BEHIND THE GLASSES II
(Daria and Jane are sitting on two canvas director’s chairs in the centre of an otherwise empty stage.)
Jane: Yo, fanfic readers!
Daria: The response to John Berry’s "Behind The Glasses" was so overwhelming that EVERYONE in the fanfic writing community wanted to be part of the next one.
Jane: Problem WAS, John was ALL bloopered out after "Behind The Glasses". So they needed to find a new sucker to do the interviews, collect the bloopers and put it all together. And when we the people need to find a sucker in fanfic land, there’s only one person to ask.
(Voxpop – Canadibrit at her work station, banging away at a computer. She looks at the camera.)
Canadibrit: It’s NOT that they don’t keep me busy at the office. I just thrive on stress.
(Back to the stage.)
Daria: So Canadibrit – who is NOT me…
Jane: But might as well be…
Daria: Is forcing us to present to you the joint mess-ups of the fanfic community.
Jane: So welcome, readers, to "Behind The Glasses II"!
(Black screen. White writing reads: "Jon Kilner".)
(Back to the stage with Daria and Jane.)
Daria: The star of Jon Kilner’s fame is rising.
Jane: Damn right! And with good reason!
Daria: He focuses on Jane a lot.
Jane: And with good reason!
Daria: His fic "The Last Days Of Solitude" earned him respect, but the one that really set him on the map was…
Jane: (smirk) Could it have been anything but?
Daria: "Jane". (beat) You’re NEVER going to shut up about this, are you?
(The Jon Kilner studio. Canadibrit sits across from Jon Kilner.)
Canadibrit: Thanks for dinner, Jon. Your reputation precedes you.
Canadibrit: Now your best loved fanfic to date, "Jane" – how did that go, you know, getting it taped?
Jon: It had its ups and downs. It’s just that … well, I don’t think any of the actors GET it.
Canadibrit: Get WHAT?
Jon: The MOOD! The artistic VIBE! The need for AUTHENTICITY!
Canadibrit: (bemused) Ooo-kay… Let’s have a look at some of the outtakes from "Jane" so we know what you’re talking about.
Jon: Are you SURE this constitutes using them wisely and in the cause of good?
Canadibrit: I never MADE that promise. (beat) For the reader, all the bits in italics are the outtake part.
A comfortable silence fell between them and for long moments the crackling of the fire was the only sound. Daria smiled. There weren't many people in the world with whom she could share such a companionable silence. Most folks needed to fill every moment with words, but the two of them had been sharing silent times since those evenings and weekends spent in Jane's room back in Lawndale. Daria had always considered it a measure of their friendship's depth. They were comfortable enough in each other's company to be silent together.
"So how is your better half doing?" asked Jane after a while. "How's he taking to retirement?"
"Not well," said Daria. "Sometimes he just doesn't seem to know what to do with himself. He might start doing some teaching again, just a few classes a week."
"Probably for the best," said Jane with a wink. (Jane pauses, suddenly looking uncertain. The pause draws out into an uncomfortable silence and Jane smiles, obviously having forgotten her line. She turns to Daria. "So, what's your hubby's name again?")
(Daria smiles and begins to chuckle. "I have no idea," she says. "Since he doesn't appear in this fic, I've never actually met him.")
(Both girls break up into laughter as someone off screen shouts, "Cut.")
Daria turned her gaze toward an easel that had been set up beside the casket in accordance with Jane's wishes. On it sat one of her distorted self-portraits from high school, a charcoal rendering that she'd chosen just for this occasion. People had been chattering about it all day long and Daria had more than once overheard the word 'masterpiece.' But Daria knew the rending was no masterpiece. It was a masterstroke. A minor doodle put on display to set pretentious tongues to wagging. It was Jane's final joke played on an art world that took itself too seriously and as she expected, it had gone right over the heads of the artistic elite. By next week, somebody would probably be paying a million dollars for that doodle. Good one, Jane.
Daria turned away from the easel and looked down on the casket itself. It was closed, again in accordance with Jane's wishes. The thought of being put on display had always been abhorrent to Jane. Besides, she'd wanted to be remembered as she was in life, not as she was now.
Trent shook his head. "Sorry about all this, Janey," he said. "I shouldn't have allowed it to happen, but they made it all sound no soble. Like it was all going to be about you. I'm sorry."
(Daria smiles and looks up at Trent. "No soble?")
(Trent looks back at her, obviously confused at the non-scripted question. "What?")
("You said 'no soble,'" Daria replies with a smile. "Instead of 'so noble.'")
(Trent shakes his head. "I don't think so, Daria.")
("You did, Trent," comes a muffled voice from inside the casket. "I heard it, too.")
(Trent and Daria turn disbelieving gazes on the casket. Trent shakes his head. "What the . . ." He reaches out and lifts the casket's lid. Jane is lying inside, looking young compared to the faux-elderly Trent and Daria. Jane's eyes are bright with mischief as she looks up at them. "Would you guys mind keeping it down," she says with a smile. "I'm trying to be dead in here.")
("Whoa," says Trent. "What are you doing in there, Janey? This is a closed casket scene. You don't need to be here.")
(Jane props herself up on one elbow. "You know that," she says. "Daria knows that and I know that, but you know Jon. With him it's all realism, realism, realism." Jane continues in a mocking tone, obviously mimicking the author. "Everything has to be just right for maximum dramatic effect.")
(Daria lifts a hand to her forehead. "I don't think I can take much more of this. First we're stuck in one of Diane's shipper fics and now we’re trapped on a soundstage with Mr. Drama.")
("Hey," says Trent, looking sidelong at Daria. "I like those shipper fics.")
("We know you do," says Jane, rolling her eyes. Then she looks over at Daria and smiles. "It's only going to get worse, you know.")
("What do you mean?")
(Jane's smile gets wider. "I hear they're going to collaborate on their next story.")
(Daria looks skyward, her face a tableau of abject misery. "Oh, god. I quit.")
(Black screen. White writing reads "Canadibrit")
(Bare stage with Daria and Jane)
Daria: In the world of fan fiction, there is little more irritating than a Mary Sue character.
Jane: You know the type – a Daria-like self-insertion character who knows EVERYTHING, NEVER screws up and ALWAYS gets the group out of trouble.
Daria: But, if her fan mail is to be believed, Canadibrit managed to come up with a very human Mary Sue – Lynn Cullen is NOT a straight-A student, screws up a reasonable proportion of the time, and, well…
(Voxpop – Canadibrit.)
Canadibrit: Fine. I started out trying to create a Mary Sue character. It’s just that, once I create a character, that character usually develops a mind of its own and…
Lynn: (OS) Oh, look, I started out as YOU! Is it MY fault you’re schizophrenic?
Canadibrit: You see the problem. With Lynn, there’s arguing, posturing, ENDLESS deviations from the script, and the profanity…
Lynn: (OS) So you’re blaming ME for the fact that you can’t direct your way out of a paper bag, is THAT it?
Canadibrit: (shouting to Lynn) SHUT UP, DAMNIT! (beat; to camera) This does NOT mean I’m psychotic. Really.
(Back to Daria and Jane)
Jane: I LIKE working with Lynn and Canadibrit. There’s a real freedom of expression thing going in THAT studio.
Daria: Yeah, but I’d really like to see some more professionalism. I mean, Kilner’s a bit too strict about the artistic integrity of his fics for my taste, but Canadibrit goes a BIT too far the other way.
(clip 1 – "Run Away From Homecoming")
(Scene: Pizza King. Daria, Jane and Lynn are eyeing Brittany, who stands at their booth, warily.)
Brittany: And … um … Kevvie’s not really all that good at planning things.
Lynn: And I thought no one but her family doctor would ever hear her say that.
Brittany: (eyes widening with rage) WHY YOU LITTLE (bleep)!
(She grabs Lynn by the collar of her jacket and starts pounding her senseless.)
(Canadibrit gestures to Daria and Jane, who pull Brittany off Lynn.)
Lynn: (wiping blood from her nose) (bleep) you, you moronic (bleep)…
Canadibrit: (sigh) Brittany … two things. One – you are not supposed to understand that comment. Two – you are not supposed to take it personally. Are we cool?
Brittany: We’re cool.
Canadibrit: Good. Lynn, get cleaned up and we’ll take it from the ‘planning things’ line.
(clip 2 – "A Meeting Of The Brains")
(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Daria, Jane and Lynn pass through the living room behind Jake on the sofa.)
Jake: Boots. Daria. Second set of boots. Jane … or maybe it’s Jean. Anyway. Third set of boots. Lynn. Fourth set of…
Canadibrit: CUT! Jake, there are only THREE sets of boots. And you don’t know Lynn’s NAME yet.
Jake: Oh. Sorry! Can we do that again?
Canadibrit: (sigh) It’s going to be a VERY long season.
(Scene: Lane basement. Daria, Jane and Lynn are watching Mystik Spiral play "Behind My Eyelids".)
Lynn: (raised eyebrow) Ooh. Glistening skin. Kinky.
(Lynn smirks, then runs forward and throws herself at Trent, locking her lips to his. She breaks the kiss after a LONG moment.)
Lynn: TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOW!
Trent: (leer) Sure, baby.
Canadibrit: CUT! The shippers would LYNCH me if I did that!
Daria: (deadpan) No great loss.
Canadibrit: Oh, let’s just FINISH this!
(clip 3 – "The Things We Do For Dough")
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Family sitting around the dinner table.)
Helen: No more credit card purchases, Quinn. If you want money, the same thing goes for you as for Daria. Get a job.
Quinn: This sucks!
Helen: What have I said about using that word?
Quinn: (bleep) you!
Canadibrit: (OS) CUT!
Quinn: (yelling off stage) (bleep) you too!
(clip 4 – "Poetic Injustice")
Daria: (morose) I'm in the same boat as you are. It's been a week, and I've had nothing ... unless you count headaches, depression, and a really bad cocaine overdose two days ago... (sits up, looks directly at camera, eyes widening) Whoops. (sputter) I meant CAFFEINE! (hysterical laughter)
Lynn: (smirk) Do the words 'Freudian slip' mean anything to you?"
Canadibrit: CUT! Oh, for (bleep)’s sake, Daria! It’s going to take HOURS to get you back in character. And this is only episode 3… Look, save the hysterical laughter for the call-ID scene in that 'New Eyes' thing by Nemo Blank, okay?
Daria: He lets me have fun...
Trent: (leer) And me.
Daria: Oh, (bleep) you.
Trent: (smirk) Bet you'd LOVE to, Daria.
Daria: Go to hell, you macho (bleep).
Canadibrit: (frustrated scream) TAKE FIVE!
(Black screen. White writing says "Paperpusher")
Daria: Paperpusher is known for the ultimate "Canon" fics – coming up with practically the same ideas as the writers, but in much better format.
Jane: With one notable exception.
Daria: She despises the fact that she got stuck with the name ‘Fire Lane’ in "Mirror, Mirror". And anyway, I was TALKING about "Her, Uh, Cane" and "Jalopy".
Jane: I’m STILL not forgiving him.
Daria: Paperpusher’s upcoming fanfic, "Shakespeared", scares hell out of me. All that Shakespearean language… (shudder) There’s one part of it that he left on the cutting room floor…
Daria: Shut up, you Yenta.
(Lost Footage – "Shakespeared")
(Int.-- Lane Basement -- Night.)
Trent has just professed his "like" of Daria. Alas, it's too late.
Daria: You always were the soul of kindness yet
I tire of your indifferent regard.
Mayhap 'tis true e'en the hot inferno
Of youthful love will yet grow cold and fade
If its fires are never truly fed.
'Tis true a year ago I would gladly
Fall into your arms and there live always
Blissfully happy. Yet time and neglect
Sober infatuation's drunkenness
And dull the giddy shine of love's new morn.
Trent: My regard was indifferent for a
Purpose. I feared your lack of years--
Daria: My youth?
That was all that scared you? Please play me not
Then for a young fool while you perchance sought
Some other older maid with whom you could
Tumble in the hay with without any fear.
Perhaps it's more my age rather than my
Youth that frightens you, for surely my wits are
Sharp enough to protect myself from you.
Trent: But there were never any others, sweet!
Since first I laid mine eyes upon you, I
Could forget you not!
Daria: Forget me not? Why
Is this then how you treat the flower of
Your eye? With neglect? Had you but once ta'en
The time to water your vegetable love,
By now it would've encompassed the world.
But there are no fruits to harvest, no feast
To celebrate your love's high yield. Instead
You have stored nothing to keep yourself full
Warm in the winter of your heart.
Trent: Ah, but
I wanted to provide you with the man
You deserved. As nothing more than a mere
Wandering musician, I could do no
More than keep you warm with my muse and her
Penniless siren song that promised much
But gave little. My prospects weren't enough
Daria: Your prospects? What sort of shallow beast
Did you think I was, then? Never did I
Want to have your prospects! I wanted *you.*
Had you but said the word, the gates of my
Heart's cold castle would've fall'n, and gladly so.
Yet now do I wonder if even the
Breath of a thousand summer days could melt
The hoary frost now 'round my cold heart's keep.
(Black screen. White writing says "Danny Bronstein")
Daria: Ah, yes, Danny Bronstein. The "weirdo".
Jane: (snicker) You’re never going to like that fic, are you?
Daria: I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re not even going to TALK about that fanfic … ARE we.
Jane: No. (smirk) We’re going to talk about that lost scene out of "Who Shot Principal Li"!
Daria: GOD … where do they come UP with these? Do we have to actually WITNESS the burning of the film or what?
Jane: No good. This is fanfic authors’ imaginations.
Daria: I’m sure I could think of a way to ensure they never imagine anything again…
Jane: Whoa. You’ve been doing this fanfic stuff too long. You’re NEVER this sadistic with Glenn and Susie…
To assist in the investigation, the Lawndale Police decided to utilise the polygraph machine Ms. Li bought with school funds. Hadley and Riker decided that the Lawndale Lions football team was as good as any a group to start interrogating, and that was how Kevin found himself strapped to the machine. "Now, Kevin," said Riker. "This machine will help us determine whether or not you are telling the truth. If you are, the green light will go on. If you are not, the red light will go on, and you will hear a buzzing noise. Do you understand?"
"Uh, sure," replied Kevin.
With that, the polygraph burst into flames.
(Lost Footage – "Who Shot Principal Li?")
Danny: (VO) Can you guess which controversial fanfic scene this one makes fun of?
Dylan and Daria stepped into Dylan’s apartment. It was fairly small and messy, with sparse furniture and an old TV. "My mom usually doesn’t get home until like after 9," he said. "You want a soda?"
"Sure," replied Daria.
Opening the fridge, Dylan said, "Boy, I’m sure that whole ordeal is over. I hope you’re not mad about having been made a scapegoat through all of this."
"That’s OK, I’m used to it," she replied. As Daria drank her soda, what she was about to do went over in her mind at lightning speed. "Dylan?" she said.
"Yeah?" he replied.
Daria took a deep breath. She had never thrown herself at a guy like this before, but she had to admit, Dylan was pretty cool. "Dylan, over the course of the past couple of days, I have gotten to really like you. A lot. I have feelings for Trent too, but he doesn’t seem to reciprocate them. Therefore, I think I want to give you what every teenage boy your age wants. I think we should take our relationship to the next level, and... and..."
"And?" said Dylan, mouth agape.
"And make a porno," she finished.
"With cum shots?"
"Oh yes. Lots of cum shots. In every possible position."
"Wow, I didn't see you as the type to throw yourself at a guy like that," said Dylan. "This isn’t some peer pressure thing, is it? Because you know how I stand on peer pressure, being a classroom lecturer for D.A.R.E. and all."
"And you know I never succumb to peer pressure, Dylan. Now are we gonna make unrealistically pornographic love or not?"
"Cool!" said Dylan. "I’ll get my condoms!"
"And I’ll get the camcorder!"
With that the two of them French-kissed for what seemed like forever...
Then Dylan’s alarm clock went off and he woke up with a start. His bed sheets felt wet and sticky.
"What a woman!" he gasped.
(Lost Footage – "Who Shot Principal Li?")
Danny: (VO) This is the one where Stacy doesn’t get off so easy.
For the attempted murder of Principal Angela Li, Stacy ("Nibblett") Rowe was sentenced to six months at the Croydon Juvenile Detention Facility for Young Women. After a couple of weeks there, Stacy was sitting alone at the bleachers during exercise break, wearing the same blue jump-suit as everybody else. She was approached by three quite attractive girls, whose hair was incredibly well-groomed. Stacy was immediately reminded of her friends from Lawndale High, who had yet to call or write or visit.
"Hi," said the leader of the group, a brunette with a sultry deep voice and a hint of Southern twang. "My name is Andie, and this is Lynn and Trixie."
"We’re the Fashion Club!" the girls said in unison.
"Really?" said Stacy, elated.
"We were wondering if you’d like to be our new secretary," said Lynn, a redhead.
"We’ve been looking for a replacement for our last one," said Trixie, a skinny, dark-haired waif with a monotone drawl.
"Sure! I’d love to!" said Stacy.
"You’ll need to copy down everything we say during meetings," Andie said.
"Well, not *everything* everything, if you know what I mean," said Lynn.
"I can do that!" exclaimed Stacy.
"Great! You’re in, then!" Andie said.
"Wow!" said Stacy. "And I didn’t even have to take a test or anything!" she paused, then continued: "But if you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your last secretary?"
Andie, Lynn and Trixie looked back and forth amongst each other uneasily, then agreed to let their new friend know.
"She was stabbed to death," said Lynn.
"In the back," said Trixie.
"With a nail file," said Andie.
"Oh my God!" said Stacy. "By who?"
"Our bitter nemeses," Andie said.
"The *other* Fashion Club!" the three girls said in unison, hate in their voices. They looked at the bleachers across the yard, where four other girls with extremely well-groomed hair were sitting and chatting.
Stacy gulped. What had she gotten herself into?
(Black screen. White writing says "Crazy Nutso")
(Daria and Jane on the bare stage)
Daria: I STILL don’t think it was a good idea sending Canadibrit to Crazy’s studio.
Jane: I don’t think we SENT her, actually. She WANTED to go. The lure of a humiliating Upchuck clip was too much to resist. And he said, no personal appearance, no deal.
Daria: Anyway. Crazy Nutso, occasionally known as Bob…
Jane: (imitating Quinn) NO! That’s B-period-O-period-B-period! It stands for Boy On Bike. I didn’t get his name.
Daria: …seemed desperate to make his name as the Crossover King.
Jane: Court jester, more like.
Daria: But with the start of his new series, "The Magical Mystik Spiral Tour", he took a leap into the realm of ‘Canon’ fics. And not a bad leap at that.
Jane: And Canadibrit had a few bad encounters when she visited his studio … SO bad we had to show the whole thing in its entirety.
(Setting: a cheap looking movie studio somewhere on the East Coast of the good ol' US of A. We see a back entrance open, and someone comes in. It's a women in her twenties, who bears a STRIKING resemblance to Daria Morgendorffer. The resemblance is especially notable, as she's dressed orange shirt, green jacket, black skirt and combat boots (sound familiar?) As she comes into the studio, a person walks by her.)
Trent: Hey, Daria.
Canadibrit: Trent! It's me! (sees his blank expression) Canadibrit!
Trent: Oh. Hey Canadibrit. Why are you dressed like that?
Canadibrit: I'm going to be filling in for Daria in a few scenes. The price I pay for getting this blooper reel, I guess. Where is CN anyway?
Trent: Right that way. (points) Good luck. (mutter) You're gonna need it.
Canadibrit heads through a door. We see Crazy Nutso and Upchuck in folding chairs. Upchuck wears a smirk that gets wider when Canadibrit enters. She frowns and takes the last chair.
Canadibrit: What's he doing here?
Crazy: You're going to interview him. (whispers to Canadibrit) He wants to brag about doing his own stunts. Play along, the clip will crucify him!
Canadibrit: (to Crazy) OK. (To Upchuck) So, Upchuck, I hear you do your own stunts.
Upchuck: Yes, as a man of action I prefer to do my own stunts.
Canadibrit: (reading from card) But I bet you would have preferred to have a stunt double during the filming of "Who Framed Janet Barch"...when a rather painful accident occurred.
Upchuck: (to Crazy) You assured me that all copies of that film had been destroyed!
Crazy: Heh, well, you see Upchuck … I lied. Roll film!
(The clip begins)
Jessica turns toward the door for a second. The minute the gun is off of her, Daria rushes toward her. The camera closes in on Daria's hand. She twists her arm, and her stun gun pops into her hand. Jessica is turning back toward her as Daria reaches her. Daria thrusts the stun gun into Jessica's neck, and we hear it go off. Jessica is knocked out, but she fires a shot over Daria's shoulder as she falls.
Suddenly we hear Upchuck scream in pain!
Upchuck: AHH! You shot my (BLEEP)s off!
Crazy: (from off screen) CUT! Ok, walk it off Charles. Walk it off!
(end of clip)
We see that Canadibrit is laughing at poor Upchuck's misfortune.
Canadibrit: He got shot in the (BLEEP)? (laughing)
Upchuck: (in his 'romantic' voice) Don't worry, Canadibrit, they're FINE, and after our scene together I can show you the scar...
Crazy: (interrupts, before Upchuck gets himself killed) Uh, Charles, why don't you wait somewhere ELSE? I call you when we need you. (Upchuck leaves).
Canadibrit: (Eyes narrow, looks at Crazy suspiciously) What scene am I doing with Upchuck?
Crazy: (nervous) Well, you see ... Jane and Daria had a bet, and the loser has to kiss Upchuck...and uh Daria lost. So naturally she insisted on a stand-in. I asked Lynn to do it, but of course she refused...
Canadibrit: And you expect ME to do it. I have a better idea. Why don't we recreate the scene from "Meanwhile Back in Lawndale..." where Helen walks in on Jake giving Amanda Lane a back rub and she slugs him. (cracks her knuckles) I'll be Helen, and you can be Jake. (begins punching her hand in a threatening manner)
Crazy: Um...You know what... I don't think we'll be needing a stand-in after all. Why don't you just run along.
(As she heads toward the door, Upchuck comes back in)
Upchuck: Ready for your close up, my dear? (he puckers up)
Canadibrit: I got your close up RIGHT HERE! (knees him in the groin)
Upchuck: (a few octaves higher than normal) GRR....Feisty!
(As Canadibrit leaves the stage, we see Lynn and AP from 'The Look-Alike series' approach. AP is pushing a barrel on a handtruck. There is a hose coming out of the bottom of the barrel, but we can't see what is at the other end that Lynn is carrying.)
Canadibrit: All set?
Lynn: Locked and loaded.
(She hands something to Canadibrit but we can't tell what it is)
Canadibrit: Thanks, guys!
AP: Anything for you, boss.
Lynn: To hell with that – anything for revenge.
(They exit. Canadibrit holds up a rather lethal looking firearm*)
* This is, in fact, the 'Materminater 2000, the most lethal tomato shooting cannon available. With its quick loading hose attachment, which allows for a 'clip' of nearly 1,500 tomatoes, and a firing speed of 15 tomatoes a second, it is TRULY a formidable weapon.
Canadibrit: This is gonna be SWEET. (turns back) Oh, CN!
(Crazy looks up, sees Canadibrit with the 'Materminater 2000)
Canadibrit: Payback's a bitch!
(Canadibrit pulls the trigger. We see poor Crazy Nutso hit by 1,498 tomatoes in under 2 minutes. Canadibrit calmly tosses the gun aside. The camera pans back to Crazy, who looks like a walking add for ketchup.)
Canadibrit: Now get cleaned up and let’s get this interview thing over with.
Crazy: Um… Yeah. Right.
(clip 1 – "Excess")
(Mack slugs Kevin, knocking him out.)
Crazy: (Off camera) CUT! That was perfect, Mack.
Mack: I don't know. I think we should do it again.
Crazy: We've already done this scene 47 times, Mack.
Mack: I know, but just one more, please?
Crazy: I don't think so.
Mack: OK, then, how about after I slug him, I go over to him and start kicking him (He starts kicking Kevin) like this.
Crazy: No, I don't think so.
(Back in Crazy Nutso’s studio)
Canadibrit: Hey, actors. Go figure. So, apart from that, I hear you had some budget problems. The price you pay for doing a blockbuster series touring the country.
(clip 2 – "Meanwhile, Back In Lawndale…")
Crazy: (narrating) Yeah. Of course, one of the budget problems we had on "Meanwhile Back In Lawndale..." was that we couldn't afford those 'breakaway' bottles that the pros use, so we had to use REAL liquor bottles...that we just happened to...um...find, yeah, that's it.
(shows various scenes of Jake and Helen trying to throw the bottles so that they smash on impact, but the bottles WON'T break.)
(Back in Crazy Nutso’s studio)
Canadibrit: So, anything else for us before we leave you?
Crazy: Here's a lost scene from "Meanwhile Back In Lawndale...", now if you've read that one, you know that it ends with Helen taking a pregnancy test. But in this missing scene, not only is the failure of Helen's birth control explained, but several other potential pregnancies are also introduced!
Canadibrit: Um … didn’t you leave us not knowing whether Helen was pregnant or not in that one?
(Lost footage – "Meanwhile, Back In Lawndale…")
(we see Daria, Jane, Stacy, Andrea, and Jodie riding in a beat up car. Daria and Jodie are in the front, and Jane, Stacy and Andrea are in the back. Stacy, who is in the middle, has a small portable colour TV on her lap, and we zoom in on the screen as Sick, Sad World comes on...)
SSW announcer: …and bringing the renegade pharmacist out now... (We see a short, fat man being led out of a pharmacy by two police officers. He is in handcuffs) (To the Pharmacist) Mr. Ghent, you believe that birth control is defying God's will?
Mr Ghent: Yes. So I've been replacing every one of my customer's birth control pills with fertility drugs...
Jane: OH MY GOD!
Jane: That's OUR pharmacist! He...I .... EEP!
Daria: Then I guess it's a good thing you and Tom haven't....
Jane: No, but think about everyone else....
(Meanwhile in a hotel room somewhere...)
(The fashion club members are all looking at those little pregnancy tests)
Sandi: (looking at Quinn's) That's just TOO, Too bad...
Quinn: Yours is positive too, Sandi!
Meanwhile, in another hotel room...
Ms. Barch: (Looking at a pregnancy test) Oh HELL.
(Mr O'Neill faints)
Ms. Barch: I SURE hope it's a girl.
Meanwhile, in another hotel room...
Ms. Defoe: (on the phone, with a pregnancy test (from now on we'll call them PTs!) in her hand) Anthony, I'm afraid we have a little problem....
Meanwhile, back in Lawndale....
Amanda Lane: (looking at a PT) I thought my karma felt strange.
(flash to the Gupty house)
Lester: What do you MEAN we're going to have another one!
(flash to the Landon house)
Rachel: Dad, why is mom locked in the bathroom, crying?
Andrew: I'm afraid to ask.
(flash to....Aw hell! You get the idea...everyone in Lawndale is 'preggers!!)
(fade out, scene returns to Crazy Nutso’s studio. Crazy Nutso is, apparently, alone.)
Crazy: And so...well, that's all I have for "Behind The Glasses II". And I'm sure Canadibrit would never do anything else mean to me. Hmm ... she wants a cameo in one of my stories ... maybe I could have her in a recurring role as Axl's girlfriend...(we see Crazy frantically writing stuff down.)
Canadibrit: (OS) I HAVE a fiancé, remember?
(Crazy stops writing, a look of pain on his face.)
Crazy: Oh, yeah… The WELSHMAN who barged in on "’Shipper Wars". Let’s show THAT clip.
Canadibrit: (OS) It makes me look as if I have NO taste in men. (beat) Then again, I’m in the studio with YOU…
Crazy: THAT’S IT! ROLL TAPE!
BACKRUB SCENE! Take 1:
(We see Canadibrit behind a desk, getting a backrub from Bob Marley.)
Canadibrit: AH that feels GOOD.
(Suddenly, from offscreen we here a Welsh voice from offscreen.)
Voice: GET your hands off my INTENDED!!
(A LARGE man suddenly runs into the room, knocking Crazy Nutso over and grabbing Bob Marley by the neck. He slams BM into the far wall and holds him there.)
Large Man: Nobody touches my intended and gets away with it!!
(Crazy produces a 'Materminater 45 handgun and blasts the psychotic Welshman in the back with a stun tomato. He falls over backwards, and poor Bob Marley lands on top of him.)
Crazy: So this is the fiancé?
Crazy: Charming fellow!
Crazy: OK people, let’s clear the set and try the scene again. And could SOMEONE make sure the future MR. Canadibrit over here remains sedated?
(Black screen. White writing reads "Diane Long")
(The bare stage. Daria and Jane are laughing)
Jane: (nearly in tears laughing) We gotta STOP! The CAMERAS are on!
Daria: (mirthful) Can’t help it. Ms Smoochy-Jane ‘Shipper-fic-author-from-Hades Diane Long gets her just deserts, next on Sick Sad World!
(The two burst into hysterical laughter.)
Canadibrit: (OS) Since THEY’RE incapable of speech at this point, I’ll try to explain. I got this tape in the post awhile back – just a video tape with an unsigned note reading "To Canadibrit: a video clip for ‘Behind the Glasses II’." I figured I’d watch it, so here goes:
(Snow for a moment, then break to Diane Long’s studio. There are roses, lengths of unidentified silk and general clutter everywhere. Diane herself is perched on a bar-style stool tuning a guitar, sounding a little like Trent practising that one chord over and over in "Road Worrier". Trent approaches.)
Trent: Diane … can I talk to you?
Diane: Sure. I’m not getting anywhere with this anyway…
Trent: Here. Let me help.
(Trent leans around behind her and starts tuning the guitar, quite easily.)
Diane: You’re better at this than we make you out to be in the fan fiction.
Trent: Oh yeah … the fanfics … that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m bailing.
Diane: WHAT? You CAN’T quit! I’m just getting a handle on the Undone follow-up!
(Diane, great softie that she is, starts to cry, but chokes it back and decides to yell instead.)
Diane: You KNOW you’re going to get hauled up on the carpet by the MTV execs, don’t you? I’m looking forward to watching Glenn and Susie chew you out for denying them the advertising. The ‘Shippers LOVE my fics and they’re a good half of the audience! You’re gonna get WHIPPED!
Trent: I don’t care. I’m not gonna sit around for an Undone follow-up. Couldn’t bear that. No way.
Diane: Oh, come ON, Trent. You know I was only kidding when I said I felt like making you suffer. If you’re going to get bent out of shape about every delirium-induced statement I make, maybe I AM better off without you. A whole lot of fic authors manage by setting Daria up with someone else…
Trent: It’s not that! I just don’t want you to set me and Daria up again, that’s all!
(Short pause. Diane looks flabbergasted)
Diane: Why not?
Trent: So many fanfic authors have me and Daria … um … together. I’m tired of it. I want to try a real grrl for a change.
Diane: But Daria IS…
Trent: I don’t mean HER. I mean YOU.
(Stunned silence. Diane looks at him wide-eyed.)
Trent: So … wanna go for Chinese after this?
Diane: Look, Trent … I don’t think that would work. I’m married … you’re a fictional character … you’re a transient being and I’m … probably going insane. (mutter) Damn, damn Finance classes have finally broken my mind…
(Diane tries to get out of the stool but Trent stands in front of her, blocking her path. Before she can swerve, he puts his hands on her shoulders and kisses her on the cheek.
Diane: Um … I … Oh, GOD, I’ve gotta get help…
Diane: Get AWAY from me – you’re a figment of the collected imaginations of a legion of fans and I’ve gone around the bloody blue bend!
(And at this point, muffled laughter is heard. Diane and Trent turn their heads to see Daria and Jane poking their heads around a corner. Jane is doubled over laughing.)
Daria: (deadpan; pointing directly at hidden camera) Smile. You’re on Candid Camera.
Diane: (blush) I should have known. This was all some sick, twisted joke.
Jane: (laughing) Well, we’ve done the works of Crazy Nutso, Danny Bronstein, Pete Guerin, Canadibrit AND that God-awful "Depth Takes A Holiday". Our senses of humour are warped beyond recognition by now.
Daria: Consider this payback.
Trent: Romantic mush. Day in, day out romantic mush from you. Even the one where you break Daria and I up is mush-laden.
Jane: How do you like it, my smoochy namesake?
Diane: (sigh) I see. Have you got this out of your system now?
Daria: (smirk) Not quite.
(Jane picks up a pink satin princess hat – one of those ones shaped like an ice cream cone – with gauze and ribbons in various shades of pink hanging from the tip.)
Daria: Okay, here’s the deal. You stop with the ‘Shipper fics … or wear the hat.
Diane: (defiant) You’re fictional characters. I don’t have to take this from you.
Trent: So that’s a no, huh?
Diane: Damn right it’s a no!
Jane: I’m so glad you said that. Otherwise all this work would have been for nothing. Hold her down.
Diane: AUGH! NO!
(Daria helps Trent hold Diane by the arms. Jane puts the hat on Diane’s head and ties it under her chin with ribbons. Diane squirms and shrieks as Daria and Trent turn her to face the camera.)
Jane: We KNOW Canadibrit has a sense of revenge. Do the duty by us, C’brit. Use the screen captures from this day wisely.
(Jane steps forward and reaches towards the camera. The camera cuts off into snow.)
(The bare stage. Daria and Jane are still laughing.)
Daria: Hey Canadibrit? What did you do with the screen captures?
Canadibrit: (OS) You’ll have to ask Crazy Nutso about that. I forwarded him a copy and told him to go wild.
(Daria and Jane look at each other for a moment … then laugh so hard they fall over backwards on their chairs.)
(Black screen. White writing reads "John Takis")
Jane: The fanfic author formerly known as "New Meat"!
Daria: They don’t call him that anymore.
Jane: But I LIKED that nickname!
Daria: Let’s just show the clip.
(Voxpop – John Takis)
TAKIS: "Love at First Slight" was my debut fic. It was written before I had really entered the whole Internet scene, so I wasn't really aware of the whole 'Shipper thing. It also represents an important developmental fic for me in that I was still working on the basics of subplots, character, length, etc. Anyway, this scene featuring Upchuck is set midway through the fic. It was originally intended to express Daria's personal insecurity and possible jealousy of Trent's new girlfriend Doxie. Finishing the scene, I decided it was a bit too contrived and slightly out of character, so I removed it. This scene was replaced with the hallway scene, which involved a slightly more appropriate Daria/Upchuck interaction.
(Clip 1 – "Love At First Slight")
(A bell rings. We cut to lunch at the courtyard. Daria and Jane are sitting and eating lunch.)
JANE: So then Mr. O'Neill asks us to write an alternate ending to "Romeo & Juliet" with a happier, more optimistic finish.
DARIA: What did you write?
JANE: (shrugs) I followed the instructions. After they kill themselves, the monk who sold them the poison threatens to go public with documented evidence of the affair and blackmails their wealthy families into financing his chain of apothecaries.
DARIA: Profit out of tragedy. I'm sure Mr. O'Neill saw the optimism in that (eyes widening slightly) Is that Trent?
JANE: (turning to look) On a high-school campus?
(We see Trent standing outside his car, looking around for Jane.)
JANE: I'd better go see what he wants before Mrs. Barch sees him. He still owes her a senior thesis-paper.
(Even as Jane leaves, Upchuck sits down, uninvited and without waiting for protests.)
UPCHUCK: So Daria, I overheard you discussing issues of feminine wiles with Brittany in geometry class. I know you're too shy to come to me, so I gladly offer my services as provider of inter-gender knowledge.
(Daria ignores him, watching Jane talk to Trent. We cut to them.)
TRENT: Mom sent me. She's running low on supplies.
JANE: (raising an eyebrow) Has she touched anything in my room?
(Back to Daria and Upchuck.)
DARIA: (to Upchuck) Hold my hand.
UPCHUCK: I know you resist me, but-- wha???
DARIA: Don't ask questions. I'm conducting an experiment.
UPCHUCK: (taking her hand) Why, Daria. I never knew. That you of all people would yearn for my gentle caress ...
DARIA: Put a sock in it, Upchuck.
(We move to Jane and Trent.)
JANE: Look, Trent, go back home and tell Mom I am not holding out on her. If she's out of sequins, get some on the way home.
(We cut back to Daria and Upchuck. Daria watches as Trent gets into his car. As he opens the door, we can see that Doxie is also in the car, preening in front of a makeup compact. Trent does glance in Daria's direction, but before he notices anything, Doxie reaches through the window and turns him around. He gets into his car and drives away.)
DARIA: Damn! (tosses Upchuck's hand away)
UPCHUCK: Oh, fickle Daria ...
DARIA: Here's twenty bucks to not say a word about this to anyone.
UPCHUCK: Foul temptress! You have taken my heart! I cannot take your money!
DARIA: Here's twenty more never to touch me again.
UPCHUCK: (rapidly snatching the money) As you wish.
(Upchuck leaves, fingering the cash. Jane returns and sits down.)
JANE: What did Upchuck want?
DARIA: What does he ever want? What was that all about with Trent?
JANE: (shrugging) My Mom thinks I've been stealing her art supplies.
DARIA: Are you?
JANE: Of course!
(Black screen. White writing reads "Rey Fox")
Daria: The table-reads.
Jane: The ‘kooky’-ness.
Daria: The faux-cool speak that rivals Jake on a bad day.
Jane: Let’s let Rey’s outtake speak for itself.
(Clip 1 – "Choice of a Skewed Generation" – the table-read)
[Int. A conference room, big table in the middle, chairs all around it, coffee table and water-cooler off to the side, bulletin board and posters on the wall, generally messy. Daria, Jane, the F.C., Kevin, Brittany, Brooke, and Andrea sit on the sides of the table, at the head is a short-ish college-age guy with scraggly medium-brown hair, blue-grey eyes, and a loose-fitting green-and-navy flannel shirt over an ash-grey shirt with "Property of Deep 13 Athletics" written on it. We'll refer to him as...Rey.]
REY: Okay, starting table read for Episode RTF-06, "Choice of a Skewed Generation."
DARIA: (Sceptical.) We're keeping it real this time, right, Rey?
REY: Yes, we're keeping it real, kickin' it old school. You down?
DARIA: (Rolls eyes.) Yes, I'm *jiggy* with it, let's go.
REY: Okay, opening scene, cafeteria, Daria and Jane are sitting down to lunch on an ordinary day at Lawndale High.
DARIA: That's *always* how the worst ones start...
REY: (Sarcastic.) Yeah, tell me about it, Scene 1.
DARIA: (Reads mechanically.) So tell me more about...these alien mind control devices.
JANE: (Also reading mechanically.) Well, they are- (Looks up from script.) So I'm a wacko alien theorist now?
REY: No, no, you're just going on one of your tangents, you know, at the start of the show, you and Daria talk about weird things... (Jane is still staring at him.) You know?
JANE: (Flat.) Tangents. That's nice.
REY: Oh come on, like the puppets thing was any better.
JANE: Yeah, puppets, funny, makes perfect sense. I think you have me confused with Artie.
REY: No, it works! You don't really believe it, it's just...kooky!
DARIA AND JANE: KOOKY?!
REY: (Long pause.) Yeah.
[Daria and Jane look at each other for a long-ish time.]
DARIA: We'll kill you *after* the table read.
(Clip 2 – "Choice of a Skewed Generation" – the table-read)
[Int. Conference room, later on.]
DARIA: (Reading with more feeling.) Everybody in the school wears the same brand names anyway.
BROOKE: (In grand Acting! voice.) Yeah, 'cept us (dramatic pause) 'cause we're...**COOL**.
REY: Uh, could you tone down that "cool" a bit?
BROOKE: Huh? Um... Yeah, except for *us* (pause) because we (pause) are **COOL**.
REY: Could you maybe knock the asterisks off?
REY: You got too many asterisks on "cool", and on "us", too, in fact, I don't remember it being capitalized, either.
BROOKE: Well I'm just putting *emphasis* on it!
REY: Well...it doesn't *need* that much *emphasis*. We're not doing Shakespeare here.
DARIA: *That's* for sure.
REY: (Losing patience.) Hey, do you *want* to do Shakespeare? Well there are *plenty* of Shakespeare festivals out there where you can wear pretty costumes and "prithee" 'til your heart's content and give up this lucrative deal with MTV is this isn't *good* enough for your *exclusive* tastes!
[Everybody stares at Rey.]
ANDREA: (Breaking the silence.) Um, out of curiosity, am I this one?
ANDREA: (Gets up from her seat and heads for the door, grumbling.) He'll pay...they'll all pay...some day...they will pay... (Slams door.)
REY: Uh, Brooke? Go from your last line.
BROOKE: (A bit spaced out.) Oh! Okay...hold on... (Scans script, goes into full Shatner Mode.) Yes. Except...for *us*. Because we...are... **COOL**.
[More silence, everyone rolls their eyes, Rey buries his head in his hands.]
(Clip 3 – "Choice of a Skewed Generation")
[Int. Lawndale High hallway, drinking fountain. Jane is taking a drink.]
BROOKE: Uh, hi, Daria, Jane. How's it going?
DARIA: (A tad defensive.) It's going. Do I know you?
[Jane suddenly starts hacking violently.]
REY: (OS) CUT!
JANE: It's okay, (cough) just went down the wrong tube (hack, hack), give me a sec.
BROOKE: It's like, he's...(pathos) *always* asking my name, 'cause he keeps forgetting. Next time he does, (Looks skyward, face lightens as if receiving the Word of God.) I wanna say something like... **MADONNA** ...or something, that would *totally* screw him up.
JANE: (Looks uneasy.) Well, it's... (Starts hacking again.)
REY: (OS) CUT!
(Clip 4 – "Choice of a Skewed Generation")
[Ext. Lawndale Stadium, under scoreboard. Quinn is on her mark.]
REY: (OS) ACTION!
[Quinn jumps into the air and grabs the string hanging from Jane's rolled-up banner nailed onto the scoreboard. The string comes off.]
REY: CUT! Attach the string more securely!
[Quinn jumps again, pulls the string, and the entire banner comes loose.]
QUINN: AAAGGHH!! (Banner falls on her head, still rolled up.)
(Clip 5 – "Choice of a Skewed Generation")
[Ext. Lawndale High, Sebastian and Serenity's table. The male suit and Serenity have just been hit with tomatoes thrown by Daria and Sandi, who are hiding behind the corners of the wall behind the table. They turn on each other.]
MALE SUIT: Pinko BRAT!
SERENITY: Corporate PIG!
[Vegetable fight ensues, extras crowd around and cheer on the combatants.]
REY: (OS) Okay, cut! That's a wrap, great work. I said CUT!
[Fight is still going on, Daria, Jane, and several extras have gotten into it, the extras are rushing towards the catering table, which, conveniently enough, is covered with veggies, although there is a high concentration of...'maters.]
[Montage: Quick shots of food fight from different cameras.]
-Bedlam on the set, extras throwing 'maters at everybody, having a great time.
-Jane chucking 'mater after 'mater at Daria.
-Sandi running away, getting pelted. She falls to the ground and groans, a la the "Apocalypse Now" ending of "The Daria Hunter."
-Serenity mercilessly pummelling the Suits, chanting "WTO! Hell no!"
-Rey pleading for everyone to stop, and naturally, getting gang-'matered.
[Beep, end montage.]
(Black screen. White writing reads "Ben Yee")
Daria: Oh, yeah. The death march continues.
Jane: She’s just bitter because of all the suicide fics she’s been in lately.
Daria: Suicide and ‘Shipper in one fell swoop. God, I almost wish we’d KEPT this outtake.
Jane: But BEN said…
(Voxpop – Ben Yee)
Ben: This was cut from my latest, "Showdown at the Lawndale Corral." I decided it was too silly even for me.
(Clip 1 – "Showdown at the Lawndale Corral")
( [Trent] leaned over to Daria. "Boy, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquis--"
Daria clamped her hand over his mouth. "Don’t you dare even THINK about finishing that sentence! Not with THIS author running things!")
Helen looked at them both. "What’s wrong with not expecting the Spanish Inquisition?"
Daria and Trent spoke as one. "Oh no!"
Suddenly, someone dressed in a Catholic Cardinal’s outfit and with a thick British accent appeared. "NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again." He disappeared.
Daria rolled her eyes. "Oh cut it out."
The someone re-entered. "Are you" <pointing at Helen> "having trouble getting the truth from this unbeliever?"
Daria glared at him. "Cut it out!"
"Biggles! Fetch... the soft cushions!" There was a sudden jarring chord.
Daria looked at him harder. "Look, if you don’t get off of Ben’s computer and back into his TV, I shall tell … The Joke!" There was a notable absence of a jarring chord.
"Cardinal Fang! Fetch! The comfy chair!" Another jarring chord.
Daria sighed. "I didn’t want to have to do this! Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?"
The fake cardinal yelped in fear and started running. "Agh!"
"Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
The cardinal fell over laughing and vanished into thin air. Helen looked at Daria. "Was that supposed to be German?"
"It’s bad fake German. It only works on Monty Python characters." All of them stared at each other, having completely forgotten the topic.
Then Daria sighed. "And now for something completely different."
(Black screen. White writing reads "Daniel Suni")
Daria: Now HIS I like. Maybe not the most sympathetic soul in the world…
Jane: And he’s teaching me to curse in Finnish. Which is so cool!
Daria: Well, he’s funny and he’s got the "Daria sarcasm ‘thing’" down pat. But one thing Daniel Suni is *not* known for as an author is a clear outline and having a fixed purpose with the script...
(Clip 1 – "Hotter Than Hades")
DANIEL [V.O.]: Aaaand, ACTION!
SCENE: A FEW HUNDRED FEET INTO THE WOODS FROM THE CAR (SUFFERING FROM A FUEL STOP) BY THE DIRT ROAD, QUINN HAS SUFFERED A HEAT-STROKE AND IS UNCONSCIOUS.
(We see a very small, very muddy rivulet. Daria is struggling to get Quinn there, but finally manages. She puts Quinn down, head toward the rivulet. Looks at her, smiles a wry smile, then proceeds to wet Quinn's head with the muddy water. She smears her entire head. Hair, scalp, face, the whole lot. As she smears the face---)
QUINN: (Suddenly sits up.) HEY! You're getting mud into my eyes, you jerk!
DANIEL [V.O.]: CUT!
DARIA: Sorry, but according to the script I'm supposed to smear your entire face.
QUINN: Yeah, but not my eyeballs, and besides the *script sucks*!
DANIEL [V.O.]: HEY!
DARIA: (To author. Smiling.) *I* like it, if that makes you feel any better.
QUINN: (Offended.) Of course you like it, but do you like *this*? (Picks up a handful of mud, and throws it in Daria's face.)
DARIA: (Removes her mud-covered glasses so that she can see.) HEY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!?
DANIEL [V.O.]: (Sees where this is going.) CUT IT OUT, WILL 'YA!
DARIA: Well, if it's war you want... (Picks up more mud and squeezes a handful of it inside Quinn's shirt.)
(A mudfight breaks out.)
DANIEL [V.O.]: SECURITY!!!
(Two security guards rush onto the scene and separate the fighters.)
JANE [V.O.]: (Speaking to the author.) You know, I actually like this better than the original script.
DANIEL [V.O.]: (Annoyed.) Shut up! (Continues to the rest of the staff.) You two: Get yourselves cleaned up. The rest of you, take a coffee break.
DANIEL [V.O.]: Action!
(We see a very small, very muddy rivulet. Daria is struggling to get Quinn there, but finally manages. She puts Quinn down, head toward the rivulet. Looks at her, smiles a wry smile, then proceeds to wet Quinn's head with the muddy water. She smears her entire head. Hair, scalp, face, the whole lot. Everything seems to go all right this time...)
DANIEL [V.O.]: (Whispering to himself.) Good, good. Just a few more seconds...
QUINN: (Sits up.) HEY! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!
DANIEL [V.O.]: CUT, DAMMIT, CUT!!!
DARIA: Did what?
QUINN: Got mud inside my shirt!
DANIEL [V.O.]: SECURITY!!!
(The security guards rush in before anything happens.)
DANIEL [V.O.]: Okay. This is very simple: Quinn... LIE BACK DOWN!!!
QUINN: No, I won't! Look what she did to me!
DANIEL [V.O.]: Rrrrrrgh! IT'S IN THE SCRIPT, DAMMIT!!!
QUINN: The script says hair, and face - not neck, or inside my blouse!
DANIEL [V.O.]: Well, I suppose I could *change* the script, then...
QUINN: Yeah, do that. It stinks.
DANIEL [V.O.]: (As he's scribbling in his notebook) Daria... smears... Quinn... *all over* with mud.
(Daria smirks. Quinn looks shocked.)
QUINN: No, no. Uh... (Pleading voice.) Let's go back to the old script, huh?
DANIEL [V.O.]: Okay, if you say so... (Tears up the page he was writing. Turns to the entire filming crew.) Okay, we already have the scene where Daria *starts* smearing Quinn with mud, we can just shoot the part where she *finishes* it, and then cut away all this crap.
(Everyone gets into position.)
DANIEL [V.O.]: Action!
(Daria starts putting the final touches to Quinn's mud-outfit, but she barely gets started before---)
QUINN: (Sits up and starts picking mud out of her ear.) YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE AGAIN!!!
DANIEL [V.O.]: CUT, CUT, CUT!!!! VOI V<BLEEP>EN KEVÄT, JA KYR<BLEEP> TAKATALVI!!!
SECURITY GUARD #1: What did he say?
SECURITY GUARD #2: Something in Finnish, I think...
SECURITY GUARD #1: But I thought his native language was Swedish?
SECURITY GUARD #2: It is, but he often swears in Finnish. (pause) He claims that language has much "juicier" expressions for that sort of thing.
SECURITY GUARD #1: I don't think I want to know what he means by that...
SECURITY GUARD #2: Me neither.
DANIEL [V.O.]: SECUUURITY, DAMMIT!!!!
(The Quinn/Daria conflict has been escalating during the conversation, the security guards rush in, but Quinn hits Daria in the face just before they get there, and her nose starts bleeding. Daria lunges at Quinn, but is prevented by the guards.)
DARIA: (Menacing.) You just signed your own coroner's report. They can't hold me forever.
(Author enters the view for the first time.)
DANIEL: HEY! I JUST HAD I GREAT IDEA! (With the totally oblivious enthusiasm reached only by scientists that are close to a major breakthrough, and wannabe artists who feel their muse is speaking to them.) Get the ambulance here! Get Helen, Jake and the paramedics! (Points at Daria and Quinn.) You two, get yourselves ready too! (To the cameramen.) And get those cameras back up to the road.
DARIA: Can't I at least wait until my nose *stops bleeding*?
DANIEL: (Scribbling something in a notebook.) No, no! Let it bleed! It's needed for the scene!
DARIA: Excuse me? What scene?
DANIEL: I just changed the script! (Hands papers to Daria and Quinn.) Quinn *will* hit you. No, no don't press on that, you'll stop the bleeding! We want this to look *real*
DANIEL: (Oblivious.) Oh, boy. This is great! She'll hit you, you'll get some nifty one-liners, and this way we even get a nice finale to the story! We can shoot this scene later. (Shouting in a different direction.) HAVE YOU GOT THOSE CAMERAS IN PLACE YET?!
DARIA: (To Quinn.) Let’s get this over with, shall we? Then we can kill him together when we're finished.
QUINN: Fair enough.
(Black screen. White writing reads "Matt")
Daria: (leafing through big stack of papers) What is this?
Jane: He wrote the whole contribution. Every line he wanted said.
Daria: Who’s HOST? We don’t have a host. WE’RE the host.
Jane: (screaming offstage) WELL? WHAT NOW, HERR DIRECTOR?
Canadibrit: (OS) Ad lib! And DON’T CALL ME THAT!
Daria: (reading aloud) "Recent newcomer"? That’s kind of redundant, isn’t it?
Jane: Matt’s been kind of hard to reach lately as he’s immersed in his latest crossover epic ‘Cynic Wars: Episode VI: Return of the Cynical’. A little later on we’ll get an inside look at that fic which is scheduled to come out around the New Year.
(Cut to a scene of the Lane basement)
DARIA: In addition to some great crossovers, Matt has recently released two non-crossovers ‘No More Amour!’ and ‘Thanks, but no Thanks-giving’. Matt tries to keep the stories realistic, but the actors just can’t help ad-libbing occasionally, just for the hell of it.
(From ‘No More Amour!’)
(Daria cringes as if she expects Trent to hit her.)
DARIA: I’m ready for my rejection now......................
(Trent rises from the couch and approaches Daria)
TRENT: I’ve been totally oblivious up to now...but in the five seconds I’ve known you’re in love with me, I’ve learned that I love you too, Daria!
(Daria and Trent embrace and kiss passionately. Mild laughter is heard off camera)
TRENT: Let’s elope, Daria!
DARIA: Yes, Trent! Let’s never be apart again!
(Daria and Trent start moaning. Laughter gets much louder. Matt enters the shot holding out the script)
MATT: Cut! Cut! Um, those were some cool ad-libs, Trent. But the script says you were supposed to fall asleep.
(Trent and Daria break apart and join in the laughter)
TRENT: I thought that was kinda boring. Thought maybe this would be better.
(Crew laughs again.)
MATT: Sheesh. Who’s directing this thing? Me or Diane Long? (throws the script away and laughs, crew laughs again) Let’s take it from the top...
JANE: (into the phone) Yo! Hey............no.............yes.............only in my, uh, your dreams, blah! Yes, I blew the line! I know! (seductively) So, what are you wearing? (Daria bursts out laughing)
DARIA: (angrily) Why the hell does everyone keep saying that?!
UPCHUCK: You know, Daria, there are rare times when I, Upchuck Rutth, er (Daria snickers) Charles Ruttheimer (laughs) III stumble over my lines and so a really lousy job of covering it. (laughter is heard off-camera)
JANE: Let me finish, rude girl! Anyway, she’s had it bad for him since she met him. She’s totally fell for him, she’s in love, she’s..............(notices Jodie is looking at something behind her) She’s behind me, isn’t she?
JODIE: It’s been nice knowing you, Jane. (Jodie leaves Jane to her fate and leaves the lunchroom.)
(Jane turns around and sees Daria glaring at her notebook as she writes.)
JANE: um, what’cha writing?
DARIA: Um......(laughs) my line, that way I might remember it when we do the next take.
(Jane and Daria laugh)
(Clip 2 – "Thanks But No Thanks-giving")
DARIA: And you’ve been trying so hard.......for about fifteen years.
HELEN: Daria! (getting sweet) So how was your day?
DARIA: (deadpan) Went to school, did schoolwork......forgot some lines....(Morgendorffers laugh)
(back to Daria and Jane)
JANE: Of course not all bloopers are actors forgetting their lines. A lot of physical comedy occurs when actors make choreography mistakes. And there were plenty of those in episodes I, IV, and V of ‘Cynic Wars’
DARIA: Mostly in episode 1. And they say never work with pets or children but let THIS sort of thing happen onstage…
(Clip 3 – "Cynic Wars – The Fashion Menace")
(Amy-Won leaps to the attack, however, instead of crossing light sabres with Darth Paul, she slips and falls.)
AMY: (laughing) I’ve fallen! And I can’t get up! (Amy, Paul, and Ellie all laugh. Matt enters holding a Band-Aid)
MATT: Here ya’ go! I take good care of my actors.....(crew laughs)
ELLI-GON: Jake, tell them to take off! (To Darth Paul) A black robe in the desert? You must be burning up............
(Darth Paul fans himself for a moment, Elli-Gon takes advantage of his distraction and attempts to kick him in the balls. However, she misses. The two actors look at each other in silence for a moment.)
PAUL: That hurt just thinking about it! (He grabs his nuts and pretends to fall to the ground in pain. Ellie laughs)
(Cut back to the bare stage. Canadibrit sits with Daria and Jane.)
CANADIBRIT: (to camera) We needed a host. Sorry. I’ll get out of your collective face as soon as I can. (to Daria and Jane) You two complain about me, but I never hear you talk about anyone else. What has it been like working with Matt?
JANE: Terrible! Have you seen the Yoda suit he makes me wear for this thing?! I look like a freak!
DARIA: I guess we could do worse. He could write another Titanic spoof....
JANE: Still haven’t forgiven him or that one, eh? Well, at least you get to kick ass in this one.
DARIA: That’s true. Matt really lets me explore my character’s ‘ass-kicking’ side. Most writers have me just making wise cracks or swooning over Trent. So beating people up is a good change of pace.
JANE: But lately he’s been getting worse … and it’s YOUR fault!
CANADIBRIT: How so?
DARIA: Well, Matt received two nominations for best crossover in the Canadibrit Fan Fiction Awards, but he didn’t win.....
JANE: Well, that’s why this project is so overdue, he’s sweating every little detail.
DARIA: Matt thinks he should have won the award, so he’s making our lives hell trying too hard to win the next one....
MATT: OK, time for the next shot!
DARIA: Aww, come on.
MATT: We’re on a tight schedule here, Daria. I need you to go out there....
DARIA: What if I don’t?
MATT: (smirking) Well, I could rewrite the ending to where you and Trent have a storybook wedding broadcast to the entire galaxy.....with some really mushy vows!
DARIA: (shudders) I’m ready for the next shot.....son of a....(mumbles the rest)
(Daria and Matt exit)
JANE: See what we mean?
CANADIBRIT: Yikes! (to Jane) Um … can you finish this up?
JANE: No problem.
(Cut to a forest set.)
JANE: For this final episode, our heroes set foot on the forest moon of Endor. Their objective is to bring down the defences of the Empire’s latest space station, the MALL of the MILLENNIUM! while down there, they meet a curious life-form, the fuzzy wuzzy weebits and their chief, played by Dianne Bennett.
BENNETT: It was a great honor to be in this story. Most writers forget I even exist. They all write about DeMartino, or Barch, or O’Neill. Hell, Even Dr. Manson gets more exposure than me, and she was only in one damn episode! (blushes) But I’m not bitter about it or anything.....
(Cut to a shot of Quinn)
QUINN: I think those guys are cute. Most stuff Matt wrote in this series are all fights, and people fighting and dying and getting their hair messed up and stuff. I’m glad he was able to write something cute for once.
(Cut to a scene from the fic. Quinn is sitting on a log facing a fuzzy-wuzzy weebit)
QUINN: I’m like, lost or something. could you tell me where I am?
CANADIBRIT: (VO) For many of the parts of the fuzzy-wuzzy weebits, Matt cast some of his fellow writers. The lawsuits are pending. This particular weebit is a ‘shipper’ weebit. She is played by Invisigoth Gypsy.
WEEBIT: Grrrrrr! (takes out a small red object)
QUINN: Is that a tomato?
WEEBIT: ‘MATER!!!!! (Hurls the ‘mater at Quinn and splatters her)
(Cut to a shot of a pit under Axl’s tattoo palace. Daria slides in and looks around)
Jane: (VO) Daria is plunges into this pit after she fails to rescue Trent, Quinn, and the droids. For her battle she must face not one, but two giant creatures known as Butt-Ranchors. Played by none other than Daria’s former nemesis Beavis and Butthead.
BUTT-HEAD: (deep voice to emphasize his size) Uh huh huh huh! Whoa.....a chick. (Reaches for Daria) Hey, baby!
BEAVIS: (equally ‘giant’ voice) I dunno, Butt-head. She’s kinda flat.....heh heh heh
DARIA: (self-consciously looks at her chest then picks up a rock and heaves it, nailing Beavis in the balls. Beavis falls over in pain) Hey, now you’re flat too!
(Cut to a shot of Daria in a director’s chair.)
DARIA: Unfortunately, Beavis and Butt-Head were superimposed into the shot, so I didn’t really hurt them while filming this......dammit.
(Cut to a shot of Matt in his director’s chair)
CANADIBRIT: You know, there is a rumor that this project is over budget and delayed several times because you are trying to make it perfect to win a fanfic award... You’re not taking the whole fan fiction awards concept THAT seriously, are you?
MATT: That’s ridiculous! Who told you that?! I don’t need any awards to know I’m a good writer! (Matt gets up and walks towards the camera) No more questions! Turn that thing off! (Matt takes a swing at the camera, all that is seen after is fuzz....)
(Black screen. White writing reads "Kara Wild")
(Daria and Jane in director’s chairs. Angry grumbling from behind the cameras.)
Canadibrit: (OS) Bloody overly-temperamental Americans and … I’m gonna go call Paperpusher about a lawsuit… You two take it on your own.
Daria: Kara Wild put me in a house with Kevin, Sandi and Upchuck. One day she WILL pay.
Jane: Oh, come on, it wasn’t THAT bad.
Daria: AND she had to cut out the parental humiliation scene.
Jane: She WILL pay…
(Lost footage: "Surreal World")
SCENE ## (Pepsi room, evening)
(Shaky shot of Daria sitting at a desk in the corner, phone at her ear. Helen and Jake are on the other end, but we can't see them. Instead, in funky lettering overhead, we see the words "Daria's Mom and Dad," with a big squiggly arrow pointing to the phone. Daria looks deadpan to the extreme.)
HELEN: (from the receiver. exasperated) Daria, is it *so* hard to give these kids a *chance*?
HELEN: But *why*?
(Just then, a football sails onscreen and knocks over a potted plant that was sitting on the desk. Daria cringes as it smashes on the ground, then resumes her deadpan state.)
DARIA: Because... we have nothing in common.
JAKE: (from the receiver) Well, kiddo, if you need your mom, sister --
QUINN: (from very far off in the distance) *Cousin*!
JAKE: -- and me to come over and rescue you, well that'd be --
DARIA: (patient) Now, Dad, we've been over this...
HELEN: (irritated) Jake, for the *last* time, she doesn't want her family coming over and *embarrassing* her!
JAKE: (whimpering) But I wanna try out the share box...
(Helen groans. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: You know, Mom, I'd've thought that *you* of all people would've seen through this thinly-veiled exercise in youth exploitation.
HELEN: What do you mean??
DARIA: Here we are, a bunch of minors running around *unsupervised*, getting into mischief as only teenagers can. Working at a twenty-one or older nightclub --
HELEN: (indignant) They *insisted* those drinks would be non-alcoholic!
DARIA: Ooh I'm sure. But the fact that you haven't shone your lawyer radar on them, yet --
HELEN: Oh *honestly*, Daria, any activity where you have opportunities to interact with other students and come out of your shell are *fine* with me. Now if you'll excuse me, I have many, *many* depositions to go through...
JAKE: Yeah, and I've got stuff, too, kiddo!
HELEN: Oh, but... before we go. (Bt. voice takes on crooning, inviting tone.) Sweetie, I don't suppose one of these days, you could make an offhand reference to what I do in a general conversation, could you?
DARIA: Excuse me?
HELEN: Like, oh say you're at breakfast, and you casually let it slip that your mother's a successful lawyer who's worked her damn *butt* off to deliver quality legal service to the community.
DARIA: But they already know what you do. And those who don't know, don't care.
HELEN: (slightly exasperated chuckle) Heh-heh... well perhaps, then, you could really *emphasize* how important my job is to them.
DARIA: Emphasize, eh? (glances sideways -- pan over to show a camera. rolls her eyes.) Ooh, I get it.
JAKE: Yeah, kiddo, and maybe you could bring up how your old man's one *hell* of a marketing consultant. It'd be *great* advertising... to your fellows, I mean.
DARIA: Will do. (Bt) Oh, and Mom and Dad, there's something I ought to tell you.
HELEN: What, honey?
JAKE: Yeah, don't be shy.
DARIA: The phones in this house are bugged with small microphones – which means that when this footage airs, the audience will have heard *every* word you just said.
HELEN: Oh-ho-hohhh, well look at the time!
JAKE: We really oughta be going!
(Quick click on the other end, followed by a dial tone. Daria smirks wickedly.)
DARIA: I so enjoy quality phone time.
(Back to Daria and Jane.)
Jane: (smirk) Remember the bird?
Daria: Well, at least she scratched THAT scene…
(Lost footage: "Surreal World")
(Daria and Sandi are sitting at the kitchen counter. Daria's eating cereal, Sandi's grooming herself. Suddenly a turkey vulture flies onscreen and rests on Daria's head. Daria glances upward, a startled expression on her face.)
DARIA: Why is there a large bird on me?
SANDI: Eww. Well you know how "The Real World" has a fish tank with seven fish that, like, reflect the housemates' *personalities*? Well we get birds.
DARIA: (sardonic) Let me guess: this one's *mine*.
SANDI: You should've chosen one *sooner*. (proud) I got the cute peacock.
DARIA: Well la-di-da-- (suddenly goes pale, shudders.) *Ughhhhhhhhhhhh*!!
SANDI: (looking at Daria's head) Ewww! Like, *that* wasn't in the script.
KARA: (offscreen) CUT!
(Daria and Sandi are sitting at the kitchen counter. Suddenly the turkey vulture flies onscreen and smacks into the back of Daria's head, causing her to drop her spoon and spew cereal.)
KARA: (offscreen) Ugh, *let's* take it from the top!
(Shot of Daria and Sandi sitting at the kitchen counter. The turkey vulture flies up and lands on Daria's head.)
DARIA: Why is there a large bird on me?
SANDI: Eww. Well, you know h--
SANDI: ...how --
SANDI: Would you --?!
DARIA: We can't --
DARIA & SANDI: Would you *SHUT UP*?!
KARA: (offscreen) CUUUUT!!
(Shot of Sandi sitting at the kitchen counter. Daria walks up, carrying a tray on which there's a roasted bird. Sandi looks at it, gets a stunned expression on her face.)
SANDI: You *didn't* --?
DARIA: (grim) It was either *him*, or me.
(Black screen. White writing reads "Guy Payne".)
Daria: She set up a hidden camera in a Guy Payne pre-production meeting? How…
Jane: She invented Lynn Cullen and you have to ask?
Daria: Point taken. But WHY?
Jane: Laughter at our expense. Why else?
Daria: (looking at the camera) I hate you.
(A Guy Payne pre-production meeting – "The Blue and Yellow Submarine")
Guy Payne and the cast all seated around a large conference table, complete with snack foods, along with pens and paper for notes. It is the end of the meeting... the snacks have been devastated, but the pens and paper are still, with a couple of exceptions, pristine.
Guy: Okay, any questions before we close this meeting?
Daria is the first to raise her hand.
Daria: Mr. Payne...
Guy: No formalities are necessary here, Daria, just call me Guy.
Daria: Um, okay, Guy... I've found some of my lines to be blatantly out of character.
Guy: No worries, just make a note of them, and I'll... [she produces and passes to me a huge sheaf of papers]... ah... hammer out a rewrite. Is this all?
Daria [Mona Lisa smile]: Yes, that should cover it.
Guy: Yeah... okay, any more questions? (Trent’s hand goes up) Yes, Trent?
Trent: Yeah, I was just wondering, do we, like, have to learn any Beatles songs for this?
Guy: Um, Trent... I'm beginning to get a little concerned here. You have read the script, haven't you?
Trent: Oh, yeah man, no problem...
Guy: Good, good...
Trent: I'll look over it tonight.
As a body, the Fashion Club raise their hands.
Guy: As I have stated before, any problems about your costumes should be taken up with wardrobe, and no, Tiffany, none of them make you look fat.
Three hands lower.
Guy: Yes, Stacy?
Stacy: Um, I was just wondering, is it really necessary that Quinn...
Guy: Yes, Stacy, it is.
Quinn: And why, may I ask?
Guy: Because it's in Sandi's contract, just as anything bad that happens to Sandi is in your contract. If neither of you are happy with that, I suggest you take it up with your agents.
They give each other a look that is at once both triumphant and annoyed. Jesse raises his hand.
Guy: No, Jesse, there will be no shipping with Jane in this fic.
Jesse looks disappointed, while Tom and Jane smirk.
Guy: But after due consideration of your other request, yes, you, Max, and Nick may play with the deck gun between takes.
Daria [Eyes widening in concern]: Are you crazy?
Guy: Calm down, even if the firing mechanism wasn't frozen with rust, we have no ammunition. It'll be perfectly safe.
Daria: (VO) Not a week later, he will be forced to eat these words, as we lose three days work and he has to fill out Max's workmen's comp forms. Our Heroine will practice her silent "I told you so" look on him for the following week.
Guy: Okay, we have time for one more question.
(Charles Ruttheimer slimes his hand upwards.)
Guy: Charles, old sport, there's no need for informality here, you can just call me Mr. Payne, sir.
Upchuck: Yeees, well I have a question as to my appearance in this script.
Guy: Because perhaps you don't appear in this script?
Upchuck: Yes, and I have a major problem with that. My public, after all...
Guy: Yes, I've had the displeasure of meeting your parents. Tell you what, I'll just pencil you in here, what say?
Guy: You will now be playing the part of a depth charge... okay, people, that’s it for now. We start shooting in the morning, so I want to see everyone here, bright-eyed and bushy... [his eyes land on the Spiral]... *sigh*, or at least here, by six o'clock for make-up. And Trent? Trent?
Tom reaches over and shakes him awake.
Trent: Honest, officer, it's only tobacco! Wha...?
Guy: Read the script, okay?
Trent: Sure, man, no problem...
(Back to the bare stage with Daria and Jane.)
Daria: So what does the future hold for fan fiction.
Jane: Maybe a continuation of the suicide trend?
Daria: (eyes narrow) Maybe the start of a HOMICIDE trend.
Jane: But we HAD that one … remember "Quinn Started It"? And "The Last Stupor" – hey, I almost killed YOU in that one.
Daria: But maybe I’ll get to return the compliment.
Daria: Well, one thing’s for sure. Interest in fan fiction shows no signs of waning so I guess there will be a lot more fanfic being written.
Jane: Unless they all simultaneously lose interest.
Daria: We’re not that lucky. (beat) Thank you, and good night.
Jane: Or morning.
Daria: These are Net geeks, Jane. You think they’re up and reading before noon?
Jane: Good point. Good night!
(Instead of character alter egos, we show pictures of the fanfic authors who contributed. Extended mix of Splendora’s "You’re Standing On My Neck" plays.
We see a young woman long brown hair, blue eyes, glasses and a baggy purple knit sweater typing VERY fast. Writing below reads: "Compiled by Canadibrit"
Daria and Jane sitting in their director’s chairs, looking distinctly unimpressed. Writing below reads "Presented by Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane … and, when we couldn’t avoid it, Canadibrit."
Black screen. White writing reads "Contributors…"
We see a mid-height man with short curly brown hair wearing a flannel shirt, cargo pants and sneakers. He looks at the remains of a flaming lie detector and then glares at Kevin, who grins. Writing below reads "Danny Bronstein"
We see Canadibrit (now wearing a Coal Chamber hockey shirt and jogging bottoms) banging her head against a set wall as Daria, Jane, Lynn and Brittany get into a fistfight. Writing below reads "Canadibrit".
We see a mid-height young man with shaggy brown hair wiping ‘mater debris off his face with his sleeve, only to get hit with another one. Writing below reads "Rey Fox".
We see a young man with shaggy mid-length blond hair, glasses wearing a red "Ecology" sweatshirt fiddling with the lock on a coffin. Daria and Trent look annoyed and we can faintly see the coffin rocking on its trestles. Writing below reads "Jon Kilner".
We see a dark-haired young woman in black jeans and a wine-coloured cable-knit sweater tied to a chair, a gag in her mouth and that princess hat still on her head. She is struggling, but in vain. Writing below reads "Diane Long".
We see a small young man with mousy brown hair and a thin face being dragged away from Canadibrit’s main stage by two big security guys dressed in black. Writing below reads "Matt".
We see a tall, skinny guy with short-ish, shaggy sandy-blond hair being chased around by Canadibrit, who is dressed as Daria and waving a purple light sabre. Writing below reads "Crazy Nutso".
We see a tall, pale, well-built gentleman with longish red hair and large glasses being chased by Jane, who is wielding a paintball gun. Writing below reads "Paperpusher".
We see a stocky gentleman with long mid-brown hair yelling at Jesse and Nick, who are looking sheepish and soaking wet. Max is being carried off in the background on a stretcher. Writing below reads "Guy Payne".
We see a lanky post-teen with black hair and a moustache being held down by a mud-stained Quinn. Daria is smearing him with mud and smirking. Writing underneath reads "Daniel Suni".
We see a serious-looking man with brown hair, a moustache and goatee, and thick glasses watching Upchuck pursuing Daria with lust in his eyes. Daria gives the bespectacled man a look of scorn. Writing below reads "John Takis".
We see a short young woman with shoulder-length brown hair and an oval face, shelling out money to a man bearing an empty cage and a roasted bird. Writing below reads "Kara Wild".
We see a slightly overweight, vaguely ‘Native-looking’ man with long black hair chasing Vikings, who are standing in the middle of what looks like a heavy scene, singing. Writing beneath reads "Ben Yee".
The familiar Daria logo shows up, with the words "Until Next Time" printed under it.)