BARELY POPULAR

By M Man

(This episode takes place late in season 5)

OPENING THEME

La la la la la
This is my stop
Got to get off
I may go pop
Excuse me! Excuse me!
I've got to be direct
You're standing on my neck
You're standing on my neck

Daria in "Barely Popular"

SEGMENT 1 OF "BARELY POPULAR"

(SCENE - Daria sitting on the sofa at the Morgendorffer residence, watching TV by herself.)

TV (Sick Sad World theme and announcer): He conquered continents! ... while tripping over his own feet! Attila the Klutz? Next on Sick Sad World!

(Daria sighs, gets up and turns off the TV, then walks upstairs. She stops to look into Quinn's room. Quinn is wearing a very brief bikini, looking at herself in the mirror.)

Daria: Wow! I didn't think you'd wear something like that!

Quinn: Like *what*?

Daria: It's so ... uh, skimpy.

Quinn: I'm *not* a prude, Daria!

Daria: You must be going to the pool party at Robert's tomorrow.

Quinn: How would you know about that?

Daria: I was invited.

Quinn: No way!

Daria: Or, at least, "Darcy" was invited. Robert still hasn't figured out my name.

Quinn: So, are you and Tom going?

Daria: Tom's away for the weekend. (pause) Hmmm, you almost sounded like you wouldn't care if I *did* show up.

Quinn: I'm not going to freak out if you do. Those days are over, Daria.

Daria: Well, I was sorta planning to hang out with Jane this weekend...

Quinn: Whatever. Come if you like. It won't bother me.

Daria: I guess I won't come then. You've taken all the fun out of it.

Quinn (sarcastically): Ha!

(SCENE - Daria in her room, stretched out on her bed, talking to Jane. We see Jane on a split screen.)

Jane: Hey, don't pass up a chance to hang out with the popular gang on my account...

Daria (heavy sarcasm): Oh, yeah, a pool party. Hosted by a guy who calls me "ma'am". That's *my* kind of thing ...

Jane: OK, so the art film Saturday matinee it is?

Daria: I don't think I've ever seen an Uzbek art film before.

Jane: I'm not sure there's *been* one before. Or maybe there've been hundreds, who knows? You don't mind if we ride instead of walk? I kinda twisted my ankle running yesterday. Nothing big, but I'd rather not walk downtown. Trent's at a gig with the tank, he'll let me use his car.

Daria: You may end up pushing his car with that sore ankle ...

Jane: Hey, I'm a risk-taker ...

(SCENE - A brief establishing shot of Robert's house, a typical upscale Lawndale house.

Then, a shot of the pool party. The pool is a large in-ground pool. The yard is surrounded by a high redwood fence.

There are about 30 teenagers at the party, including Brittany, Kevin, the Fashion Club, all the LHS cheerleaders, Robert, Shawn, Ted, the 3 J's, Corey, and others.)

(SCENE - The Fashion Club, sitting sprawled on a large towel, drinking diet sodas. Quinn's bikini is noticeably briefer than the other girls'. Robert approaches the group.)

Robert: Is everything OK? (to Stacy) How about you, ma'am?

Stacy: Yeah! This is *such* a cool party!

Tiffany: Yahhhh, cooool.

Sandi: And your parents are away, Robert. That makes it so much better.

Quinn: Definitely. You can't relax and be yourself when there's parents around.

(Joey approches the Fashion Club, carrying a frisbee.)

Joey: Hey, Quinn! Play frisbee with us?

(Sandi frowns.)

Quinn: Uh, sure!

(Quinn gets up and tosses the frisbee with the 3 J's.)

Jeffy: Hey, Quinn! You're good at this! I haven't had to move once to catch one of yours.

Quinn: Thaa-aanks!

Jamie: And you haven't missed a catch yet!

Quinn: You guys are *so* nice.

(They continue playing.)

(SCENE - Jane and Daria pull into the parking lot of the movie theater. Jane is driving Trent's car.)

Jane: I hope this thing is subtitled.

Daria: Yeah, I've forgotten most of the Uzbek I learned last year.

Jane: Uh, yeah, me too.

(They get out of the car and head into the theater.)

Daria: What's the title of this thing again?

Jane: I'm not sure it's pronounceable. It didn't have many vowels in it.

Daria: Good thing I brought some extra ones along in case we need them.

(SCENE - At the pool party. Brittany is on the diving board. Kevin and Robert are in the pool, throwing a football around.)

Brittany: Hey, Kevvy! Watch this!

Kevin: What, babe?

Brittany: My beautiful swan dive.

(Brittany dives into the pool. The top of her swimsuit comes off as she hits the water.)

Brittany (coming back to the surface): Oh, no!!!

(Kevin grabs the swimsuit top and waves it in the air.)

Kevin: Topless babe! Topless babe! Look at the topless babe!

Brittany (red-faced and furious): You give that back! Or I'll ...

Kevin: Topless babe! Topless babe!

Brittany: Oooohh!!!

(Kevin has turned his back to Brittany, still waving her bikini top to the crowd. Few have noticed - yet. She swims underwater to him and yanks off his trunks. Kevin looks shocked. Brittany swims away with his trunks.)

Brittany: Naked boy! Naked boy!

(SCENE - Quinn rejoining the Fashion Club after playing frisbee.)

Stacy: Look at Kevin and Brittany!

Quinn: What's going on ... (she sees) Oh, my God, I can't look! (she covers her eyes.)

Tiffany: This is sooo wronggg.

Sandi: They seem to have lost their minds or whatever ...

(SCENE - Corey, standing on the lawn, notices Kevin and Brittany.)

Corey: Hey, what's this? Skinny-dipping? Cool!

(Corey pulls off his trunks and dives into the pool.)

(SCENE - Angie and the other cheerleaders standing together.)

Nikki: Skinny-dipping? Did I hear right?

Lisa: Well, Brittany's doing it, and some of the guys.

Angie: We can't let Brittany do this alone! We know what we gotta do, girls!

(They remove their swimsuits and jump into the pool.)

(SCENE - Almost everyone but the Fashion Club is by now removing their swimsuits. Many are in the pool, already naked. The Fashion Club is still on their blankets. They all look shocked.)

Sandi: Uh, I hate to have to say this, but the dictates of popularity must override the dictates of fashion and modesty in this instance. We must remove our swimsuits.

Tiffany: You mean, like, get nakedddd?

Stacy: Maybe we can just sneak out of here.

Sandi: Stacy, sometimes it requires courage to stand your ground and do the popular thing!

Stacy (a deep breath): OK, Sandi.

Sandi: On the count of three, we will strip. One, two, ...

Quinn: I gotta go to the bathroom!!

(She runs into the house as the other girls begin to remove their swimsuits.)

END OF SEGMENT 1 OF "BARELY POPULAR"

CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK WITH SCENE OF BRITTANY DIVING INTO THE POOL

(Commercial.)

Budweiser presents: Real American Heroes!

(background vocal: "Real American Heroes!")

Today we salute you, Mr Sick Sad World program director!

(BG vocal: "Sick Sad World program director!")

Without you, we wouldn't know space aliens are among us!

(BG vocal: "Artie's cool!")

And we wouldn't know an inappropriate alto from a sort-of-appropriate soprano.

(BG vocal: "Sick and sad!")

So here's to you, Mr. Sick Sad World program director, for showing us the most important things in life aren't free, they charge for them on your cable TV bill!

(BG vocal: "This Bud's for You!")

(End of Commercial)

SEGMENT 2 OF "BARELY POPULAR"

(SCENE - At Robert's swimming pool. The now-naked teens are carrying on with their pool party.)

(SCENE - Ted DeWitt-Clinton is standing in the pool, talking to some cheerleaders.)

Ted: This reminds me of when I was eight years old and my parents and I went to live in a nudist colony.

Nikki: Oh, really? Why did you leave?

Ted: The nudist colony shut down after just a week.

Angie: Why was that?

Ted: It turns out nudism isn't really practical in Alaska ...

(SCENE - The Fashion Club, now naked and minus Quinn, is watching the goings-on.)

Sandi: Well, this isn't so bad. At least everyone's going on with the party and not simply gawking at each other.

Tiffany: Yahhh.

Stacy: Uh, I'll check on Quinn. She's taking quite a long time in the bathroom ...

(Stacy steps into the house. The bathroom is just inside the sliding-glass door.)

(SCENE - Stacy knocks on the bathroom door.)

Stacy: Quinn, are you OK in there?

Quinn: I'm fine.

Stacy: So, are you about done?

Quinn: No, I'll be another couple hours or so.

Stacy: Uh, Quinn, are you afraid to come out and skinny-dip?

Quinn: No.

Stacy: Then why ...

Quinn: I'm petrified! Isn't everyone ... uh, bare?

Stacy: Quinn, it's not so bad. Nobody's really acting different. It was just in the first couple minutes, when everyone was kinda checking everyone else out.

Quinn: Oh no! If I come out *now*, they'll *all* be checking *me* out!

Stacy: Quinn, I don't think most people noticed you were gone.

Quinn: Stacy, why is this so not-a-big-thing to you?

Stacy: Well, I was nervous, too, at first, but I've, uh, sort of done this before.

Quinn: You have?

Stacy: Well, not exactly. Actually, once I did the same thing Brittany did, only I lost *both* parts of my swimsuit.

Quinn: And it was no big deal?

Stacy: Actually, I was so humiliated I tried to hide under the water. I nearly drowned and they had to pump out my lungs ...

Quinn: STACY!! THAT DOESN'T HELP!!

Stacy: Sorry!

(SCENE - In front of Robert's house. Jodie and Mack pull up in a car. There are other cars parked in the driveway and on the grass, but they find a place at the curb. They get out. They're in swimsuits.)

Jodie: I hope we're not too late.

Mack: Nah, it sounds like they're having a lot of fun in there.

(They walk up a stone walkway to a redwood gate. They can see over the gate and stare open-mouthed as they see their classmates skinny-dipping.)

Jodie (after a long pause): I don't think so!!

Mack: I'm with you!

(They start walking back to the car.)

Mack: Wait a minute. Are we just being fuddy-duddies?

Jodie: I may run for office some day. If anyone there has a camera ...

Mack: Yeah, you're right.

(SCENE - Stacy returns to Sandi. We see Tiffany now playing frisbee with the J's in the background.)

Sandi: Is Quinn coming out?

Stacy: I think she's being a little ... uh, modest.

Sandi: It's not like that bikini of hers was covering so much anyway.

(Tiffany leaves the frisbee game and comes over.)

Tiffany: Wherrrre's Quinnn?

Stacy: Uh, Tiffany, Quinn's still in the bathroom. She's, uh, being a little shy about skinny-dipping. Maybe you could talk to her.

(SCENE - Tiffany at the bathroom door.)

Tiffany: It's okayyy to come outtt, Quinnn.

Quinn: No, it isn't, Tiffany. Everyone's naked.

Tiffany: Wellll, yeahhh. That's becausssse we're skinnyyy-dippinggg.

Quinn: I don't like being ... you know, nude in front of everybody.

Tiffany: Quinnn, you take showerrrs nakeddd in gymmm classs...

Quinn: Tiffany, this time there are *guys* out there!

Tiffany: Guyyys?? Hmmmm? Oh, yeahhhh!

(SCENE - Daria and Jane in the movie theater, watching the movie. We hear strange music and briefly, some dialogue in Uzbek.)

Daria (whispering): Well, it *does* have subtitles.

Jane (whispering): Yeah - in French.

Daria (whispering): I told you not to take a third year of Spanish.

Jane (whispering): If they taught Uzbek at Lawndale High, I wouldn't ...

(Someone behind them goes "shhhh!!!" and they stop talking.)

(SCENE - Tiffany rejoins Stacy and Sandi.)

Tiffany: I don't thinnnk she's cominggg outtt.

Sandi: I'll go talk to her.

(SCENE - Sandi is at the bathroom door, talking to Quinn.)

Sandi: Quinn, stop being ridiculous. We're not little kids or whatever anymore. This isn't bothering anyone else.

Quinn: Sandi! I really, really, have to go to the bathroom!

Sandi: I don't believe you, Quinn. You realize that this could make you *un*popular and therefore *un*suitable for the Fashion Club.

Quinn: OK, OK! Just go back outside. I'll be there in a minute.

Sandi: Without your swimsuit!

Quinn: Yeah, yeah.

(SCENE - Sandi rejoins Stacy outside.)

Sandi: Quinn says she'll be right out.

Stacy: Oh, here she comes!

(Quinn comes out. She has removed her swimsuit, but is covering her breasts with one arm and her crotch with the other hand.)

Quinn (nervously): Hi, guys!

Sandi: Uh, Quinn, you're only making yourself more conspicious covering up that way.

Stacy: Yeah, Quinn, everyone else has just kinda relaxed about it.

Quinn: I don't know if I can do this ...

(Jeffy tosses a frisbee at Quinn.)

Jeffy: Here, Quinn, catch!

(Quinn reaches to catch the frisbee at forehead level, looking shocked that she is now uncovered.)

Sandi: There, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Quinn (eyes closed, grimacing): Why am I not dying?

END OF SEGMENT 2 OF "BARELY POPULAR"

CUT TO COMMERICAL BREAK WITH SHOT OF JODIE AND MACK LOOKING OVER THE GATE

(Commercial)

Hello, this is Happy Herb! And we have all new models in!

(Trent)
Yes, Happy Herb's got a new car for you
So come to Happy Herb's for a bargain or two
We take trade-ins even if your car's sicko
So come to Happy Herbs - don't be a dicko!

(Herb)

Happy Herb's in downtown Lawndale!

(End of commercial)

SEGMENT 3 OF "BARELY POPULAR"

(SCENE - Overhead shot of the pool party, then we see the Fashion Club all together in the pool.)

Quinn (still a trace of nervousness): I guess this isn't so bad. At least I'm not getting tan lines!

Stacy: Good point, Quinn!

Tiffany: Yahhh, good pointtt.

Sandi: Hmpph. I don't see why *you* were so reluctant to do this, Quinn. That bikini of yours didn't cover much anyway. I'll have to see if that was a fashion violation.

Quinn: And *this* isn't? For all of us? C'mon, Sandi!

Sandi (reluctantly): I guess "Waif" magazine can't cover all fashion scenarios or whatever.

Stacy: Sometimes we just have to use common sense, right?

Tiffany: Rightttt.

(SCENE - Daria and Jane leaving the movie theater, walking to the parking lot.)

Daria: The French subtitles weren't so bad, were they? Anyway, there wasn't much dialogue. You could follow the film just by watching the symbolism.

Jane: Yeah, like the part where the bearded guy found a huge dung heap on his wrestling mat? What did that symbolize?

Daria: That it's a better day for basketball than for wrestling?

(SCENE - Back at the pool party. The Fashion Club is stretched out on towels, tanning.)

Sandi: You see now why our dietary restrictions and exercise guidelines are so important. In situations like these, one cannot hide flaws under strategic clothing.

Quinn: So ... we can be fashionable even without clothing?

Tiffany: Yahhh, you'rrre so smarrt to have plannned for thisss, Sandii!

(Awkward silence for a moment.)

Stacy: Uh, right, Tiffany.

(SCENE - Daria and Jane in Trent's car, driving down a residential street.)

Daria: Could we swing down Cherry Street? I want to stop by Robert's pool party for a few minutes. Although I'm not exactly dressed for the occasion.

Jane: Just to mortify little Quinnie? You're a nasty piece of work after my own heart, Morgendorffer.

Daria: Actually, she said she wouldn't mind if I did stop by. She, uh, sounded pretty convincing. I mean, she actually admits to being my sister now, so maybe ...

Jane: This is the house, isn't it?

Daria: All the cars parked in front kinda give it away, don't they?

(They get out of the car and walk up the same walkway earlier used by Jodie and Mack.)

(SCENE - The Fashion Club now all playing frisbee with the J's.)

Quinn: It's too bad we can't have skinny-dipping parties all the time. But I suppose it's not going to happen when we have parents around.

Jamie: I could ask my parents! We have a pool!

Stacy: Uh, Jamie, I don't think that would be wise.

Sandi: I don't think we should tell *any* of our parents about this.

Joey (to Jamie): Yeah, you dummy!

Jamie: Who are you calling a dummy?

Quinn: Uh, guys! Let's just play frisbee, OK?

Jeffy: Yeah, can't we all just get along?

Tiffany: Heyyy! That's kinda catchyyy!

(SCENE - Daria and Jane now standing at the same gate as Jodie and Mack earlier. Their jaws are dropping as they see the naked teenagers.)

Jane: Don't tell me you're actually speechless?

Daria: (long pause) Um, no, of course not. (another long pause) I can't believe they all had the nerve.

Jane: Didn't you tell me Little Sister had a prudish streak?

Daria: I guess "had" is the operative word.

(SCENE - Inside an SUV, turning onto Cherry Street. Inside are Robert's parents. Behind them are several pieces of old furniture.)

Robert, Sr.: I'll bet the kids are just fine, Martha. They're old enough to be responsible now.

Martha: I don't know, Bob. They're not fully grown adults yet. We should have stayed. I just have a bad feeling about this.

Robert, Sr.: It didn't bother you at the antique auction.

Martha: Yes, it did. I think I overbid on one of those tables.

(SCENE - Daria and Jane still watching the pool party. No-one has noticed them yet.)

Jane: Well, there they are. Our most popular classmates in the buff! I know you have more to say. Out with it, Morgendorffer!

Daria: Well, remember how you told me you didn't worry about being, uh, small because you knew so many other girls wore falsies? Well, ...

Jane (offended): Hey! I haven't noticed anyone confusing *you* with Dolly Parton!

Daria: That's because my voice is at least an octave lower.

(Behind Daria we see the SUV pull up to the curb across the street from the house - there are no closer places left to park. Daria turns around and sees them.)

Daria: Oh, my God, Jane, those are Robert's parents!

Jane (smirking): This should be priceless!

Daria: Jane, go distract them!

Jane: What??

Daria: Go over there and keep them away for a few minutes! Hurry!

Jane: But ...

(Daria quickly opens the gate and enters the back yard. Jane pauses, then goes out toward the curb.)

(SCENE - Jane at the SUV. Robert's parents have started to unload the antiques.)

Jane: Hey, there! I'm Jane!

Martha: Hi, you must be one of Robert's friends. You don't look like you're dressed for swimming, though.

Jane: Uh, no, I sunburn easily, so, uh, I can't undress, uh, *dress* like the other kids.

(SCENE - Daria approaches the Fashion Club, now laying on towels again. They all reflexively cover themselves up as Daria approaches.)

Quinn: What are *you* doing here???

Daria: Never mind. Robert's parents have just pulled up out front. You'd all better get dressed in a hurry.

Stacy: Oh, no!

Sandi: Split up and spread the word fast!

Tiffany: Yahhh!! Fasssttt!!

(Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy all take off in opposite directions. Sandi remains for a second.)

Sandi: Uh ... thanks, Daria! Really!

(Sandi takes off, too. Daria stares after Sandi in amazement.)

(SCENE - Jane, Robert Sr. and Martha still at the SUV.)

Martha: Are they having fun? Getting some exposure to the sun?

Jane: Uh, yeah, "exposure" is the word. Lots of sun. Good tans. *Reeeally* good tans. Can I help you with those?

Robert, Sr.: Well, that's a kind offer, ma'am. If you carry this chair, I think we can get it all up to the front porch in one trip.

(They all pick up antiques and start carrying.)

Jane (whispers to herself): "Ma'am"?

(Daria comes out from the side walkway as they approach the front porch.)

Jane: And, uh, this is Daria. She's also, uh, sensitive to the sun.

Martha: Good to meet you, Daria. Well, Bob, I guess you were right. Fine, mature teenagers like this don't need adult supervision for an afternoon at the pool.

Robert Sr.: Let's go out back and see the rest of them.

Jane: Uh ....

Daria (firmly): That's a good idea. We'll, uh, see you later.

(Daria and Jane start walking toward Trent's car.)

Robert Sr.: And you, too, ma'am.

Daria (whispers to herself): "Ma'am"?

(SCENE - Robert Sr. and Martha walk through the gate. They encounter Robert. All the kids are in swimsuits.)

Robert Sr.: Everything OK?

Robert (guiltily): Uh, yeah, no problems. Great party.

Martha: OK, just checking. We won't make pests of ourselves. Let's go inside, Bob.

(They go into the back door. Martha stops and looks back at the kids.)

Martha: Hmmm? Is that a new fad? Bikini tops and bottoms that don't match?

Robert Sr.: We had some crazy fads in our day, Martha. Remember bell- bottoms?

Martha (forgetting the bikinis): I remember when you had those longgg sideburns!

(SCENE - Daria's bedroom. Daria is reading on the bed. Quinn enters, dressed in jeans and T-shirt.)

Quinn: Uh, thanks, Daria.

Daria: For what?

Quinn: Warning us about Robert's parents. I would have expected you to let them find us skinny-dipping and enjoy the spectacle.

Daria (unconvincingly): Uh, I never would have done that.

Quinn: Yeah, right. Maybe you're getting nicer, even to popular people.

Daria (defensively): No way!

Quinn: Way!

Daria: Uh, can I plead temporary insanity?

Quinn: Nope! Too bad you're graduating this year. I think that next year you could have been really popular yourself. Of course, first I'd have to do a *complete* makeover on you ...

(Daria, scowling, throws her pillow at Quinn, who grins as she ducks.)

END OF SEGMENT 3 - END OF FANFIC

Closing Theme - "The Stripper", by the David Rose Orchestra

*****

NOTES

Thanks to beta-readers Firah and Belle Book.

*****

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