you, it's a gift.
(They leave and continue up St. Mark's, stopping every so often to look at the jewelry hanging in the vendor booths. Daria pauses to look at different pieces. She eyes an opal drop intently, but decides against it. Trent makes a note of this.)
Trent: Um...are you hungry yet?
Daria: Eh, I could eat.
Trent: (he points back up the way they came) That place, Dojo's is really good. Go in and get a table, I'll be right there.
Daria: Ok. (she turns and leaves. In her absence, Trent buys the opal necklace.)
BG Music: "Dream"-Forest for the Trees
Cut to: INT the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Jane is looking at some Van Gogh paintings. Quinn is nowhere to be seen.
Cut to: INT another part of the Met, Quinn is going bananas at the fashion exhibit.
Cut to: INT the Great Hall of the Met, Quinn and Jane rendezvous
Cut to: EXT Jane is dropping Quinn off at H&M, you see Jane point to her watch and look at Quinn sternly
Cut to: INT the Museum of Modern Art, Jane is standing in the room with Kandinsky's four paintings with a blissful look on her face
BG Music stops. Jane looks at her watch.
Jane: Drat, time to go pick up Quinn.
Cut to: EXT H&M. Quinn is waiting outside with a armful of bags.
Quinn: (a little angry) Jeez, Jane, I was waiting for 20 minutes!
Jane: Oops, sorry. It's a Lane trait.
Quinn: Man, and I thought I got into fashion too much, if I had known where in the museum you were, I probably would have gone in and dragged you out by your earrings!
Jane: (grinning) Would you believe you're not the first one to threaten that?
Quinn: Oh boy.
Cut to: a little while later, INT Jane and Quinn are eating lunch
Jane: So uh...has Daria seemed a little...strange...lately?
Quinn: Not any more than usual.
Jane: (defeated) Oh.
Quinn: But there are a _couple_ things I've noticed...
Jane: (hopeful) Oh?
Quinn: Well, this really cute guy with an _awful_ car has been coming around and stuff. They don't do much but talk about books and politics, but I _did_ see him kiss her once or twice.
Jane: (disgusted) Oh.
Quinn: (not noticing Jane's tone) I don't know _what_ he sees in her. He'd be perfect if not for that car...
Jane: What else have you noticed?
Quinn: Well, she's been talking in her sleep...
Jane: (mystified) How the hell would you know?
Quinn: Those padded walls suck for soundproofing.
Jane: I see. And what has she been saying?
Quinn: Well, usually it's gibberish, but every once in a while I hear her scream something about a tiger. And then she says, "No! Not the Golden Pepper Blonde!!!!"
Jane: (cracking up at this) Wow. So she _is_ tortured by guilt. I knew she had it in her.
Quinn: What are you talking about?
Jane: Tom is my ex-boyfriend.
Quinn: Tom? You mean the cute guy with that thing he calls a car?
Jane: One and the same.
Quinn: (you see a synapse connect and her face lights up) Ohmigod!!! You mean that morning when she asked me about kissing a best friend's boyf...oh my God. That really HAPPENED?
Jane: Oh yeah.
Quinn: (stopped in her tracks) Wow. That is _so_ unlike her!
Jane: Yeah, well, you repress stuff long enough, it comes out in the worst situation...
Quinn: Eeew! Jane, I'm trying to eat!
Jane: (sighing) Nevermind.
Cut to: EXT Dojo's (they have outdoor seating. They are both eating sandwiches in pitas heavily laden with salad.)
Daria: Mmm! If there's one thing I know is good about New York, it's the food.
Trent: Yeah, it makes surviving on just pizza a punishable crime.
Daria: So um...your guitar playing's improved a lot.
Trent: Thanks. I've been really working at it.
Daria: Think you'll ditch the grunge scene and become a folkie?
Trent: Not likely. There's already enough Dylan wannabes in the industry.
Daria: Yeah, and we're seeing one of them tomorrow night.
Trent: Exactly. Though I _do_ love playing acoustic. It's really different from the electric.
Trent: The way the guitar reacts, and of course, the sound. You touch a string on an electric, you get a sound. With acoustic, you have to _work_ for that sound.
Daria: Ah, so it's a matter of laziness? No wonder you do the grunge thing.
Trent: (laugh/cough) Right. (not wanting make himself sound like a slacker.) Well, I wouldn't mind doing more acoustic stuff, but I don't think it would fit with Mystik Spiral's other stuff.
Daria: Would you ever play out solo?
Trent: Maybe. It'd be a while till I did that, maybe write some original material first. Dylan covers are as bad as Doors covers, you know.
Daria: (smirking) Yeah. A little more accepted, maybe, but it's not 1967 anymore.
Trent: Yeah, "Blowin' in the Wind" just doesn't hold the same power it used to.
Daria: Not after the dove sleeping in the sand got char-grilled at the last Woodstock.
Trent: Heh. Fire. Heh...
Daria: Oh dear God, not you too...
Daria: Some guys I used to know said the same thing about fire. That is, until some little kid in town lit himself on fire after seeing them and they got a court order against using zippos, bics, matches, or any other kind of fire tool.
Daria: Yeah. Deep in the heart of Texas...
Trent: You lived in Texas?
Daria: Yeah, for a few years before we moved to Lawndale. Before that we were in Tarrytown, NY.
Trent: Isn't that near here?
Daria: Yeah, about a 40 minute drive.
Trent: And you've never been to the city before?
Daria: Nope. We weren't there very long, and I was really young. I think I was a couple months shy of six when we moved to Highland. It was a long time ago.
Trent: That's a long trip, Tarrytown to Highland.
Daria: With a four year old Quinn in the back with me? You bet your ass. Speaking of which, I hope Jane's okay.
Trent: She's fine. If she can handle Summer's kids, she can handle Quinn.
Daria: Same emotional maturity?
Trent: No, Quinn could learn from them.
(they smirk and chuckle)
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer kitchen. The phone rings, and Helen picks it up. Split screen with Tom on the other side.
Helen: (in her usual phone falsetto) Hello?
Tom: Uh, Hi Mrs. Morgendorffer. Have you spoken to Daria yet?
Helen: No, Tom, not since last night.
Tom: Oh. Sorry.
Helen: I promise to let her know you called, ok?
Tom: Sure. Uh...did you happen to get the number of the hotel?
Helen: (getting a little worried at Tom's behaviour) No Tom, I didn't.
Tom: Ok well uh...thanks.
Helen: Goodbye, Tom.
(The screen goes back to a full of the Morgendorffer kitchen)
Helen: Three calls in one afternoon...that's just not right.
Cut to: EXT Midtown. Quinn and Jane are walking around seeing the sights.
Quinn: So what's this Rocky Floral thing we're going to tonight?
Jane: Rocky HORROR. It's a campy movie that's shown at midnights on weekends. There's a theater in Lawndale that shows it.
Quinn: Oh I remember now...Kevin and Brittany went once.
Jane: (to herself) Heh, more than that...
Jane: Oh, nothing. I brought a costume, but I think you need one. That is, unless you have a good "freak" costume in your clothing trove up in there?
Quinn: Freak costume? You're kidding, right?
Jane: Sorry, hon. You're coming with us. Assimilation is immediate, and resistance is futile.
Quinn: Oh, hell. I'm not prancing around half-naked for people I don't know.
Jane: (evil) That's exactly what your sister said.
Quinn: (weakly) Oh God...
cut to: EXT St Mark's place again, only this time Quinn and Jane are walking down it.
Quinn: Jane, you have to get me out of here. This place freaks me out!
Jane: Oh, calm DOWN. I'm taking you to the most expensive shop on the street.
Quinn: (relaxes) Good, maybe they can afford to be NORMAL.
Jane: (under her breath) Not bloody likely...
(Jane and Quinn cross the street and walk down three steps to a storefront)
Jane: TA DAH!!! (She holds her arm out "presenting" the sign for Religious Sex. [Author's note: yes, another real store, I'm not making this up.])
Quinn: Jane! You're freaking kidding me!
(Jane positions herself behind Quinn and pushes her inside)
Jane: Deal with it, Gracie.
(They walk inside and Quinn freaks out at all the leather, vinyl and chains etc that are in abundance. She finds her way to the dresses, and suddenly is _very_ glad Jane brought her here. She eyes a light blue spaghetti strap dress with an uneven hem.)
Jane: (seeing where she's looking) Pretty, but not what we're looking for.
Quinn: No fair!
Jane: Please don't say that again.
(Jane finds a pink Renaissance gown that screams Quinn.)
Jane: Hey Quinn, how about this?
Quinn: (impressed) Wow. That's nice. How much?
Jane: You're in luck, it's on sale for $115.
Quinn: Damn! I only have $50 left!
Jane: Oh darn. Guess we'll have to go to one of the less expensive stores on this street...
Quinn: Oooh! I'll se what else they have...
(Quinn spies a pink leopard print faux fur miniskirt. The price tag says $35. She takes it off the rack dejectedly.)
Quinn: (to Jane) Will this do?
Jane: Do you have a black shirt?
Quinn: (dully) Yes.
Jane: It'll do.
(Quinn buys the skirt, honestly scared of the man behind the counter who has many facial piercings. They leave the store, and Jane looks at her watch.)
Jane: Hm. 4:30. We should get back to the hotel. The train we need is over this way... (Jane starts walking west)
Quinn: We have to take the TRAIN? Why can't we take a cab like we did this morning? Or a bus?
Jane: Because the train drops us off right near the hotel, that's why.
Quinn: Fine, but if a skeevy guy comes near me, I'm sending him to you.
Jane: Fair enough.
(cut to: Trent and Daria on the 1 train.)
Daria: Wow, I can't believe I'm going to get to see Poe's house.
Trent: Yeah. That'd be like going to Jimi Hendrix's house in London or something.
Daria: What about his house in Seattle? Or San Francisco?
Trent: Ok, well, any of his houses. Or Jim Morrison. Pick a Jim.
Daria: Uh...snap into a Slim Jim?
Trent: (laugh/cough) Yeah.
Cut to: EXT W 84th street in front of Edgar Allen Poe's house.
Daria: Wow...he lived here. (she sees a sign in front of the door) Uh oh, this doesn't look good.
(Trent walks up and reads aloud)
Trent: "Due to this property being purchased by NYU, all tours and merchandise have been stopped. We apologize for any inconvenience."
Daria: Dammit! (sighs) Oh well, I guess we should head back to Dan Bern's love nest.
Trent: Yeah, we have to meet Janey and your sister soon anyway.
Daria: Have you _ever_ called Quinn by her real name?
Trent: Nope. (looking around) Hey! There's a restaurant called Edgar's!
Daria: How appropriately inappropriate.
(They go over and look at the menu)
Trent: Daria...they have desserts.
Daria: (deadpan) I'm spending all my money on food this weekend, aren't I?
Trent: Come on, we have some time before we have to be back at the hotel.
Daria: Oh all right...
(they walk in and sit down at a table. A waitress comes over.)
Waitress: Hi, can I get you anything?
Daria: Chamomile tea, please?
Trent: Iced tea, please. Oh, and this hot fudge brownie sundae thing.
Waitress: Sure, coming right up.
(The teas come quickly, and the two sip in silence until the waitress comes out with the sundae.)
Trent: Whoa. Think we can manage this?
Daria: Oh, I think we can. (she grins evilly at him)
(They begin to devour the sundae, Trent stopping to watch her eat every once in a while. Soon, the sundae is but a memory. [Author's note: Ha! Bet you thought I was gonna rip off NuitCoeur's Syrup Saga, didn't you? Psych!!!])
Daria: Whew! That hit the spot.
Trent: Yep, nothing like gooey desserts.
Daria: Nope, nothing like 'em.
(Trent gazes at Daria. She looks a little uncomfortable.)
Daria: (coughs) Um, we should head back.
(Trent is startled out of his reverie)
Trent: Yeah. Les' go.
(They leave money and head out.)
Cut to: INT the lobby of the Chelsea Hotel. Quinn and Jane walk in, and in a minute or so, Daria and Trent follow
Jane: Hey you two. Have fun today?
Daria: Well, I got dragged to a shop full of clothes I'd never wear, got bought an outfit that I almost feel naked in, and the Poe house was closed to the public, you?
(Trent starts to look bummed about her recount of the day, but then realises this is her modus operandi)
Jane: (deadly voice) I spent the day with your sister.
Jane: (addressing the four of them) Ok guys, question time: Do you want to get changed now, go to dinner, then hang out downtown until midnight, or go to dinner, come back here and hang out, then get changed and go straight to the movie theater?
Daria: (watching Quinn's panicked face) Um, let's eat first, then come back here. (smirking) I don't think Quinn can take any more of the East Village than she already has to.
Quinn: (mouthing to Daria) Thank you.
Daria: So where to eat, folks? Trent? Any new leads?
Trent: Not if we're staying up here until later. All the restaurants I know are down in the village. (beat) Aside from Don Giovanni.
Quinn: (picking up a New York info pamphlet) Why don't we look at some of these pamphlets? They've got to have-
Trent: (getting an idea) The Hard Rock Café.
Daria: Oh come on, Trent, you're not going to fall for a worldwide franchise like that, are you? Next thing you know, we're going to let Quinn drag us to Planet Hollywood. (Quinn gets a happy expression on her face and opens her mouth, Daria turns to her.) No, Quinn. (Quinn pouts.)
Trent: I dunno, Daria. The Hard Rock Café may be a franchise, but it's the coolest one out there. Come on, they have cool crap to look at, at the very least.
Daria: Fine. Is 7 o'clock good?
Jane: Yeah. Let's reconvene at 7.
(The two pairs of siblings head off to their respective rooms.)
Cut to: INT the Lane room
Jane: So, spill, how'd it go?
Trent: (baffled) I can't tell.
Jane: You can't tell? It's Daria! (Hearing what she's saying) Wait...that's a good reason. Well, surely you must have _some_ idea?
Trent: She seemed totally comfortable around me, but that's how she's been for a while now.
Jane: Either a good point or a bad point. She was always comfortable around Tom. Her civility, on the other hand, was always questionable.
Trent: Right. Well, she also let me buy her an outfit.
Jane: Daria? An _outfit_? Isn't that more suited to the other Morgendorffer?
Trent: (chuckling) Somehow I doubt "that one" would ever wear it.
Jane: So what is it?
Trent: (evil smirk) You'll see. How was your day with Her Highness?
Jane: Fine. I saw her for the half-hour we had lunch and when we got her an outfit for tonight.
Trent: Where'd you take her?
Jane: Religious Sex.
Trent: Ha! How'd you drag her in there?
Jane: Told her it was the most expensive place on the block. Which it is.
Trent: That's playing hardball.
Jane: Yeah, well, Quinn's as stubborn as Daria is, they just apply it in different places. They're surprisingly similar when you get down to it...
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer hotel room. The pink leopard print skirt is on the bed, and Quinn is trying desperately to find a black top to match it. Daria is taking a nap.
Quinn: Ugh! I can't believe I let Jane convince me to do this this!
(Daria wakes up at that screech)
Daria: (sleepily, groping for her glasses) Convinced you to do what?
Quinn: Oh, you're awake. To buy this! (she holds up the skirt)
Daria: (putting her glasses on) God! Oh well, that's not as bad as what Trent bought me.
Quinn: Wait. Trent _bought_ you something?
Daria: Yeah? So?
Quinn: How many meals did you have today, and how many did you pay for?
Daria: Uh...3, but I only paid my way for breakfast and my half of a snack Trent and I had a couple hours ago, why?
Quinn: Not lunch?
Daria: No, why?
Quinn: Oh boy.
Quinn: (fumbling) Uh...what was the outfit Trent got you?
Daria: A costume for Rocky tonight, but what the hell are you talking about?
Quinn: Let me see the outfit!
Daria: If I show you the outfit, will you tell me what the hell's going on?
(Daria gets the Trash Vaudeville bag and lays the shirt and skirt on her bed. Quinn reads the shirt and laughs out loud.)
Quinn: HA!!! That's priceless! (she regains her composure.) Ok, I was talking to Jane today, and she told me something that surprised me, and I think I uh...I...I owe you an apology.
Daria: (wide-eyed) Oh?
Quinn: Well, she told me about that guy you're dating, and I remembered the morning you asked me for advice and I totally blew you off...I'm sorry I didn't realise you really needed my help.
Daria: (touched that Quinn would reconsider her actions) Oh. Thanks. (getting down to business) So what does that have to do with Trent?
Quinn: Isn't it obvious? He likes you, Daria!
Daria: (remembering how she used to feel about him, and how she felt this morning hearing him play guitar) Uhhh...are you sure?
Quinn: Daria, I do whatever I can to make guys buy me stuff. It looks like he did this without you trying at all. What do _you_ think?
Daria: I think you're crazy. (sighs) I'd better call Mom and let her know you didn't get kidnapped on 42nd street.
(She picks up the phone and dials. Split screen to the Morgendorffer kitchen as her mother picks up.)
Daria: Hey Mom.
Helen: Well hello, Daria! Having fun in New York?
Daria: Yeah. It's an interesting place. The Poe house was closed to the public though.
Helen: Oh that's a shame!
Helen: How's Quinn?
Daria: She's fine.
Helen: She still away from my credit card?
Helen: (nervous, concerned)Um...Tom called.
Daria: (feeling a stab of guilt after Quinn's comments about Trent) Oh?
Helen: Three times. You may want to call him, you know, just so he calms down.
Daria: (distantly) Yeah...
Helen: (changing the subject) May I speak with Quinn?
Daria: Sure. (to Quinn) Hey Quinn, Mom's on the phone. (Daria hands her sister the phone and heads into the bathroom.)
Cut to: INT the bathroom. You hear faintly muffled sounds of Quinn on the phone with Helen. Daria stares into the mirror.
Daria: (vo) Well isn't this just an interesting turn of events? I get a boyfriend and Trent develops an interest in me. Must be a record winter in Hell...But why the hell did Tom call so many times?
(Daria turns and leaves the bathroom)
Cut to: INT the room
Quinn: (still on the phone) Ok, sure. (turning around) Daria, Mom wants to talk to you again. (to the phone) Bye Mom! (she hands Daria the phone)
Daria: Hi Mom.
Helen: Hey, just wanted to remind you to call Tom back.
Daria: Yeah, I won't forget.
Helen: Have fun tonight.
Daria: Ok. I'll call you tomorrow.
(The screen goes full again Daria hangs up the phone and sighs heavily.)
Daria: Hey Quinn, can you excuse me a minute? I need to call Tom.
Quinn: Oh. (understanding) Sure. (she leaves the room. Daria picks the phone up again and dials. The screen splits again as Tom picks up in Lawndale.)
Daria: Uh, hi Tom.
Tom: (he sounds too relieved) Daria! How are you?
Daria: I'm good.
Tom: Tell me, how's New York?
Daria: Well, NYU bought the Poe house property and made it off-limits to the public.
Tom: The bastards!
Daria: Yeah, but then Trent and I had tea at this place called Edgar's, so it was ok. Um... (realising she said the wrong thing)
Tom: (uneasy surprise) How's he doing?
Daria: He's ok. He seems really excited for the concert. We have backstage passes, so he's going to get to meet Dan Bern.
Tom: Oh, wow. I'd be excited. (strained voice, probing) So you spent the day with Trent?
Daria: (feeling on the spot) Uh...yeah. Jane didn't want him exposed to Quinn, so she took her today, and I get to babysit tomorrow.
Tom: (trying to keep the conversation light) Ah. I can see how that would be a job you wouldn't want for more than one day.
Daria: Try 16 years.
(They both chuckle)
Tom: (trying one more time, and trying not to sound suspicious) What did you do today?
Daria: (trying to keep her voice from sounding exasperated) Well, Trent showed me around the East Village, then dragged me into some store on St Mark's Place and bought me a costume for Rocky Horror tonight.
Tom: Oh God, he's not dressing like he usually does, is he? (Author's note: for the answer to that, you need to read "Virgin Sacrifice," a coming-soon prequel!)
Daria: Nope, he bought some plaid pants and stuff for it.
Tom: Good. No one should have more than one corset.
Daria: I don't even want to think about the possibilities...
(vo) Yes. Yes I do. Dammit!
Tom: So what's your costume?
Daria: Eh, nothing much. Just a black vinyl skirt and a small black t-shirt.
(vo) With some very suspect writing on it...
Tom: Well that sounds pretty tame. No corset for you?
Daria: Nope. I already broke my own rules with the vinyl. There will be no corsets on my body.
(vo) He can talk me into a piercing but not a corset. Well....maybe he could...Dammit! I've got to stop this.
(there is a knock at the door)
Jane: (OS) Hey Daria! We're going to dinner!
Daria: (thankful for the interruption) Uh, Tom? I gotta go. I'll call you later.
Tom: Ok, bye Daria.
Tom: Can I get the num-
(Tom is interrupted by Daria hanging up the phone. Daria heads out the door, obviously relieved to be off the phone.)
Jane: (seeing Daria's face) Hey, you ok, kid?
Daria: Uh, yeah, fine. (Quinn looks at Daria with a concerned(!) look on her face.) Let's eat.
(The camera follows as the four head outside the hotel and catch a cab going uptown.)
Cut to: EXT the cab driving through NYC up to the Hard Rock Café.
BG Music: "Rock and Roll Lifestyle"-Cake
Cut to: Trent looking around at the hanging records and paraphernalia
Cut to: Jane looking at different art
Cut to: Quinn flirting with another waiter
Cut to: Daria hungrily eyeing a large plate with a burger and fries on it
Cut to: Quinn storming away from the waiter, obviously a repeat of the scene at Don Giovanni's
Cut to: Jane eyeing a plate much like Daria's
Cut to: Trent devouring his dinner
Cut to: Quinn picking at a salad
Cut to: The four of them catching another cab to head back to the hotel
Cut to: The hotel
BG Music ends
Jane: Ok, guys, it's 10pm.
Daria: Do you know where your children are? (Author's note: a local tv station says this every night. It's just funny.)
Jane: Let's get dressed, then meet back here at 11.
(They go to their separate rooms.[with their separate necks])
Cut to: INT The Morgendorffer room. Daria has the vinyl skirt on, and has the top halfway on. Quinn has her skirt on, and is still trying to find a black top to match.
Quinn: Oooh! I know I brought a black top! (she finds a small black tank top) Oh! Here it is!
Daria: At the bottom of your suitcase, right?
Quinn: Yeah, how'd you know?
Daria: (sighs) Just a hunch. (nervously) Um, Quinn? Could you uh...help me with my makeup?
Quinn: OMIGOD!! Makeover!
Daria: Whoa, who said anything about a makeover? I just want to borrow some black eyeliner and make myself look more appropriate for tonight.
Quinn: Wow, Rocky Horror has _got_ to be strange if it's getting makeup onto your face.
Daria: (shrugging) When in Rome...
Quinn: (rummaging in her considerably large makeup case, and coming up with an eyeliner pen) Ummm...here, this will be a good color for the look you're going for. And uh...here's some mascara, too.
(Daria goes into the bathroom and starts working.)
Quinn: (watching her) No! Daria, you're doing it ALL wrong. Here, let me...
(Quinn proceeds to do a surprisingly excellent job of making Daria's eyes look appropriately goth.)
Daria: (impressed) Wow, Quinn, thanks. Where'd you learn how to do eyeliner like this?
Quinn: (blushing) Well, I just sortof watched Andrea do it once. Her clothes sense sucks, but she _does_ have a way with makeup.
(Daria and Quinn look at each other with a degree of regard that isn't usually present between them.)
Cut to: INT the Lane hotel room. Trent is wearing the outfit he bought, and Jane brought her Trannie (Transylvanian) costume with her, so she's putting that on. (black tights, white tuxedo shirt/black vest, buttons on the vest, wild glasses) Trent is at the mirror applying eyeliner himself.
Jane: Nice pants.
Trent: Thanks. Oh yeah, damn you for not telling me we were going to Rocky before we left Lawndale. I could have brought my costume.
Jane: Why do you think I didn't tell you till we got to New York? (shuddering) A girl does NOT need to see her brother dressed like that more than once.
(There is a knock at the door)
Jane: Who is it?
Daria: (os) It's us!
(Jane opens the door. She sees Daria's shirt and smirks)
Jane: Nice shirt.
Daria: Oh shutup, it's his fault. (She points at Trent. Jane looks at him and arches an eyebrow.)
Jane: (thought vo) Way to be subtle, Trent...
(Quinn walks in wearing her skirt and tank top, and her hair is done in an elaborate updo, and her eyes are just as heavily made up as Daria's.)
Jane: (genuinely impressed) Wow, Quinn, you grunge down nice.
Jane: Ok, kids, let's go.
(Trent turns around from where he's been applying the eyeliner. Daria sees him and her eyes widen and she blushes. Jane smirks at this, and Trent's eyes widen imperceptibly.)
Jane: (vo) Gotcha.
Cut to: EXT the Village East Theater on 12th Street and 2nd Avenue. A line is starting outside with people in varying degrees of oddness in their clothes. Trent collects money from Jane, Daria and Quinn, and buys their tickets.
BG Music: "Freak of the Week"-Marvelous 3
Quinn: Wow, how many fashion victims are in this place?
Jane: (looks at Quinn) Well, I see one right now.
(Daria and Quinn glare and Jane, Trent chuckles)
Jane: (holds up palms) Sorry!
Trent: Hey, the line's moving.
(The four go into the building and turn left to the theater where Rocky is playing.)
BG Music: "Bawitdaba"-Kid Rock
(They go down and sit near the front. No one (but us of course) sees as Daria hands the guy running the music a slip of paper. They find four seats on the left. Trent goes in first, then Daria, then Jane, then Quinn. People mill around dancing and finding seats, etc. Soon, the music changes, and a heavyset man stands in front of the screen and starts lipsynching to "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit. That finishes, and a tall dark haired skinny man joins the heavier man up front.)
Music guy: Ladies and Gentlemen...the Two Idiots!
(The tall skinny man and the heavy man start to lipsynch to Weird Al's "Polka Power!" They then switch to "Uncle F**ka" from South Park, and then "Kyle's Mom is a Bitch." When all that ends, another heavyset man, with a shaved head and glasses ambles down the aisle.)
Guy: HOW THE HELL ARE YOU TONIGHT?!?!?!?
(The crowd cheers, but not loud enough)
Guy: I SAID HOW THE HELL ARE YOU!??!
(more cheers, this time it's acceptable)
Guy: Cool. Ok, I'm Big Mike, and welcome to the greatest movie ever! Some of you are here for the first time. Now, maybe you had warning and maybe you didn't. Maybe some of you have seen it before, maybe on VH-1 or Comedy Central. Well guess what? That's not real. That's masturbation. Now, for those of you who were really sneaky and went to Blockbuster and rented it before you got here, well, that's like fucking your brother, we just don't discuss it. Now, some of your friends have written us little notes...
(Big Mike embarrasses a few people before he gets to Daria's note.)
Big Mike: Ok, here's another note..."To whom it may concern: My sister Quinn is here for the first time. Even though announcing we are sisters to a whole audience of people is enough to humiliate her, I'm sure you can do better. Please?" Ok, Quinn, you heard your sister, down front.
(Quinn gasps and is clearly afraid, but goes down front anyway.)
Big Mike: Wow, you are a piece! Ok, next note...
Cut to: a few minutes later when there are 6 people down front.
Big Mike: Ok, you are all Rocky virgins. That means you've never seen it on that big silver thing behind you. Your friends have completely sold you out, and now you get to be contestants in everyone's favourite game...(the audience screams along here)LET'S HAVE AN ORGASM!!!!
(Quinn gets a completely freaked out look on her face)
Big Mike: Ok, Contestant number 1!
(Quinn is caught like a rabbit in headlights, cowering against the screen)
Big Mike: Come on, sweetie, we don't bite. Hard. Nate! Bring her over! (the heavyset man takes Quinn by the arm and drags her down to Big Mike.) Ok, Quinn, give us your loudest, heaviest, hottest orgasm. We want 'em red in the face and wet in the seat.
Quinn: Oh god. Daria, I'll kill you.
Big Mike: That's not an orgasm, come on, honey, let's hear it. (he shoves the microphone in front of her face.)
Quinn: (with an evil smirk.) Ok, here's an imitation of my sister (she says the word like it's bad) having an orgasm. (deadpan.) Oh baby. Oh baby. Oh baby. (with feeling) Ohhh...Trent...
(Daria scowls and turns red as a beet. Jane laughs out loud, and Trent just sinks into his seat. Quinn smirks triumphantly, knowing the humiliation has been returned.)
Quinn: Oh and Daria? Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
(The crowd goes WILD.)
Cut to: a few minutes later after all the other contestants fake their orgasms and are voted on. Quinn blew away the competition.
Big Mike: And the super Rocky virgin of the evening is...QUINN!!!
Big Mike: Give me an R!
Big Mike: Give me an O!
Big Mike: Give me a C!
Big Mike: Give me a K!
Big Mike: Give me a Y!
Big Mike: What's that spell?
Big Mike: LET THIS MOVIE BEGIN!!!!!
(The movie starts, with people shouting things at the screen at the appropriate times. Quinn seems to be getting into it, surprised to see her sister loosening up.)
Cut to: the scene where Janet finds Rocky whimpering in his tank just before she sleeps with him.
Janet: (on the screen) I was feeling done in/couldn't win/I'd only ever kissed before.../(you mean she's?)/I thought there was no use getting/into heavy petting/it only leads to trouble and seat wetting/
audience: (hops up) Oh shit! My seat's wet!
(Author's note: That's the proper audience participation for that line. No, I'm not kidding.)
(as the audience hops up, Trent starts to eye Daria. She notices)
Janet: (at the chorus) touch-a touch-a touch me...I want to be dirty! thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature of the night!
(Daria has noticed Trent's eyes on her and is now in a major decision of her own.)
Daria: (vo) This is wrong. This is very wrong. (another part of her mind) Any more wrong than what you've been doing with Tom for the last month? And he sounded _way_ possessive on the phone. Well what can I expect? We got together under Jane and Trent's noses; of course he's going to be suspicious. (firm) Jealousy sucks, and I won't stand for it. (the original part of her mind) I can't believe I'm even considering this. Oh well, even Janet slept with two guys before her own fiancée...Rocky or the audience? Rocky or the audience? (Daria smirks) Time to get Jane's friendship back.
(Daria turns and looks at Trent. She starts to sing along.)
Daria: Touch-a touch-a touch me...I want to be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!
(Jane watches agape as Trent scoops Daria into his arms and they kiss. She leans over to Quinn.)
Jane: Psst! Quinn! I'm taking Daria's bed tonight!
(Quinn turns to the left to look at Jane and sees Daria and Trent behind her. She gasps, then smiles triumphantly.)
Quinn: (vo) I _knew_ it!!
Foggy fade to: INT the Lane hotel room. Jane's bed is empty, as she is sleeping in Daria's bed. Daria is in bed with Trent, but they're just cuddling. (Author's not: Come on! They just got together; they're not going to have sex YET! Have more faith in OH!)
BG music: "All the lights went out(and I knew)"-Marcy Playground
(Trent watches Daria in his arms as she drifts off to sleep. He watches her for another minute or so, sighs happily, then turns off the light.)
Cut to: Fade into a dream sequence. INT Tom's car. It's raining pretty heavily outside. Daria is dressed like Janet at the beginning of RHPS, and Tom is dressed like Brad. (glasses and all!) They're driving along, and they see a motorcycle go past them.
Daria: Gee, another motorcycle. He's certainly taking his life in his hands on a night like this.
Tom: "Another motorcycle?" That's the first one! Learn to count, Daria.
Daria: (Brittany-esque) Hmmph!
(the car stalls, Tom smacks the seat)
Daria: Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Daria and Tom: (grinning at each other) That's not funny!
Daria: Great, now what?
Tom: Didn't we pass an artist's house with a funky sculpture in the yard a couple miles back? Maybe they have a phone we can use.
Daria: Artists don't have phones, asshole!
Tom: Well, there's no use in us both getting wet.
Daria: Yes there is! The artist in that house may be a beautiful musician (vo) don't worry, he is! (out loud) and he may have a beautiful sister and you might never come back to me! (vo) I should be so lucky!
Fade to: Tom and Daria at the doorstep totally waterlogged. Tom rings the bell.
Tom: Ding dong!
Daria: Asshole calling! Avon couldn't make it! Want to buy some asshole cookies? No thanks, they taste like shit! That's cause they're made from real assholes!
Tom: What the hell are you talking about?
Daria: (startled to realise that was out loud) Oh...nothing.
(The door opens, and it's Trent dressed as Riff-Raff)
Trent: Oh, hey Daria. Hi Tom. You're wet.
Daria: Yes. It's raining.
Trent: You'd both better...come inside. (sly smile at Daria) Though I don't care where you come, Daria, as long as I come, too... (he scowls at Tom)
Cut to: INT the house. Jane is dressed as Magenta.
Jane: Oh, hey Daria, hey Tom. Go into the livingroom, the weird repeating dance is about to start.
(Trent starts singing and everyone follows him into the livingroom.)
Daria: Let's do the same shit again. Yeah, yeah. I've seen this movie, I don't need to dream it.
Quinn: (as Columbia) Yes you do! And anyway, don't dream it, be it! Now watch me tapdance and fall on my ass!
Daria: Eat your heart out, Anne Miller. Who the hell is Anne Miller?
(Lynn Cullen dressed as a Trannie walks towards her)
Lynn: Hi, I'm Anne Miller.
(Author's note: That's Lynn Cullen from Canadibrit's Look-Alike series. I hope to God she doesn't whomp me for this.)
Daria: Is Frank-N-Trent getting here soon?
Trent: (dressed as Frank now) How'd you do I? See you've met my faithful-
Daria: Yes, I know who he is. Can we go to my room with the red gel over the light so we can screw?
Fade to: INT the room with the red gel over the light, post-coital.
Daria: Don't go near the room with the blue light.
Trent: Why would I? I need to bleach my hair and get to the Tank so we can do it again with me as Rocky!
Fade to: EXT the Lane backyard. The Tank is painted in rainbow colours with the back doors open. We can see a bleached-blond Trent asleep in the back wearing nothing but gold bikini briefs.
Daria: Emotion...a powerful aphrodisiac.
(She jumps into the Tank and closes the door. The Tank promptly starts to shake.)
Fade to: the Lane house blasting off. We can see Tom stumbling around in the rubble, and Daria sticks her head out of the window.
Daria: Sayonara, sucker!!!
Cut to: INT the Lane hotel room. Daria sits up in bed.
Daria: (vo) Where the hell am I? (looks down) Oh my god...that would explain the dream. Oh well, who am I to complain? (she snuggles back down onto Trent and goes back to sleep)
Fade to: An empty room. Tom is standing there, and he starts singing Cake's "Daria," but with some of the words switched around.
Tom: When I tried to kiss you
You only bit my tongue
When I tried to get you together
You only came undone
When I tried to tell you
The one for me was you
I was in your mattress
Back in 1982
I won't be soothed
I won't be soothed over,
Like smoothed over,
Like milk, silk, a bedspread, or a quilt
Icing on a cake
Or a serene translucent lake
I won't be soothed
I won't be soothed
When I tried to tell you
Of all the love I had
You were cleaning oil from beaches
Seeing only what was bad
When you tried to feed me
I only shut my mouth
Food got on your apron
And you told me to get out
I won't be soothed
I won't be soothed over,
Like smoothed over,
Like milk, silk, a bedspread, or a quilt
Icing on a cake
Or a serene translucent lake
I won't be soothed
I won't be soothed...
(Daria then runs into the room and starts singing "Chelsea Hotel," but with some of its lyrics switched around as well)
Daria: New love is beautiful/but new love is bad/new love brings back all the old love/that you've ever had/I hope you're at peace with what we've been doing/I hope Jane's been doing well/For God's sake don't try to contact me at the Chelsea Hotel...
End dream sequence. INT, Morgendorffer hotel room Daria sits up in bed, only this time she sees she's back in her own bed in the room with Quinn. She sees Quinn asleep in the bed next to her.
Daria: (quietly) God, what a strange dream...Oh well, that's what diner food at 3am does to me... (she sighs then goes back to sleep)
Cut to: The next morning, around 11am. INT the Lane hotel room. Trent is totally passed out still. Jane is at her easel painting Daria and Trent as Brad and Janet, but at the end of the movie, leaving the mansion together. Tom is in the background depicted as a wheel-chair-less (and therefore stranded) Dr. Scott. She puts the finishing touches on it, then places it aside to dry. She wipes her hands off, then leaves the room.
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer room. We hear knocking.
Daria: (groggily) Mmfff? Whuh? Who is it?
Jane: (os) It's me.
Daria: Hold on...
(Daria drags out of bed and opens the door.)
Daria: Jeez, Lane, you must've had some damn good coffee to be this awake already.
Jane: Ah, the muse hit me. When that happens, it's better than Starbucks espresso.
Daria: Do I even want to know?
Jane: Probably not. Meet me downstairs in 15 minutes, we'll go for breakfast.
(Jane heads downstairs; Daria goes into the shower.)
Cut to: INT the hotel lobby. Daria walks up to Jane.
Daria: Let's go.
Cut to: EXT they're walking along 23rd street looking for a diner.
Daria: I can't believe I'm about to eat diner food again.
Daria: Ohhhh yeah.
Jane: Do I even want to know?
Daria: Let's just say it involved your brother as most of the male characters of Rocky Horror.
Jane: You're right, I don't want to know. Speaking of Mr. Narcolepsy, that was an interesting turn of events last night.
Daria: What can I say? The movie moved me.
Jane: Usually that only happens with theater popcorn.
(they turn into another random diner and sit down.)
Cut to: a few minutes later, they both have huge egg, bacon and toast breakfasts in front of them. After eating with gusto for another minute, they resume talking.
Jane: Who were you on the phone with last night before we left for dinner?
Jane: (seeing right through her) After Helen.
Daria: (hanging her head) Damn you, Lane. (sighs) It was Tom.
Jane: You didn't seem too happy.
Daria: He started getting all suspicious and possessive. It was creepy.
Jane: Well, he knew what he was up against. (smirking)
Daria: Excuse me?
Jane: The Lane charm is just too hard to resist. He knew you'd crack.
Daria: (starting to get mad) Oh God, not all this suspicion crap again...(stopping in her tracks) Wait, I did crack, didn't I?
Jane: Like an egg. Smacked with a meat tenderizer.
Daria: (sighing) Frikkin' Lanes. You all have my number, don't you?
Daria: Not funny.
Jane: So what now?
Daria: (sighing) I don't know. It's like the teacups ride on acid...the situation spins, people switch places, new people step in...So why the hell am I not feeling guilty?
Jane: Because you have an over-developed sense of loyalty, Daria. You've betrayed the betrayer. Which is probably the same reason you were still attracted to Trent in the first place- you simply couldn't let go.
Daria: That's a relief. I was afraid I thought I'd feel guilty over Trent. That, and I was afraid I'd be a back stabber for the rest of my life.
Jane: (raising her orange juice glass) It's good to have you back, Morgendorffer!
Daria: (smirking, clinking her glass with Jane's) Thanks!
Jane: You ready for tonight?
Daria: Yeah. The concert should be good. I'm looking forward to seeing Trent's reaction to meeting Dan Bern.
Jane: Yeah, that should be good. A regular smokers' throat convention.
Cut to: the Lane hotel room. Trent is still passed out in bed.
Cut to: Outside said hotel room, Daria and Jane are at the door. Jane opens the door.
Jane: ...so when he told me seeing you and Tom together was bothering him, I _knew_ this weekend would end like this.
Daria: How were you so sure?
Jane: Because I knew you still had it for him.
(Daria scowls at her. Hearing Daria's voice, Trent starts to float back to consciousness.)
Daria: Trent? You awake?
(Daria creeps over to his bed. Trent rolls over and reaches for her. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her down onto the bed.)
Jane: Wow, he did that only half asleep. Impressive.
Daria: (muffled) Shut it, Lane... (chuckles) No, not you, Trent...
Jane: Um...I think I'm going to leave you two alone for a while.
Daria: That's ok, Jane. Sorry, Trent, but she babysat Quinn yesterday. It's my turn.
Jane: No really, you kids have fun.
(Trent starts to tickle Daria, and starts laughing very loudly)
Jane: (staring) She's laughing loudly. Trent, what are you doing to her?!
Trent: I'm just tickling her, Janey.
Jane: Oh boy. I'm getting Quinn for this.
Daria: hahahha! Jane! Hahhahah! I'll...haahah!...kill you!!!
Jane: Heh, not if I tickle you first!
(she turns and leaves. Trent stops tickling her, but before she can catch her breath, he kisses her deeply.)
Daria: (thought vo) Ohhhh yeah.
(Jane returns with Quinn in tow)
Jane: (coughs) Uh, you stopped tickling her.
Trent: (starting to tickle her again) Sorry, got distracted.
(Daria starts laughing again. Quinn's eyes go wide as anything.)
Quinn: Wow. I've never seen her do _that_ before!
Jane: Trent just discovered it.
Quinn: (realising the implications of this) Oh boy.
Quinn: Tom. I think I'm going to have to help her do damage control.
Jane: Yeah, you would have experience in this, wouldn't you? (Quinn scowls at her) I didn't mean it like that. I mean you've done...er...had to learn...er...You know how to be frikkin' diplomatic with guys, ok?
Quinn: Oh. Yeah.
(Trent has stopped tickling Daria, and she's catching her breath.)
Daria: (panting) Jane...I'll...hang out with...Quinn...today.
Jane: Uh, ok.
(Daria disentangles herself from Trent and climbs off the bed.)
Daria: We'll meet you at the venue at 6?
Cut to: The Morgendorffer hotel room.
Quinn: Daria, you are going to have to deal with some major issues when we get home.
Daria: Yeah. The thing that I don't understand is that I don't feel guilty at all about this. It's the strangest combination of freedom and revenge I could imagine.
Daria: Well, I hooked up with Trent. I had a crush on him for a long time, but it faded. It's the most amazing feeling when you rediscover something like that. It's closure and a new beginning all at once. Also, Trent's changed a lot in the last year, and all for the better. As to revenge, well...Tom made life suck between me and Jane, and I think as much as I like him, I can't ever forgive him for that. It would have been the wedge between us eventually, anyway.
Quinn: I...see. But that doesn't change the fact you're going to have to deal with Tom.
Daria: Uh. Right. Damn. Quinn, what do I do? (beat) Jesus, did I just say that?
Quinn: Ohhhhh yeah. (she smirks)
Cut to: montage sequence
BG music: "Criminal"-Fiona Apple
Cut to: Daria and Quinn sitting in Central Park, Quinn is talking, Daria listening with a shocked expression on her face
Cut to: Daria and Quinn eating lunch at Serendipity's (an upscale ice cream parlour)Daria is talking to Quinn, Quinn has a shocked look on her face
Cut to: Daria and Quinn walking on St. Mark's Place, Daria is looking at the opal necklace again, and again decides against it. Quinn is looking around her suspiciously at the punker kids around her.
Cut to: Times Sq subway station, Trent is busking for change
Cut to: the MoMa, Jane is staring at a Picasso
Cut to: Daria and Quinn walking through Tompkins Sq Park
Music ends. Daria stops dead in her tracks.
Daria: (angry) Dammit!
Quinn: (alarmed) What is it, Daria?
Daria: The guilt just kicked in.
Quinn: Uh oh.
Daria: Yeah, uh oh. Jane was right. I am too loyal. (sighing) I knew this no guilt thing was too good to be true.
Quinn: So now what?
Daria: (angry at herself) I have no frikkin' clue.
Cut to: later that night, the venue. Jane walks up to the ticket office, tells them who she is and gives them her ID. They hand her an envelope with the four tickets and passes. She takes hers out, writes "Daria," "Quinn," and "Trent" on the envelope and hands it back to the guy in the office.
Jane: My brother and two of my friends are coming tonight, but they're not here yet. These are their names, so when they come, can you give them their tickets and passes?
Guy: Sure thing, Miss.
Jane: Thanks. (She walks in the venue and hangs the pass around her neck)
We see Jane walking through the venue, stopping at the merchandise tables. On one of them are Dan Bern CDs and t-shirts, etc. On the other table is an open binder with a blank page for signing up for a mailing list. At the top it reads "Cassie Berkman Mailing list! Sign up today! No spam, we promise!" Next to the binder is a stack of CDs with a young woman on the cover.
Cut to: In the venue in the VIP area. She sees a young woman her own age wearing black jeans, black steeltoe boots and a blue shirt with mah-jong tiles on it. Jane peers at her as though she's familiar. Then it hits her- it's Cassie Berkman. Jane walks over. Jane is impressed to see that Cassie is shorter than Daria, but carries herself like she's 10 feet tall.
Jane: Uh...Cassie Berkman?
Cassie: (turning around) Yo?
Jane: Hi, I'm Jane Lane, I won tickets for tonight through WFUV.
Cassie: Oh that's you! Cool. I heard you were from out of town.
Jane: Yeah, Lawndale.
Cassie: Oh I know that place. McGrundy's and the Zen, right?
Jane: Uh-huh. My brother plays those places.
Cassie: Cool. My manager wanted to book me there, so I checked them out. I nearly broke my foot off in his ass for attempting to book me at grunge clubs.
Jane: Yeah, the folk thing wouldn't go over too well there I don't think.
Cassie: Hopefully when I write my grunge album I'll play there, but that won't be anytime soon. I suck on electric guitars.
(Trent walks in and walks over to Jane.)
Trent: Hey Janey. Hi uh...?
Cassie: (putting out her hand) Cassie Berkman, the 'mater magnet.
Cassie: Opening act.
Trent: Oh, cool! I'm Trent, Jane's brother. What kind of guitar do you have?
Cassie: (wistful look) Sigma Martin acoustic electric. It's blue. It's my baby.
Trent: Cool. That's a nice line.
Cassie: Yep. Has the sweetest sound I've ever heard out of a guitar.
Trent: (seeing a bald man) Hey, is that Dan Bern?
Cassie: Yep, that's ol' Bernstein in the flesh.
Trent: Is he good to tour with?
Cassie: Yeah. His stories about Ani DiFranco have me falling on my ass laughing.
Trent: Ani Di-who? [Author's note: Trent was asleep when Jane was playing Ani DiFranco in the Tank. So far as he knows, he has never heard her before.)
Cassie: Awesome chick singer. Check her out.
Trent: Ah. Well, excuse me, I'm gonna go talk to him.
Cassie: See ya 'round, Trent.
(Cassie watches him as he walks off.)
Cassie: Nice ass.
Jane: Hey, that's my brother!
Cassie: Er, uh...sorry. He seeing anyone?
Jane: My best friend.
Jane: (smirking) As of last night.
Cassie: Damn! I'm about 12 hours too late, huh?
Cassie: If you tease someone you just met like that, I'd hate to be your best friend. Wait, she's the one dating him. Dammit. Need a new best friend? (smirks. Jane smirks back.)
Jane: I'll let you know if a position opens.
(Daria and Quinn walk in)
Jane: Hey Daria! C'mere, I want you to meet someone.
(Daria and Quinn walk over.)
Daria: Hi, I'm Daria, and this is my sister Quinn.
Cassie: Hey, I'm Cassie. Nice boots. (smirking, Cassie pulls up a pant leg to show identical boots on her own feet.)
Quinn: (horrified) God, the disease is spreading.
Cassie: What, steel toes? Nah, they're an old standard. I mean, they're comfy as hell.
Jane: That's what I always said.
Cassie: Except for the first month after you buy them...then it's nothing but bandaids and ace bandages until your ankles stop bleeding.
Daria: Something like that. (looking around) Trent here yet?
Cassie: Ah, you're the best friend?
Daria: (suspiciously) Yeah, why?
Cassie: (catching the vibe) Oh, nothing. Jane was telling me you two just got together. You're lucky, Daria.
Cassie: (grinning) Well, it just warms my heart to know that there is a healthy love of skinny men in this country.
Jane: Do I want to be hearing this? I really don't want to be hearing this.
Cassie: Right. I keep forgetting he's your brother. (turning to Quinn) You probably think he's too skinny and too grungy, right?
Quinn: (taken aback by such bluntness) Uh...
Cassie: Don't worry about it, once you hit college you'll find your niche. (whispers to Daria and Jane) That's where the frat boys are.
Cassie: Well, Jane, Daria, Quinn, it's been nice meeting you, but I have to go schmooze so I know at least the record producers are listening to my set. See ya later! (she walks away)
Quinn: What a strange girl!
Daria: She has good taste in men.
Jane: I-i-i-i-i-i-i like her!
Cut to: Trent talking to Dan Bern in another part of the room
Trent: I know it's not cool to ask this sort of thing, but it's kindof special.
Dan Bern: (mock boredom) What song do you want me to play and dedicate to your girlfriend?
Trent: (grinning) "Chelsea Hotel." We're from out of town and my sister thought it would be cool to stay there.
Dan Bern: (smirking) I take it you want to follow my lead before you go home tomorrow, huh?
Trent: (grinning more broadly) I wouldn't mind...
Dan Bern: How does second encore sound?
(They shake on it.)
Cut to: The concert itself. Cassie is now onstage in the same jeans but with a leopard print shirt with a lace-up collar. She opens with "Searching for Cheryl Sickels"
Cassie: I met Cheryl when I was eleven
my first summer at that place
We'd both found our safe haven
She knew helicow, I was all about bushbear
It took us a while, but we kept in touch
all through out the year
Next summer I didn't see her much
after that, she wasn't there
One august evening she appeared
black coat on a summer night
covered in ivy from ear to ear
she wrote her address on my arm
I never saw her again
Oh Cheryl when I'm famous please come to a show
you'll be on every guest list you know
I watch for you where ever I go
and when I see your face, I'll know
She opened my eyes to a world I'd love
I wasn't ready yet, I guess
Each year goes by I wonder where you are
Every summer I hope you appear
I want you to see who I've become
I'm not much different, but the changes are there
you'll recognize me now- I've cut my hair
short as it was when I was 11, you were 13
you were my teacher, I've yet to find another
much like a sister, in some ways a mother
again, I've yet to find another
Oh Cheryl when I'm famous please come to a show
you'll be on every guest list you know
I watch for you where ever I go
and when I see your face, I'll know
In my dreams, we meet again
on a bus, or in Harvard Square
but sadly, I've never seen you there
on a summer street in Boston
One day I'll turn around, and you'll be there
we'll hug and say hello
Oh Cheryl when I'm famous please come to a show
you'll be on every guest list you know
I watch for you where ever I go
and when I see your face, I'll know
I'll give you a hug
yeah, I'll know
when I see your face, I'll know
(the crowd claps politely.)
Cut to: Later in the set
Cassie: Well, I didn't want to bust out with more than one cover tune tonight, but I met a wonderful guy backstage who made me think of playing this song. A chat with his girlfriend convinced me to play it. Ladies and gentlemen, Megan Carberry's classic, "I Like Skinny Men."
(singing) Oh they're speculatin' and contemplatin' about what makes a man
well if it's muscle tone and a cellular phone, well then I don't give a Jean Claude Van Damme
You'll never get me swappin' spit with the man in the batman suit
but if you're long and straight and underweight
well then I think you're pretty cute!
La la la la la la la la oh I'll say it again
La la la la la la la la oh I like skinny men
You'd think the man with the buck in his hand is the one who'd get first dibs
oh but oh honey, I ain't countin' money- I'm counting your ribs
You'd think the boy with the biggest toy is the one who'd catch my eye
but I'll be the pet of any guy who can get
his finger and thumb around his thigh
La la la la la la la la oh I'll say it again
La la la la la la la la oh I like skinny men
So skinny guy oh don't you cry into your herbal tea
there's a lot of girls in this crazy world and some of them think like me
so don't get depressed about your sunken chest or your lack of muscle tone
If you were here I'd whisper in your ear:
"I'd love to jump your collar bones."
La la la la la la la la oh I'll say it again
La la la la la la la la oh I like skinny men
La la la la la la la la oh I'll say it again
La la la la la la la la oh I like skinny men
Mick Jagger...Bruce Lee...Bill Nye the Science Guy! (purr)
(The crowd ROARS at this song. Daria and Trent are red as beets.)
Cassie: That one was for you, Daria and Trent. Ok, this is my last song in the set. Yeah, yeah, you're all applauding that I'm getting off the damn stage. Well, before I go, I'm going to give homage to the mere fact I'm HERE tonight, and I'm going to sing the song that got me vocal lessons at my college, that got me the record deal, that got me here tonight. So, the second cover song of the night. This one's by Andrew Lloyd Weber.
I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways
He's just one more...
Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love?
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so...
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?
Yet if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so
(During all of this, Daria's eyes have slowly acquired the haunted look they got after she and Tom kissed for the second time in DDMD. As the song ends, the audience goes nuts, and Cassie takes her bows and leaves the stage.)
Daria: Uh, be right back. (she runs to the bathroom, not realising it's the VIP bathroom.)
Cut to: INT the VIP bathroom. Cassie is standing washing her face, then lights a cigarette. Enter, Daria.
Daria: Oh! Excuse me!
Cassie: S'ok. Enjoy the set?
Daria: Yeah. That skinny man song was too much.
Cassie: Mp3.com, look for Megan Carberry. That's one I'd expect you'd want on your hard drive.
Daria: (distantly) Yeah...
Cassie: You ok, babes? I mean, I know I don't know you from Adam, but you seem a little troubled.
Daria: (in the aftermath of a "Killing Me Softly" moment, with the chance to open up to the musician who did it.)Uh...sortof. That last song you played? The show tune? It...really hit a nerve.
Cassie: Even more than "Skinny Men"? Wow, I must've been batting a thousand tonight. Want to talk about it?
Daria: Well...it's complicated. It boils down to this: Best friend's boyfriend kisses me, I like it. Too much. Said boyfriend and I start going out-after an afterthought breakup-, best friend and I don't see each other till this past week. She invites me to New York for this concert. I realise I still have feelings for her brother. Said brother and I make out in the middle of Rocky Horror last night. The guilt of cheating on the boyfriend (bitterly)- the boyfriend I got when he cheated on my best friend- finally thwaps me this afternoon. The last song you played reminded me of how confusing my feelings for Trent are. But the backstory explains it a lot more, too.
Cassie: (slightly dumbfounded) I...see. (gaining understanding) I won't ask you to dissect Trent or your boyfriend, or yourself. You've probably been doing that enough recently. What you _should_ do is think about what situation makes _you_ happier. And frankly, if Jane is involved in that decision, don't do it for Jane, but for what Jane does for _you._ Friendships are a hard thing to gain. Why do you think I've been looking for Cheryl for the last five years?
Daria: You mean that wasn't just a song?
Cassie: Hell no. She was probably the first real friend I had who understood me, so I suggest taking Jane's effect on your life into account. Boyfriends come and go, but friends-and brothers- (she makes a big wink) are pretty permaanent.
Daria: Thanks, Cassie. I appreciate it.
Cassie: No thanks necesarry, just buy my album, I need the royalties. (she smirks)
Daria: Will do. And I'll see what I can do about finding Cheryl Sickels for you.
Cassie and Daria: God bless the Internet!
Cassie: See you around.
Daria: Bye. (Daria leaves the bathroom.)
Cassie: What a cool chick.
Cut to: INT the merchandise table. Trent and Jane are signing up for Cassie's mailing list and buying CDs. Quinn is milling around near them.
Trent: Uh, Janey? Did Daria seem a little...distant since we got to the concert?
Jane: How so?
Trent: Well, she insisted on standing between you and Quinn during Cassie's set, and wouldn't look at me.
Jane: Dunno. Hey Quinn, do you have any clues?
Quinn: Uh... (trying to think of a lie really quickly)
Jane: No lies, Princess Grace, spill it.
Jane: Whoa. Slow down, Gracie. Say that once more?
Quinn: (breathing deeply) She all of a sudden felt guilty about cheating on Tom.
Jane: Damn her and her loyalty! It always kicks in at the wrong times!
Trent: (looking hurt) It's okay, Janey. (it obviously isn't) I was expecting this. (he obviously wasn't) I'll...be ok.
Jane: You sure?
Trent: (with effort) Yeah. I'll be back... (he walks away)
Jane: (absently) It's not your fault...
(Daria walks up with a much-improved air about her.)
Jane: (dry, angry) Hey yourself. Why didn't you tell me you suddenly felt guilty about Trent?
Quinn: I'm sorry Daria...Trent got all suspicious and I let slip what you told me and-
Daria: Dammit, Quinn! I was just talking with Cassie and she helped me put things into perspective. Ah hell, now I have to deal with Trent. Where'd he go?
Jane: Um...last I saw, the Men's room. My guess would later be the bar. Be careful, Daria. This could get worse before it could gets better.
Daria: (sighing) I guess I'll leave him alone for a bit then. Dan Bern's about to go on, anyway.
(They walk back into the room the concert is in and stand waiting for Dan Bern to come out. He emerges with his guitar and starts playing. He opens with "Jerusalem." [Author's note: I'm not going to put the lyrics here because it's not a song that has to do with the story, but I'm trying to plug Dan Bern as much as I can. Go check him out, he rocks.])
Cut to: later in the set. Trent has been at the bar and is a bit sloshed. He ambles over to Jane, Daria and Quinn.
Trent: (not slurring, but clearly inebrieated) Hey.
(he stands next to Jane, Daria's on the other side of her, with Quinn next to Daria.)
Dan Bern: This next song goes out to the most important woman in my life. My sister.
Cut to: The chorus
Dan Bern: And where would Willie Mays have been without Jackie Robinson?/And who can say what I'd been/Without you to lead the way/ Trust yourself/nd you can do anything/his I give to you....
(Daria and Quinn look at each other during the choruses and that look of regard is in their faces. Daria's face still holds a bit of the anger for telling Trent about her guilt, but there is an unmistakable look of love and forgiveness there, too. Trent has his arms totally around Jane, and she's reciprocating. The bond they have is fiercely echoed in the song. The two sets of siblings respectfully ignore each other during these displays, but it's obvious there is great meaning in these moments. When the song is finished, there is loud applause and cheering from the Morgendorffer-Lane section of the room.)
Dan Bern: Thank you very much. This next song is about when you love someone so much...that you do nothing but fuck up.
Because I love you I get
tongue tied around you
I never say smart stuff around you
I never say anything around you
That makes you want to be with me
So, because I love you I will never be with you
There's plenty other people
Who I always find the words for
That I have the sweet gift of gab for
That I'm magical and good for
Who because I do not love them
Always want to be with me
Everything I say is true
So there's nothing we can do
Then what the Hell I'll say to you
Let me have one dance with you
I recognize the look
In my eyes when I see you
It's the look of one who loves you
Who wants nothing except to be with you
It is not the look that often
Gets returned in kind
Same old tales ain't nothing new
What the Hell's a soul to do
But maybe you can help me through
Giving me one dance with you
One dance with you
Why do all the rules I make
About how to act around other people
Like don't write them private notes
Trying to explain your foolish actions
Like not hanging around
For hours after it's obvious
That your presence ain't desired
Like names are not important
So if someone forgets your name
They're forgetting something intangible
That has nothing to do with you
So it's stupid to feel bad
If someone forgets your name
Why do all the rules I make
About how to act around other people
Always fall by the wayside
When I get around you
There ain't no more carrot stew
That old sky ain't never blue
That's a lie but this is true
All I want's one dance with you
My bed's unmade
My stuff's askew
I ain't heard the dumbest clue
I just want to squeeze on through
By getting one more dance with you
Stick it while there's still some glue
Move that stuff while there's a crew
Before I stumble someplace new
Let me have one dance with you
(During this song, Trent is literally STARING at Daria. She is staring back, hoping to convey the fact that she's sorted out her brain. Trent gets a determined look on his face and walks over to Daria and takes her by the arm. He starts dancing with her.)
Trent: (vo) So there's nothing we can do/Then what the Hell I'll say to you/Let me have one dance with you...
(They wordlessly dance, Trent obviously trying to capture the last moments he thinks he's going to have with her. Daria is dancing awkwardly. (come on, do you really think she's used to that?!?)As she gets into the rhythm of the song, she gets more and more daring and then, to Trent's surprise, wraps her arms around his neck. As Dan Bern belts the last line, she kisses him deeply. The song ends, and Daria ends the kiss.)
Daria: Feel better.
Trent: (absolutely stunned) Yes.
(Jane and Quinn grin at each other, knowing that Quinn didn't ruin things after all. The set closes with "Thanksgiving Day Parade," a ten minute epic that induces mass swaying from the crowd. Trent reaches into his pocket for his lighter, and starts a trend as several people do the same.)
Dan Bern: Thank you so much, I'm Dan Bern.
(The crowd applauds as he leaves the stage, then comes back for the first encore. He plays "Rolling Away," then leaves again. He takes the stage a last time.)
Dan Bern: I want to thank you all for spending your Saturday night with a cocky bastard like me. I don't deserve you folks. This song goes out to a man who's staying at a wonderful place. The Chelsea Hotel. (He grins right at Trent, who grins back and hugs Daria's shoulders. The crowd, also, goes nuts.)
I can still smell tobacco on my fingers
my breath reeks of pot and wine and sex
my eyes open up like they haven't in years
so I don't miss whatever happens next
you call me a thief, all right, I'm a thief
grab your summons and come and ring my bell
I'll be making love with my baby in the Chelsea Hotel
I told you to meet me at 8 o'clock
I said I'd be drinking at the bar
I drove between Newark and LaGuardia
trying to return a rented car
we keep missing connections today
tomorrow would be just as well
I gotta go make love with my baby in the Chelsea Hotel
I've been wanderin' all around your neighborhood
my former love
you seem as far away and sad to me
as those rain clouds above
I hope you're happy in whatever you're doing
I hope you're doing well
Please don't try to contact me at the Chelsea Hotel
I was starting to think
The world was gonna end when the calendar turned
but you're here and I can see the future baby
and they can let the calendar burn
New love is beautiful
but new love is sad
new love brings back all the old love
that you've ever had
I put out a casting call
and you cast a spell
and we're practicing for the millenium
making love at the Chelsea Hotel
So who knows what tomorrow brings?
But I know where I'll be waking up
Let's just listen to our breath tonight
and the breeze through the window you opened up
I can hear our hearts beating
which is yours which is mine
who can tell?
Just another day of making love at the Chelsea Hotel
Spend all our days making love at the Chelsea Hotel
(The crowd roars and applauds)
Thank you, everyone. Safe home.
(Daria and Trent kiss again.)
Daria: Thank you, Jane, this was wonderful.
Jane: I just won the tickets, I think you had the best time of all of us.
Daria: Yeah, well...
Cut to: INT the VIP room.
BG Music: "Everything Sucks," Reel Big Fish
Quinn is finally making some headway with a guy, and Jane, Daria and Trent are talking with Dan Bern and Cassie Berkman.
Cassie: It was great meeting you guys. Makes me wish I'd actually played those shows in Lawndale.
Jane: No one is any reason to be in Lawndale.
Daria: Amen to that.
Cassie: (grinning mercilessly) But if you'd never moved to Lawndale, you never would have met Trent...
Jane: Cassie, you have officially out-snarked me. Impressive!
Daria: Welcome to our twisted little corner of the world.
Cassie: Ok, great. But whose brother do I get?
Jane: Well, I hear Wind just got another divorce...
Trent: Come on, Janey, she doesn't deserve _that_.
Jane: Darn. Good sisters in law are so hard to come by!
(Cassie laughs out loud, Trent and Daria just cough and look at their shoes.)
Cassie: Man, I am going to have to play Lawndale reeeaal soon.
Cut to: INT the Lane hotel room. Daria and Trent are cuddling in bed for real this time. Jane walks out of the bathroom in her pjs.
Jane: Don't mind me, I'm just passing through!
Cut to: INT the Morgendorffer hotel room. Enter, Jane.
Quinn: Oh, hey. Where's Daria? (Jane gives her a _look_) Ohhhhhh! (Quinn giggles. She and Jane get into bed and go to sleep.)
Cut to: INT the Lane hotel room. The next morning. Pan across the room to Daria and Trent, asleep in each others' arms. Daria floats to consciousness.
Daria: (thought vo) Mmmf. Where am I? (looks down) Oh God, not again. Wait...I'm not dreaming. Hmmm...(she smirks. She looks at the clock.) Hmm...it's 10am. We should get-
Jane: Come on you two, wakey wakey! We have another long drive ahead of us! Jeez, Daria, narcolepsy isn't contagious!
Daria: Sure it is, come a little closer and I'll put you to sleep.
Jane: Ha ha. Seriously though, we should leave by 11.
Daria: Ok, I'll wake (gazes lovingly) _him_ up.
Jane: Gah! He's my BROTHER, folks! I don't want to hear this!
(Jane beats it out of the room while Daria just smirks. We see Daria lean over Trent as the camera pans back out of the room and the door shuts.)
Cut to: The lobby, 10:45, Quinn is struggling with her suitcases again. Jane is checking out, and Trent went to get the Tank. Quinn puts her suitcases down and sits in a chair. Daria walks over to a phone booth and calls home.
Cut to: INT Morgendorffer residence, Lawndale. The phone rings, and Helen picks up.
(Split screen to Daria in the phone booth.)
Daria: Hi, Mom. Just calling to let you know that we're just checking out, and we'll be on the road shortly.
Helen: Good, I miss you girls!
Daria: (blushing) Uh...thanks.
Helen: (taking on a serious tone) Daria, did you call Tom back?
Daria: Yeah, why?
Helen: Oh. Because he kept calling after I talked to you. He even called at midnight and woke me and your father up.
Daria: Uh...well, I did call him. If he calls again, let him know I'm on my way.
Helen: You may want to talk to him. He's getting a little uh...worrisome.
Daria: Right. (thought vo) This is going to get worse before it gets better. (out loud) Ok, well, I'm gonna go. See you later, Mom.
Helen: Bye sweetie.
(they hang up, and we go to a full screen of the Morgendorffer's.)
Helen: I hope this doesn't present a problem...
Cut to: The lobby of the Chelsea Hotel again. Daria walks over to Quinn and sits down.
Quinn: You know, what you did this weekend, with Trent, I mean...that took a lot of guts.
Quinn: Yeah. You knew Tom was starting to be a bad idea, and you went for what you really wanted.
Daria: And this makes me brave how?
Quinn: Because it may not have worked out. He may not have been interested.
Daria: So then what was all that talk, "Daria, he did this for you, he did that for you, he wants you!"?
Quinn: (blushing) Uh...encouragement? (seriously) When Jane told me the whole story about Tom, I knew he wasn't someone who would keep you happy for long. Not without Jane and Trent--if even only in friend form--in your life. Then I heard you on the phone with him and...I knew you had to get out of there. I did the jealous boyfriend thing once. It wasn't fun.
Daria: Did Mom and Dad know? About the jealous boyfriend thing?
Quinn: Mom found out, but only after the fact. She heard me on the phone with Stacy.
Daria: Well, at least there _was_ an "after the fact."
(Trent walks in.)
Trent: Hey. (He looks at Quinn) Can I speak to Daria alone?
Quinn: Sure. (she gets up and walks over to Jane. Trent sits down.)
Trent: Daria, I can't tell you what this weekend has meant to me. It's going to inspire many songs, I'm sure. But...before that happens I uh...I bought you this. (he takes out the opal necklace and places it in her hand. Daria is clearly speechless. He closes his hand over hers.) Come on, let's get in the car. (He walks away, and she sits there still in a daze. Jane walks over.)
Jane: Earth to Daria, come in Daria? Yo, Morgendorffer!
Daria: (snapping back into focus) Oh, hey. Let's go.
Jane: What did Trent say?
Daria: Don't make me repeat it...it's too romantic.
Jane: Heh. Hey, what's that in your hand? (Daria's hand unclenches, revealing the necklace.)
Daria: Oh...an opal necklace Trent bought me. He must have seen me looking at it when we were on St. Mark's.
Jane: Wow, that's pretty. Impressive, too. I haven't seen him do the "give her jewelry" thing in years.
Jane: Yeah, some fight with Monique about finding a ring he'd given her in the back of his friend's car. It was an ugly fight.
Daria: Weren't they all?
Jane: Eh, some more than others.
(Daria and Jane get up and walk toward the door.)
Cut to: INT The Tank. Trent is driving, Daria's shotgun, Jane and Quinn are in the back.
Cut to: EXT The Tank. They are driving out of the Lincoln Tunnel.
Jane: Goodbye New York! Hello...New Jersey? Dammit!
BG Music: "Banditos"-The Refreshments
Cut to: INT The Tank, Daria, Jane and Quinn are asleep, Trent is fighting sleep.
Cut to: INT The Tank, Trent is curled up with Daria in the back, Jane's driving and Quinn's got shotgun.
Cut to: INT The Tank, Trent and Jane are asleep in the back, Daria's driving and Quinn's got shotgun.
Cut to: INT The Tank, Trent's driving, Daria's got shotgun, Jane and Quinn are asleep in the back.
Cut to: EXT the Morgendorffer driveway. The Tank pulls up at the curb and sees a familiar blue Pinto in the driveway.
Cut to: Daria
Daria: Oh hell. Quinn, get your stuff and go inside. I'll deal with this.
(Quinn does so. Daria gets her bag and steps out of the car with an air of purpose after Quinn is safely inside.)
Daria: Hello, Tom.
Tom: Hey, Daria. Have a good time?
Daria: Yeah. Uh...Tom?
Tom: (wary) Yes, Daria?
Daria: Uh...it's not working out between us. I'm sorry.
Tom: Yeah, I sortof figured.
Daria: So uh...you're okay?
Daria: Ok, well...uh...see ya. (She picks up her bag and walks toward the front door. Tom charges her. However, Trent had been expecting that, so he was out of the car in a shot to pull Tom off of her.)
Trent: Let go of her you hyperintellectual scum!
Daria: Trent! Let go of him!
Trent: He was attacking you!
Daria: (icy) Let. Him. Go. (Trent complies. Daria walks up to Tom who's obviously scared both of Trent, and after hearing her voice, Daria. She slaps him across the face.)
Daria: Tom, leave. Go now. Never come back here. Leave me, my family, and my friends alone. Go to your ivy-choked college and let the ivy choke _you._ Piss off.
(Tom sees the menacing looks Trent, Daria, Jane (who has come out of the Tank), and Quinn (who came back outside when she heard the ruckus) are giving him.)
Tom: Uh...(He turns and runs like Count Rugen in the Princess Bride. (you know, when he encounters Inigo Montoya). Jane, Daria and Trent crack up. Trent walks over to Daria and puts an arm around her shoulders.)
Trent: Nicely handled, Daria.
Daria: Yeah, I don't think he'll be around here anymore.
Jane: Hey Trent, mission accomplished. (she winks, Trent grins back, Quinn grins, too.)
PHEW!!! Am I glad that is done! This fic was started as merely
an idea after getting earwormed with Chelsea Hotel, the song, while
at work this past summer. I sat down and started writing, and the whole
thing ran away from me. What had started out as a simple travel-and-shipper fic, ended as an epic "have to fit it into Season Four" fic. The entire Rocky Horror scene was created almost entirely for the dream sequence, an idea I got at RHPS one night.
I was originally hoping to have this thing done before IIFY? came out, or, more precisely, before I started college. Well, no such darn luck! I've been here for a month, and NOW is when I finish. Ah well, them's the breaks. But now, for your reading pleasure is a 72-page epic full of action and dialouge and more than I ever thought I could write. Quick thanks to Jordan Bassior, Lady Interference, Diane Long and Crazy Nutso for beta reading and helping me. If it weren't for Diane Long, Trent would have had much more to say than he should have. ; )
Keep an eye out for my upcoming prequel fic: "Virgin Sacrifice"!
(Available now at Outpost Daria in its "not in this continuum" form, if you want to ruin the surprises!)
-Jill Friedman, the Leopard Lady 9/18/00