BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!

By M Man

(This episode takes place the day after "One J at a Time")

OPENING THEME

La la la la la
This is my stop
Got to get off
I may go pop
Excuse me! Excuse me!
I've got to be direct
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck

Daria in "Brother, I Asked for It!"

SEGMENT 1 OF "BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!"

(Jane's room at Lane residence. Jane is painting at an easel. Daria is lying on Jane's bed, looking up at the ceiling.)

Daria: Jane, what's it like to have a brother?

Jane: (amused) What?

Daria: I don't have a brother. You do. What's it like?

Jane: Actually, I have two brothers. What do you mean, what's it like? All brothers are different.

Daria: Well, it's ..... (hesitates)

Jane: Ah, it's about Tom.

Daria. Sort of. I think that if I'd grown up with a brother in the family, I'd understand guys, uh, Tom better. Last night we had Tom and Quinn's boyfriend du jour, Jeffy, over for dinner. The evening ended with Tom, Jeffy and my father running off catching squirrels and go-kart racing and ...

Jane: Well, I don't know how I can help. Doesn't sound like something Trent would do. Or Wind. Guys aren't all alike, Daria. In fact, I remember one time when my parents took us to this amusement park and there were go-karts there ....

(Daria starts to doze off.)

... and, would you believe it, Trent and Wind and Dad weren't interested at all and Mom and me and my sisters all got in the go-karts ...

(Daria starts snoring. Jane notices.)

... and, um, I guess you're not interested, huh?

(Jane looks at Daria, shrugs, and continues painting.)

(SCENE - DARIA IS DREAMING. Outide shot of Morgendorffer house. )

Helen's voice: Daria! Breakfast!

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM. Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen and Jake are at the breakfast table. Daria comes in and sits down.)

Helen: Have some toast, Daria. Where's that brother of yours? QUINT!!

Daria (thought VO): Brother? Quint?

(Quint enters the kitchen. He's tall, athletically built, and has red hair. Helen gets up to get Quint's breakfast from the counter.)

Quint: Hi, Mom, Dad, Sis! (He sits down at the table)

Daria: Uh, hi, uh, Quint.

Daria (thought VO): I know I'm dreaming. (Looks at Quint, Helen, Jake). But the question is, are *you* three dreaming?

Helen: Here's your breakfast, Quint!

(The breakfast consists of an omelet, pancakes, sausage, bacon, and hash brown potatoes.)

Quint: Thanks, Mom! (starts to eat enthusiastically)

Daria (thought VO): Note to self: brothers eat more food than sisters. A lot more.

Jake: Big game against Oakwood Friday, eh, Quint? But you guys'll be up for it.

Quint: Yeah, Dad, I was a little worried when the QB got his bell rung in practice Monday and missed Tuesday's practice. But he's OK.

Daria (thought VO): Quint plays *football*??

Daria: Uh, yeah, you don't want to take the field without Kevin.

Jake and Quint: Kevin??!!

Quint: Look, Sis, I know you're not into sports, but you *do* go to Lawndale High and *must* know that Kevin's the backup quarterback. Randy is the starter.

(Daria looks at Quint, stupified.)

Quint: Randy *Griffin*! Two-year junior starter! Do you *ever* get your nose out of a book?

Daria (thought VO): *Randy* Griffin? Oh, God, this dream is too weird.

Daria: And I suppose there are football players named Rowe and Blum-Deckler?

Jake: See, Quint! Daria knows the whole backfield! She was just pulling your leg about Kevin starting!

Quint (with mild sarcasm): Yeah, good one, Sis. Ha, ha.

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM. Daria walking through the upstairs hallway. She pauses by Quint's room and looks inside.)

Daria: Well, this is different. No pink.

(The room is strewn with athletic equipment - visible are a football, a baseball bat, a basketball, and golf clubs. There's a large Lawndale football schedule posted on the bulletin board. There are a couple pictures of football, baseball and basketball teams posing for team pictures. There's also a picture of Quint with several cheerleaders.

Quint comes up behind Daria and brushes past her as he walks into his room.)

Quint: I don't have any books in here, if that's what you're looking for.

Daria: Uh, no.

Quint: If my girlfriend calls, put her through. Otherwise, I'm not home.

Daria: Your girlfriend?

Quint: Geez, Daria, where's your head today? Brittany! Brit-tan-ny! Put her through if she calls, OK? She's kinda mad at me, I'd like to smooth things over.

Daria: Uh, sure.

(Quint closes the door, leaving Daria outside in the hall.)

Daria (to herself): Brittany? My brother dates Brittany?

(SCENE - Jane painting at her easel. Daria asleep on the bed, tossing and turning and mumbling.)

Jane: That must be *some* dream, Daria!

(Jane leans over to listen closer.)

Jane: You're dreaming about *Brittany*? Morgendorffer, some days I just can't figure you out.

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - At the Lawndale football game. Upchuck, the PA announcer, is introducing the starting lineups.)

Upchuck: ... and, in the backfield, starting at halfback, number 32, Quint Morgendorffer! At fullback, number 41, Biffy Blum-Deckler! At flanker-back, number 45, K. C. Rowe! And the starting quarterback, number 11, Randy Griffin!

(Use your imagination as to what they all look like :-) )

(SCENE - Overhead shot of field, with a play in progress. A handoff to Quint results in a touchdown.)

(SCENE - In the stands, we see Jake, Helen and Daria. Jake and Helen stand up to cheer.)

Jake: All righhttt!! That's my boy! Touchdown!

Helen: Go, Quint!

(Daria looks amazed.)

(SCENE - The extra-point try succeeds.)

(SCENE - The Lawndale offense coming off the field after scoring. Randy, Quint, K. C. and Biffy are together.)

Randy: What was the meaning of asking the coach to try the halfback-pass play? I'm the quarterback, I'll do the passing ...

Quint: Randy, they were letting K. C. wide open when you pitched me the ball.

Biffy: Yahhh. Wide opennn ...

Randy: I supposed you think you can pass better than I can ...

K. C.: What Quint's trying to say is ...

Randy: Shut up, Rowe!

K. C.: Sorry.

Randy: Maybe you think *you* should be the quarterback!

Quint: I could never replace *you* as quarterback, Randy, I just thought the play might work.

(SCENE - Jane still painting at the easel and Daria sleeping. Trent walks in.)

Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria.

Jane (whisper): Shhhh!! Daria's sleeping!

Daria (still asleep): mmmumble, mmmumble ...

Jane: She's been talking in her sleep. I thought she was talking about Quinn, but it sounds like someone named Quint.

Trent: Who's Quint?

Jane: There's no-one by that name at school.

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - Daria sitting in the stands at the football game.)

Daria (thought VO): Damn it, Jane, wake me up! I don't want to watch my brother play football! Are you out there? Trent? I hear your voice! Somebody please wake me up! Somebody? Please!

END OF SEGMENT 1 OF "BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!"

CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH SCENE OF QUINT EATING BREAKFAST

(Commercial.)

Trent sings:
If you old car sounds like it's going to fail
Come to Happy Herb's Year-End Blow-Out Sale!
Yes, even when it ices up, even when it snows
Happy Herb can help if your present car blows!

Happy Herb:
I'm Happy Herb! And it's sale time, people!

That's Happy Herb's, in downtown Lawndale!

(End of Commercial)

SEGMENT 2 OF "BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!"

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - At the football game. The game has ended. The scoreboard reads "LIONS 28, VISITORS 6". Quint, Randy, K. C. and Biffy are coming off the field together. They are approached by three cheerleaders.)

Josie: Great game, Quint ... (Randy frowns) ... uh, I mean, guys!

Quint: Thanks, Josie.

Josie: Can I carry your helmet to the fieldhouse?

(Quint hands her the helmet.)

Quint (big grin): Sure, Josie!

Janice: Can I carry your .... uh .... sweatbands?

(Quint pulls the sweatbands off his wrists and hands them to Janice.)

Quint: Here you go, Janice, don't drop 'em!

Janice: You're so funny, Quint!

Jackie: Uh, Quint, can I carry your ... your ... (looks around for something to carry.)

Quint: Hey, Josie, pull the mouthpiece off the faceguard. It just snaps off.

(She does and hands it to Quint. He hands it to Jackie.)

Quint: There you go, Jackie!

Jackie: Thanks, Quint!

(Quint walks toward the fieldhouse with the "3 J's". Randy, Biffy and K.C. follow behind.)

Randy: He already dates the head cheerleader, and he still has those three chicks following him everywhere like they're his personal slaves or something.

Biffy: It's noooot fairrr!

K. C.: I know!

(They walk past Brittany, who is watching the whole thing with a look of burning anger on her face, her fists clenched. They don't even notice her. Daria walks up beside Brittany.)

Daria: Uh, hi, Brittany.

Brittany (angry): Hi, Daria. Oooohh!!! That Quint! Oh, but he's your brother, isn't he? Sorry.

Daria: Look, Brittany, it's OK if you're mad at Quint. I don't mind.

Brittany: Why doesn't he tell those other girls to get lost! He's supposed to be *my* boyfriend!

Daria: But he's a halfback. I thought you only dated quarterbacks.

Brittany: Huh? Daria, are you OK? I've never dated a quarterback in my life. They're all so stuck up!

Daria: Uh, and Quint isn't?

Brittany: Gee, Daria, that's no way to talk about your own brother!

(Kevin Thompson walks past slowly on his way to the locker room.)

Kevin (cheerlessly): Hey, Daria, hey, Brittany.

(Daria waits until Kevin is out of earshot.)

Daria: Maybe you could date Kevin.

Brittany: Kevin? He's never started a game in his life! I'm the *head* cheerleader, Daria. I have standards, you know!

(Brittany leaves.)

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - Daria's bedroom)

(Daria walks into her bedroom and takes a look around. It looks the same as ever.)

Daria: Finally, something I recognize.

(She lays down on her bed and closes her eyes.)

Daria: OK. Enough of this dream. Now time to wake up. (pause) Jane, I know you're out there! *You're* not in my dream! Wake me up!

(Quint pokes his head in the door.)

Quint: Hey, Sis, you OK?

Daria: Uh, sure, Quint.

Quint: You've been a little weird lately. I mean, more than usual. And you were just talking to yourself.

(Daria sits up on the bed.)

Daria: Uh, no, I'm OK, really. Uh, good game. You scored two touchdowns.

Quint: Yeah, thanks, I didn't know you paid attention to that sort of thing.

Daria: Did you get to talk to Brittany?

Quint (sighs): Yeah, I saw her. She was still mad.

Daria: I ran into her at the game. I don't think she appreciated those other cheerleaders hanging all over you.

Quint: Geez, Daria! I'm the leading scorer in the whole county! Of course I'm popular with the chicks! What does she expect?

Daria: Um, maybe a loyal boyfriend?

Quint: Yeah. Like she's been so loyal herself. Do you think she doesn't flirt with other guys?

Daria: Uh, actually I guess she does.

Quint: And not just flirt, either, if you get my drift. Damn it, everyone thinks I'm so lucky to be dating the head freakin' cheerleader! If they only knew ...

Daria: Uh, Quint, if she's mad at you, and you're unhappy with her, why not just break up?

Quint: Geez, Daria! Brit and I are the two most popular kids at Lawndale High! It's, uh, kinda expected that we be together, you know?

Daria: You really haven't changed, have you?

Quint: Changed? From what? I don't get you, Daria.

Daria: Never mind. Poor choice of words. Forget I said anything.

Quint (puzzled): Uh, yeah, OK, Daria.

(He leaves.)

(SCENE - Jane and Trent watching Daria toss and turn as she dreams.)

Trent: C'mon, Jane, let's wake her up! She's having some kind of nightmare!

(Jane leans over to listen to Daria's mumbling.)

Jane: Nah, I don't think it's that bad. If she starts screaming, I'll wake her.

Trent: I hope she's OK.

(Trent leaves. Jane turns on the TV.)

TV (Sick Sad World theme and announcer): These Philadelphia twin sisters looked alike, dressed alike, then they got matching sex-change operations! Talk about Brotherly Love! Meet Philadelphia's fraternal former fillies, next on Sick Sad World!

Jane: Brotherly love ... brother ... hmmm ... I think I know what you're dreaming about, Morgendorffer.

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - Daria walking through a residential area.)

Daria (to herself): If I go to Jane's house, she has to wake me up, right? I hope that's how it works. Damn, this dream is too real!

(Daria stops in front of a vacant lot.)

Daria: It's not here! Jane! Where the hell are you? Trent? Can you hear me? Wind? Penny? Chiquito? Somebody? Can anybody get me my sister back?

END OF SEGMENT 2 OF "BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!"

CUT TO COMMERICAL BREAK WITH SHOT OF QUINT AND THE "3 J's"

(Commercial)

Announcer: You're watching Channel 13 in Lawndale, your Action News station!

Tonight on Action News, controversy at Lawndale High School over the proposed new dress code!

(Reporter interviewing Sandi.)

Sandi: I think it's ridiculous that the school board would even think of implementing a dress code without consulting me, since I'm president of the Fashion Club here at Lawndale High. I plan to be at the next school board meeting with my fellow Fashion Clubbers to make sure they don't, like, do something totally stupid or whatever!

Announcer: We'll also tell you about a shooting and a toxic waste leak! That and other stories, tonight on Action News at 10!

(End of commercial)

SEGMENT 3 OF "BROTHER, I ASKED FOR IT!"

(SCENE - DARIA'S DREAM - Daria in her room. She punches a number on the cellphone.)

Phone: We're sorry, the number you dialed is not in service ...

(Daria hangs up.)

Daria: Well, Tom isn't here either. And here I thought he was the man of my dreams.

(SCENE - Daria in the living room, watching TV. Suddenly, Quint, Randy, K. C. and Biffy all enter together and begin occupying seats around the TV. They all have aluminum cans and they pop the tops and begin drinking.)

Quint: Hey, Sis! Tonight's College Football Preview on the Pigskin Channel, if you don't mind.

Daria (getting up): Uh, sure, go ahead.

Daria (thought VO): I never thought I'd wish for the good old days of FashionVision.

(Daria looks closer at the boys' drinks.)

Daria: Hey, is that *beer* you're drinking?

Randy: Is your sister going to be a party-poop, Morgendorffer?

K. C.: I thought you had an understanding with her!

Biffy: Yahhh, an understandinggg.

Quint (to Daria): We need to talk, Sis!

(He brusquely pulls her aside.)

Daria: Mom and Dad will kill you if they find out! You're all underage!

Quint: They're out for the evening! I thought we'd been over this before! Are you shaking me down for a bigger bribe? OK, how much?

Daria: Can't you go to Randy's house or somewhere?

Randy: Hey, Morgendorffer, if you can't handle her, maybe we better split!

(The others get up to go.)

Quint: No, wait, guys!

(They leave.)

Quint (bitterly): Thanks a LOT, Daria!

(Quint starts to leave, too.)

Daria: Where are you go -- ?

Quint: None of your business!

(He leaves.)

(SCENE - Daria leaving the house. It's dark outside.)

(SCENE - Daria downtown, entering Pizza King.)

(SCENE - Daria sitting at a booth by herself in Pizza King, eating a pizza. She sees Jodie and Mack at a booth, looking like they always do. Kevin, Robert and Shawn are horsing around at their booth. Janice, Josie and Jackie are in the adjoining booth, trying to ignore them.

Brittany suddenly slips into Daria's booth facing Daria. She's obviously been crying.)

Brittany: Hey, Daria! Do you know where your brother is?

Daria: No, actually. We had a big fight over an hour ago and he ran out. I guess I did, too. If I see him, I'll tell him you -

(Brittany sobs loudly.)

Daria: Uh, Brittany, is everything OK?

Brittany: No! Someone said they saw him with another girl, cruising down Main Street. (She sobs louder.)

Daria: I don't know about that, Brittany. A little while ago he was home with a bunch of football players. No girls except me there.

Brittany: Really? Maybe they were wrong then. I hope so.

(Daria gets up to leave.)

Daria: Uh, are you going to be OK, Brittany?

Brittany: Yeah, I'll be OK.

Daria: 'Bye, Brittany.

Brittany: 'Bye, Daria.

(Daria leaves.)

(SCENE - Daria walking up the sidewalk and turning to walk up to her house. The house is dark except for one light in the garage.)

Daria: Hmmm. Better turn that light out. Mom and Dad may not be home for hours.

(SCENE - Daria enters the garage from a side door. There's a car parked in the garage, and she hears the unmistakeable sound of two teenagers making out. Moving closer, she sees Quint is the one on top. She can't see who the girl is underneath him.)

Daria: Hey, lover boy! Brittany's been looking for -

(Daria opens the car door. Quint turns around to look at her. Daria now sees that the girl is Jane Lane ... )

(SCENE - Daria in bed in Jane's room. She's waking up, looking straight at Jane.)

Jane: Wake up, Daria!

Daria: Jane, what are you doing with my brother?

Jane: It's a dream, Daria! Just a dream!

Daria: Huh?

(Trent enters the room.)

Trent: Whoah! That must have been some nightmare!

Daria: Uh, yeah. (pause) So ... I don't have a brother?

Jane: Not that I've ever seen. Just sister Quinnie. What *was* I doing with your brother?

Daria: Uh, you were making out with him.

Jane: Oooooh! You'll have to tell me about that! Was he cute?

Daria: Sort of. Until you get to know him. Uh, some other time, OK? This dream has kinda weirded me out.

(She gets up and stretches.)

Jane: Sure, OK, Daria.

Trent: You're sure you're OK? You need a ride home?

Daria: Yeah, I'm OK. The walk home will do me good, help clear my head.

(She starts to leave.)

Jane: 'Night, Daria!

Trent: 'Night!

Daria: Yeah, thanks. See ya!

(She leaves.)

(SCENE - Daria enters the front door of her house. She sees the Fashion Club gathered around the TV. They all have drinking glasses.)

TV: And now! Style Secrets of the Stars! A FashionVision exclusive!

(Daria stares at the Fashion Club for a few seconds. They don't notice her.)

Daria: Uh, Quinn, can I talk to you for a minute?

Quinn: Daria! This is, like, an important -

Daria: Just for a minute, please?

(They step into the kitchen.)

Daria: Uh, Quinn, you and your friends aren't drinking beer, are you?

Quinn: Are you kidding? *Beer*? And get fat? Besides, Mom and Dad would kill me if -

Daria: Yeah, yeah, OK.

Quinn: Is *that* all you needed to ask me?

Daria: Uh, yeah. Uh, no. Quinn, could you promise me something?

Quinn (exasperated): What, Daria?

Daria: Don't ever play football.

Quinn: Football? You're really weird tonight, Daria.

(Quinn leaves.)

(SCENE - Daria upstairs. She stops to glance at Quinn's room, which looks normal. Then she goes into her own room. Just as she does, the phone rings. Daria picks it up.)

Daria: Hello?

Tom: Hello, Daria! Look, sorry for running out on you last night.

Daria: It's OK. Dad told me about the go-karts and stuff. It sounds like you had fun.

Tom: Yeah, we did. I, uh, just kind of left you hanging.

Daria: Don't worry about it. I mean, I could be dating guys a lot worse than you. Like the man of my dreams, but then you'd have to be my brother, and then I couldn't date you anyway ...

Tom: Uh, Daria, that doesn't make any sense. And you don't have a brother. Are you OK?

Daria: Yeah. Uh, meet you for pizza and talk about it?

Tom: Sure, see you in a bit.

Daria: OK. 'Bye!

Tom: 'Bye.

END OF SEGMENT 3 - END OF FANFIC

Closing Theme - "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother", by The Hollies

The road is long
with many a winding turn
that leads us to who knows where,
who knows where
But I'm strong
strong enough to carry him.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

*****

NOTES

Thanks to Firah for the beta-read.

*****

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As always, fan-artists are strongly encouraged to draw pictures based on this fanfic.