BRAVECHUCK
By M Man
Description - Upchuck? Guardian and High Protector of Scotland? In his dreams ....
(This episode takes place shortly after "Life in the Past Lane" and follows my earlier fanfic "Disappearing Act")
OPENING THEME (played on bagpipes)
La la la la la
This is my stop
Got to get off
I may go pop
Excuse me! Excuse me!
I've got to be direct
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck
Daria in "Bravechuck"
SEGMENT 1 OF "BRAVECHUCK"
(SCENE - Inside Lawndale's video rental store, Lackluster Video. The Fashion Club is scanning the videos on display in the "Musicals" section.)
Quinn: How about this one, Sandi?
Sandi: My Fair Lady? Hmmm, I don't think so. We're looking for a musical with plenty of stylish costume changes ....
(Upchuck appears around the corner, holding a video in his hand.)
Upchuck: Good evening, lovely ladies! Grrr!
Stacy: Hi, Chuck.
Sandi: Get lost, Upchuck.
Upchuck (to Sandi): Feisty!
(to Stacy) Ah, the lovely and magical Stacy! Could I interest you and your Fellow Fashion Aficionados in an evening at the Ruttheimer Rialto, with "Braveheart" on my large-screen TV?
Stacy (takes the video from Chuck and looks at it): Braveheart?
Sandi: Stacy, we are not going to Upchuck's! We're going to watch a costume musical at my house ....
Stacy (looking at the video box with visible lust): Oh, God ....Mel Gibson ... in a kilt ... mmmmm-mmmm!
Sandi: Stacy, tartans are not "in" this year. (With a smirk) And stop drooling!
(Stacy grins and blushes slightly at this, and hands the box back to Upchuck.)
Tiffany: But, Sandiii, Mel Gibson is really hottt...
Upchuck: And I'm renting the last available copy of "Braveheart" in the store this evening!
Sandi: Not a chance, Upchuck.
Upchuck: Perhaps you, Stacy, would like to come without your friends, watch a video, and afterward explore the possibilities of *lovvvvve* ....
(Upchuck puts his arm around Stacy's waist. She slaps him in the face hard enough to send him down to one knee.)
Stacy (screaming in anger): Get your hands off me, Upchuck! Just because I did that damn magic show with you doesn't mean I'm your ... your ... girlfriend! Go ahead, now, tell me how 'feisty' I am!
Upchuck (holding his hand on his cheek): Owww, Stacy!! That really hurt!!
Stacy: Keep your damn video and your damn Mel Gibson!
(Stacy, still angry, grabs a video from the shelf labelled "Musicals")
How about this one, Sandi? I'm ready to leave!
(Sandi, wide-eyed, looks at bit intimidated by Stacy's rage. So do Quinn and Tiffany.)
Sandi: Uh, fine, Stacy, this one looks good.
Quinn: Definitely!
Tiffany: Yeahhh.
(The girls walk off, Stacy still looking angry and the other three eyeing her warily, leaving Upchuck still holding his cheek in one hand and the Braveheart video in the other.)
Upchuck (to himself): Grrr, feist ..... (wincing) Owwww!!
(SCENE - Upchuck alone in the living room of his house. He turns on the TV.)
TV (Sick Sad World Theme and announcer): They combined a Fight Club with a Comedy Club! Talk about a punchline! Next, on Sick Sad World!
Upchuck (rubbing his cheek): Damn it, Stacy, *you* should join a Fight Club! Whe *does* she get the strength .... ?
(Upchuck puts the Braveheart video into the VCR and turns it on. The Braveheart theme is heard. Upchuck settles contently down onto the sofa.)
Upchuck: Ahhhh! Three hours in the Scottish Highlands ... and the luscious Sophie Marceau ... grrr, feisty!!
TV (voice of Angus MacFayden as Robert the Bruce): I will tell you of William Wallace. Historians from England will say I am a liar. But history is written by those who have hanged heroes ...
Upchuck (rubs his cheek and winces): ... or slapped them! ...
(SCENE - Sandi's house. The Fashion Club girls are in the living room, arranging themselves in front of the TV.)
Sandi: Wow, Stacy, you really let Upchuck have it that time.
Tiffany: Yahhh, reallyyyyy.
Stacy (her mind is somewhere else): Huh?
Sandi: I said, you really let Upchuck have it!
Stacy (weakly): Uh, yeah, Sandi. I guess I did. I just hope I didn't ... you know ... really hurt him ...
Sandi: Stacy! He's a lecherous geek! Who cares ...?
Stacy (tiredly): Forget it, Sandi.
Sandi: Hmmmph. Sometimes I wonder if he played a magic trick on you ...
Stacy (like she doesn't really care): Just forget it, Sandi.
Sandi: I can't believe that geek wanted us to come to his place to watch that war film or whatever.
(Sandi loads the videotape into the VCR.)
Quinn: Though you have to admit Mel Gibson is *really* hot.
Sandi: Uh, Quinn, isn't he like 40 or something?
Quinn (weakly): Yeah. Or something.
(Sandi starts up the VCR. Broadway-type music is heard. Sandi, Quinn, and Tiffany are watching the TV. Stacy is looking off into space, looking tired and unhappy.)
(SCENE - Inside Ruttheimer living room. Upchuck is watching Braveheart but is starting to doze off.)
TV (voice of Patrick McGoohan as King Edward Longshanks) ... The trouble with Scotland is that it's full of Scots...
(Upchuck starts snoring.)
(SCENE - UPCHUCK'S DREAM. Meeting Chamber of King Edward Longshanks. But the Fashion Club, in medieval costume, have replaced Longshanks and his nobles.)
Sandi-Longshanks: The trouble with Geekland is that it's so full of Geeks.
Tiffany: Yahhhh...
Stacy: And they're so ... geeky!
Quinn: Totally geeky.
Sandi-Longshanks: The Geeks must be driven from the Kingdom of Lawndale. Especially Charles of Clan Ruttheimer. I have come up with an excellent plan ...
(SCENE - Upchuck's living room. Upchuck is sleeping in front of the TV. He stirs slightly.)
TV (Voice of Longshank's advisor): A most excellent idea, Sire!
TV (Longshank's voice): Is it?
(SCENE - Sandi's living room. Stacy is dozing off. The other girls are watching TV attentively. Lush music is heard coming from the TV.)
Sandi: Too bad that sort of thing isn't in style these days. So elegant!
Tiffany: Yahhh, elegannnt.
(Stacy snores.)
Sandi (loudly): Uh, Stacy, are we keeping you awake?
Stacy (awakens): Uh, yes, uh, I mean no. Sorry, I'm just tired tonight.
Quinn: It's a pretty good musical, Stacy.
Stacy: Uh, I think I need to go to the bathroom. You know, to splash some cold water on my face.
Sandi (annoyed): OK, we'll pause the tape ...
Stacy: No, no. You keep watching. I won't be long.
(Stacy leaves. The other girls turn their attention back to the TV.)
(SCENE - Griffin bathroom. Stacy pulls a cellphone and a slip of paper from her jacket pocket. The slip of paper reads: "Chuck 555-0987". She starts to punch in the number on the phone, then stops.)
Stacy (to herself, rehearsing): "Chuck, I'm really sorry that I ...", no, "Hi, Chuck, this is Stacy, look, about tonight ..."
Oh, damn it! (puts the cellphone back in her pocket).
(Stacy quickly runs some water, washes her face, and quickly leaves the bathroom.)
END OF SEGMENT 1 OF "BRAVECHUCK"
CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH SCENE OF "QUEEN SANDRA LONGSHANKS" ADDRESSING HER ADVISORS.
(Commercial.)
Budweiser presents: Real American Heroes!
(Background vocal: "Real American Heroes!")
Today we salute you, Mr. Paintball Jungle Operator!
(BG vocal: "Paintball Jungle Operator!")
You show us that the harsh realities of war are just a pigment of our imagination!
(BG vocal: "War is hell!")
Yes, thanks to you, we now know that it isn't the size of the man in the fight, it's the size of the splat on his face!
(BG vocal: "On his face!")
So this Bud's for you, Mr. Paintball Jungle Operator, for showing your true colors in battle!
(BG vocal: "This Bud's for you!")
(End of Commercial)
SEGMENT 2 OF "BRAVECHUCK"
(SCENE - Griffin living room. The girls are still watching their musical. Stacy keeps blinking her eyes rapidly, trying to stay awake.)
Quinn: Now why can't the boys at school dress like that?
Tifanny: Yahhh, reallyyy.
Stacy (disbelieving): Uh, top hats and tails? To school? You must be kidding.
Sandi: Yes, Stacy, I'm afraid you're right. The Age of Elegance is over. We must be content with today's fashions, such as they are.
Stacy (looks at Sandi strangely): Uh, yeah, Sandi. That's what I meant. I guess. (very low voice) Whatever ...
Sandi: Or are you still thinking of Upchuck's movie? Perhaps you think the boys should wear Scottish kilts to school.
Stacy (slightly mocking voice): No, Sandi, top hats and tails. Nothing but.
(Sandi frowns at Stacy, not sure whether Stacy is mocking her or not. Then she looks back to the TV. Stacy yawns as Sandi looks away, and starts to doze again.)
(SCENE - Upchuck in the Ruttheimer living room, trying to stay away while watching Braveheart.)
TV (voice of Mel Gibson as William Wallace): Sons of Scotland! I am William Wallace!
TV (voice of anonymous soldier): William Wallace is seven feet tall!
TV (Mel Gibson): Yes, I've heard! Kills men by the hundreds, and if *he* were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse!
(SCENE - Upchuck dreaming. He is dressed as William Wallace, on a horse, addressing a crowd of soldiers. Most are anonynous, but we recognize Daria and Jane in the front.)
Upchuck: I am Charles Ruttheimer!
Daria (to Jane): Coulda fooled me ...
Jane (loudly): Charles Ruttheimer is a total geek!
Upchuck: Yes, I've heard! Seduces babes by the hundreds, and if he were here ...
Jane: Cut the crap, Upchuck! What are we doing here?
Upchuck: We are here to fight the army of the popular, the well-dressed, the army led by Queen Sandra Longshanks!
(Long shot of Sandi's army, with Sandi, Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany in front.)
Daria (to Jane): I hate to admit it, but that sounds like a noble cause to me.
Jane (to Daria): But isn't that too much like work?
Daria: You'll probably get some great sketches of hacked-up bloody bodies.
Jane: Cool! (to Upchuck) Count me in, Upchuck!
(Upchuck raises his sword. All his soldiers do so as well.)
Upchuck: Charge!!!
(The two sides charge toward each other, shouting and waving their swords. Just before they clash ... )
(SCENE - Griffin living room. Stacy is nodding again while the other girls are watching. Quinn notices, frowns, and elbows Stacy. Stacy wakes up and smiles weakly at Quinn. The music fades out.)
Sandi: Well, that's the first tape. Let's take a break before we watch the second tape.
(The girls all get up and stretch.)
Stacy: I think I'll go outside for a few minutes.
Sandi: Good idea. Maybe the night air will help wake you up.
Stacy (weakly): Yeah, the night air.
(SCENE - outside the front door of the Griffin residence. Stacy steps through the door and takes a few deep breaths.)
Stacy (to herself): The night air is pretty good at that. Better than the atmosphere inside ...
(Stacy pulls out her cellphone and begins to punch in a number.)
Stacy: Five-five-five-zero-nine-eight ....
(Tiffany comes through the door. Stacy stops dialing.)
Tiffany: Who are you calling, Stacyyyy?
Stacy: Uh, nobody, I, uh, thought we might get a pizza.
Tiffany: But ... they only deliver pizzas with cheeeeese. That will make us too faaaat. I think Sandi has some cheeseless pizzaaa.
Stacy: Come to think of it, Tiffany, I'm not really in the mood for pizza tonight.
Tiffany: I thiiink Sandi's ready to start the video agaaaiin.
Stacy: OK, Tiffany, you go back in. I'll be in in a minute.
(Tiffany goes back in. Stacy dials the cellphone again.)
Stacy: Five-Five-Five-Zero-Nine-Eight-Seven ...
(She gets a busy signal.)
Stacy: Damn!
(She goes back in.)
(SCENE - Ruttheimer living room. Upchuck is on a cellphone.)
Upchuck: What do you mean, you don't have any Scottish toppings on your pizza? I'm in a Scottish mood tonight! (pause) The closest you can get is Canadian bacon? Forget it!
By the way, what are you doing later tonight? (unintelligible angry female voice comes from the phone.) Grrr!! Feisty!!
(Upchuck turns off the phone and starts the VCR again.)
TV (voice of Campbell): William! A royal entourage comes, flying banners of truce, with the standard of Longshanks himself.
TV (voice of Sophie Marceau as Isabella): I am the Princess of Wales. I come as the King's servant and with his authority.
TV (voice of Mel Gibson as Wallace): To do what?
TV (voice of Sophie Marceau): To discuss the King's proposals. Will you speak with a woman?
(Upchuck dozes off)
(SCENE - Upchuck's dream. He is William Wallace again. Stacy is the Princess.)
Stacy-Isabella: Sandra Longshanks proposes that you never speak to a popular girl again.
Upchuck-Wallace: Grrr!! Feisty!! But, my sweet, I can speak to whomever I choose. You tell Sandra that I turn down her proposal, but I have a counter-offer.
Stacy-Isabella: And what is that?
Upchuck-Wallace: I'll do a magic show for the entire Kingdom of Lawndale.
Stacy-Isabella: Oooh!! I love magic shows! Can I be your assistant?
(SCENE - Griffin living room. The Fashion Club girls are watching the videotape. Stacy is actually watching with interest, although the other girls look slightly bored. Sandi picks up the remote.)
Sandi: If no-one objects, I'll fast-forward through this part.
Stacy (eyes locked on the TV): No, Sandi, I'm watching this.
Sandi (mocking): Oh!! Of course! Stacy loves magic shows!
Stacy (still watching the TV): Now, how did he do that?! How did he make that whole thing disappear?
Sandi: Why don't you ask a certain red-headed geek? Upchuck probably knows how it's done!
Stacy: Maybe I will ask him, Sandi. (She pulls out her cellphone.)
Quinn: C'mon, Stacy! You're not going to call him *now*! We're watching this!
Stacy: I guess it can wait.
Tiffany: Yahhh. Waiitt.
Sandi: I can't believe you were really going to call Upchuck.
Stacy (softly, to herself, with sarcasm): I'm sure you can't, Sandi.
(The other girls watch the video with interest. Stacy starts to look bored again.)
END OF SEGMENT 2 OF "BRAVECHUCK"
CUT TO COMMERICAL BREAK WITH SHOT OF CHARGING ARMIES
(Commercial)
You're listening to Channel 13 in Lawndale, your Action News station!
Tonight on Action News, protest at a medical clinic:
(Janet Barch being interviewed.)
Barch: I'm leading this protest on behalf of the Lawndale Women's Political Action Commitee against this clinic which only treats MALE patients.
Interviewer: But they specialize in prostate ailments, don't they?
Barch: That's no excuse! You cook and clean for twenty-two years, and they run off to the doctor without so much as a ... (fade out)
Announcer: Also on Action News tonight - a major crime wave hits the city, and a flood warning. Those and other stories on Action News at 10!
(End of commercial)
SEGMENT 3 OF "BRAVECHUCK"
(SCENE - The Fashion Club girls at Sandi's door, saying their goodbyes before going home.)
Tiffany: Good movie, Sandi.
Sandi: Well, Stacy picked it out. Though I don't think she watched much of it.
Stacy: I'm just ... really tired tonight, Sandi.
Quinn: See you Monday in school, Sandi.
Sandi: 'Night, Quinn.
Stacy and Tiffany: 'Night, Sandi.
Sandi: 'Night. See you all Monday. (Sandi closes the door.)
(Tiffany, Quinn and Stacy walk down the sidewalk together.)
Stacy: Do you think I, uh, hit Upchuck really hard?
Quinn: Yeah, you almost knocked him over!
Tiffany: You were really madddd!
Stacy: Uh, yeah. I guess I was.
Quinn: Well, he shouldn't go around grabbing girls like that.
Tiffany: Yeahhh. Grabbinggg.
Stacy (weakly): I guess not...
(SCENE - Upchuck watching Braveheart. He is nodding.)
TV (voice of Guard): Your Highness!
TV (voice of Sophie Marceau as Isabella): I have come to see the prisoner.
TV (Guard): We've got orders from the King that no-one ...
TV (Sophie): The king will be dead in a month and his son is a weakling. Who do you think will rule this kingdom? Now open this door!
(SCENE - Upchuck dreaming. He is Wallace, in chains in the dungeon. Stacy is Isabella.)
Stacy-Isabella: Swear that you will never speak to a popular girl again and Sandra's punishment will be merciful. Otherwise, what she will do will be so horrible ...
Upchuck-Wallace: But *you're* popular! And you came to talk to *me*!
Stacy-Isabella: I plead with you. Beg her for mercy.
Upchuck-Wallace: But I can't give up on the popular girls. They're so ... grrrr - licious!
(SCENE - Upchuck's dream. He is Wallace, on the executioner's bench. Sandi is the executioner. She's holding an ax.)
Executioner-Sandi: Confess that you are a geek, and you will be spared the worst.
Wallace-Upchuck: Grrr!! Feisty!!
(Sandi knees him in the groin.)
Wallace-Upchuck: Oooohh!!!
Executioner-Sandi: You are to stay away from all popular girls!
Wallace-Upchuck: I love it when you talk feisty!
(She knees him in the groin again.)
Wallace-Upchuck: Ooohhhhh!!
Executioner-Sandi: Last chance, geek!
(SCENE - crowd watching the execution.)
Kevin: Are they, like, going to disembowel him? Check it out, Mack Daddy!
Mack: Don't call me that! Yes, I think she's going to disembowel him. I'm sure you'll find it entertaining.
Kevin: Cool!
Brittany: Ewww! That's gross, Kevvy!
Jodie: Is that moron just going to keep telling her how feisty she is?
(to Upchuck) Mercy! Beg for mercy!
Jane (sketching on a pad): I'm really getting some cool stuff out of this.
Daria: This better be good. I'm missing lasagna night for this.
Jane: Don't you have lasagna almost every night?
Daria: Good point.
(SCENE - Executioner's bench. Upchuck is trying to speak. Sandi bends over to hear what he has to say.)
Wallace-Upchuck: (inaudible mumbling.)
Executioner-Sandi (loudly, to the crowd): The geek, uh, prisoner ... wishes to say a word ... or whatever!
Wallace-Upchuck: (inaudible mumbling)
Executioner-Sandi: Say it, geek! Beg for mercy!
Wallace-Upchuck: (deep breath and mumbling.)
Executioner-Sandi: You can say it, geek!
Wallace-Upchuck (deep breath, then): FEISSSTYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Sandi raises the ax high over her head and brings it down toward Upchuck ...)
(SCENE - Upchuck back in his living room, wakes up.)
Upchuck: Nooooo, Sandiii!!!!!!
(realizes where he is.)
Huh????
(He looks at the VCR as "Braveheart" finishes automatically rewinding and pops forward in the tray.)
Damn, what a nightmare!! (grumbles) And I missed most of the video.
(The phone rings. Upchuck picks it up.)
Upchuck: Hello?
Stacy (walking on a sidewalk, speaking on her cellphone): Hi, Chuck, it's Stacy!
Upchuck: Stacy, uh, ...
Stacy: Look, Chuck, I'm sorry I slapped you so hard. It's just ... so ... totally humiliating when you do ... what you did.
Upchuck: Uh, look ...
Stacy: Did I really hurt you? I mean, I slapped you pretty hard.
Upchuck: Uh, I'm OK, Stacy. Really.
Stacy: You're sure?
Upchuck: Yeah.
Stacy: Good. Look, Chuck, that musical I picked out totally sucked, though Sandi loved it. I fell asleep ...
Upchuck: You fell asleep?
Stacy: Yeah, and I'm still up for watching a good video tonight. So if your invitation still stands ..., oh, but you've probably watched it already.
Upchuck: Uh, no, I fell asleep, too. I was just about to watch it.
Stacy: Really? Can I come over?
Upchuck: Uh, sure, Stacy!
Stacy: 'Bye, then! See ya!
(SCENE - Outside shot of Ruttheimer home, Stacy pushing the doorbell.)
(SCENE - Front door of Ruttheimer home. Upchuck answers the door.)
Upchuck (subdued): Hi, Stacy, come on in.
(She enters.)
Stacy (hesitantly): Hi, Chuck, I ... I.... (hesitates).
Upchuck (puzzled): Yes?
Stacy: Chuck, I ... I'm sorry I slapped you so hard ... I mean ... I'm sorry I slapped you ...
Chuck: Look, uh ...
Stacy: ... please let me talk. When we worked together practicing for that magic show, you were so ... nice and ... normal and ... then tonight in the video store you ...
(Stacy is close to tears)
... talked to me like I was ... the class slut or something ... and ... I don't 'put out', Chuck ... I never have ...
Chuck: ... I so sorry, Stacy, I ...
Stacy: ... I know it's just talk, Chuck, you don't really mean it ... but I'm there in front of all my friends and it's just so humiliating when you ... talk to me like I'm ...
(Again, Stacy is almost crying.)
Chuck: ... Stacy, I ...
Stacy: ... I mean ... when we worked on the magic show you were nice and polite and funny and ... well ... I even started thinking that ... you might even be kinda ... (closes her eyes and takes a deep breath) ... cute ...
(They suddenly stare at each other wide-eyed. Stacy suddenly throws her arms around Upchuck and kisses him passionately. Upchuck is stunned for a moment, but slowly he puts his arms around Stacy's waist and pulls her close. They continue kissing. Finally they break apart and look at each other with shy smiles.)
Stacy (breathless): Uh, Chuck?
Upchuck (also breathless): Yeah, Stacy?
Stacy: Braveheart's kinda romantic, isn't it?
Upchuck: Uh, yeah, I think so.
Stacy: Then I'm *really* going to be in the mood to ... y'know ... 'make out' when it's over.
Upchuck (swallows): Uh ... me too ...
Stacy: Yeah. Start the video, Chuck.
(Upchuck pushes the remote to start the video. The opening theme of Braveheart is heard.)
(They sit down on the sofa next to each other. Upchuck looks a bit unsure of how close to sit. Stacy curls up next to him, pulls him close, and starts rubbing his chest with one hand. Upchuck slowly puts one arm around Stacy's shoulders and holds her free hand with his other hand.)
Stacy: Mmmmm. The Scottish Highlands are soooo beautiful ...
(SCENE - Outside shot of Ruttheimer home with one light on in the living room. We hear Upchuck and Stacy talking; their voices beginning to take on the sound of relaxed intimacy.)
Stacy's voice: Chuck?
Upchuck's voice: Yes, Stacy?
Stacy's voice: Do you think I'm ... uh ... y'know ... Am I ... feisty?
Upchuck's voice: Yes, you are, Stacy.
END OF SEGMENT 3 - END OF FANFIC
CLOSING THEME:
"Lexie Wright" by the Glengarry Bhoys
Why don't you come with me, Lexie Wright?
Why don't you come with me?
Take my hand and I'll show you Scotland,
How my land was once set free,
How my land was once set free
In Thirteen-hundred-and-zero-four
The Wallace, he fought the foe.
He sent him back to England
With words of fear for the foe:
"We'll fight and die for Scotland, boys,
to keep her forever free.
Until the day that I shall die,
Scotland will be free!"
So why don't you come with me, Lexie Wright?
Why don't you come with me?
Take my hand and I'll show you Scotland.
How my land was once set free,
How my land was once set free ...
*****
NOTES
Probably much of this fanfic went past you if you haven't seen "Braveheart". Good movie, check it out.
This fanfic is the sequel to my fanfic "Disappearing Act"
Thanks to Firah for the beta-read.
*****
Please e-mail your reactions to this fanfic to mman37x@cs.com
As always, fan-artists are strongly encouraged to draw pictures based on this fanfic.